July In Summer

July 1st: Sock

"Is this your sock?" Say they tae I

"Ah dunno, dae ye want me tae git it DNA tested?"

"It was lying on the bathroom floor" Reply they 

"Well pit it oan the table an ah'll huv a wurd wae it."

"I was only asking before I threw it in the machine" Say thaim "I know how fussy you are about your socks going in the wash"

"Ay, but no ony auld socks, jist ma woolly seaboot socks, cause they shrink in the machine."

"So can this one go in the machine then?" Ask they

"Naw, ah'm werrin the orrer wan!"

June 2nd: Cabbage

Ah sais tae the mucker doon the store "Cabbages, huv youse goat ony?"

So he points his finger an sais "Whit, like they wans ther?"

"Is that whit they ur? Ah thought they wir Brussel Sprouts.

Naw, no like they wans, ah'm luikin fur a cabbage thit mibbes two cin git a bite oot ae."

"Why no take two en?" Replies himsel

"Cause ther mibbes be three ae us fur tea the night."

"Well, in that case, sumbdys no gittin cabbage en" Says he

July 3rd: Meeow!

Furst hing this mornin Mrs The Cat sais "Meow meow meow, check oot my claw, but you aint touchin it fuckwit"

"Jings! Whit huv ye done tae that MrsTC?  

Yiv bin danglin fae the curtains again nae doobt, ah'm afraid it's the nice Mrs Vet fur you."

Noo we huv tae be real subtle here aboot gittin the cat cerry boax oot, she knows wher she's gaun when she sees that.

Ah know ah'll cover it wae a blanket an thull never know whit it is tae ther in it.

 

So ah gits the boax oot covert in a blanket an Mrs The Cat sais "Dae ye hink ah'm stoopit dull boy? Thers nae meowin wey ah wull be gittin intae that hing"

En they bolt in a hoppin limpin but rether swift cinna manner.

"Wiv no goat time fur this you, yer appointments fur 10:00 o'clock"

"Tough ah'm stayin right here unner the bed" Meow they

But hey, it's amazin whit ye cin dae wae a couple ae feathers an a bit string.

Whaes the stoopit wan noo en Mrs TC?

So it's big long meeeeow, meeoows noo!

Some time later:

Noo that wisnae sae bad Mrs TC, nice Mrs The Vet hus trimmed aw yer claws an sorted the wan ye nearly ripped oot, yiv hud antibiotics an yiv goat painkillers.

"Yer nuhin but a big fucem basart grunt" Replies Mrs TC, but in cat lingo, this wis accompanied by a long ster thit wid huv turnt Medusa tae stane.

Wher dae you pick up that language fae ya ungrateful wee basart?

Dae ye want some Dreamies fuckface?

July 4th: Diary

"Why do you keep a diary Granda?" Enquires the Jnr

"Well, see when ah wisnae weel, the doctor telt me tae keep a journal an write everyhin doon in it, so ah did."

"But what you write down is just a lot of utter nonsense" Sais he

"Ay, that's whit the doctor said annaw!"

July 5th: Wet

Whit windae will we luik through this mornin?"

It disnae metter, it's pishin doon ootside thaim aw.

"Whit coat ur ye gaunny pit oan theday?"

Ah wid hink a waterproof wan.

"Fer doos, whit aboot fitwer en, wellies ur high leg bits?"

Disnae metter, ma wellies ur leakin.

"Us that us sorted en, huv ye furgoat onyhin?"

Ay, thers a piss poor show ae rhubarb this year.

Mon en Mr The Dug, lits git oot ther an git wet san.

July 6th: White Puddin

Ah woke up in the middle ae the night an ma heid said "Why no make white puddins ramorra? Yiv no made thaim fur ages"

An in the middle ae the night white puddin soundit totally scrumptious.

"That's jist whit ah'm gaunny make" Said ma heid tae I

So ah went back tae sleep an dreamt ae white puddins.

Noo thit ah'm up ah've taken a pure scunner tae white puddin, ah must huv guzzled too mony in ma sleep!

Huv ye ony mair shite ye wid like tae impart?

Naw, no right noo

July 7th: Pain

So ah sais tae the mucker doon the store "Whit ur these French Mini Pains here, dae they hurt a wee bit when ye eat thaim?"

