July Rhymes

July 2nd: Wellies

It's no exactly rainin

But it's no exactly no

Ye dinnae know yer gittin wet

Tae oot daunerin ye go

It's mair a cinna drizzle

A wet thit jist seeps in

Especially through ma wellies

Ther gaun in the bin

Ah dae huv orrer wellies

Ther unner twinty pound

This is ther weight an no the cost

Ther heavier thin they sound

These wans huv steely toecaps

An come fitted wae steel soles

Ther fine fur in the gairden

Ur diggin muckle holes

Ther no sae fine fur stoatin aboot up the parks in though.

July 3rd: Curtains

Two feet wurks oot at twinty four inches

Thers two feet at the base ae yer legs

A table hus four, thers nane oan a door

Ur the bampot thit hauds the beer dregs

But noo thit we measure in metric

Ye dinnae see much thits in inches an feet

But they gie me ther sizes in inches

En say thers a hunner mil pleat

It's best stickin tae wan unit ur orrer

En mibbes yer curtains wull fit

So when they gie ye the width size in inches

This cuid mibbes be oot jist a bit

An usually by a thoosan ur mair wee hingies!

July 7th: Doughbaws

The werrer is damp

It's no bin dry since

The last time ah made

A big pot ae mince

Noo that wis a while back

So it seems tae me

Theday is a guid day

Tae huv mince fur tea

See mince is a staple

Ye jist canny whack it

But whit aboot dough baws?

They raise it a bracket

Bugger! Ah knew ther wis sumhin missin.

Huv ye mashed the tatties?

Bugger! Ah knew ther wis sumhin missin.

Whit wir ye plannin oan huvin, mince wae mince?

Awrite, whers ma tattie scraper?

July 8th: Parcel

Ah'm waitin fur a parcel

Thit ah'm telt is in the post

But ah ordered it two weeks ago

Ah hink it's mibbes loast

They say ah've no tae worry

It wis sent oot second class

Fae the second it wis postit

It husny moved an inch ya bass

We yased tae huv a postal service

Some said thit it wis great

But en Westminster selt it aff

Tae some crooked MP's mate

The only hing ye git oan a post boax noo is a crochet lid, whits that aw aboot?

July 9th: Fly

Ther a fly flew in the windae

It's a big wan, it's no wee

Ah dunno whit it's efter

But it's landit next tae me

Ah huvny seen a big fly

Fur ages in the hoose

En the cat jumped up ate it

An it luiked nuhin like a moose

So ther a warnin tae wee beasties

Maistly flies an bugs an bees

The cat in here wull eat ye

Yer better stayin oot in the trees

Weel seen your feelin better MrsThe Cat, yummy yummy!

July 10th: Rockets

The UFO's flew aw oor America

They made nae sound an they never hud wings

An politicians said "Ther ur yer aliens"

The people said "Ther satellites by jings"

En a big wan jist hovered fur ages

An the people said "Oooft, feckin ell!"

That's no a cartoon ur a werrer balloon

It's a drone made fae light aerogel

But politicians said "Ther ur yer aliens

Youse cin see aw ther spaceships fur miles"

An the people hud only wan question

Whaes hidin aw they Epstein Files?

July 11th: Internet

Wir internet is aff again

Why is it aff theday?

The werrer, wars ur government

It's really hard tae say

Ah hink ah've goat it oan again

Unplugged it, en reset

How long wull we huv the green light?

That wan is wurth a bet

Wiv goat visitors fae the mainland

An this is whit they dinnae get

Every time thit they come oor here

We huv nae internet!

Ah cuidny care less wan wey ur the orrer, ah've goat an extensive playlist, dae ye want tae hear it?

"No"

Tough..

July 12th: Anniversary

They goat me a wee model bike

It's fur wir Anniversaree

Ah huvny time tae make it noo

Cause ah'm makin hings fur tea

It hus a metal framewurk

It hus pedals an a chain

Thers toaty nuts an toaty bolts

They cuid dae in ma brain

The wheels come pre-assembled

Wae rubber tyres so it feels

Noo if they'd goat a bigger wan

Ah cuid be servin meals oan wheels

Thank you very much, that's jist whit ah've always wanted.

