March
March 2nd: Whit Awready?
Whit, leccy bill awready?
Jings! That wis a quick month.
Ay, no mind the wee mnemonic?
Therty days huv suspenders
Hingie, that wan an club members
Aw the rest huv therty sumhins
Except the urrer wan alone thit disnae
No even oan a leap year
Ay, right enough, so whit years this again?
March 3rd: Wind
Ah never saw nae werrer warnin fur that howlin breeze accompanied by pure stoatin doon we goat oor here last night.
Ther ye go, it cuidny huv happened en. Ye must huv dreamt it.
But haw, wait a minute, ma jaiket thits hingin oan the pulley is totally wringin.
Naw, it canny be, impossible, ye must be dreamin that annaw.
So whit yer sayin is, ah'm jist dreamin aboot wind an rain when ah'm awake noo.
Ah see, fer doos...Is ther a medical term fur this?
March 4th: Brush
Noo here sumhin ye dinnae dae every day.
Imagine sweepin the flair wie the big brush, nohin simpler eh?
En imagine bendin doon tae sweep the dust intae the haun shovel when fur some reason the big brush haunel hus somehow ended up doon the back ae yer jersey, goat the picture?
En imagine no realisin thit the brush haunel is stuck doon yer jersey, so ye tug an pull at the hing until ye faw face furst intae the bucket.
But haw, jist try daein the same hing again, it's no feckin easy!
March 5th: Phone
My phone is not holding a charge!" Say they tae I
Well, thers two reasons fur this ma chookiebundle:
Furstly, your wee phone very rarely gits a charge, dis it?
An secondly, it's feckin ancient.
Here ye cin huv this wan, it's brand new, still in the boax.
Ten mins later:
"This phone is not charging either?"
Och away, lit me see the hing.
Ay!..
Right, thers yer problem, yiv goat tae pit the battery in it furst.
An mind, ye'll need tae pit yer sim caird in ther annaw.
Ye want me tae dae it?
It's mibbes better if ah dae it, no hink?
Awrite, keep the heid, ah'm quite aware thit ye cin manage fine yersel!
An byrawey, that's SD caird!
Haw, ah thought you didnae swer?
March 6th: Pizzas
Ah hink ah'll make wee pizzas theday cause the senior partner jist came in wae nice luikin wee pizza bases ther.
So ah've made the sauce, grated the cheese an sliced aw the bits.
Whers they wee pizza bases noo?
Oh here, they wee pizza bases urny pizza bases attaw, ther roon cleanin pad hingies!
Why ur they dough coulourt?
Whit a ridiculous colour tae make cleanin pads, fowk cuid end up wae serious stomach problems eatin thaim!
Know whit? Ah hink ah'll make some breid dough theday, en we cuid mibbes huv pizzas thit dinnae require gastric surgery efter ingestion.
So here ma top tip fur theday: See if yer gaunny buy dough coloured buffin pads, en make sure thers some cinna writing oan the packagin, jist incase sumbdy mistakes thaim fur pizza bases an eats the hings!
March 7th: Rugger
So in stoats the senior partner wae squer slicin an links sausage fae the butcher an sais "What else were you planning on having for todays matchtime munchies?"
Ther seems tae huv bin a bit ae confusion here, see, ah wrote doon sausage rolls fur wir matchtime munchies oan thedays message list, no sausage rolls, urrerwise ah wid huv written it doon as rolls oan sausage.
"Does it matter ?" Ask they
Ay, it dis, cause ah cin jist stick sausage rolls in the oven, but sumbdy wull huv cook they sausages tae fire ontae rolls!
Confused yit?
"Why have you got that wee stool placed behind the couch?" Enquires the inquisitor.
Well, that's whit ah'm gaunny be sittin oan tae watch the rugger this efternin, how?
"Why, do you not think we will win?" Ask they
Ah'm sayin nohin, ah'm jist gaunny sit oan that wee stool tae watch the gemm fae ahint the couch this efternin, that's aw!
"That won't be very comfortable" Say they
It wull be comfortin enough fur me!
March 8th: Hame Delivery
Whits that Mrs The Cat ? Yer gaunny staun ther oan the kitchen table wae yer erse in ma face tae ah git affy this cher cause yer wantin tae sit oan it.
Fer doos, huv it, ah'll sit oan this wan.
Whits that Mrs The Cat ? Yer gaunny staun ther oan the kitchen table wae yer erse in ma face tae ah git affy this cher cause yer wantin tae sit oan that wan tae.
Ah see, it's like that is it.
Ther the door?
