May

May 1st: Tradition

Jings, it's the furst ae May awready!

Ye know whit this means, eh?

Ay, ye cin huv yer traditional yearly bath theday if ye want, but ah wid advise thit youse dae the traditional jumpin oor yer Beltane bonfire bit furst, cause ye git fer maukit loupin oor they burnin embers.

An dinnae furget tae send in yer traditional monthly leccy meter readin annaw, how cuid ye furget that.

Ya dancer, this is fur defo a traditional delicacy day, pottit hough an thers burnt rolls annaw.

If ye dinnae know whit pottit hough is, it's beef shin biled fur hours til thers nuhin left but a paste ye cin spread oan a piece.

It's fabulous scran, oor buthcher fires hunners ae pepper intae thers tae gie the stuff a wee nip.

If yiv no tried it en yiv nae idea whit yer missin, an it's doubly trebbly even better slapped oan burnt rolls. Heeeeucht!

May 2nd: Blues

Baa baba ba buh

This wid be sumhin like  A D C A if ye played chords, but ah dinnae borrer wae thaim.

Baa baba ba buh ..Ah woke up this mornin.

Baa baba ba buh..This is sumhin ah do.

Baa baba ba buh..Ah woke up this mornin.

Baa baba ba buh..Cause ah needed the loo

Baa baba ba ba..Baa baba ba ba.. Baa baba ba ba..Baa baba ba ba.. Dum dee dum doo..

Baa baba ba buh..

"There is something wrong with you" Sais the Senior Partner

Haw, that wid fit in..Baa baba ba buh..Thers sumhin wrang wae you..

An guid mornin tae you tae..Baa baba ba buh..

May 3rd: Coo

So the mucker sais tae I "Dae ye want tae see ma coo?"

"You huv a coo?"

"Ay" Sais he  "It's oot the back gairden, mon ah'll show ye"

'Ah huv tae see this'..Thought I tae I

"Oh! It's a big wire coo?"

"Ay, ah made it, whit dae ye hink? Ah'm gauny fill it wae plants so when they grow through the wire it wull luik like a heilan coo" 

Know whit?  Ye canny say thit it disnae aw happen oor here.

Ah'm away doon the street fur milk.

May the Fourth: Holiday

"Booboo, Nanoo Nanoo, May the fourth be with you on this holiday young Skywalker" Sais I tae the senior partner this mornin.

"Is this is May 4th?" Reply they "Is it not a holiday today?"

Tremendous Terrance, that's no the right answer chookiebundle, yer meant tae reply "And with you also Obi-Wan Kenobi"

"Why?" Ask they "And who is Tremendous Terrance?"

"Ah've no goat a lifetime tae explain, wull jist take this as read eh?"

"So is it a holiday today?" Ask they

Ah gie up..

Well, tae answer yer question ther chookiebundle, ah wull quote fae Wikipedia:

In the 1988 episode of Count Duckula, "The Vampire Strikes Back", a space-faring superhero, Tremendous Terrance, asks Duckula the date and is told, "May the Fourth". As Terrance departs, he tells all below, "May the Fourth be with you."

"You do haver some total mince" Replies the higher authority

Dis that statement mean thit yer wantin mince fur the tea thenight en?

May 5th: Noteboard

Ah'm fer gittin through thedays list oan the sticky noteboard.

Bog cleaned √

Flairs mopped √

Washin oan √

Ah hink ah'll huv a bit ae toast noo.

Why no huv beans oan toast?

Aha, anorrer eureka moment ther.

Opens cupboard, why is ther sae mony tins ae tomaties in here?

You cuid huv tomaties oan toast?

Haw here, yer oan the baw theday san.

Aw, right, that's why thers sae mony tins ae tomaties in here, ther aw tins ae chopped tomaties wae herbs an ther gash oan toast, ther only ony guid fur spaghetti Italiano.

Whit aboot..mmmm?

Whit aboot jist toast?

An while yer at it, write a sticky note thit reads: Dinnae buy ony mair tins ae chopped tomaties wae herbs til at least next year! 

May 6th: Mair Lists

So ma heid sais tae I : Listen you, huv ye seen that list hingin up ther? 

Ay, the wan wae totally hunners ae hings oan it thit you ur apposed tae be daein.

Well, yer no gaunny git aw that done sittin here swallyin tea an typin pish.

So ah sais tae ma heid in reply :  Ay, ah huv seen it, an know whit? Yer right, ah'm no gaunny git it aw that done.

See, this is whit freedom ae choice is aw aboot, an ah huv chosen tae dae feck all theday.

Right, whers ma screwdriver, an whit dae they dae tae that puir hoover?

May 7th: Plan

Right, so whits the plan fur theday? 

Jist gaunny run this by me again, cause yiv totally loast me sumwher alang the line.

It's as simple as masel is it?

8:00 tae 12:00 you wull be ther an ah wull be here.

12:00 tae 2:00 you wull be here an ah wull be ther.

