June In Rhymes

June 1st: Rain

The summers here an no too soon

The day it is the furst ae June

So the sky is dark, clouds aw aroon

An guaranteed, it's pishin doon

Whit dis the forecast say? Oh! Rain.

Whit aboot ramorra? Oh! Rain.

Wednesday an Thursday luiks promisin though, rain wae thunder an lightnin.

Appose, it wull make a wee chainge fae jist rain oan it's ain.

This metters not wan singel jot, ah huv hings tae dae, like git wet!

June 2nd: Greenery

Ah yased tae huv a back lane

Ah wonner wher it's gaun

It wis ther jist two weeks ago

Noo it's aw overgrown

The jaggies ur noo three fit high

Tree branches touch the grun

So if ye drapped yer phone in ther

It wid be winter afore it's fun

Ah'll need tae git ma saith oot

An cut a wee bit back

It wid make life a lot easier

Tae dauner doon a track

It's no as simple as that though, the greenery hus gaun radge an thers feckin miles ae it, well, thers a couple ae hunner yerds ae it onywey.

June 3rd: Showers

Ah never said it wisnae rainin

An ah never said it wis

Whit ah said is, it's damp an wet

You decide jist whit that is

Ah never said thit it wis Baltic

Ah never said thit it wis warm

Whit ah said is, it's damp an wet

An a quagmire up the ferm

Ah never said thit ah wis wringin

Ah never said thit ah wis dry

Whit ah said is, ma jaikets wet

So ah've hung it up, an that's why

See, theday wiv goat cinna aff an oan rain, so it's neither rainin nor dry, it's a bit ae baith, which makes a wee chainge.

June 4th: Finger

Thers sumhin went wrang wae ma finger

It's the index wan, left an no right

No the wan thit ah yase fur tae point wae

But it must huv bin pointin last night

Ah didnae wake up hinkin finger

An ah didnae wake up hinkin pains

Ah woke up hinkin ah'll jist pit ma socks oan

Jings! Ma fingers aw swelt up wae sprains

Well, ah'm no gaunny borrer the doctor

An ah'm no gaunny borrer the nurse

Cause ah managed tae pull baith ma socks oan

So thers nae need tae swer ur tae curse

Ay? Feckin fingers! 

June 5th: Jaiket

Ah huv an auld wax jaiket

An ah wer it aw the time

A lick ae wax noo an again

An it keeps ye dry jist fine

Ah huv plenty orrer jaikets

But they dinnae really wurk

A day oot in the rain oor here

An yer yasin wurds like furk

So ah've goat oot ther herr dryer

An some wax ah wull apply

Cause ye really need a jaiket

Thit keeps ye nice an dry

Haw, ah never said thit it keeps yer feet dry, aw the watter runs right aff it an straight doon yer wellies, but ye canny huv everyhin.

June 6th: Glesses

Ah walked intae the shower

En ah walked intae a door

Ther anorrer per ae glesses

Lyin broken oan the floor

Ah jist need the hings fur readin

An huv tae take thaim aff tae see

Exactly wher ah'm gaun

An wher ah aim tae pee

So ah wrote doon oan ma shoppin list

Tae git anorrer per

But noo ah canny read this

Cause ma glesses ur nae mair

"Is that you in fur yer weekly glesses?" Enquires the lassie in Semichem. 

June 7th: Shrub

Ah planted a bush

Thit goat really big

So ah cut it back doon

Tae the size ae a twig

Whit did ye dae that fur?

Wis ther question tae me

Cause oot ae the windae

Ye jist cuidny see

But that wis last year

An it's grew back awrite

Noo the view fae the windae

Is a shrub blockin light

It's like a feckn jungle oot ther mon!

June 8th: Mop

Theday we huv a new mop

An this mops jist caed a mop

It husny ony fancy names

Like Vileda Rinseclean Slop

It husny ony superpowers

It's jist a mass ae twisted threeds

An aw ye needs a bucket

En ye wring it when it needs

So ah went an fillt the bucket

But whers the bit fur wringin oot?