Aw, it's ma mucker fae the store whae sais " Ah know ah'm a wee bit early but here yer shoppin, ah knew yid be in"
How did ye know ah wid be in?
"Cause ye wirny doon the store" Replies himsel
See, we dinnae need ony ae they electronic ASBO trackin ankle bracelets oor here, if yer no doon the store en ye must be in the hoose!
March 9th: Herbs
"I ordered this herb grinder online" Say they tae I "It came yesterday, it's not very big."
Well, that's cause it's a weed grinder, oh enlightened wan.
"It says Herb Grinder on the box" Reply they
Whit dae ye want it tae say box, Illegal Substance Grinder ur sumhin?
"It's nice though, isn't it?" Ask they
Ay, it's a hing ae beauty an a mechanical marvel, jist dinnae go leavin it lyin aboot oan the front windae cill.
March 10th: Wind
'Here, it's a bit fresh this mornin is it no?' Hinks I tae I 'That wind wid cut ye in two!'
Well, the wind widnae actually cut ye in hauf ur even whip a limb aff ye, that's jist an expression.
But it wid mibbes be a decent idea tae keep ony ae yer brass bits unner wraps.
This is fur defo a day tae git the big electric soup pot oot an make thick as fuck soup thit sticks tae yer ribs!
Well, the soup disnae really stick tae yer ribs, cause if it did, it wid probably kill ye!
That wull be the soup in the pot en, but that cooks itsel, whit noo?
Oh! Here a cabbage in the fridge.
Cabbage.
Cabbage an onion.
Cabbage, onion an cheese.
Cabbage, onion, cheese an eggs.
Cabbage, onion, cheese, eggs an pastry.
Quiche!
How did that happen?
Ah didnae see that oan thedays sticky note menu!
Well, it's made noo, ah'll jist write it doon above soup oan the note board so as they hink it wis intentional an no jist a by-product ae no knowin whit the fuck yer daein!
March 11th: The Return
Shitehawks at 5.45 o'clock Red Leader!
It's guid tae huv thaim back, ther like an alarm call ,only louder, an they dinnae huv a snooze button so ye canny turn thaim aff!
Onywey, it's a brighter cinna wet wir gittin here theday, that rether fresh pure howlin breeze is blowin the clouds oor, so it's only rainin buckets periodically.
But ah'm quite sure if a timed it right, ah cuid quite easily manage tae git soaked mair thin wance theday.
Right, ah'm gaunny git the shoppin theday , whit huv they goat oan the message list?
Cat food
Dug food
Cat biscuits
Dug biscuits
Cat litter
Bleach
Squeezy
mmmm? Crunchy cat litter à la bleach wae a dollop ae Pedigree Chum, how dis that sound tae ye fur the tea?
Naw?
Well we cuid huv orrer variations, Tuna Dreamies à la squeezy fur instance.
Ah dunno know why they borrer wae the bleach an the squeezy, the cat an the dug never eat the stuff, an ah'm no that fussed aboot it masel, well, unless it's oan toast, but thers nae breid oan that list!
March 12th: Still Breezy
Jingszo! Noo that's a breeze is it no?
Ah saw a wee boat blowin up the street earlier, ah wis jist surprised thit ther wisnae a Reform UK Ltd. candidate an a BBC crew chasin up the road efter it.
Thers no bin a trampoline touch doon yit though, so ah dinnae suppose this particular wee breeze cin be classified as a gale.
But is it rainin?
Och, dinnae ask stoopit questions.
March 13th: Friday!
eeeecks, it's Friday the 13th ..Again!
So apert fae it bein rether unfortunate tae bump intae Jason Voorhees theday, whits sae unlucky aboot Friday the 13th en?
Ah canny mind, it's sumhin tae dae wey Loki gaun tae a perty up in Valhalla when Donald Trump arrived uninvited as the thirteenth guest an pit an end tae aw the joy in the wurld.
Well, it wis sumhin like that, ah'm no up in ma Marvel comics.
'Ye better git the Super Seturday prep wurk done theday en.' Hink I tae I
Checks list:
Make pizzas, hunners ae thaim.√ ..Done
Make yer ain sausage rolls cause they wull jist git sausages an rolls fae the shoap.√..Done
Make pieces..Ah'll dae that ramorra mornin.
Make soup? Whits that daein oan ma list, whae the fucks gaunny eat soup ramorra?
Make scones?
Haw, mon, sumbdys jist rippin the feckin pish here noo!
March 16th: Werrer Forecast
Oh! Ther it's rainin furra wee chainge!
That's nice.
Whit dis the artificial werrer forecast huv tae say?
