This Was June

It goat quite hoat this June in the year 2026 

No the year Westminster politicians keep harpin oan aboot it gittin quite warm doon in London, that wis 1976.

An no the year yer Inglis press an media keep harpin oan aboot thaim winnin the Wurld Cup, that wis 1966

But this is Scotland, an we didnae win the Wurld Cup in 1966.

We didnae git a three week long heat wave in 1976 either.

An tae tap aw that historical sleverin aff, we didnae git plus 30 degrees C this month either.

Naw, we goat two days ae sun an two days ae hoat, sticky an clammy.

An know whit else? Ay, we wullny feckin harp oan aboot this fur the next sixty year.

June 1st: Bee

Ther a big bumble bee jist flew in the windae, ah'll need tae coax it back ootside cause in the hoose is nae place fur bees.

See, ah dinnae mind bees, but they bumble thaimsels intae everyhin when ther in the hoose, so ther better aff ootside.

Oan the orrer haun, wa'sps make me sweat, ah dinnae like wa'sps, ther real pissed off beasties, ah've never come across onyhin mair pissed aff thin a wa'sp.

Well, apert fae that boy whae drapped his Hogmanay cerry oot ootside the store, fortunately fur him aw his mixers wir in plastic boattles, so they didnae brek, he wis lucky ther!

June 5th: Tattie Salad

Whit dis this say oan the noteboard? 'Tattie Salad' in big letters.

Ah dinnae want tattie salad.

But it's no aboot whit you want, is it?

Naw, it never is.

Whit ur we huvin wae this tattie salad? It disnae say.

Appose it aw must be in haun, either that ur wir jist huvin tattie salad fur wir tea.

Ah widnae worry aboot it en.

Dinnae worry, ah dinnae worry.

Gaunny stoap talkin tae yersel, that talkin tae yersel is worryin masel!

Dinnae listen tae yersel en.

Dinnae worry, ah dinnae!

June 6th: Sweepstake

Thers moi pullin ma teams oot the hat fur wir Wurld Cup sweep.

Jings naw, whits this? Inglan!

Ah dinnae want Inglan, cin ah pit that wan back?

Naw, wis the answer, yer stuck wae thaim noo, an thank goodness that's thaim oot the hat.

Och, shite, but noo fur ma next team ..Scotland.. Ya beauty!

Ah mibbes wullny win the sweep but at least ah've goat Scotland..Mon the boys..Heeeeucht!

"You are a jammy basart" Say they

An hour later:

So in stoats the wean an sais "What teams did you get in Mum's sweep?"

"Ah goat the only wan thit metters."

"Ay, so we heard" Replies he "Who else did ye get?"

"Well wan ae thaims awready in the bucket, but ah also goat:

Brazil

Portugal

Holland

Spain

Ubekistan

An Cape Verde"

"You are a jammy basart Dad" Say they

June 8th: Table

"You have done something in here" Say they tae I

"Huv ah, whit huv ah done?"

"You have moved that plant to the far end of the kitchen table" Reply they

"Ay, so ah huv."

"Can you not see the difference" Ask they

"Naw, no really, cause the table is still cluttered wae your shite, ah wisnae fur chancin movin ony ae that!"

June 9th: Dictionary

No, you do not have a sense of humour" Say they tae I " What you have is a childish mentality and a pestiferous penchant for sarcasm"

"Dae ah?"

"Yes" Reply they, afore comin oot wae a load ae mair big wurds.

Well, ye know whit ah'm gaunny dae? 

Ay, ah'm gaunny luik up they big wurds up afore ah reply tae ony ae that.

June 10th: Singin In The Dry

Ah'm singin in the dry, just singin in the dry

Whit a weird an strange feelin, an ah dunno why

Ah'm laughin at clouds as they pass me by

But the sun isnae oot, an the wind is quite high

Scratch that

I'm singin' in the rain, just singin' in the rain

What a glorious feelin', I'm happy again

Jist wan feckin day wae a wee bitty sun wid be nice, it's no much tae ask fur, is it?

See, ah thought thit ah wis gaunny make it hame dry theday.

See whit thought did, eh? 

June 11th: Plants

"We have far too many house plants" Said the senior partner tae I yesterday " Half of them will need to go"

"Ah take it yiv made yer mind up aboot this en?"

"Definitely" Reply they

No even an hour ago, in they stoat laden wae hooseplants an tell me thit the fruit shoap hud a plant clearance sale oan.

"I thought we wir gittin rid ae plants?"

"Yes, we are" Wis ther answer "But we don't have some of these ones!"

That makes aw the difference en!

June 12th: Cat Food

"I just got a shopping delivery for today because I am desperate for cat food" Say they tae I

"Really? Ah've only tried the Dreamies an they wir rank."

"For the cat" Reply they

"Whits the metter wae the cat food thits ther?"

"She doesn't like those flavours" Say they

"Whit dae ye git the multipacks fur en?"

"Because she likes a wee change" Wis ther answer

Ay! Ah'll jist shut up en, wull ah?

Ther train ae thought boggles ma mind!