Same day:

Ah leave youse noo

Tae burn wir tea

An hope thit the sun

Dis not burn me

Ah've lit the coals

Ah've goat oil spray

Ah've nuhin else

Ah want tae say

Apert fae wher

Ma fit is gaun

Right up yer erse

That's right wher san

Noo stay oot the feckin road, burnin the tea is an art form thit requires skill an sobriety.

An currently, yersel is sufferin fae neither ae these traits bawheid.

July 16th: Signal

Thers nae signal oan the telly

But naebdy watches that

It's jist lights in the background

Fur oor auld Mrs Cat

Whit aboot the internet?

That's flickerin away

Ah dinnae hink that wull be oan

Fur long oor here theday

This is probably the werrer

It's no often we git heat

An if yer desperate tae watch sumhin

Thers ay a summer seat

Thers boats oot oan the watter

Thers fowk oot in canoes

An if ye stroll alang the beach

Guaranteed ye wull fun shoes

Dis naebdy ever notice ther shoes ur missin? Weird mon.

July 17th: Internet

Nae internet, nae internet

Nae internet again!

Wherrer heat ur weekend sodgers

This really is a pain

It's bin unplugged an left tae cool

The buttons bin reset

Thers a hammer in ma toolboax

That routers unner threat

It's oan, it's aff, it's aff an oan

It's oan noo, naw it's aff

Whae ever is feckin aboot

Is huvin a giraffe

Try gittin oanline shoappin

Wae nae internet again

It's mair noo thin jist nippy

It's daein in ma brain

I wull tell you this, ah wull be chappin oan the door doon at that exchange very shortly boy.

Consider yersels warnt!

July 18th: Gress

Ah'm oot in the gairden

An cuttin the gress

En the lawnmower breks doon

Whit a pain in the ess

Thers mair jungle thin jungle

So ah need a quick fix

Why borrer wae lawnmowers

Yiv goat gress cuttin sticks

Well ah've skelped bits an scalped bits

An ah've noo goat a path

Ah'm gaun back inside noo

Furra nice ice cauld bath

Wiv no goat a bath, but shower didnae rhyme.

July 19th: Soup

Ther ur clouds in the sky

An ther maistly aw grey

An they ur defo headin

In this cinna wey

It's no really cauld

But it isnae as hot

Ah hink ah'll make soup

In the electric pot

We huvny hud soup

Fur oor a week

An if ye dinnae eat soup

Yer gaunny git seek

Wiv been livn oan salads

An pieces wae cheese

But we huvny hud biled

Barley, lentils ur peas

So ah banged in the pulses

An stuck veggies in tae

But whit aboot stock cubes?

Ther a must byrawey

Noo the big pot ae soups oan

Aw they clouds huv blew by

An this dis make ye wonner

Whit ye daein, an jist why?

July 20th: The Inglis PM

Inglan held a big election

Tae choose ther new Pee M

But naebdy really liked him

So the corporates chose BurnEm

An election shuid be general

But the Greens cuid mibbes win

An the think tanks widnae like that

This wid be a corporate sin

Well, If ye think thit yer elections

Ur guid an make ye free

Yer leaders huv bin chosen

Ther whae a think tank sais thull be

July 21st: Hill

The fruit shoap hus nae carrots

An we need carrots fur the tea

Ah dinnae git these oot the store

Cause thers ur aw foustie

Ah mibbes git a tumshie

The flavours much the same

An ah goat some nice new tatties

But ah'll huv tae humph these hame

Ah goat a big four pints ae milk

An picked up flooer tae

An noo ah'm sterrin up the hill

It's luikin a long way

Bugger!

It gits steeper every feckin day that hill.

July 23rd: Nuhin

Never mind thit thers nae carrots

An ah want tae make this clear

The only hing the store noo stocks

Is tins ae ale an lager beer

They say ther is nae shortage

But ah score aff ma shoppin list

An the only hing thit ah cin git

Is slimy ham an rat ersed pished

They huvny nae tomaties

An they huvny ony yeast

Ah did git a wee tumshie

That's a vegetable at least

Dinnae mention climate chainge

An dinnae mention Brexit youse

The reason thers a shortage, is

It's aw stuck oot in Hormuz

Bullshit!