Oh! Rain.
Lits phrase this question annorrer wey en.
When dae youse artificial forecasters reckon it wull stoap rainin at this location?
Oh! Mibbes oan Wednesday efternin fur a wee while.
Is this cause it's hauf day closin oor here oan Wednesday ur sumhin, ur is ther a meteorological reason fur this?
Next artificial answer: Buy Meteorological on Amazon!
Right, ah'm turnin you aff again, an ye cin feckin stay turnt aff this time.
Haw, ther the rain went aff an it's no Wednesday yit!
Obviousy the werrer disnae realise thit it's made up fae nuhin mair thin wans an zeros.
Ah wonner if it's the wans ur the zeros thit faw fae they sky?
It must be the nuhins, no hink?
Cause nuhins ur roon an wid jist roll aff ye, but wans ur pointy, they cuid gie ye a sair wan.
Ther ye go, anorrer meteorological mystery hus noo bin resolved.
Ther wis a wee raindrop thit fell
Fae a cloud an went straight doon a well
An efter much pitter patter
Aw these raindrops cool data
Thit some rich billionaires cin noo sell
It wid be a shame tae drink the stuff ur watter flooers wae it, no hink?
Since when did these cants come tae own aw the watter onywey?
Away an lauch yersels ya shower ae greedy basarts, ye cin drink yer ain pish in outer space.
Ah'm gled ah goat that aff ma chest.
March 17th: Psychic
Mince' Say I tae they
"Are you making mince then?" Say they tae I
Naw, that's no whit ah said, ah said mince cause ma psychic intuition wis tellin me thit you wir hinkin whits in the freezer, an thers mince in the freezer.
"That's not what I was thinking at all" Say they tae I
Awrite en, ah'll try again..Peas, thers peas in the freezer.
"You are not very good at this, are you" Say they tae I
Ah knew ye wir gaunny say that.
March 18th: Trainin Fur Abuse
"What are you doing?" Enquire they
Ah'm in trainin, how?
"What, with a kids Yo-Yo?"
Ay, an ah mibbes even take it up professionally wance ah've mastered how tae git the hing tae go up an doon the string wae oot fanklin .
"You could start by unfankling that mess that's inside your head" Say they
Huh! Jist wait tae ah'm away tourin aroon the wurld oan the professional Yo-Yo circuit
"It's a couple of volts from an electric circuit you need" Reply they
Haw, ah dinnae need tae staun here an take abuse, ah cin git abused onywher ye know.
So thers moi trainin away wae ma Yo-Yo when the senior partner sais "You are going to break something with that thing"
Whit, like a leg? Ah dinnae hink sae.
"No, something more important, like a window" Reply they "Where did you get that from anyway?"
It wis in the cupboard, it must belang tae wan ae the weans.
"I would imagine so" Say they "And it's right up your street, a toy that even our Grandkids have grown out of"
Huh! Ah'm away ootside tae train wae ma Yo-Yo en.
Jist you watch this space, ah'll be famous!
Later oan that night..
"Don't you think it's a bit late at night for the Time Warp?" Enquire they
Haw, it's never too late, an byrawey, this isnae the Time Warp ah'm daein, it's the Buddha Stretch.
"It's a stretch in the loony bin you need" Reply they
Huh! Ah'll jist Buddha Stretch masel away tae ma bed en.
Nighty Night
Boing Boing..Boing Boing Boing Boing!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Gs1I19GKkk
March 19th: Beds
Did you change the bed sheets?" Enquire they
Ay, it's aw pert ae ma system.
"You have a system?" Ask they
Ay, how?
"But you didn't change the quilt covers" Say they
Ay, ah know ah didnae, it's aw pert ae ma system.
"So, your system is to half change the beds?" Ask they
Ay, ah dinnae like chaingin quilt covers.
Onywey, ther oan the tap, so ah only need tae chainge thaim if ma bedtime slice ae toast hus stuck tae it.
"We don't have enough duvet covers for your system to work" Reply they
March 20th: Salad
Salad, that's aw ah'm sayin.
Well the sun's oot theday.
See, naebdy mentioned tumshie, ah don't even know why ah made it.
Dae ye hink mashed tumshie wid go wie a salad?
It wid be different.
Cheese, tattie salad, coleslaw, biled egg, cauld meat, lettuce, an wid ye like a dod ae cauld mashed turnip wae that?
Haw, ye never know!
March 21st: Screwdriver
So ah sais tae ma mucker in the tool shoap' Screwdriver, flat heidit, large, wan of please'
An he replies "Dae ye want wan wie a black haunel ur a rid haunel?"