2:00 tae 5:00 we wull baith be ther tae ah'm no ther.

Ah see, so whers here an whers ther again?

Right!

Whit if ah jist went ther en?

Dinnae swer noo, ah dinnae caw you names like that.

Well, no ootloud onywey!

May 8th: Crisps

Say they tae I "I got you this tube of Pringles crisps, they were on offer"

Did ye? Thank you very much..But this tube is only hauf fill.

So whit yer sayin is, ye bought a tube ae really expensive rank crisps thit ur actually totally rank, an yer wantin me tae eat thaim jist so as you wullny feel guilty when ah throw thaim in the bucket, huv ah goat this right?

"Yes" Say they "But you will eat anything.

Haw, ah dinnae eat quite onyhin chookiebundle, jist throw thaim in the feckin bucket eh?

May 10th: Ravin

Ah wis practisin ma horizontal dance moves in bed last night an ah must huv fell asleep wae the music player oan.

That trance playlist goes oan fur oor six hours tae.

Know whit? Ah hink ma days ae ravin aw night ur oor.

Ah'm feckin knackered this mornin.

May 11th: Windaes

Feel free tae sing alang tae the tune eh : The Gas Man Cometh

It wis oan the Monday mornin the windae cleaner came tae call

He washed aw ae ma windaes wae his brush oan a long pole

But ah luiked oot ae the back wan an noticed sumhin wisnae right

He hud missed the stubborn splatter formed by hardened seagull shite!

Bugger, that's the windae thit disnae open in the wey tae!

May 12th:  New Tablet

So ah sais tae the computerised wean "Whits the best tablet tae git fur yer Ma? "

An as usual they canny jist say 'Git wan ae these'

Naw, that wid be too easy, they huv tae tell ye thit yer luikin fur sumhin thit hus plenty ae gobbledygooks, mega flobadobadobs an wis reared oan protozoic eukaryotes.

An ye dinnae want a generic tablet either.

Dae ah no? 

Naw, ah dinnae want wan ae thaim!

So whit ah'm ah luikin fur again?

May 13th: Beans

Ah'm no sayin thit the tins ae beans ye git in this day an age ur feckin rank.

Aw ah'm sayin is thit the beans ye git in tins noo, need a bit sumhin, cause ther feckin rank.

Ah huv tried various additions in ma attempts tae brighten up ma life, but whit ah fun seems tae wurk really well is: 

A wee splash ae Buffalo Sauce

A guid squirt ae tomatie puree

An a dollop ae Golden syrup

Ye jist fling those ingredients in while yer fryin yer beans in butter.

An if yer beans ur still rank efter yiv reduced thaim doon tae a thick paste in the frying pan, jist chuck in mair Buffalo Sauce, ye'll no taste onyhin en!

May 14th: Jars

The seals huv past ther seal by date oan aboot hauf a dozen ae the senior partners masons jars.

Not a problem El Senior, ah cin fix this..

So ah goat new wans, took the jars apert, washed thaim, gied the hings a wee microwave tae sterilise thaim, fitted the new gaskets, en ah went tae pit thaim back thegether.

Whit is this, some cinna feckin idiot test?

The metal clips only wurk wan wey, so how did ah manage tae fit thaim back oan five different weys thit dinnae wurk?

May 15th: Ponderin

See usually, ah jist rinse oot the milk boattles, squash thaim up, stick the lids back oan thaim en fire thaim in the recycle bin.

But this wis a different milk boattle, it wis white fur a stert, an it hud a big sticker oan it thit read 'This product is 33% recyclable'

Well this goat me ponderin an a jist cuidny settle.

Whit 33% ae this hing is recyclable?

The lid an the label widnae even make up 10% 

An the rest ae the hing is a feckin plastic milk boattle.

Thers nae milk left inside it, that's awready bin recycled.

So how dae they git tae 33%?

Show yer wurkins please.

May 16th: Scrubbin

Wir visitors yesterday wir efter rolls oan sausage, so ah thought thit jist fur speed an ease ah wid fire the butchers squer slicin right intae the oven, cause ther wis a lot ae it.

See whit thought did eh.

Ah've bin scrubbin the hing fae 7:00 o'clock this mornin an ah've still no goat aw the grease splatters affy the inside it.

Fur mair tips oan how tae fuck an oven simply click oan the link: @burnyerteawaeme.com

May 17th: Guid Mornin

Well, unless ma clock wis wrang, it wis 3:36 oan the dot this mornin they noisy basart shitehawks sterted.

Whit ur they daein fleein aboot aw oor the shoap at 3:36 in the mornin?

Mon burdies, yer jist huvin a feckin giraffe noo, it's still dark at that time.

How cin youse possibly see wher yer gaun?

Onywey, noo thit the hale toon is up, thers no wan ae thaim tae be seen nor heard onywher.

Dae ye hink they know whit ther daein an ther jist bein pure wide?