June 15th: Mince

Ah wis quite happy chantin away tae masel:

Biled eggs an carrots

Biled eggs an carrots

Bum burry um, bum bum bum bum

When they intrude oan ma harmonium jist tae lit me know thit the wurds ur 'Biled beef an carrots' 

En they enquire if ah wis makin mince as well as singin it. 

Huh!

Well ah'm no actually, an the clues wir ther, it is:

Biled eggs an carrots

Biled eggs an carrots

That's the stuff furra sunny spell

Ye cin make a salad wae that as well

See, ye never lit me feenish

"I thought you were making pizzas?" Wis ther next question

"Naw, ah made a loaf an some pizza bases, see, ah'm jist spontaneous that wey."

"Do you ever write down a menu" Ask they

"Naw, cause ye canny be spontaneous if ye write it doon, onywey, whae wants last nights mibbes fur ther tea theday?"

"The only mibbes with you is how much of a serious want there is about you" Reply thaim

"So ur ye wantin mince en? Ah cin make mince if ye want, cause yiv no written mince doon oan yer menu fur this week, an ah'm spontaneous"

June 16th: Grapes

How guid ur grapes? They make ye want tae dance.

Well, staun up an wave yer erms aboot onywey.

But see, some might say thit wavin yer erms aboot in a cinna rhythmic motion, wis dancin.

Wherus, orrers might say, sit doon ya feckin eejit afore ye brek sumhin.

June 21st: Faithers Day Solstice

"What are you doing today then Dad?" Ask they

"Well, see that lounger oot ther, ah'm gaunny be lyin oan that when the sun comes roon."

"It's a nice day for a barbecue" Say they

"Is it?  Well, see that lounger oot ther, ah'm gaunny be lyin oan that when the sun comes roon."

"What do you think about a barbecue then?" Reply they

"See that lounger oot ther, ah'm gaunny be lyin oan that when the sun comes roon. 

Dis that no answer yer question?"

"Have you got charcoal?" Wis ther answer.

June 23rd: El Scorchio

How guid is Indian tonic watter an fresh orange?

That's jist whit ah'm gaunny huv, cause thers fresh orange an tonic in the fridge.

Wait a minute, naw thers no.

Whae wid drink that? It's only masel thit likes it.

Mibbes it's in the wee fridge?

Oh tae! Here beer still in the wee fridge, ah wonner whae never drunk that? 

Obviously they never knew it wis ther.

Options

1: Go back doon the shoaps fur tonic an orange.

2: Sit ootside an drink ice cauld beer.

mmmm? 

Whit a dilemma! Ah'm no sure whit tae dae noo.

June 25th: Jeezo's An It's Hoat

Ther nineteen seventy wans fashion catalogue at the door..Again!

An it's jist too hoat tae be polite theday, so ah only hud wan relevant theological question fur thaim.

'Wher dae youse git they claithes fae, huv youse goat yer ain shoap?'

Blank ster!

Well, it wis nice talkin tae youse, an it wis nice ae youse tae ster at masel, but ah need tae git ma washin in afore the wurld ends, it shuid be dry by noo.

But afore ye go, dae youse want wan ae these flyers? Ah hink this wans the new chippy menu.

Well?

June 27th: Troosers

Huv ye seen ma black cargo troosers?" Enquire I ae they

"Yes, they are in the bedroom" Reply they "But you can't get them just now"

"How no?"

"Because the cat is sleeping in there" Wis ther answer

"Honestly, ur you serious?

Well, ah'll phrase the question annorer wey en ..Dae ah huv ony troosers, thit urny in the bedroom, ah cin git?"

"What is the matter with the ones you are wearing?" Ask they

"These ur ma dry troosers, ah keep these wans fur werrin aboot the hoose."

"Not today" Say they "The cat has been up all night" 

"Ay? But the cat is up trashin sumhin ur hingin fae the curtains every night, whits new?"

"She was up all last night because of the thunder, so she needs a rest" Reply thaim

"Fine, ah'll jist stoat aboot in ma boxer shorts tae she's recovert en, wull ah?"

"You are one pachydermatous swine" Say they

"Um ah, whit dis that mean? It sounds like an elephants skin disease.

Ah'm gaunny luik that up.

How dae ye spell that?"

June 28th: Nice

It's nice theday, wiv goat a wee bitty sun, a wee bitty a breeze an best ae aw, they nippy wee bitin basarts urny oot.

Sayin that, ah still widnae chance venturin onywher roon aboot the wids, yer in a dip up ther, so thers nae breeze tae blow the wee feckers away.

Ur ye listenin tae me noo Mr The Dug?

Naw, ah didnae hink ye wir.

An know whit?

Ay, ma assumptions wir spot on.

Bugger!

Know whit ah want tae know?

See when yer aw tucked in, socks, sleeves etc.

How dae still git right up yer crevice?

June 30th: Mars

Is ther life oan Mars?

Ah dunno, mibbes ther is, mibbes ther wis, mibbes ther wisnae an still isnae. 

Whae knows?

But ah'm sure thit yer Rover ther hus snapped a photie thit provides fossilised evidence fur a Martian Huckleberry Hound type Martian cartoon dug cinna hing.

The rock in that photie certainly luiks cartoonishly canine tae ma bespectacled pareidolian peepers onywey!