Probably in anorrer bucket

Ae this ther is nae doobt

Ah'll jist yase ma hauns tae wring the hing oot en.

An youse cin sign ma petition tae git mops staunerised at:  wanmop-wanbucket.eejits.org

June 9th: Printer

Ah goat oot the printer tae print stuff

But it decidit it's no gaunny wurk

It cin be a nippy wee sweetie

Mair like a cantankerous auld furk

So ah pressed aw the buttons fur reset

An ah chainged aw the ink tae brand new

Still nuhin came oot oan the paper

No even a wee line ae blue

Ah suppose thit ah shuid git a new wan

But ah still huv a full boax ae ink

See, the Wi-Fi disnae like that wee printer

An the printer hates Wi-Fi, ah hink

OK. So it's like that is it?  Awrite, whers aw the cables fur this feckin hing?

June 10th: Wee Burdies

It wis three forty two in the mornin

It wisnae light an it wisnae quite dark

When aw the wee burds sterted chirpin

Ah hink they wir huvin a lark

It wis four forty two in the mornin

When the wid doos goat up oot ae bed

Woo woo woo, woo woo woo's whit ther sayin

But ah never quite goat whit they said

It wis five forty two in the mornin

Noo the craws huv aw sterted tae fight

Thers nae point in ye lyin here swerrin

Jist git up en, no hink sae? Awrite

So ah did.

It's noo seven forty two in the mornin

An ootside ther is silence aw roon

Ah wonner wher the wee burdies huv got tae?

Mibbes breakfast is served doon the toon?

June 11th: Pipes

Thers bubbles in the kitchen

These bubbles ur in the sink

The waste pipe mibbes cuid be blocked

Well, that is whit ah hink

So ah pullt aff the rubber grommet

An ah poked it wae a rod

An ye know whit ah fun in there

Ay, a great big oozin dod

This pipe goes fae four tae two inch

En goes back fae two tae four

Ah huv never seen such plumbin

Onywher ah've lived afore

Ah mibbes shuid pull it aw oot

An pit it back as new

But ah huv loads ae orrer stuff

Thit ah shuid really do

June 12th: Not Very Nice People

See, everywan yased tae be broon at wan time

Mibbes racist's ur jealous an that's why they whine

The clues ur aw ther tae gie ye a hint

Supremacists jist want a skin wae a tint

We aw came fae sumwher a long time ago

Wher dis your faimly come fae? Ah'll bet ye don't know

It wis mibbes far East, mibbes further thin that

But thers wan hing fur sure, it wisnae here ya thick twat

So afore ye stert screamin fur thaim tae go hame

Jist hink wher ye came fae, try yasin yer brain

Animals ayweys migrated fae the dawn ae time

Even wans wae two legs, an hings worked oot jist fine

Ye dinnae huv tae hink hard whit yer shit stirrer wants

When ther tellin ye migrants steal your underpants

They ur only in it fur tae help thaimsels

You shuid be lockin aw thaim up in seven by four cells

June 13th: Windaes

The windae cleaner washed ma windaes

Wae his long brush oan a pole

An hour later they wir splattered

By a shitehawks rank ersehole

Ma tap windaes dinnae open

Well, they open a wee bit

But they dinnae open far enough

Tae wipe aff seagull shit

Thers nae point in gittin frustrated

Thit this splat wull huv tae stay

Oan the windae fur anorrer month

Cause it's too high up tae wash away

Ah'm sure they manky basarts follie the windae cleaner aboot!

June 14th: Fitba

It wis the same day we played Haiti

But naebdy goat up

Mony fowks stayed up aw night

Tae watch the Wurld Cup

This Sunday is silent

Even the burdies slept in

An it's no feckin rainin

So it must be a win

But thers people tae see

An thers places tae go

Mr Dug needs his toilet

An ah've baws tae throw

Gaun yersels boys, onwards..Heeeucht!