"Pit yer glesses oan" Sais he 

"Ah dinnae need ma glesses oan, the writins big enough tae read, an it sais French Mini Pains oan the packet".

"Yer right enough" Replies himsel "Ah hink it's French fur breid?"

"It disnae translate very weel en, dis it?

Noo here an idea, ah cuid git a jar ae Malaysian peanut butter an huv a Jobbie pain!"

July 8th: Fire

Here ma top tip fur the day:

See they sparky flint stick hings thit campers yase tae light fires wae?

Well, dinnae fuck aboot wae they hings if yer werrin a nylon lined fleece cinna jaiket.

Cause wan ur mair ae they sparks cuid mibbes shoot right doon yer sleeve an set ye aff like a firework.

Jist gaunny trust me oan this wan.

"Wis that a second ur third degree burn ther, an did ye git that melted bit ae jaiket linin aff ma elbow?"

June 9th: Teabags

Ah woke up tae the sound ae shitehawks squawkin an ma heid singin sea shanties, it wis chantin:

Yer left hauns gaun numb, last three fingers no the thumb

Yer left hauns gaun numb, last three fingers no the thumb

An know whit?

So it hud, ah must huv bin lyin oan it aw night.

And? Whits that goat tae dae wae yer cuppa tea?

Oh, ay, the tea bags.

Ther no ma usual Scottish Blend tea bags, sumbdys stuck Earl Grey ur Inglis sumhins in ma teabag tin.

Ah'm no huvin this, Public Enquiry called fur.

July 10th: Meatless Meatbaws

Further tae ma experimentations wae meatless meatbaws:

Ma breid crumbs wae oats, onion, soya sauce an gravy mixture, rolled intae wee toaty baws, en fried til crispy, won hauns doon oor the breid crumbs wae oats, onion, soya sauce an chicken stock mixture, rolled intae bigger baws, en baked tae crispy.

But naebdy noticed ony ae this manufacturin process, did they? Naw
They wir too busy sleverin oan aboot how the tomaty sauce cuid huv done wae a wee bitty feckin basil 

Onywey, never mind the bogus meatbaws, they wir awrite appose.

But how guid is ice cream wae crumbled digestive biscuits an raspberry sauce..Woohoo!

The sun even came oot...Cue music.

July 11th: Post

Ther the postie, whits this thiv stuck through the letterboax?

Jings! It's a flyer fur an art show.

Ah better fling that straight in the bucket afore we end up wae a five grand paintin ae a cat oan the waw.

Whits this orrer wan? We buy onyhin.

Ah've goat auld socks wae holes in thaim, wid ye buy thaim? Dinnae hink sae..Bucket.

Whers ma overdue letters an parcel, dae we no git ony actual post noo?

Ah'm gaunny write tae the Electricity Board aboot this, at least ye git a reply fae ther chatbot!

July 12th: Waverly 

Ther the Waverley in, an ah've no goat a camera wae me.

It disnae metter, ah've goat hunners ae photies ae that boat even although it disnae come oor as often as it yased tae these days.

But whaes this gittin affy it?  An ther headin straight in ma direction.

Thull be wantin directions nae doobt.

Wrang again..

"How ur ye daein" Say they tae I "Long time no see" Say they

"Ah'm fine, how ur youse? Bla bla bla, nice day etc." Reply I

Ah've nae idea whae that wis!

July 13th: Wildlife

Ther this boy clad in nuhin mair thin a per ae trainers an Booby Moore's 1966 fitba shorts, joggin up taewards the parks at the crack ae dawn this mornin.

So he stoaps tae ask if he wis gaun the right wey.

Well ah sais "Ay, yer gaun the right wey, but shoorlies yer no gaun up ther dressed like that ur ye, huv ye no goat ony orrer claithes wae ye?"

"Whit fur? It's a nice mornin" Replies yer man

"Predation" Sais I "Ye'll git eaten alive oot ther san!"

Ah dunno, mibbes he's a sadist?

July 14th: Hoat

Ohtaeferk! It's gaunny git up tae 23 degrees theday oor here an 24 ramorra!

