Semptember Rhymes

September 1st: Feather

A feather floated doonwards

Fae wey up high above

It cuid be aff a shitehawk

It wis too big furra dove

Ah watched it swirlin in the breeze

Gaun roon an roon again

It might huv stayed up longer

If it wisnae fur the rain

So en ah asked the question

Why ur ye staunin ther?

Ootside in the pishin rain

Watchin feathers in the err

Ah dunno, Mr The Dug wis back in the hoose five minutes ago!

September 5th: News

Ah dinnae read the tabloids

Ur news fae the BBC

Ah dinnae really huv tae

They read that crap fur me

But en they like tae tell me

Aboot whits gaun doon

Ah tell thaim ah huv nae interest

Ah git ma news doon the toon

So ah tell thaim boot the auld guy

Whae took his washin aff the line

An when he goat it inside

Thought fuck, this isnae mine!

En a tell thaim boot Rabs hoover

It's aw clogged up wae fluff

Ye dinnae need yer mainstream media

Tae git the real important stuff

September 6th: Bubble

A bubble floated through the err

An en it landit oan ma herr

But when ah went tae take it aff

The bubble popped an wisnae ther

Whits the point in bubbles? They must huv a purpose.

Well they dae, an ah shuid know this, but ah canny rememmer.

Aw ah mind is thit they huv sumhin tae dae wae gaseous substances in liquid an the Marangoni effect which hus sumhin tae dae wae wine.

Well, ah dinnae drink wine ur suffer fae surface tension, so whits the point in storin aw that crap in yer heid?

September 8th: Desperate

Thers a cord aroon ma joggers

An ah pulled it really tight

But ah must huv tied a double knot

Cause thers sumhin here no right

Noo ah huv an urge tae urinate

But canny git ma troosers aff

So ah ask thaim fur the scissors

An they jist staun ther an laugh

Well, the moral ae this story is

Dinnae tie yer kecks up tight

Cause ye jist might need the toilet

This is when yull git a fright

Wher huv ye planked aw the scissors noo? Ah'm in a hurry here.

September 11th: The Arrival

Wan wid like tinnies

Two dinnae drink

It's harder tae cater

Fur three thin ye hink

Two jist eat veggies

Wan still eats meats

They aw like the biscuits

Jist no the cat treats

Wan wid like Chinese

Wan wants a kebab

Wan wants a pizza

An ah pick up the tab

Wan wants a coffee

Wan jist drinks tea

Wan wants a smoothie

How dae ye make that? Asks me

September 12th: Birthdays

Happy Birthday tae ma Smasher

Happy Birthday tae ma wean

Happy Birthday tae oor Mrs Cat

Anorrer Happy Day again

Ah goat youse baith bananas

A tin ae tuna fur the cat

Ah dinnae hink ye'll ever git

Mair ae a surprise thin that

September 14th: Pills

The furst pill went doon quite easy

But they didnae aw go doon like that

The wee beasties noo no happy

Ever tried tae drug a cat?

Wiv mixed thaim in wae cat food

En try an no tae swer

The wideo wullny eat that stuff

She knows thers pills in ther

Wiv crushed thaim up in a syringe

An skooshed thaim doon her throat

She jist sits doon an boaks thaim up

This is her antidote

Listen up you Mrs The Cat, the vet sais yull git jags if ye dinnae take these pills, an ye really really dinnae like jags!

September 16th: Sumhin Spicy

It's luikin like chilli

Ur curry wae rice

Sumhin thits hoat an spicy

Theday wid be nice

Dae ah jist flip a coin

Ur suck it an see

It's hard when yiv goat 

Tae decide whits fur tea

Thers nae clues oan the noteboard

Thits hingin up ther

An if ah jist make chilli

They'll want curry, ah swer!

Mince an tatties it is en.

September 21st: Dreich

Ah goat up this mornin

An en said guid night

Went intae the kitchen

An turnt oan the light

The clock sais it's hauf six

But is the clock right?

Is it hauf six this mornin

Ur hauf six last night?

So ah pit oan the kettle

Furra nice cuppa tea

Ye cin huv tea whenever

It disnae metter tae me

Dae ye hink wull git daylight?

Cause it's luikin fer dreich

An ah noo huv tae take

Mr Dug furra keich

September 22nd: Spiderwebs

Thers spiderwebs here

Thers spiderwebs ther

Spiderwebs in the cupboard

Spiderwebs oan the ster

Spiderwebs in the toilet

Spiderwebs in the hall

Thers even spiderwebs hingin

Fae Mr Dugs ball

The spiders thit live here

Ur jist toaty wee

It's rarey ye clock wan

As ther real hard tae see

But wee spiders ur busy

They spin webs aw night

Thiv spun us new curtains

Tae block oot the light

Ye cin dust thaim an sweep thaim

Ur vacuum thaim away

But when ye git up

There aw back the next day!

September 24th: Nae Internet Again!

Nae internet! Nae internet!

Nae internet again!

Every mornin when ah wake up

It's ay the feckin same

Nae internet! Nae internet

Nae internet again!

Ye huv tae noo unplug it aw

En press the router tae reset

An wull it go back oan again?

The bookies take the bet

Ye watch the rid lights flicker

Ther tryin it wid seem

But naebdy wants the rid lights

Ye want thaim aw bright green

We aw know whits gaun oan here

They fuck aboot at night

So when ye git up in the mornin

Ye huv the dull rid light!