April
April 2nd: Delivery
Ther a boy fae the store at the door wae hunners ae messages.
That's no fur me!
So he points tae the name an address oan the front door an reads it oot loud tae me.
Ah know whit it sais oan the door, ah live here, and that is no fur me.
"But the computer says it's fur you" Replies he
Dis it? Well ma personal in built neural processor cin quite assure ye thit it never ordered a shoppin.
Onywey, yer luikin fur sumbdy wae weans, ah dinnae eat Pampers!
Blank ster!
It's no fur me!
See, this wis a new guy, ah dinnae know him.
But ah felt sorry fur no jist himsel staunin ther laden wae aw these unwanteds, ah felt sorry fur his logic annaw.
The name an nummer oan ma door matched his computer print oot, therfur ah must be wrang so wis huvin this order wherrer ah wanted it ur no!
Noo, if ah hud needit a big boax ae Pampers?
April 3rd: Pie
"That pie looks quite magnificent" Say They tae I "What kind is it?"
It's a surprise veal an ham pie, the surprise is it's made fae mince.
"So it's a mince pie then?" Ask they
Naw, no quite, it's goat biled eggs an jeely in it annaw, jist like a veal an ham pie wae oot the veal an ham.
"So it's a mince pie with boiled eggs in it?" Say they
Ah made wan last week wae oot the eggs an ye liked it.
"That was a pork pie" Reply they
Huh! This is wher yer wrang, that wis a mince pie annaw!
April 5th: Easter
Ther the wean jist gied me a Terry's chocolate orange Easter egg wae wee mini eggs in it.
Thank you very much.
Yer Ma wull fer enjoy that.
Whit, she's goat wan ae her ain?
Ah widnae imagine she's goat it noo!
April 6th: Knittin
Ah asked the wean tae show me how tae knit the socks they wir knittin, cause ther really guid at knittin.
Well efter a long ster en a lecture oan 'How ye shuid mibbes stert wae sumhin simpler Dad'..They did, but en they gied up.
Ah'm made ae mair determined stuff though, so ah've persevered aw weekend, an know whit?
Ay, ah've jist knitted nearly two inches ae knotted woolly nettin wae a hole in it, ah'm fer chuffed.
How dae ye git it aff this needle hing?
Mines jist reverts tae wool!
April 8th: Nuhin
Know whit ah'm daein theday?
Nuhin, that's whit ah'm daein theday.
Well apert fae the usual nuhins thit dinnae coont as daein onyhin, like gaun tae the shoaps, makin the tea an takin the dug oot, ah'm daein nuhin.
Is it possible tae dae nuhin?
Cause durin the last ten minutes ae masel daein nuhin ah huv made a pot ae tea, washed the dishes an typed this shite oot.
Ah'll rephrase that en: Theday ah'm daein nuhin ae ony significance apert fae that wan wee sumhin a mibbes dae later.
April 9th: Ahaar
Ther be fog Cap'in!
Aharr it be a haar me hearties, aarrr, a haar.
Fair wind and good fortune should see her sail over top of us fore nine bells shipmates, aarr, the haar.
An naw, it's no International Talk Like a Pirate day, it be aharr, arr, a haar!
April 10th: Ginger
So a sais tae ma mucker doon the store "Ginger..Root..No a boattle of.. Huv ye goat ony?"
An he points tae these toaty wee bags wae dried up mouldy lumps in thaim.
Is that yer selection, they luik like museum exhibits, huv ye nuhin thit wisnae exhumed by Howard Carter?
Onywey, why is it sae dear?
"Because it comes fae far far away" Replies he
Ye mean like Surrey, is that no wher youse git yer foostie carrots fae annaw?
Thers jist far too much hilarity doon that store!
April 13th: Bright
Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!
Glowing orb emitting rays on the horizon!
WTF?
Is it safe tae go ootside in that?
Ther awfy bright rays annaw, it mibbes be safer luikin oot some serious shades, ye cuid end up wae sunburnt eyes if ye went oot in that wae nae eye protection.
Noo ah've goat shades, sumwher, but wher?
Thers no a great need fur sunglesses oot this wey, so hings like shades ur kept in the 'Items no really needed fur onyhin cupboard'
Ay, that cupboard only seasoned explorers ever venture intae. Bugger!
Oh! Whit a stroke ae luck, furst strike tae, here an auld shoe boax full ae shades.
Ah dinnae hink these ur ma shades though, maist ae these luik like the come fae the Edna Everage Range, probably why ther in here.
Haud oan, whits this per?
Well, ther no exactly Foster Grants so ah'll no luik jist a little bit like Errol Flynn in these, but thull dae fur the noo.
