Rhymes For May

May 3rd: Clouds

The jaiket ah wore wisnae heavy

Jist perfect fur gaun oot theday

But the sky up above slowly darkened

As ma hoose goat further away

It's no gaunny rain said the forecast

It's no gaunny rain said ma heid

But the sky up aboves really darkened

Mibbes pit the dug back oan the lead

But the dug said thit he'd dae the leadin

Cause dugs huv a mind ae ther ain

So it luiks like ma wee lightweight jaiket

Is gaunny git soakin again

May 5th: Eureka

Ah sat doon wae ma third fillt up teapot

Wheras usually ah only huv two

It wis en thit ah luiked at the noteboard

Jingszo! Ah huv hunners tae do

Ah cuid dae the washin ramorra

But that is the easiest bit

The rests washin flairs ur moppin the sterrs

Ah dinnae like aw this cleanin up shit

So ah sterred at the clouds fur five meenits

As ah sipped oan ma eighth mug ae tea

But en ah turnt roon tae the noteboard

Ah'll clean the bog while ah'm in furra pee

That wis indeed a eureka moment ah hud ther! 

May 6th: Posters

They sterted wae wan poster

That wis fur the SNP

An noo oot ae the windae

Ye canny feckin see

Ther aw fur Independence

Ur whit oor intentions be

But thers mair thin wan, thers mair thin two

An they didnae stoap at three

It wull aw be oor ramorra

So they cin come back doon

An ther cuid weel be rejoicin

Unless ye ur a Yoon

Mind an vote.

Onwards..Heeeucht!

May 8th: Mess

They hud ther coffee 

An ah hud ma tea

We didnae huv toast 

Cause thers nae breid ye see

The store only hud pan breid

An that dough is gash

So ah'm gaunny make breid

Well ah'll gie it a bash

But this wullny be ready

Until much later oan

So they cin huv a biscuit

Cause the cereals aw gaun

Ah wonner whae ate aw the muesli? 

Note tae sel: Ye better make mair ae that annaw. An dinnae go makin a feckin mess fur yersel tae clean up either you.

Whae me?..As if ah wid tae!

Ah made breid, white an wholemeal

Even made the odd scone

An en ah made muesli

Cause that wis aw gaun

En sat doon an goat comfy

Feeling aw nice an smug

Wae a big scone an jam

An some tea in a mug

It wis en thit it hut me

Ah didnae fursee

Thit ah hudny made nuhin

Tae huv fur wir tea

It's jist as weel ah've no cleaned up ma mess yit.

So whit aboot a pie en bawheid?  The flooers awready oot.

Ay, awrite, but whit ur ye gaunny pit in it?

Mince.. Whit again?

Well, why not. 

May 12th: Fry Up

Ma scones theday ur tattie

Ther really rether nice

Ye cin huv thaim fried wae sausages

But ther no sae guid wae rice

Ah made a few quite thick wans

Masel, ah like mine thin

So ah'm gaunny huv a fry up

Cause it's no a mortal sin

An egg an two tomaties

Get flung intae the pan

Alang wae some nice sausages?

This is truly scrumptious scran

Ah never said thit ah wis huvin a full Scottish breakfast, that's whit ah'm huvin fur ma tea the night.

May 13th: Cool

Fae the hills tae the sea

A fresh breeze dis blow

Ah know it's the summer

But ah hink it cuid snaw

Ah really don't know

Wher that winds comin fae

But wherever it is

It must be cauld up that wey

The forecast sais seven

But feels mair like four

Ah wull be pittin ma coat oan

Afore ah step oor the door

The sun is oot tae

An it luiks really nice 

Mibbes it's broken

Ur bunged up wae ice?

Ah jist pit aw ma fleecy winter gear away tae. Bugger!

May 14th: Man Flu

Ma nose is runnin like a Gorbals wean

But ah'm no in ony cinna serious pain

Ah've goat whit wis known in days ae auld

As a snottery beak ana summer cauld

But that's enough aboot ma ails

Ah'm away tae fill up two big pails

The furst wan is tae mop the flair

The second is tae wash the ster

An wance ah've done the moppin up

Ah'll bile the kettle an huv a cup

The flairs noo dry an it's no gaun ten

Ah've missed a bit, ah'll dae it again

Bugger!

Ye git nae sympathy in this hoose.

May 15th: Trance

It wisnae early but it wisnae late

Ah fell asleep at hauf past eight

En ah woke an saw the time

By jings an crivvens it's hauf past nine

Well ah must huv dozed back aff again

Cause noo the clock said hauf past ten

Thers sumhin here thit isnae right

The clocks noo pointin tae midnight

Thedays ramorra, so noo ah'm loast

Is it too late fur tea an toast?

"Ay, it feckin is, an ye cin furget aboot the horizontal dance practise annaw" Said Zebedee...Boing!

Ah must huv fallen intae a wee trance ther...Nighty Night en

May 16th: Mair Mince

Thers raindrops oan the windae

So ah've taken oot mince

It rained here last Wednesday

But it husny rained since

Ah'll mibbes make burgers

Ur Spag Bolognese

Cause ye need sumhin warmin

Oan cauld miserable days

But here whit is this?

Whit is that aw aboot?

Ah jist sterted cookin

An the sun hus come oot!

Scratch that, naw it's no, it wis only kiddin oan, it's stoatin doon again.

