Jist August
August 1st: Temperature
Whit dis the forecast huv tae say?..17 degrees C, och away.
Whit dis ma wee clip oan thermometer huv tae say?..12 degrees C, that's mair like it.
An whit dis ther multifunctional clock, come hygrometer, come barometer, come thermometer huv tae say?
Ah've nae idea, cause ah canny wurk the hing, but wid imagine it's tryin tae tell me thit the current temperature is 08:76 percent degrees o'clock!
Onywey, it's no overly warm oor here theday.
August 2nd: Sharp
'They knives cuid be daein wae a wee sherpen' Thought I tae I
That's jist whit ah'll dae en.
An hour later:
Aw the veggie knives ur noo guid tae go, but ma wee clever disnae seem tae be takin oan an edge, ah'll dae that wan again.
A couple ae meenutes later: So how sherp is it noo?
It's no bad, ah'll jist away an git masel a sticky plester afore ah mop up the blood aff the table though!
Here ma Top Tip fur theday: Dinnae run yer finger doon the blade ae a knife yiv jist sherpent, jist dinnae!
August 3rd: Yella Fleg
Haw! Ther sumbdy far far away, across oan the orrer hill, flyin a big plain yella fleg oot in ther gairden!
Pardon ma ignorance, but dis that no mean thit yir diseased?
Mibbes they jist want a wee bitty peace an quiet, whae knows?
But if this isnae the case, it wis nice ae thaim tae lit the rest ae us know thit ther no weel wae sumhin highly contagious!
August 4th: Carrots
Breaking:
We goat carrots fae the fruit shoap theday! Ah kid youse not.
An ther fresh, locally grown, Scottish carrots tae!
No they foustie Inglis hings thit huv rotted tae mush in ther wee plastic bags thit the store seems tae hink ur a substitite fur actual carrots.
But know whit?
Ah never saw yer main stream media reportin ony ae this.
Why?
Cause thers nae CalMac ferries involved, that's why!
An in mair happy news:
We ur huvin carrots no jist in, but an oan tap ae wir veggie burgers.
Whit! Feckin veggie burgers?
This is a celebration chookiebundle, brek oot the mince.
Aw, right, yiv awready made thaim.
Well, I wull tell you this, wir huvin mince ramorra.
Consider yersel warnt..Heeeeucht!
August 5th: Focaccia
Why huv a goat the bakin trays oot?
Fockackaya, that's why, it's whit ah'm makin.
An naw, it's no a big pizza.
Whit um ah pittin oan ma Fockackaya?
Ah dunno yit, probably pizza toppin, how? It still disnae make it a pizza.
August 6th: Cartons
Haw here, ah jist stuck fresh orange juice in ma tea!
But that's no the bit thit worries me.
The bit thit worries me, is thit ye canny git the lids right aff these new orange juice cartons, so ah stood an fucked aboot wae the hing fur five minutes tryin tae git the lid affy it, afore a fired it in ma tea.
Onywey, tea wae orange juice is rank, personally ah wid stick tae milk.
So here ma top tip fur theday: Dinnae stick an orange coloured carton next tae a similar sized whit carton in the fridge, ther easy confused!
August 7th: Washin Machine
So ah sais tae the knowledge as ther fillin the washin machine (Ther wey) "See if ye only pit hauf a load in that hing, it disnae like it, that's how it bounces aboot aw oor the shoap, but see if ye ram it full, en it's quite happy"
"You do talk some bollocks" Reply they
"Fer doos, but ah'm no sittin oan tap ae the hing when it decides tae leave planet earth."
An hour later:
"Pardon me fur talkin bollocks mission control, but yer washin machine's coontin doon oan the launchpad through ther!"
En hauf an hour later:
Ther wir huvin a cuppa when ah sais tae thaim "See me, see they wafer biscuits, ah dinnae like they wans"
"What kind of biscuits do you like then?" Ask they
"The kind you've goat in yer bag" Reply I
"Tough" Say they
So it's like that is it?
August 8th: French Cuisine
"What are you making?" Ask they
"Ah thought thit ah wid make sumhin French theday Madame, an à la carte , that's accordin tae the menu , it wull be Casserole de saucisses."
"Sausage casserole is not French" Reply they
"Is it no?
Ah thought casserole came fae the French, onywey, it wid aw depend oan how ye say it, Sausage casserole mibbes isnae French, but Casserole de saucisses, is.
Voilà, wan Casserole de saucisses, ah've jist no cooked it yit, so it's only pommes de terre the noo."
