March And April Rhymes
March 17th: Wee Burdies
The craws flew away fur ther breakfast
En flew back tae the trees fur a fight
Is this cause it's nearly the springtime?
Ur cause ootside is darker thin night?
Well they seem tae huv settled ther difference
Noo they chirp an they cackle fur talk
Unlike aw they big feckin seagulls
Whae jist fly aboot shitein an squawk
But the wid doos jist urny woo wooin
Ther aw in the bushes theday
Mibbes they hink it's gaunny be windy
Ur mibbes they jist huv nuhin tae say
Is it rainin?
Whit dae you hink?
March 18th: Nae Internet
Wir internet is aff again
Aw aroon the toon
Nae shoappin an nae bankin
Dour faces fill wae gloom
Wir internet is oan again
It's time tae grab some cash
Ur ye wullny git yer cerry oot
En go oot oan the lash
Wir internet is aff again
Ah hope youse aw took heid
Cause weyoot a wad ae cally dosh
Ye canny git a loaf ae breid
Whit shits gaun doon theday ah wonner?
It must be sumhin thit the Glorious State ae Westminster disnae want ye tae hear aboot!
Ah'm away tae train ma Yo-Yo how tae dae sumhin!
March 20th: Sun
It's cauld afore the sun gits high
So why get up? Say I tae I
But a wet nose cries oot tae me
Ah need ootside tae huv a pee
So ah git up tae open the door
Afore thers pish aw oor the floor
While he goes oot fur a wee, wee
Ah make masel a cup ae tea
An en we watch thedays sun rise
Ah kid you not, ah tell na lies
Nae rain , nae snaw, nae wind dis blow
It's gaunny be nice theday ye know
WTF?
That's two days ae sun wiv hud in a row
It's no quite taps aff werrer here yit though!
Later oan that day
Ah've done aw ma mendin, enough fur wan day's
Why no sit ootside en, an catch some sun rays?
So ah set up a cher fur tae luik oot an gaze
At no quite a harr, but fur defo a haze
The sun is still ther, but it's no shinin bright
An it's goat even cooler thin it wis here last night
So even although we dae git sun light
Yiv goat tae admit, Scottish werrer is shite!
March 22nd: A Wee Song
Feel free tae jyne in:
Wan seagull hud a squawk, at three thirty in the mornin
Wan seagull hud a squawk, at three thirty in the mornin
Two bams hud a singsong, at three thirty in the mornin
Two bams, wan seagull hud a squawk, at three thirty in the mornin
Three owls hud a wee hoot, at three thirty in the mornin
Three owls, two bams, wan seagull hud a squawk, at three thirty in the mornin
Then they went hame
So it's much quieter noo.
March 23rd : Wingwalking
Ah fell right oot ma bed last night
An noo ah've sprained ma wrist
Ah wisnae drinkin alcohol
So ah cuidny huv bin pissed
But a dreamt thit ah hud climbed oot
Oan the wings ae a yella plane
Tae catch that nightime shitehawk
Thits bin daein in ma brain
Well ah never caught the seagull
It wull squawk anorrer night
But ah'm sure ah'll git a haud ae it
When ah'm oan anorrer flight
Noisy basart!
March 24th: Cooker
Ah made a monster casserole
En stuck it in tae cook
En ah went oot tae the gairden
En came back in furra luik
But when ah went tae taste it
It wisnae even hoat
Ah never turnt the oven oan
Ah must huv jist furgoat
So here ma top tip fur theday
If ye want yer dinner warm
Make sure tae turn the oven oan
Raw dinners cuid cause ye herm
Onywey, how mony switches dis wan cooker need?
Yiv goat turn oan three afore ye git a rid light oan this wan, an that's no even the hing oan yit!
March 25th: Jings!
Aw rain, how much ah've missed yer patter
It's bin four days since the sky poored watter
But the sun did no come up theday
Ah wonner why it went away?
The wind oot ther is blowin a hoolie
So ye'll need a hat thits warm an woolly
Cause that wee breeze is cauld as ice
It wid freeze yer ears aff, an that's no nice
Ah've goat ma coat, ah've fun wan welly
How come Mr Dug canny watch the telly?
So ah open the door oot in the lobby
Mr Dug sais noo, he disnae need a jobby
Tough Mr TD, we go now!