This caes fur Pieces A La Cucumber fur the tea, mibbes even Pieces A La Cucumber an Tomaty, ur mibbes even Pieces A La Cucumber an Tomaty wae Cheese.

Pit it this wey, ah'm cookin A La Feck All.

"You could make some of your nice bread then" Say they

Ah dunno whit pert ae Feck All they didnae unnerstaun ther?

July 15th: Glesses

"You cannot possibly see through those glasses" Sais the blur tae I

"Whit glesses?"

"The ones you are wearing" Replies the shape

"Oh! These wans, ah wonnered where they hud goat tae, an yer right, ah canny see through the hings, ah thought ther wis fog in here."

"What have you done to these?" Ask thaim as they attempt tae clean the hings "They look like they have been in a chip pan"

"Wiv no goat a chip pan, but thers a bucket wae a greasy bike chain steepin in oil doonsters in the cellar!"

July 15th: International Rescue

It's International Rescue time ae year again, an sure enough Thunderburds Ur Go this mornin, ther this wee dug oot the back barkin away tae itsel.

So the usual protocol fur such instances is tae phone the store an git thaim tae make an announcement, but this wee fella hus a mobile phone nummer oan his collar tag.

Ah'll gie it a bash..Ring ring.."Ur ye missin a wee dug?"

An this voice fae the orrer side ae the hedge in the overgrown widland shouts .."Ay, how dae ah git oot ae here?"

"No that wey ah'm afraid."

Luiks like Thunderburd Wan wull be required efter aw!

"Right, so whit tae dae is keep calm an stay oan the phone, thers a collie dug oan his wey tae git ye.

Follie him oot ae ther, he knows his wey through they dense shrubs an brambles.

En masel an your wee dug wull meet ye oan whit yased tae be the path up this lane, fae ther wull guid ye back tae civilisation."

Lits go nummer wan.

Cue theme tune: Thunderbirds Are Go

July 16th: 1966

Guid mornin, it's gaunny be hoat again, whit wis that?

Ah never mentioned 1966.

Naw, wiv goat milk, whit wis that?

Like ah said, ah never mentioned 1966.

Ah'm jist away oot fur a wee dauner afore it heats up, an ay, ah know, dinnae mention 1966.

Dinnae worry, it widnae cross ma mind tae mention 1966, whit wid a want tae mention 1966 fur?

Hauf an hour later:

Aw ah said wis thit it's gaunny be hoat theday, whae mentioned 1966?

Aw, right, ah see, the telly did, but they huv bin mentionin 1966 at least twice a day, every day, fur sixty feckin year.

So whit ur they sayin tae it this mornin en? ...'The Cruelest Defeat Since 1966'

Whit a shower ae sad basarts....Heeeeeucht! 

July 17th: Breid

Dinnae talk tae me aboot yeast.

Furst it came in wee tins, en it wis 8 wee sachets, en it went doon tae 6 wee sachets.

Noo 2 wee sachets ur priced up as a feckin luxury product.

So ah didnae borrer gittin it, cause ah've goat a jar ae soordough sterter in the fridge.

Ur so a thought, whae threw that oot?

Well, that wull be me away tae dae ma second lap ae the toon this mornin, a luxury product is required.

Dinnae talk tae me aboot breid.

Ah mibbes swer!

July 18th: Watter

Whits this? Thiv goat  'Watter The Plants' twice oan ma hings tae dae list.

Ah wattered the plants yesterday.

Aw, right, ah see, ah never ticked that wan aff, this cuid weel confuse sumbdy this disnae watter hoose plants.

Aw, right, ah see, ah see, they dinnae watter the plants cause they never know whit ah pit in the watterin can.

Try watter mibbes, no hink?

"This is no even logical deduction Watson, the very name gies ye a clue.

Whit wis that ye said ther?.. Ah'm gaunny luik that up"....

Huh, that means 'A reproductive mistake' 

Whit dae ye mean naw it disnae? Ah jist luiked it up.

Aw, right, it means 'Feckin idiot' in your dictonary dis it?

You jist make yer ain wurds up, dint ye?

Gies a deek at yer dictionary.

"How dae ye spell 'inherent' an is 'misconception' jist how it sounds?"