Neither, ah want wan wae a bright yella haunel.
"Wiv no goat wan wie a yella haunel" Sais he "Dis it metter?"
Ay, it dis, cause the wan ah awready huv hus a black haunel, but ah pit that doon sumwher in ma cellar so noo ah canny fun the hing, that's why ah need anorrer wan, preferably wan wae a brighter haunel!
Awrite, gies a rid wan en.
So an hour later ah sais tae ma mucker in the tool shoap : Screwdriver, flat heidit, wan of please.
"Whit, anorrer wan?" Sais he
Ay, it's dark doon ther.
"Cin ye no pit a light in it?" Enquires himsel
Whit dae ye hink ah want the screwdriver fur?
March 23rd: Pies
These are nice wee pies" Say they tae I "Where did you get them from?"
Ah made thaim yesterday.
"You did not?" Reply they
Awrite en, ah didnae, ah made thaim theday.
"Are they pork pies?" Enquire thaimsel
Naw, ther plain auld ordinary mince pies, ah jist pit jeely in thaim, same difference.
"Where did you the gelatine?" Wis ther next qestion
Oot a packet, how?
Dae ye want tae see the vidjeo ah made ae masel makin thaim?
"You did not make a video?" Ask they
Ay yer right, ah didnae!
March 24th: Tune
What is that you are trying to play now?" Enquire they
Ah dunno, ah jist made it up, so whitever it is isnae feenished yit, ah'm wurkin oan it.
"No, that is an actual tune from a real song" Reply they
Whit! An ma songs urny real like?
See, whit ye dinnae unnerstaun is, thit if ye take ma three chords an play thaim in ony order wan efter anorrer, ther guaranteed tae sound like sumhin else.
"You know more than three chords" Reply they
Ay, ah know ah dae, but ah dinnae like playin the orrer wan!
Onyey whae needs mair thin wan chord, whae needs mair thin wan string fur that metter?
March 26th: Teeth
Ther ma mucker tellin me thit he finally goat his new teeth yesterday efter months ae dental wurk.
"Dae ye want tae see thaim?" Sais he tae I
Well ah said ay, hinkin he we wis gaunny smile.
But naw, he pullt a tap an bottom set ae wallies oot a bag he hud in his pocket an haunit the hings tae me.
"Ther very nice" Said I tae he
March 27th: Nurse
Thers moi waitin in the surgery when ah hear the usual greetin ae 'Right You' fae the nurse, ma neebur an second bestest pal.
So ah sais tae thaim : Haw, how ah'm ah meant tae know thit yer 'Right' wae a finger pointin tae yer room, ur 'Right You' is a reference tae masel? 'Right you' cuid mean embdy.
An they reply "Thers naebdy else here"
Appose, but whit if ther wis?
"But thers no" Reply they
Fer doos, so dae ye want ma name, address an date ae birth jist tae confirm it's me noo?
Well, it's Mr Right You, fae two doon.
Onywey, ther thaim tellin me thit ther hinkin aboot movin away oor tae the continent.
"Whit like Glesga?" Ask I
"Naw Europe" Reply they
"Ah wis hinkin aboot gaun ther tae" Say I "Ah mibbes see ye oor ther"
"Well, that's made ma mind up" Say they " Wir fur defo no gaun ther"
Huh, ah'll miss you tae.
So, huv ye goat a pish boattle fur me en?
March 29th: Pizzas
What a racket, what are you doing?" Enquire they
Ah'm makin pizzas an practicin ma dance moves, how?
"Face facts, you can not nor ever could dance, you are like a heifer with two left feet" Reply they
That's no a very apt description is it? Aw heifers huv goat two left feet, thiv goat two right wans annaw.
"Could you put your earphone in please?" Ask they
But it faws oot when ah'm dancin.
"Don't dance then" Reply thaim
Haw, jist wait tae ah'm oan Strictly Come Ravin.
"Ay, a raving lunatic ward" Reply they
Next complaint:-
"Oh for goodness sake, can you not just sit down and shut up for five minutes?" Say they tae I
So whit yer sayin is thit ye dinnae like ma archipelago singin noo?
"It's a cappella" Reply they
No the wey ah sing it!
March 31st: Damp
Ah canny fun the wurd ah'm luikin fur this mornin.
Damp, Dim, Dour, Drab, Dreary, Dreich, Dull
Damp is gittin close tae a description.
Stert at the orrer end ae the alphabet an work back en.
OK..
Wet, that's the wurd..
It's fuckin Wet again fur a wee chainge!
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