March 29th: Clocks
The clock's sprung furrit
So noo ah'm late
Ah goat up the back ae seven
But it's noo the back ae eight
Ah dunno whit ah'm late fur
An ah dunno wher ah'm gaun
If ah goat haud ae Wullie Willett
Ah widnae shake him by the haun
He didnae want anorrer hour
Fur the public guid attaw
He only wanted extra daylight
Tae whack a wee white baw
Onywey, that nonsense metters not wan singel jot, cause it's feckin howlin, absolutely pishin doon an the big lights oan
So it cuid be ony time.
April 1st: Fools
A parrot a cat an a donkey
Goat affy the very furst boat
En they went in fur an ice cream
Cause boy, is theday here sure hoat
Fae the gress oan wir fer bonnie hillsides
Tae the promenade doon by the sea
The sun is shining oor here very brightly
Oan April Fools jist like you an like me
An ah never swer oan April the furst either!
April 8th: Awake
Ah goat oot the pressure cooker
An flung in a chicken thigh
En ah added a nice stock cube
But dinnae ask me why
Chicken isnae oan the menu
Neithers chicken soup
Ah wull make sumhin wae it
Ae that ther is nae doot
Dae you know whit yer daein?
Sumtimes the answers ay
Sumtimes ah'm jist spontaneous
Jist dinnae ask me why
Well, see, ah hud this dream last night, an ah wis a guest at a hoity-toity dinner do, that's why ah'm makin mince theday, ah stuffed masel full ae hoity-toity cuisine in ma sleep.
April 19th: Silence
The sun shone sae brightly
The windae it broke
Ah luiked oot tae see
Only burdies, nae fowk
The silence wis deefnin
Nae sound and less noise
Ther wisnae nae weans
Ootside playin wae ther toys
Wull ah need a jaiket?
Cause ther isnae nae rain
An it isnae cauld either
Huv ah gaun insane?
Whits gaun oan here?
The sun's oot, it's dry, no a cloud in the sky, an it's no Baltic either!
This isnae natural, ah'm aw confused.
Ah hink ah'll need tae make scones.
Ah'm no makin jam though, ah'll jist buy that.
April 20th: Tea
The mornin sterts in earnest
Wae a nice big mug ae tea
An en ther is that second cup
Why no jist make it three?
A fourth mugs no sae easy
As ye must refill the pot
An en ye huv a fifth cup
Noo that's an awfy lot
Ah'm headin tae the lavy noo
Cause ah need tae urinate
Well, tea is a diuretic
An this wull be mug eight!
The senior partner sais thit ther gaunny plank the teapot.
Whit guid wid that dae?
Ah've goat anorrer wan!
Mon, ah wisnae really oan ma eighth mug ae tea, that wis jist a wee bit ae poetic licence.
A cuid huv jist wrote:
The mornin sterts in earnest
Wae a nice big mug ae tea
Ah've hud ma furst an second cup
An noo ah'm oan mug three
Ay, agreed, that's still quite a lot ae tea, but it's no really worth singin aboot, is it?
Yer song wid be awfy short an only huv wan verse.
Ye wid only need two chords mind.Ye mibbes evin git away wae wan!
April 21st: Dark
The burdies aw stoaped chirpin
As the sky turnt dark as night
But the forecast sais the sun is oot
Ah dinnae hink thiv goat that right
At least it isnae rainin
Well, it isnae rainin yit
But the forecast sais the sun is oot
Ah hink ther AI's talkin shit
Ah'm sittin in the kitchen
An the big light is oan
But the forecast sais the sun is oot
Och, gies a brek, c'mon
Dear Artificial Intelligence
See when the sun is oot an shinin up in the sky, ye dinnae need the big light oan, honestly, ye dinnae!
April 22nd: Sun
Thers a wee bitty sun oot ther shinin
An it's shinin right doon tae the sea
But that wee bitty sun thit is shinin
Jist isnae shinin doon oan me
This is cause ah um stuck in the kitchen
Busy makin nice stuff fur the tea
But as soon as ah'm feenished the cookin
Ah wull take Mr Dug furra pee
Ah dunno wher wull go in the sunshine
But it wullny be that far away
Thers hings tae git done noo we huv some sun
Ah'll be oot in the gairden aw day
Ya dancer..Heeeeucht!
April 23rd: Pills
It stuck ther in ma throat
Ah cuidny wash it doon wae tea
It wisnae even massive
It wis a toaty vitamin B
An when a took ma next pill
It did the very same
An that wan wis much bigger
But it didnae cause me pain
Thers only noo five pills tae go
Ma brain sais feckin eck!