This must be whit yer forecasters cry light showers

May 19th: Paint

Ye huv tae keep the kitchen clean

Ur you wid jist git seek

But ye dinnae huv tae paint the place

Every second ur third week

It's bin aw different colours

Maistly different shades ae cream

Cream White is no Magnolia

It's nice an bright an clean

Ah canny tell the difference

They aw luik the same tae me

This wan ah'm telt is peachy

Noo that ah dinnae see

Know the difference atween Peach White an Magnolia?

Twinty quid a tin, that's the difference!

Whers ma paint rollers?

May 20th: Pie

The pie ah made wis easy

The steak came oot a tin

Ah hope ah didnae mix thaim up

An pit the dug food in

Suppose it widnae metter

It wull jist taste the same

An yer pie wid be a Pedigree

Wae added minced up brain

So ah fired in some sausages

Jist tae bulk the hale hing oot

Steak pie wae biled sausages?

Whit ur you aw aboot?

Steak pie wae biled sausages

Is traditional roon here

Well no fur Xmas dinner

But we huv thaim at New Year

May 21st: Bear

Away doon the street 

At the back ae the shoap

Ther wis a bear wae scruff herr 

Thit wis long time furgoat

You come wae me bear

Ah'll take ye hame 

Wull make ye some claithes 

An wull gie ye a name

So ah stiched oan his eyes

An ah made him a nose

Ah gied him a wash

An stuck oan his new clothes

Well ah cuidny believe it

Not in ma life

Noo everywan wants him

Cause the bear is a Steiff

Tough, Scruff Bear hus goat a new hame, wae a wean.

May 26th: Hoat

The sun jist might come oot theday

An it's no cauld, warm some might say

Ah'm telt thit we wull git mair days

Ae solar heat fae cosmic rays

So in the fridge masel is luikin

Fur sumhin thit requires nae cookin

Whits this in here ma hauns dae seize?

A great big lump ae cheddar cheese

Ah mibbes make some tattie salad

An git some greens thit urny pallid

Ah'll bung the hale lot oan a plate

The tea is ready, an it luiks great

Sorted.

Ur ye no a bit previous?

Naw, how?

Whit noo en?

Ah dunno.

May 27th: Ice Cream

Ah widnae say it's roastin

As ther is a nice wee breeze

But whit ah want fur tea the night

Is sumhin oot ae the deep freeze

So ah'm gaunny git some ice cream

An make a huge granola bar

Granola bar an ice cream

Is the bestest hing by far

Wiv goat the peanut butter

An wiv goat the porridge oats

But we huvny ony ice cream

That's whit a huv furgoats!

Tap ae ma list tae, luiks like ah'm gaun back doon the street again..Bugger!

May 28th: Washin Machine

The washin machine hus gaun hyper

It's  jumpin aboot in it's lair

A fit an two hauns ur required

Tae stoap it bouncin aw oor the flair

But noo thit the cycle hus feenished

Ah luik at the washin in despair

That's no whit ah rammed intae that wash

Thers only a quilt cover in ther

So ah pullt oot this big lumpy cover

An three guesses whit ah fun inside?

It wis aw ae the rest ae ma washin

Probably why the machine took a ride

That machine hus a mind ae it's ain, it disnae need a feckin app.

May 29th: Beasties

Ma tea wis white

Ma toast wis black

It's early mornin

Ye know the crack

It isnae dark

An it isnae light

The sun's no oot

So it isnae bright

The forecast sais

Thit wance again

Thers plenty cloud

An it wull rain

Ah dinnae mind

The clouds an rain

It's they wee midges

Thit ur a pain

The midgie warnin

Shows moderate

Ther talkin crap

Ah'm gittin ate

Never you mind whits in ther Mr The Dug, mon lits getifu away fae here!

Same day

The heatwave is over

So ma lymph nodes calm doon

Ah'm away fur a dauner

Doon ther in the toon

This strikes me as sumhin

Youse mibbes agree

Scots jist canny haunel

Temps oor twinty degree

Ah cuidny care less

If ma taps aff ur oan

At least when it's cooler

Ma lymph nodes dinnae moan

Mr Dugs in agreement

An he's faimly, no pet

He is happier ootside

When it's cauld an jist wet

Well, Mr TD is a manky maukit, but he disnae like it too hoat either, appose this is why he likes mud!

May 30th: Socks

Here wan sock, noo two socks

Here three socks, an four

Ah've five socks, en six socks

Here a seventh sock, thers no more!

So unless sumbdy hus

An odd nummer ae feet

Ther is a sock missin

An it's no oan the seat

Ah huv an idea 

Why this socks oot ae sight

Is it in a quilt cover?

Er, ah knew ah wis right

An inside the quilt cover

Thers no wan sock, thers two

Ah cuid chase socks aw day

But ah huv hings tae do

May 31st: Steamin

Ah hear music in the distance

Sounds like buskers doon the street

Ah hink ah'll take a dauner

An see whae ah cin meet

Doon the street is rether busy

An this is no a holiday

It's maistly mainland punters

Oor fur sumtime away

The furst boy ah see is sittin

Upon a summer seat

He must huv hud a hard night

Cause he's sterrin at his feet

Ah hope they aw huv a guid time

An enjoy ther wee brek stay

Ther open tae hauf two the night

Jist sayin byrawey

Well, this is wher ye git the wurd steamin fae!