Ah dinnae want that Tory breid

Ah dinnae want nae Inglis pan

Ah huv goat oan ma soordough

But that takes ages man

Ah dinnae want a ready meal

Ur processed muck upon ma plate

Whit ah want is fresh veggies

An an apple ur a grape

Ye canny blame the store staff

They take whit they cin git

An next month they wull be gittin

Plastic Halloween type shit

Super!

July 24th: Mair Midges

It's eighteen degrees

Overcast wae nae breeze

So ye know whit this means

Ay, trilions ae midgees

We ur no gaun up ther

Mr Dug gies a ster

So he takes the lead

An sais ah know jist wher

Haw wir no gaun that wey

Dinnae care whit ye say

It wull be wurser oot ther

Wae the beasties theday

But never sae awkward huv ever ah met

He hus tae lead an he is the pet

So ah'm hinkin noo, whit did ah furget?

Guaranteed, ah furgoat ma fine midgie net

Bugger! 

Ye jist hud tae come up here theday Mr TD, dint ye, eh?..Ay

July 25th: Socks

Ah fired oan the washin

An ma socks ah furgoat

They huvny bin soakin

As it's no rained a lot

So ah stuck thaim in a bucket

Tae wash thaim by haun

But when a luiked in ther

Ma socks wir aw gaun

Well, a person no mentioned

Wae a want ur a lack

Hud emptied the pail

Doon the drain oot the back

Thank goodness fur drain grills!

July 26th: Cupboard

Ah'm no gaun oot this mornin

The rain is stoatin doon

Wir tea is in the cupboard

Ah umny gaun doon the toon

So the soup is maistly lentil

The burgers ur chickpeas

Noo whit else is in the cupboard

We cin huv alang wae these?

Ah've made wee rolls fur burger buns

Cabbage salad an hoat sauce

Big chips fur the err fryer

That's plenty mehinks boss

Noo ah'm luikin oot the windae

An this rain cuid weel go aff

Ah'm still no gaun doon tae the shoaps

Yer huvin a giraffe

Thers plenty milk.

July 27th : Kettle

Ah wis fillin up the kettle

An it caught oan the sink tap

Ah huvny goat the foggiest

Jist how ah managed that

Thers watter skooshin everywher

The tap levers oan full vim

Ah hink ah see the problem

Yiv snagged the metal rim

So ah unscrewed the wee tap filter

An the kettle did release

Ah dinnae want tea onymair

Ah need a minutes peace

"Do you have to take everything to bits?" Say they

Ah'm away oot afore the rain goes aff, ah'm wet noo onywey!

July 28th: Drizzle

The rain isnae heavy, but thers mair thin a fizzle

The rain isnae light, an it's no jist quite drizzle

Oor rain is a cloud thits stuck up in the sky

Cause ther isnae a breeze tae blow it oan by

Yit thers hope fur this day, it's a glimmer ae light

Alang the horizon is a fer streak ae bright

So wull we git sunshine? Ah really don't know

Though it's highly unlikely thit we wull git snaw

Whit dis the forecast huv tae say? Oh, rain fur the rest ae yer life!

That wull make a wee chainge en!

It's tae drip doon aw day, an ramorra annaw

Accordin tae the forecast thit ah huv jist saw

But the gress insnae yella, it's turnt back tae green

Cause it husny hud watter, furra while it wid seem

It is nice fur tae see thit the rain hus come back

We ur lucky wae watter, this is sumhin we don't lack

But it's nice tae huv sunshine, jist fur the odd day

As it pishes doon here aw the time byrawey

Mr Dug is real happy, noo thers plenty ae muck

An he's fun a saft coo pat, whit a stroke ae luck

Still, hames a fer distance, thers a wee bit tae go

An yer gaun in the loch pal, ye need a wash dae ye no?

July 29th: Telly

Wir telly signals intermittent

Sumtimes thers telly, sumtimes ther isn't

Ah cuid not gie wan singel jot

If the tellies oan, ur it is not

En ah bumped intae a smilin fellie

Whae tells me we huv cooncil telly

When ah goat hame ah turnt it oan

Oh! An antique show an sumbdys won

They ur still showin aw the same

So ah jist turnt it aff again

This is health an safety if ye like

In case the telly, you shuid strike

Ther ye huv it, July 2026 in cinna rhymes.

Cinna rhymes sumtimes rhyme, en again, sumtimes they dinnae!