August 9th: Radio
This mornin ah wis listenin tae an auld murder mystery radio show, wher the actors ur spraffin away in really posh BBC Inglis.
So the doctor arrives oan the murder scene:
Polis: Dae ye want a fag doctor?
Doc: Naw, here, huv wan ae mine.
Polis: Oh, dae you git your fags specially rolled?
Doc: Ay, ah git ma name splashed aw oor thaim tae dish oot tae ma patients, ah find thit ther a great stress reliever.
Polis: Ah dinnae hink the victim wull be needin such advanced care!
Haw, here, ah never jist tuned intae the comedy channel ther? ..Ur did ah?
August 10th: Home Alone
The shitehawks ur gaun utterly sper theday ur they no?
It wis a busy weekend oor here, so wid imagine thit ther must be hunners ae hauf eaten pie suppers kickin aboot in the bins doon the street.
That wid dae it fur thaim.
But here, the craws urny gaun radge, if ther wis hauf eaten suppers in the bins, they wid be gaun mental annaw.
Mair tae the point, huv you no goat hings tae dae?
Oh, ay, so ah huv.
Dae ye want tae git oan wae it en, an stoap typin dribble?
No really.
Right, whits furst oan this list?
1:The big rug in the livin room is needin hoovert.
Is it? Guid, it wull still be needin hoovert ramorra en.
Item 2: Fix the haunel oan the livin room door.
How, whits the metter wae it? Nuhin, that wull be that wan sorted, tick.
Haw, this is a long list an thers nuhin oan it ah want tae dae.
Fuck it en.
Exactly, that's whit ah say annaw.
So whit ur ye gaunny dae noo?
Ah dunno.
No hink ye shuid stoap talkin tae yersel fur sterters?
Ah dunno!
Well thers sumhin ye need tae dae urgently heid, ye need tae dial 999 an git the emergency cleanin services oot here pronto, cause yer soordough sterter hus gaun radge.
Ooooft an tae! So it hus, whit did ye feed that oan this mornin, ye pit sugar in it, dint ye?
Ay, ah did, but we awready know this, so whit ur ye tellin me fur?
So thit ye clean it up afore it turns tae concrete oan the bunker!
An yer gaunny need a bigger jar annaw here san!
Onywey: When ur two jars better thin wan jar?
Answer: When yer dealin wae an unstoppable growth an yiv no goat a bigger jar an yer mibbes even gaunny need three jars!
Right, so is that everyhin cleaned up noo?
Ay, ah hink sae.
Well, stick the kettle oan, they wull be hame in five minutes.
But is ther no sumhin yiv furgoat tae dae?
Checks list.
Oh ay, make breid...Fuck!
Whae sais it's no right tae swer, whit cinna feckin erseholes must these cants be?
August 12th: Will The Coo Show Be Eclipsed?
Yiv goat mair chance ae seein a coo jumpin oor the moon thin ye huv ae seein the moon in front ae the sun oor here theday: Fact.
Well it is the Coo Show, therfur yer chances ae catchin a glimpse ae a coo daein coo type hings, is practically guaranteed.
But oor here, clouds ur guaranteed tae.
Ye never know though, sheep cin jump a fer height annaw.
So ah sais tae Mr The Dug "Mon wull go up the beach"
An Mr The Dug sais "Ah dinnae want tae go up the beach, ah want tae go doon tae the coo show an see ma pals"
"Well wir no gaun tae the coo show, so wher dae ye want tae go?"
"Ah want tae go tae the coo show" Replies he
See talkin tae you dug, it's like talkin tae a five year auld so it is!
August 14th: Lock
Ther wis moi laughin at ma neebur yesterday, hinkin he wis locked oot the hoose due tae a sticky door haunel.
Well ah've goat a sticky lock masel, so ah thought it wis time the hing goat a wee bit TLC.
Result: Ah didnae lock masel oot, ah locked masel in.
The key turnt, the door locked.
The key turnt again, but the bolt only opened hauf wey.
Furk!
It took hauf an hour an a big chisel tae spring masel fae the gaff.
Lit me tell ye, ah wis sweatin, cause that's nae ordinary lock!
Ther wan ae wir new Bambi's in furra wee visit aw by thaimsel.
So ah hud tae inform the wee shrub muncher thit.. 'Me, scerry hooman, yersel shuid be luikin a bit worried ur at least stoap munchin oan ma shrubbery, an dinnae staun ther an ster at me like that'
Fae that long ster ah wid presume ther answer wis.. 'Ah cuidny care less whae ye ur, you cin fuck off dull boy cause this shrub is really tasty, an ah'm gaunny eat it, comprende?'
