September Awready?

October 12, 2026

September Awready?

September 1st: Earphones

That wull be us intae Semptember en.

But is it rainin?

Coorse it's rainin, it's feckin pishin doon!

Onywey, err ah'm comin doon the road daein ma moves tae Tranchera ,as ye dae, two steps furrit, wan step back, wave yer hauns in the err an make an 'aka ka kow' cinna burdy sound.

When ma neebur fae up the road sais sumhin like "Hats cloud an stuff"

"Ay ah know" Reply I "Endless feckin rain, wait ah minute tae ah turn this doon, ah canny hear a hing yer sayin"

En he sais "Ah dinnae hink yer earphones turnt oan"

An know whit? He wis right, it wisnae.

September 2nd: Santa List

See when the weans wir wee, ah wid huv hud at least two Santa lists fae each ae thaim by noo.

These days ah've jist goat tae yase ma ain initiative, which is nae fun, cause naebdy wants ony ae the crappy toys thit ah want a shot ae.

So ah wis browsin the perpetual oanline sales last night an saw this multi purpose hing fur daein sumhin, ah'm no quite sure whit it's fur daein though, but ah thought, that luiks like a rether interestin heap ae crap, whae cuid ah git that fur?

September 3rd: Coleslaw

"There is a lot of noise outside today" Say they tae I

Ay, ah know, thers a 360 track machine diggin a hole, that's the bucket ye hear clunkin, an thers a forklift emptyin a lorry, that's the reversin beep ye hear.

"I thought you were half deaf" Reply they

Ay, ah um but the winds blowin in the right direction theday, plus ah cin see whits gaun oan oor oan the orrer hill fae here.

"Where?" Ask they "How can possibly see over there from here?"

Wae they big binoculars, ony mair questions?

"Yes" Say they "Why has that carrot been floating in a bowl of water in the sink all morning?"

Cause ah peeled it.

"I see" Reply they "That doesn't answers the question"

Well, ah'm makin coleslaw.

"What, with one carrot?" Reply they

Obviously the carrot wid only be wan ingredient in ma coleslaw.

"So what else will you be adding to this coleslaw then?" Ask they

Ah dunno yit, that's why the carrots still floatin in the bowl.

Jings! It's jist a feckin carrot in a bowl, is it borrerin ye?

So here ma top tip fur theday: Dinnae fuck aboot in the kitchen wae a chef when it's ther turn tae dae the cookin.

Awrite, ah'm gaun.

Mon dug, lits gettifu, an ah dinnae want stovies byrawey, jist you leave ma coleslaw ingredient in the bowl alane.

Ah cin dae whit wae it?

Naw ah dinnae hink ah cin, ah've awready scraped it, so it widnae be hygienic!

September 4th: Cooking oil

"Thers three boattles ae cookin oil in the cupboard an a jist opened wan oan the bunker, whits the script? We rarely yase the stuff."

"I am stocking up" Reply they

"Ur ye? Well yer gittin intae dangerous grun here noo chookiebundle, ah widnae git anorrer wan ur the Yanks wull invade the kitchen."

"I was reading that there could be a food shortage" Say they

"Wir ye? Well we wull be awrite en, we cin drink the cookin oil."

Ah really wonner at times!

September 5th: Oh Deer

Ah near shit masel ther.

Ah goes oot the back tae clean the muck aff ma wellies, an ther a wee deer, aw curled up unner a hedge shelterin fae the rain wae jist it's heid an neck poppin oot.

It blendit in perfectly wae the hedge.

An fae that angle, ah thought thit ah wis luikin at a feckin kangaroo sittin ther chewin the cud!

It wisnae fur budgin onywey, it jist sterred back at me as if ah hud horns.

September 6th: Minestrone

Ah hink ah'll make Mini-stroan soup theday fur a wee chainge, whit dae ye hink?

"I think it's called Minestrone" Reply they

"Is it? Well, no the wey ah make it, whit ah'll be makin is a wee pot ae pishy watter, hence the name - Mini, as in wee, an Stroan, as in pish."

"So you are making Consommé then?" Say they

"That's the wurd ah wis luikin fur, same difference."

September 10th : Toast

Toast, that's aw ah'm sayin.

