Rhyming Through August
August 1st: Meatless Meatbaws
Whae wull be makin the dinner?
Luiks awfy like that wull be me
Ther gaun tae the optition
As they huv sumbdy tae see
But thiv left me a list oan the noteboard
Wae hings thit ah huv tae dae
Fur the tea it sais 'meatless meatbaws'
An ah'm hinkin, no feckin wey
The big soup pot is oot ae the cupboard
At least warm soups sumhin hoat
But as fur ther crap meatless meatbaws
Ah'll no be makin the hings - I will not
So ah gether a load ae ingredients
Some fae high up an some fae quite low
But en ah open the fridge door
An see Meatless Meatbaws, aw naw!
Thiv made the tomaty sauce annaw.
So it luiks like theday ah wull be maistly cookin spaghetti!
August 2nd: Efternin
So how wis your efternin en?
Well, as usual, it jist rhymed along in a cinna singa songy cin ae a wey:
Mr Strange bought a new lawnmower
An he gied it plenty choke
Five minutes later whit he hud ther
Wis a lawnmower thit wis broke
Ah see whit you huv done Strange
Yiv buggered up the mix
So if ye gie that machine tae me
Yer lawnmower ah cin fix
But naw he widnae wer this
An he stormed back doon the store
Where they telt him he hud flooded it
An no tae dae this ony more.
See, ah telt ye!
August 3rd: No Again?
We hud a bitty sunshine
An noo wir back tae rain
But wan hing never chainges
Wiv nae internet again
It clicks aff in the mornin
It turns aff every night
Thers wan hing thits fur defo
Wir internet is shite
Ye try tae purchase items
Fae countries far away
Well, this is quite impossible
If yiv nae internet theday
Ah'm no really borrered
Ah still write ma garbage doon
It saves me huvin tae spraff mince
Tae the fowks aroon the toon
Appose this makes thaim happy annaw!
August 4th: Doctor Chib
The doc sais, you urny weel san
Ah hink ye might huv this
Ah said ah didnae want that wan
Ah'll jist gie that a miss
Whit aboot this wan here en?
It's really rether rare
Ah huv awready goat that wan
An ah don't want it ony mair
The doc sais ah'm complicated
So he wants tae dae mair tests
Naw, jist furget invasive biopsies
Why no gie yer tests a rest?
Every time we git a new guy
They want tae cut an slice
Me masel is no sae keen
Cause they operations urny nice
Naw, nae mair ya chib happy freak!
August 5th: Tattie Masher
Ah hud a tattie masher
But it is nae longer ther
So ah pondered oan it's wheraboots
An wonnert wher o wher?
En ah fun the tattie masher
It wis ootside oan the ster
So en ah sat an pondered
How the fuck did that git ther?
Yer daein too much ponderin
Thought I masel tae me
Yiv fun the tattie masher
Noo git oan wae the tea
Ah know ye fun the masher
But afore ye mash tat-tees
You wull huv tae wash it furst
Cause it wull be durt-ees
Why? Cause it wis lyin oot oan the steps ya feckin radge.
August 6th: Milk
Oh deary, deary, deary me's
Whits in ma tea is cheddar cheese
An noo ye say that milks no right
Cause it's bin lyin oot aw night
Ah didnae boak ur say feck sakes
When ah poured yer milk thit's fur pancakes
But ye sat an watched pour it oot
Well, tell me en, whits that aboot?
So ye thought thit it wid be a laugh
Tae watch me pour oot milk thits naff
Well aw thit ah noo huv tae say
Is ah poured it in your coffee tae!
Whaes laughin noo?
Whit wis that? Ah'm gaunny luik that up.
August 7th: Tatties
Wher maist tatties cin be fun
Is unner soil, in the grun
So if ye drap thaim oan the flair
Dinnae chuck thaim in the bucket ther
They clean up easier thin ye hink
Jist wash an peel thaim in the sink
En fling yer tubers in a pot
An bile thaim up til they ur hoat
But weans these days eat oot a packet
Instant mash, ye canny whack it
Tae me it disnae taste the same
An probably wull rot yer brain
So dinnae chuck ma tatties oot brain deid, comprende?
August 8th: Samosas
It is darker thin night here this mornin
The big lights ur oan right up the street
An Mr Dug disnae seem in a hurry
He's lyin conked oot fast asleep
So ah luik in the fridge fur some ideas
Thers root ginger an veggies in here!
It luiks like ah'm makin samosas
An a curry thit mony wid fear
Whit ah need noo is mair cookin music
Well, maist ae the prep work is done
So ah sit oan a cher, wave ma hauns in the err
Ur ye cookin ur dancin here san?
Jist gaunny git oan wae it?
August 9th: Smarty Pants
That's thaim jist back in fae ther shoappin
Ther fer drookit, that's soakin an wet
En they ask me why, masel is still dry?
Well, ah huvny been oot in that yit!
Mr Dug hus a smert doggies instinct
He didnae go far cause he knew
Thit theday wance again, we wid git heavy rain
So wiv no come hame wringin like you
The rain husny halted fur hours
An Mr Dug is still dry in his kip
But that's him up noo, fur a scratch ana chew
Wull mibbes go oot in a bit
Telt ye, ther the rain gaun aff!
August 10th: Letters
Ther anorrer letter here
An whae it's fur, ah've nae idea
It's no fur thaim across the road
Cause ther name isnae Nematode
This letters stamped wae the queens heid
But pardon me, is Madge no deid?