But this is the hing, the wans thit stay here aw year roon dinnae make that racket, it's jist the wans thit come oor tae nest thit seem tae feel the need tae lit every cant an ther Grannies dug know thit ther here, in the middle ae the night!

May 18th: Reek

Ah love the smell ae burgers an onion in the mornin.

It's the smell ae 'Yiv no washed last nights dishes yit'

Ye better git oan wae it en, no hink? 

Ay, ah suppose.

An ye mibbes want tae open a windae annaw.

See, it's the aroma ae the various sauces an condiments thit tend tae stick tae the furniture.

The kitchen smells like sumbdy left a munchie boax in ther last night.

No thit it's an unpleasant odour, it's jist no whit yer wantin tae sniff wae yer mornin cuppa!

Hauf an hour latern:

Ah fun the source ae the reek in the kitchen, it wis a bowl containin a special sauce thit ma taste buds wid suggest mibbes be a mixture ae:

Tomatie sauce

Buffalo sauce

French Mustard

Mayo

An probably mair thin wan sumhin else.

But whae wid concoct such a mixture?

Ye widnae need tae luik ony further thin the mirror fur an answer tae that question, wid ye?

It's guid though, ye canny taste onyhin else wae that slapped aw oor the contents ae yer burger an salad roll!

May 19th: Messages

So in stoats the senior partner an sais "I just got a few things from the bakers for tonights tea, so don't Andy Burnham"

Wis that an attempt at a topical joke ther?

Laugh, ah nearly chainged ma socks.

"I thought that one up on the way home" Say they

Did ye, ay? 

Ah wid concentrate mair oan whit yer daein if ah wis you, that's thedays shoppin yer shovin in the washin machine!

May 20th: Dream

Ah hud this dream thit ah wis stuck in Dalkeith an cuidny git oot, it didnae metter whit street a turnt up ah jist kept gaun roon in circles.

En this wee wuman opened a door an said thit ah cuid git oot through her hoose.

But oot her back door wis jist two sheer cliff faces wae a river flowin doon the bottom, an ther wis nae wey across.

En when ah turnt roon, this wee wuman wisnae a wee wuman attaw, she wis an android.

So know whit ah did?

Ay, ah woke up an goat tae fuck oot ae Dalkeith!

May 21st: Map

In stoats the senoior partner wae an auld map ae Scotland, the frame wis burstin at the back so ah pulled it oot an hud a wee deek at the hing.

"Wher did ye git this fae?" Enquire I

"I picked it up in a charity shop" Say they "And it cost me six quid!"

"Well ye better haun thaim in anorrer twinty ur thirty quid the next time yer passin, this is a Bartholomew reprint fur the Royal Geographic Society ae Scotland, taken fae the Theatrum Orbis Terrarium 1635 Atlas"

"It's a tatty old map " Reply they

May 22nd: Hard Vertical Surfaces

This is the hing wae waws, oan the hale they tend tae be hard an unforgivin, same wae doors.

So ah wis hinkn aboot printin oot big feck off signs thit read 'Danger, This Is A Wall' an  'Danger, This Is A Door'

It's either that ur ah print oot stickers fur ma readin glesses thit say 'Please Remove Afore Staunin Up'

But if ah did this ah widnae be able tae see whit ah wis readin.

Ah cuid mibbes invent a hard hat thit hus dangly sensor antennae hingies stickin oot it,  jist tae wer aboot the hoose.

May 23rd: Soap

Two years it's taken, but today is the day.

Finally ah huv enough wee bits ae left oor soap bars thit ah cin melt doon tae make anorrer bar ae soap.

See, ah'm the only wan thit yases soap in bar form, they yase gel.

Well, ah wis jist gittin set up fur the big meltdoon when thaim thit disnae swer asks whit ah wis daein, so ah telt thaim.

"Are you out of soap?" Ask they

Naw.

"You are a feckin radgepot" Say they

Um ah? But ah'm a happy radgepot.

Onywey, guid mornin tae you annaw.

So aboot an hour later -

"These melted bits of old soap you have in this foil tray, how long is that going to sit there on the trivet?" Enquires the higher authority

Tae it sets, how?

"How long will that take?" Wis ther next question

Aboot a month.

"Whit?" Gasp thaim

Ay, but it's no gaunny sit ther furra month, it's jist sittin ther tae it's cooled doon, an ye huv tae admit, it's a fer sized bar ae soap, innit?

"Is there nothing the doctor can give you?" Ask they "Like Tranquilisers or something"

May 24th: Dug

Here a wee Westy dug oot in the gairden.

Whae ur you wee dug? Ah've no seen you afore, whit dis yer collar say 'Sosipolis' yer kiddin me oan!

Onywey, ther ma neebur oot the back lane luikin furra dug "Is it this wee fella?" Ask I

An ay, it is, turns oot thit it's his visitin faimlies dug.

"Whit cinna names that furra dug?" Enquire I

"Och, it means divine child ur sumhin" Replies he "That's why we caw him Sydney"