Wher dae they wee basarts pick up that foul language fae ah wonner?
An dinnae tell me ther no swerrin, that real pissed off angry luik they huv when ther sterrin at ye says aw ye need tae know!
August 16th: Dish Drainer
Wiv goat wan ae they fold up dish drainers, know, they wans wae the rubbery sides.
That must be awfy nice fur ye? Ah cin hear youse hink.
Ay, well, it wis tae this mornin, en ah thought 'That hing cuid be daein wae a wee scrub'
Furst the cutlery haudin bit burst affy it, en ma haun went right through wan ae the rubbery sides.
An when ah turnt it roon, ma haun went right through the orrer rubbery side.
Lit me tell ye, ah'll no be washin that again!
August 17th: Pies
It disnae metter how ye say 'Pies' it disnae sound like rain, dis it?
Fer doos, the wurd cuid be misheard as skies, but still, skies disnae sound onyhin like rain.
Ah never mentioned rain, not wance did a mention that wurd.
Well, is it?
Is it whit, dry? ..Dinnae be silly!
So whit ur we huvin fur wir tea thenight?
Well, ma only question fur yersel thit canny differentiate atween they two very dissimilar soundin wurds is:
Will ye be wantin beans an chips wae yer rain?
August 22nd: Big Day
It's wir heilan gemms theday, so ye know whit that means?
Ay, an influx ae people.
An the furst stoopit enquiry ae the day is "Wher cin ye git sumhin tae eat an a cup ae coffee roon aboot here?"
Well, this wid be a reasonable question if ye wirny staunin right ootside a cafe.
So dae ye gie the pantomime answer?
Naw, cause it's nice tae be nice, jist point oot thit thers at least hauf a dozen eateries hidin in plain sight, aw within a hunner yerds ae this exact spot if ye wir only tae open yer feckin eyes.
Whers ma 'Stoopit Questions Answered Here' tourist information hat?
August 23rd: Veggies
Whits this oan ther sticky note board : Make a vegetable steak pie..Ay?
A bit ae initiative required here mehinks, this is either a steak pie wae vegetables ther efter ur a veggie pie wae nae steak.
So whits it tae be?
Well, thers nae stew oot, so ah'll take this as a clue, a veggie pie wae nae steak it is en.
But whit veggies ur ye gaunny make tae huv wae these veggies in pastry?
Wull jist play that bit by ear
Cue Swedish Chef cookin music.
That wull be the veggie burgers made en.
Ah thought ye wir makin a veggie steak pie?
Feck! So ah wis, that wull be that Swedish Chef haverin pish.
Fear not, aw is not lost, jist roll a couple ae they veggie burgers intae wee baws an thers yer steak.
Guid hinkin Batman, aw ye need noo is some diced veggies in gravy.
Haw you, dinnae pit the taps ae yer fingers an blood in ther annaw, it's apposed tae be veggie.
Jings! That clever is sherp boy, whae sherpened that?
Aw you did, ya feckin eejit!
That wull be thaim back in noo, an they say thit ah huv excelled, it's jist thit a canny read, cause ther note sais: Make a vegetable and steak pie.
But noo ah git tae ask thaim whit that means. "Is this a vegetable and steak pie ye wir efter?"
"Yes" Reply they "A vegetable pie for me and a steak pie for you"
"That's two pies!
Cuid ye no jist huv wrote that, rether thin cuttin corners an missin oot a letter 'A' as in : Make a vegetable and 'A' steak pie?"
Fuckit, it's veggie pie fur ma tea the night en.
August 31st: Stock Cubes
"You could get a packet of stock cubes when you're down at the shop" Say they tae I
Ay, nae borrer, whit kind?
"Get chicken, and you could get ham, just get two" Wis ther answer
Is that wan, two ur four packets ah've tae git en?
"It's three" Reply they
Is it? Silly me
A couple ae hours later
"You have been busy" Say they "What have you been making?"
Well, ah made a chicken and mushroom pie wae a difference, the difference is thers nae chicken in it.
"So it's a mushroom pie?" Ask they
Naw, it's a chicken flavoured mushroom an vegetable pie, cause a stuck a chicken stock cube in the white sauce.
"You are getting very creative" Reply they "Is there anything different with your soup?"
Ay, it's lentil chicken an ham, but thers nae chicken ur ham in it.
"I can see a pattern developing here" Say they
Links:
Yellow Flag: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yellow_Jack_(flag)
Popcorn Swedish Chef: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7UmUX68KtE
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