July 19th: A Reasonably Silent Sunday

They clouds ur weird, they luik like thiv bin painted oan the sky wae a brush.

Ahh, but wiv peace an quiet this mornin, thers jist the usual relentless squawkin fae the shitehawks, that's whit peace an quiet sounds like though, it's quite wonderful.

Well, know whit ah'm daein theday?

Nuhin, that's whit ah'm daein theday.

Dum de dum de dum..Ay..

Dum de dum de doo..Ay..

Ah hink ah'll make samosas.

July 20th: UFO

Ther ah'm sittin oot the back when Mr The Dug lits oot a whimper, an sure enough ther wan ae wir new bambi's, brave as ye like, munchin away oan the Dandelions, no gien an actual.

Well, ah hud ma tablet wae me, so ah turnt oan the zoom tae git a picture, an ther the wee hing sterrin right back at me oan full screen, real creepy like.

But as soon as ah clicked the photie button, the fecker vanished quicker thin wan ae Dumbericas UFO's.

They beasties know!

Ah goat a crackin photie ae a blur though!

July 21st: Wasps

You smell like a wasps nest" Sais the Jnr tae I

"Dae ah? An whit dis a wa'sps nest smell like? Ah widnae know, ah've never borrered gittin close enough tae wan tae sniff it."

"It's a kind of cross between pine cones and nettles" Reply they

"Ur ye sure yiv jist no picked up a pine cone thits bin lyin in nettles?"

"No, I found an old one in the woods" Wis ther answer

"Wid it mibbes huv bin lyin in pine needles an nettles en? 

Onywey, that's disinfectant yer smellin strange boy."

Next question -

"You are scared of wasps aren't you?" Say they

"Ay, you better believe ah um, the wee basarts make me sweat."

"Are you scared of lions?" Wis ther next question

"Naw."

"Why not?" Ask they

"Cause ah've never bin stung by a lion.

Onyhin else?

July 22nd: Herr Clippers

Will you look online for decent hair clppers?" Say they tae I  "The wean wants new clppers for their birthday and you know what to get"

"Ay, nae borrer chookiebundle, this I shall dae, right away."

This shuid be a doddle

Types in herr clippers - Naw, ther aw useless cordless shit

Types in electric herr clippers- Electric cheese graters..Whit?

Naw browser, corded herr clippers - Result , food blenders

Ah dinae hink yiv grasped the search question here, ur mibbes ye huv an ur jist tryin tae entice me intae buyin a useless kitchen appliance

So ah thought a wid huv a wee rap aboot totally useless kitchen appliances thit totally naebdy needs.

Ah need tae git masel an electric.. Cheese grater

It wull make ma life such a lot..Much better

When ye git yersel wan ur mair.. Ae these

Ye wullny need tae push when ye grate..Yer cheese

It's great no tae grate mon

It's great no tae grate mon

Ah need tae git masel an electric..Carrot slicer

It hus an app an it chops..Much nicer

Well, ye cin see wher ah'm gaun here eh?

July 25th: My-O-My

The sky wis dark, the wind blew low

The wind blew high

The rain fell low, the rain fell high

Oh dear an My-O-My

Noo tell me bawheid

How dis it feel

Tae be back intae the reality real?

Oh dear an My-O-My

Whit ur we huvin fur the tea en?

It's luikin awfy like Big Eyed Beans Fae Venus right noo, cause ah'm no gaun oot in that!

July 26th: Rumbledethumps

Haw, that smells guid, whit ur ye makin? 

Rumbledethumps! Is that no jist tattie hash wae cheese?

Aw, right, ah see, it disnae huv tae huv cheese in it.

So cin we huv it wae beans theday en? Ah furgoat tae stick the beans in ma tattie hash when ah made it oan Thursday.

Naw, cause it's gaun in the oven wae yer steak pie.

Ya beauty..Heeeeucht!

It's lucky we dinnae huv bagpipes chookiebundle!

Well, ther ye huv it, a Scottish summer aw in wan month

Links:

The Herbs:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYscuJROJrE

Thunderbirds: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huPB3T0v_uQ

Upon the My-O-My: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dq6fCOGyVJg

The Gravel Walk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eluh89-aDp4