See if ye git yer breakfast in a hotel ur a cafe an ye want toast, that's exactly whit ye git..Toast

Ye dinnae specify thit ye want three minute toast ur four an a hauf minute toast, dae ye? Naw, ye jist git yer toast the wey it comes.

An byrawey, thers nae such hing as wan minute toast, that's no even warm breid, ye wid be better aff jist huvin a piece.

An whits a toastie pocket? Wiv nane onywey, wiv goat four minute toast.

September 14th: Washin Machine

"Why are you talking to the washin machine?" Ask they.

"Ah wis jist tellin the basart thit ah dinnae huv time fur it's shite theday, an if it disnae feckin git oan wae the washin bit, it cuid weel end up wae sumhin rammed doon it's pipes.

See, yiv goat tae yase psychology oan these machines.

Dinnae ster at me like that, luik, it wurked, it's daein it's hing noo."

"That's because I just turned it on at the mains" Reply they

Smert erse.

September 15th: YouTube Vidjeos

Ah jist watched this cookin vidjeo , well, ah didnae watch aw ae it, cause it wis 55 minutes long.

Onywey, the chickenshitgunranch.com channel owner wis showin ye how make an easy dinner in five minutes.

So tae cut tae the gist, whit ye dae is fire hunners ae tins ae shit intae a slow cooker an turn it oan, en when ye come hame fae yer holidays in a fortnight ur so, it shuid be ready, ur at least warm.

Ther ye go, some fowk huv jist goat too much time oan ther hauns, no hink?

Ah cin hear youse hinkin, is that whit ye made fur the tea en?

Well, naw, it wisnae.

Whit ah made fur thenights tea wis even better thin Greggs cheese an onion pasties, cause ah awready knew how tae make thaim.

Ah only ventured oan tae how tae drag a vidjeo oot as ah wis luikin fur some quick an easy ideas fur ramorra nights tea.

An did ah fun sumhin?

Well, naw ah didnae!

Ther the rain went aff, ah'm away oot.

September 16th: Tatties

Thers moi doon the store browsin aw the oot ae stock alang the veggie aisle when ah saw they hud 1.5 kg bags ae tatties fur 99p.

But haud oan a minute, right next tae these tatties is the exact same 1.5 kg bags ae tatties fur £1.75.

So ah hud tae ask.

Well, it turns oot thit the 99p bags ur ther in stock seasonals, an the £1.75 bags urny seasonal, although ther in stock.

Ther ye go, silly me!

September 17th: Text Messages

Oh, here a message fae thaim which reads sumhin like:

'I doughnut feel much time, pickled a flew massages, willing blank abrupt eleven.'

Message back:

Either yiv no goat yer glesses oan ur yer yasin spellcheck again, but ah hink ah goat that.

Message back fae thaim:

OK, seek youth later.

Whit cinna language dis autocorrect yase?

September 18th: Cream Crackers

See cream crackers wae cream cheese an mature cheddar, they ur fabulous so they ur.

But ther no sae guid if ye made thaim last night fur a wee bedtime snack, en furgoat ye left the tub oan the kitchen table.

Ther mair like cream chewies thin crackers noo.

But here a hing, how come ye never feel like cream crackers an cheese, chewy ur orrerwise, fur yer breakfast?

Fur mair ae life's unanswert questions, jist log intae..whaegiesanactualfuck.com

September 19th: Loose Tooth

Hoots mon, thers a tooth loose thits in ma mooth!

An it wisnae loosened by a Maynards Wine Gum either, cause ah dinnae eat sweeties.

Bugger, ah'll need tae nip up an see The Extractionist.

See, dentists ur like banks oor here, thers nane left, jist the emergency wan, an he only dis wan hing, howk thaim oot!

Appose, if it's goat tae go, it's goat tae go.

No hink teeth ur an evolutionary design flaw, how come they dinnae last as long as yer gums?

September 20th: La Cucaracha

Ther the mucker up the parks gien it big time wae the moves, en he sterts chantin La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha

"Awrite" Say I tae he "Whits wae the cockroaches?"

"Awrite" Sais he tae I as he takes his earphones oot "Whit ur ye oan aboot?"

"The song, it's aboot a cockroach".

"Is it? Ah thought it wis aboot a Chihuahua" Replies he

"See ya later" Sais I

"Ay, see ye later" Sais he

En we jist danced away in opposite directions.