It luiks official onywey
This letter fae the Admiralty
We git these letters every day
Ther fae a bot far far away
An jist in case ye didnae knew
Yer car insurance is noo due
Ye wid hink thit an artificially intelligent cuid at least git it's customers names an addresses right, eh?
August 11th: Sun
Ther the sun keekin through
An the sky is quite blue
Why no nip up the parks?
But ah huv hings tae do
Och, thers nuhin important
Thit needs tae be done
Jist git oot while it's dry
Jist git oot in the sun
Will ah need a jaiket?
Dinnae hink that oot loud
Whit is that thits noo up ther?
Ay, a big feck off cloud
It's no rainin though.
Shut yer mooth an dinnae push yer luck!
August 18th: Paint
Ah scrolled through the forecasters werrer
In search ae a day wae nae rain
Ah've hings thit ur ootside need painted
But aw ther forecasts say the same
Every day fae the sky will faw watter
Every day it wull totally pish
Every day you wll need a big jaiket
Unless yer a duck ur a fish
So ah guess thit ah jist wullny borrer
Tae open this big tin ae gloss
Ah thought ye said hings needit painted?
Well, frankly, ah don't gie a toss
Onywey, whits the rush?
Ah cin ay paint sumhin else.
We hud a tattie masher
An it wis really guid
It mashed up aw wir tatties
Like a tattie masher shuid
But en we goat a new wan
Thit through the post wis sent
So ah tried it oan some tatties
An the feckin hing jist bent
Well ah'm gaun doon the street the noo
Tae scour the charity shoaps
In search ae ancient tattie mashers
Thit wull mash hings oan stovetops
Dis embdy actually make onyhin thits fit fur purpose these days?
August 23rd: Early
It wis four thirty a.m.
An still really dark
Mrs Cat's oan ma heid
She's jist huvin a lark
It wis five thirty a.m.
Ther wis noo some light
Mr Dug gied a whimper
It's too early you, right
It wis six thirty a.m.
Ah've a nice cuppa tea
Mrs Cat is noo sleepin
An Mr Dugs hud a pee
It wis seven thirty a.m.
The furries ur back in bed
Why do you get up so early?
Is whit the senior partner jist said
Well, sumbdy hus tae wake the burdies, an ah'm up onywey!
August 25th: Clouds
Some clouds ur fluffy
Some clouds ur white
Some clouds ur dark
An ye need the big light
Some clouds pour water
Fae oorrers comes snaw
Whit thedays clouds wull dae
Ah really don't know
They urny real dark
An ther no fluffy white
Dae ye hink it wull rain?
Ah wid hink thit it might
So whit cinna jaiket
Dae ye hink ye wull need?
Wan wae long sleeves
An a hood fur ma heid
Luik oot, luik oot thers clouds ae midgies aboot!
August 26th: Scones
The scones ah made wir tattie
An thers thicker wans fur me
It's luikin cinna awfy like
A fry up fur wir tea
So ah made a big white puddin
An some veggie burgers tae
Ah take it thit yiv sussed thit
It's a veggie fry up byrawey
Ther isnae wan meat sausage
Ther isnae even a bit steak
Aw ther is is vegetables
Ah'm gaunny fry insteed ae bake
Well, it's Wednesday, the butchers is shut theday.
August 27th: Soup
Ah wis doon the store ther fur essenstials.
Well ah goat milk, but thers a line through everyhin else oan ma message list.
It luiks tae me awfy like thiv totally selt oot ae aw ther oot ae stock.
Ah wonner when thull git ther plastic Halloween pumpkins in?
At least en we cuid huv plastic pumpkin soup.
Ah hink ah'll bile some watter
Cause thiv nuhin doon the store
An when ah've feenished bilin that
Ah'll bile up some more
They huvny ony stock cubes
They huvny goat a loat
At least wae biled watter
Ye wull huv sumhin hoat
But it needs a wee addition
Ma biled watter soup
Ah'll mibbes add ma underwear
An make it easier tae scoop
August 28th: Pizzas
Ah'm no sure whit cinna pizzas
Ah'm gaunny make theday
So ah ask the dug an ask the cat
"Make roon wans" Is whit they say
Ah thank thaim fur ther feedback
But that's no quite whit ah need
Ah want ideas fur the toppin
Tae stick oan this roon flat breid
Next ah asked the senior partner
But they dinnae really care
Well ah jist said focaccia
That's Tally breid, ah didnae swer
It's luikin like cheese, onion an tomatie en, fuckemaw.
August 29th: Normal
The forecast sais it's rain ramorra
An rain the next day tae
They say it's rain furever
That's jist normal byrawey
It ay rains in the mornin
It ayweys rains at night
But sumtimes in the efternin
We git a bit ae bright
It disnae really metter
Whit the forecast sais it wullny
The werrer dis it's ain hing
Yer either dry ur else ye urny
August 31st: Weather Fur September
Whit dis the forecast huv tae say fur this week en?
Mondays rain, Tuesdays rain
Wednesdays rain tae
Thursdays rain, Fridays rain
It's rain everyday
Whit aboot next week?
It jist sais the same
Apert fae the 10th
When it mibbes no rain
It's no rainin noo
Thers a wee glint ae light
But the forecast sais later
An ther probably right
So ah'm gaun doon the street
Tae pit oan a bet
Thit it rains oan the 10th
An we aw git wet
Whits the odds?
Comments
Post a Comment