Ye'll need anorrer mug ae tea
Tae wash that lot doon yer neck
So ah hud a drink ae watter
Poured anorrer mug ae tea
Ah'm jist oan tablet six the noo
An thers mair fluid thin pills in me
April 24th: Curry
That's two days in a row wae nae rain, wind ur snaw!
An the sun's shinin bright, thers sumhin no right.
Wull ah open the windae an lit in some err?
Och dinnae be silly, it's no warm oot ther.
Wull ah nip doon the shoaps? Well, ah'm no in a hurry.
Ah hink ah'll stay in an make a big curry.
A curry ye say? That sounds quite nice
Well, ah'm gaun doon the shoap, cause wiv nae feckin rice.
Thers ay sumhin, eh?
Onywey, some hours later:
The question wisnae, why is this curry yella?
The question wisnae, is this curry real hot?
The question maist asked by the diners
Hus he made enough curry ur not?
They poured in fae near every direction
They aw stered at the medium sized pot
An aw ae thaim asked the same question
Hus he made enough curry ur not?
So ah laid oot the plates oan the table
An ah gied thaim aw plenty ae rice
En they said when ah dished up ther curry
He hus made enough curry...An it's nice
April 25th: Paint
They painted the place cinna yella
Aw the locals said "That's nice an bright"
But the erseholes whae sit oan committees
Said "Ye canny huv that, it's no right"
En they painted the place cinna bluey
Aw the locals said "That's a nice blue"
But the erseholes whae sit oan committees
Said "That's no a colour ye cin do"
So they painted the place a right dark grey
Aw the locals said "That luiks pure shite"
But the erseholes whae sit oan committees
Said "That's exactly the colour an jist right"
April 26th: Aliens
Ther wis aliens visible last night
Namely Jupiter, Venus, The Moon
But ah dinnae hink they wull be landin
Oan terrestrials onytime soon
It wis nice fur tae see the stars twinkle
It's no often ye see thaim by eye
No even wae aids such as bino's
Cause thers ayweys a cloud in the sky
Ah stered up at the cosmos fur ages
As the dug sniffed aboot like dugs do
En ah luiked at the time oan ma mobile
An said "Jist gaunny hurry up you"
Well, it wisnae that warm oot ther at hauf eleven last night!
April 27th: Busy
Thers hunners tae dae here this mornin
So ah huvny goat time tae type dross
Ah'm required elsewher, shuid ah wash ma herr?
Quite frankly, ah don't give a toss
Ah huv tae take stuff doon tae sumbdy
En ah huv tae nip up tae the docs
But a wurd in yer ear, jist tae make it clear
Ye canny go oot werrin Crocs
It's no thit ma crocs ur unsightly
An it's no thit they slip aff ma feet
It's jist thit ye dinnae see mony
Aw dressed up werrin crocs doon the street
Well, Crocs ur mair hoosewer ur beachwer.
April 28th: Hoat
Ah jumped intae the shower this mornin
An the watter came oot rether hoat
So ah turnt doon the thermostat hingie
Did it cool doon? Well naw, it did not
Ah thought en thit it must be the biler
So ah opened the door an know what?
Some heidcase hud chainged aw the settins
Fae warm up tae pure roastin hoat.
Thers a moral tae this nonsense story
Wherrer ye know whit yer daein ur no
Dinnae fuck wae the gas biler settins
Ye cuid end up wae an aw oor rid glow
April 29th: eeeecks!
Ah opened the curtains at sunrise
An through the dim haze ah cuid see
A million wee ravenous midges
Lukin hungry, sterrin back at me
Well ah umny feart ae yer midges
So ah shouted come intae ma heid
An oot in the hall thers the dug wae a ball
Luikin longinly up at his lead
So the wee midges aw stertit laughin
We'll be seein ye oot here real soon
Dinner is oan the wey, an aw we wull say
We dinnae need a knife, fork urra spoon
Ay right, ah'm gaun up the road wey this mornin
April 30th: Rolls
Thers nuhin thit tastes jist quite like thaim
Fae the tropics tae baith the cauld poles
So whit ur these maist tasty morsels?
Ther yer wurld famous Glesga burnt rolls
Ye cin huv thaim wae cheese oan a nice day
Ye cin huv thaim wae chips ur a pie
Ye cin stick oan cauld meat, salad greens fur a treat
Although ah wid jist no know why
Ye cin huv thaim wae haggis ur sausage
Ye cin slap oan baith rid sauce ur broon
Blackpuddin ur egg, a deboned chicken leg
Ah'll be gaun back doon the street fur mair soon
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