Ah'll need tae download that song, thought I tae masel.

September 22nd: It Must be Tuesday

This must be Tuesday?

An how dae ah know this?

Well, thers carrots written doon oan ther must huv message list, an we only git carrots fae the fruit shoap, an the fruit shoap shuts fur hauf day closin aw day oan a Wednesday, as in, they dinnae open attaw oan Wednesdays.

Therfur logic wid suggest thit this must be Tuesday, either that ur it's Thursday.

But it's no Thursday as wir too close tae Sunday, that wis jist the orrer day, an ah know this cause the fruit shoap is shut oan a Sunday annaw.

An hour later:

"What is that you are making?" Ask They

"Chilli sauce, how?"

"That just looks hot" Say they

"Ay, ah widnae rub yer eyes efter luikin at that!"

"You have made an awful lot have you not?" Reply thaim

"Naw, cause ah'm makin chilli beans an chilli pizza an sumhin else wae chilli sauce."

"What is the something else?" Enquires the Spanish Inquisition.

"Ah dunno yit, that's why ah made a lot, so thit ah'll huv enough."

"I take it the fruit shop had chillies?" Say they

"Whit makes ye hink that?".

September 24th: Scan

Ah wis up at wee hospital furra scan ther an nurse came through fur me, but she read ma name oot aw wrang, middle name furst, en surname, en furst name.

"Nearly" Sais I "But as thers only moi here in the waitin room, ye must be efter masel"

So she read ma name oot again "That's it" Sais I tae she "But that's no whit ah usually git caed"

"What do usually get called?" Asks she

"That Cunt" Replied I

"Yes" Sais she "I have heard your name mentioned often next door in the surgery"

September 25th: Dark

Ah'm no movin right this mornin, ma erms an legs dinnae seem tae want tae move in ony cinna coordinated manner, as a metter ae fact, they seem tae be wantin tae dae completely different hings.

This is probably cause it's still quite dark, some ae ma body perts huv jist no wakened up yit.

Ah hink whit ah need is a different beat, sumhin Intense

Ther ye go, see, that's aw it took!

September 26th: Plate

"What are you turning the kitchen upside down for now?" Ask they ae I

"Ah've loast a plate".

"What kind of a plate?"

"A wee plate".

"The side dishes are in there" Say they

"It's no wan ae thaim, it's a wee plate thit fits perfectly oan tap ae this pot".

"Why don't you use a pot lid?" Ask they

"Cause this pot disnae huv a lid".

"Use a different pot then" Wis ther answer

"But ah like this pot".

"You have lost more than a plate" Say they

"What are you making anyway?" Enquires the Spanish Inquisition

"Ah've awready made it".

"What have you already made?" Ask they

"White puddin, cause that ay goes doon weel"

"Jings!" Say they "That's an awful lot is it not?"

"Ay, well, see, hauf a bag a barley disnae luik much when it's dry, in a big pot, but wance yiv biled the stuff thers ay mair ae it thin ye thought ther wis gaunny be.

Noo, if ah hud ma wee plate thit fitted, ah wid huv yased ma usual wee pot".

"Do you never measure anything?" Ask Thaim

"Whit difference wid that make?"

September 29th: Chillies

ooooft! That's a lot ae chillies, ah huv nae idea whit a bought aw thaim fur, it jist seemed like a guid idea at the time.

An ah did say "Ay, jist chuck in anorrer haunfy"

Mibbes ah wis hinkin they wir tomaties at the time.

Nae wonner the lassie in the shoap wis sterrin at me like a wisnae right, she must huv bin hikin whit ah'm hikin right noo "Whit the fuck is he gaunny dae wae aw they chillies?"

An that's a guid question!

September 30th: Value Watter

Whits Value Watter? Dis it git poured intae the boattle straight fae a tap?

The store hus it onywey, an it's 89 pence fur 2 litres.

But this is whit goat me ponderin.

This Value Watter is right next tae ther Value Cola an Value Lemonade, but that's only 45 pence fur 2 litres.

Dae ye no huv tae add fizz an flavourin tae cola an lemonade, so hows it cheaper thin watter?

Mibbes ther Value Watter hus sumhin added tae it annaw?

Ur mibbes it's Inglis watter an they huv tae treat it?

Whae knows?

Links:

Tranchera : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kc6qxb2l77s