June 15th: Oven

Ah made wee pizza bases

Some roon an some squer

An stuck thaim in the oven

Ther still lyin in ther

Disnae metter whit yer cookin

Fae breid dough tae meat

If ye stick scran it in the oven

It wull need some heat

Noo this oven is tricky

Thers three switches ye see

An if ther no aw oan

Ye git raw fur yer tea

The moral ae this story is

Is watch whit yer daein

Turn oan aw the switches

That's aw ah um sayin

Cin ah huv two portions ae foodborne illness please?

June 16th: Dull

This is indeed a silent Tuesday

Ah canny hear a sound

Nae motors rumblin in the distance

Ur wurkies diggin up the ground

Ah know this is the holidays

An the weans ur aff the schuil

But it isnae the Fair Fortnight

That's in July ya fool

It mibbes is the clock thits stoapped

Whit time dis your phone say

It sais thit it's the back ae five

Yer up too early byrawey

Welcome tae the zone ae Perpetual Twilight, wher dawn is dusk, dusk is dawn an thers nae inatween.

At least it's no rainin..Yit!

June 17th: Stylus

Tae poke aboot oan ma auld tablets touchscreen

Ah like a wee pen wae a tip

But the wans thit ah goat wae the packet

Jist dinnae go oan, they don't fit

Well, ah ordert masel a full boax fae

Wae the sizes thits wrote oan the pack

An these wans jist wullny fit either

It's no worth me sendin thaim back

Next ah ordert a new pack ae screen pens

En the nibs sterted fawin tae bits

So noo ah huv twinty wan screen pens

An two thousan an forty five tips

It's a swindle..

June 18: Sunrise

It wis light it wis bright

So ah thought ah mibbes might

Step ootside furra bit ae fresh air

But the lull in the dull

Didnae last long enough tae pull

Oan ma troosers an shoes tae go oot

But that wis late last night

Early mornin if ye like

When the sun did come up wae the dawn

Though right noo at hauf eight

Ootside isnae luikin great

So ah'll pit oan ma raincoat in case

An as ah sing this song

Mr Dug sais ah've goat it wrong

Ye better pit yer wellies oan annaw

Never mind the dug lead

Ah ah'm a sheep dug breed

Jist mind an bring oot ma wee baw

An pit the big light oan tae, it's pitch black in here!

Well, ah cuid go oan squeezin mair ae this shite in tae the tune ae The Irish Rover, but ah'll no borrer.

June 19th: Breeze

The wind woke me at two

The Gas Bill woke me at four

Wan wis an email

The orrer, the front door

Notifications ye cin turn aff

The wind ye cin not

It's still blowin a hoolie

An it isnae that hoat

The storm doors ur noo bolted

The rains still stoatin doon

An this isnae the winter

Wir jist intae June

Thers nae point in greetin

It might turn oot fine

But ah'll git ma big jaiket

Mr Dug jist gied ah whine

Mon en Mr TD, wiv goat a wee breeze wae wir wet theday!

June 21st: Faithers Day Solstice

Happy Faithers Day, tae aw ae you Daddies oot ther

An by jings it's the solstice annaw

Big hugs tae ye aw oan this years longest day

An ah hope youse git the big yella baw

Wir star did git up rether early the day

It's no often ye see it oot here

An ah'm telt thit it's gaunny be warm the day

Ah'll mibbes need tae crack open a beer

Well, no right noo, it's a wee bitty early fur enjoyment, thers aw the mundane Faithers Day stuff tae dae furst, like make the feckin dinner.

June 22nd: Wee Sparra Song

Thers dark clouds aw roon aboot ma hoose

It's sticky an clammy an warm

An aw youse need tae know, is wher no tae go

Cause theday the wee midges wull swarm

Oh ay!

Ther oot up the coo parks in millions

Ah widnae stoat doon the glen, no fur quids

But whit ye shuid know, about wher no tae go

Is onywher roon aboot the wids..

Nae wey!

Ther ur trillions ae billions ae feckers

Aw stervin an hungry fur blood

So afore ye say hey, lits go hame that wey

Ye ur best gaun back hame through the mud

Trust me!