April 14th: Top Tip
Here ma top tip fur theday:
See the wee watter level indicator hing oan the kettle wae lines oan it?
Well, see the rid line thit says 'Max' know whit that means?
It means thit yer kettles full an it disnae need ony mair watter in it.
So if ye jist follie this simple guide line, en yer kettle wullny bile oor an soak everyhin ur even blow up.
Ay, ah know this is a lot tae take in, but jist gaunny trust me oan this, in the long run it wull save ye a feckin fortune oan kettles.
April 15th: Samosas
Thers nae sun in the sky
An it's no pizza pie
It's samosas
It's a grim wet grey day
An aw ah cin say
It's samosas
Well why not, whit else wid ye be daein?
Well, accordin tae ther sticky note board list, quite a lot.
But I wull not be bound by lists, thers mair tae life thin lists, thers samosas.
Hot an spicy, very very nicey..
Mamma mia ther ye go
Beelzebub hus extra chilli oan the side fur me, fur me, fur me.
Here ma top tip fur theday: Stick tae wan song when yer cookin, en ye'll mibbes git the wurds right tae at least wan ae thaim.
April 17th: Drizzle
The forecast fae ma kitchen windae this mornin is: Drizzle
Temperature: Drizzle
Wind Speed: Drizzle
Visibility: Drizzle
Humidity: Drizzle
UV: Drizzle
At least ye know wher ye staun wae drizzle as it is baith consistent an persistent.
April 18th: Paper
Well, curiosity goat the better ae me, so ah jist spent an hour readin this paper thit wis full ae big feck off wurds ah hud tae luik up, cause a didnae huv a dinkie whit the authors wir oan aboot.
Onywey, wan line wid huv described whit the script wis.
In layman's terms it wid seem thit aw these big wurds mean, thit these smert dudes huv jist built a camera thit cin take photies ae hings thit move really fast.
Cuid they no jist huv said that?
Compressed spectral–temporal coherent modulation femtosecond imaging
https://opg.optica.org/optica/fulltext.cfm?uri=optica-13-4-721
Here, ah'll save ye a lot a grief.
A femtosecond is a unit ae time equal tae wan quadrillionth ae a second.
April 20th: Sock
Oh! Here a wee loast lonesome singel sock in the bed, how did that git in ther?
It's a bluey grey cinna colourt sock tae, so logic wid suggest thit ther must be anorrer wan ae these sumwher, cause socks tend tae come in pers, this is why yer average hooman faws intae the category ae biped.
But no aw hoomans huv bluey grey colourt socks though, ah didnae hink thit ah hud ony socks that colour either, but ah must huv!
It wis mibbes a white sock at wan time?
You huv jist entered The Zone Ae Twilight!
Cue theme tune..Doo roo roo roo
April 24th: Culicoides impunctatus
Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!..Culicoides impunctatus!
Ah kid youse not, the nippy basarts wir oot this mornin.
An dinnae gie me aw this 'But they dinnae come oot tae May'
They wee feckers dinnae huv calendars.
April 27th: Pish
"Aw it's you" Sais ma pal at the sugery
Ay, it is me, in person, this letter sais ye want tae see me.
"Yes we do" Reply they "Blood and Urine, Wednesday"
Huv ye goat a pish boattle en?
"It's called a urine sample bottle" Say they
So ah sais tae ma orrer pal oan the desk 'Whits this caed?'
An wae a big smile they replied "For you, it's a pish boattle"
Ther ye go, straight fae the horses mooth, it's a pish boattle.
In an oot the dusty bluebells
In an oot the dusty bluebells
In an oot the dusty bluebells
Sumhin, sumhin, sumhin.
"What are you on about now?" Ask they
"Dusty Bluebells, ah woke up this mornin an it wis just in ther, an ah canny git it oot ma heid noo."
"There's plenty of room in there for them " Say they
"Ay, but ah'm missin a bit."
"You are missing more than a bit" Reply they
"Huh! An guid mornin tae you annaw.
But how ah'm ah gaunny git this nonsense oot ma heid?"
"Cut it aff" Say they
So it's like that is it?
Hings ur gittin desperate noo though, that wee tune oan an endless loop is stertin tae fry ma brain.
Ah know, ah'll listen tae sumhin catchy.
This mornins play list:
8:00 tae 9:00 o'clock - A wee bitty Rush
9:00 tae 10:00 o'clock - A wee bitty AC/DC
10:15 o'clock oan the dot-
In an oot the dusty bluebells
In an oot the dusty bluebells
In an oot the dusty bluebells
Sumhin, sumhin, sumhin.
Aaaaaaargh!
Well, that didnae wurk.
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