June 23rd: Pie

Apple pie an ice cream

Soundit awfy guid tae me

But the apples we hud wir eaters

An ther eaten noo ye see

Apple pie an ice cream

Still soundit awfy guid tae me

Ah'll go doon the shoap an git some mair

Cause we huvny goat a tree

Well, trees wiv goat aplenty

Jist no a Bramley ur a Smitten

Wiv goat a great big chestnut

That draps conkers, ther fur hittin

Doon the shoap ah'm browsin

Thiv no mony apples ther

So noo ah huv loast interest

Ma apple pies nae mair

Chicken pie an tatties

Sounds awfy guid tae me..

Well, ah've awready made the pastry.

Cont..

Chicken pie an tatties

Soundit awfy guid tae me

But ah hud sugar in the pastry

Wir no huvin that fur tea

It's noo chicken roll wae stuffin

An thers tatties chopped tae roast

The temperature is twinty two

No jist the tatties gaunny toast

So ayweys check the forecast

Dinnae turn the oven oan like me

Cause when the sun is shinin

Ice cream is nice fur tea

Whit aboot apple pie an ice cream en?

Right, ah've hud jist aboot enough ae you fur wan day heid.

June 24th: Weeds

Ah goat oot ma weed choppin hingy

It's a bent metal stick wae a blade

Cause ah need tae make wey doon the back lane

Aw they weeds huv tae go ah'm afraid

Last month ye cuid jist walk doon ther

But the nettles an brambles huv won

So ah'm choppin the noo, wey ma stick, as ye do

Ah dinnae want tae dae that in the sun

It is shady doon ther in wir back lane

Cause thers no mony yase it ye see

That's the wey Mr Dug goes oot walkies

An wher the dug goes he ayweys takes me

June 25th: Heat Sneeze

Ah woke up an ah sneezed

En ah sneezed, en ah sneezed

An when ah'd feenished sneezin

Ah sneezed an en ah sneezed

En ah sneezed, en ah sneezed

En ah sneezed anorrer bit

Is this some cin ae allergy

Ur jist a sneezin fit?

Ah yased up aw the hankies

But en ah sneezed again

A better grab a bog roll

Cause ah'm gaunny sneeze, but when?

It must be a heat sneeze, ma neanderthal sinuses urny yased tae this heat.

Jings, it's warm this mornin is it no? 

Achoo! 

Whers that feckin bog roll? The snotters ur blinin me!

June 26th: Internet

Aw the lights wir solid green

Not wan wis flashin red

But when ah turnt ma tablet oan

No Internet it said!

So ah did aw the unpluggin

An lit the gear cool doon

Ah'm hopin this wull dae the trick

An the internet is back oan soon

Aw the lights turnt oan tae solid green

Not wan wis flashin red

But when ah turnt ma tablet oan

No Internet it said!

Whit!

Well, it's either the heat, the providers gaun bust ur some serious shit is gaun doon in Westminster.

Ah'll toss a coin tae decide.

Later oan:

It's cloudy hoat an clammy

Thers no a breath ae err

So ah dinnae want tae go too far

Wee midgies ur oot ther

Ah wull stick oan long troosers

Tuck thaim intae ma long socks

An wer a long sleeved hoodie

Else end up wae midgie pox

So we git up tae the coo parks

An not embdy huv we met

Apert fae feckin midgies

An ah furgoat ma midgie net

Bugger! Whers that Antihistamine cream?

June 27th: Normality

The sky is dark

It's drab an dreich

The werrers back 

Tae total keich

The breeze is brisk

It's blowin a hoolie

Ma washins hingin

Up oan the pulley

The forecast sais

We wull git rain

Normality hus bin

Restored again

Heeeucht! 

Ah'll git ma big jaiket, eh?

June 30th: Veggies

It is wet, drab an dreich, which is normal

But ther wantin veggies fur tea

They didnae say whit, this helps not a bit

Ah'll jist fling stuff thegether an see

Well, the meat baws ur really breid stuffin

The tomaties they came oot a tin

The stock wis a cube, the puree wis a tube

It's aw natural ingredients cookin

The spaghetti came straight oot a packet

Though the onion wis real, it hud skin

So if yer like me, tasked wae veggies fur tea

Mind an fling the odd vegetable in!

Haw, here, that tastes awrite.