February
February is the second month of the year in the Julian and Gregorian calendars. The month has 28 days in common years and 29 in leap years, with the 29th day being called the leap day. February is the third and last month of meteorological winter in the Northern Hemisphere.
February 6th: Haircut
"What have you done to your hair?" Enquires the Senior Partner
Ah've cut it, how?
"How! Because you look like an ageing extra from Mad Max, I think you have taken the sides a wee bitty too far up, do you not think that you should just even it up and whip that strip off the top?" Reply they
Naw, dae ah fuck, it's too cauld, ah'll whip the tap aff when it's warmer, onywey, that's the fashion an ah've plenty hats
"What style magazines are you reading" Say they "Dystopian World?"
Cheeky basart
February 8th: Whits fur tea?
Ah jist sat doon efter bilin the cabbage, carrots, tatties an tumshie fur tae go wie the tea when ma heid sais thit ther sumhin missin.
Wir ye no meant tae be huvin chicken theday?
Oh ay, so we wir.
So whers the chicken?
It's in the freezer.
Well yer no huvin chicken en, ur ye?
Disnae luik like it, dis it?
Whit ur we huvin en?
Well, by the luiks ae hings, cabbage, carrots, tatties, tumshie, stuffin an mibbes peas.
Fer doos.
February 9th: Walkies
Luik at that huge puddle in the field" Sais Mr The Dug tae I
That's jist whit ah'm luikin at Mr TD, ah hink wull jist go roon that wan eh?
"No chance" Replies he "This giant muddy puddle is fabulous, why don't you come in an try it? It's really really muddy!
But haw, luik oor ther tae the orrer side, thers an even better wan, this is excellent!"
Note tae sell: Rinse the dugs towels unner the hose ootside afore ye ram the dug in the washin machine.
Whitever floats yer boat ah suppose....Filthy animal!
February 10th: Emergency
Ah cin hear hunners ae sirens gaun nee naawin mental doon the street, ah didnae know we hud that mony emergency vehicles wie sirens oor here.
It sounds like Gourock oan Fair Friday doon ther the noo!
Whit! Yiv never bin tae Gourock?..It's nice, thiv goat a chip shoap.
Onywey, I digress, sumbdy must huv tripped oor ther cat ur sumhin, it canny be that serious cause the chopper husny come oor.
February 14th: Valentines Day
Some fowk git cairds
An some fowk git roses
But ah goat you hankies
Tae wipe runny noses
Naw, ah didnae jist git ye paper hankies, ah goat you this wee widden Valentines moose annaw.
Cute eh? See, ah knew ye wid like that.
Ah've nae idea whit yer gaunny dae wie it, whit wid ye like tae dae wie it?
Aw, so it's like that is it?
Happy Valentines Day
February 15th: Noteboard
Ah'm at a loss fur hings tae dae theday cause thers nae scribbles ur promt notes up oan the note board!
This cin only mean thit either:
1: Ah've done everyhin thit they hink needs tae be done
2: The Senior Partner hus finally come roon tae ma wey ae hinkin
3: The inks ran oot in ther marker pen
Well, if ye chose option 3 ther, ye wid be correct
February 17th: Chinese New Year
Jings! It's the Chinese New Year theday, the Year ae the Fire Horse
But whit gives? Ther wis daylight at 7:30 this mornin!
Ay, light, an a dinnae mean a brighter dreich, wir talkin actual sunlight here, the real McCoy.
An know whit else? This weird illumination hus woken aw the wee burdies up, ther aw gaun feckin radge oot ther.
This cin only mean wan hing?
Ay, ah'm makin sausage casserole fur the tea.
Well, it's pure Baltic, ye canny huv everyhin.
February 19th: Socks
"Why do you have so many pairs of socks in this drawer?" Wis ther question
Och that's an easy wan:
They wullny aw fit oan ma feet at the same time so ah keep the sper wans in that drawer, how?
"Because there is no room in there for these ones" Wis ther answer
Well know whit ah dae wie they wans?
Ah jist leave thaim oan that cher ther, cause ah wull probably manage tae fit thaim oan ma feet ramorra efter these wans git soaked theday!
Ye canny huv too mony dry socks in this climate ye know.
February 20th: Kitchen
"What are you doing?" Enquire they "Nothing I would suppose will be your answer"
Haw, ah beg yer pardon, it's totally impossible tae dae nohin, even elementary particles dae sumhin, but if we jist bypass the known laws ae physics, ah wid surmise thit ye wid much prefer thit ah wis daein sumhin else rether thin the nohin ah'm daein right noo?
"Yes" Reply they "I would much appreciate it if you could get all of your tools and crap out of the kitchen!"
Well seen ther cookin the nights tea, eh?
February 21st: Rugger
Beep Beep.. Oh here a text..Hi Dad, we will be over at 12:30
Ay! Hink sae?
Text Text..Whits happenin at 12:30 ?
The furst gemms no til 2:10 an Scotland urny playin tae 4:40.
Beep Beep..Mum said you might need a wee hand to clear out the kitchen as you are going to paint it.
Text Text ..Um ah, whit again?
Beep Beep.. Yes, mum said you don't like the colour.
Text Text..Dis she no? She picked it.. Thers nae kitchen gittin painted this weekend.
Beep Beep.. OK, see you at 12:30.
See, ah knew ther wis sumhin oan the cairds, but ma wurds final.
Whers they feckin paint rollers noo?
February 22nd: Phone Call
Ring Ring .."Hi Grandad, I've been trying to call Granny on her phone"
Huv ye? Her phones lyin here in it's usual non mobile spot, if ye ring it noo ah'll answer it.
"No it's OK, I was just wanting to know how she makes her carbonara"
Ah wid imagine she makes it in a pot.
"When will Granny be back?"
In aboot hauf an hour.
"OK , I'll phone back later, byee "
Ay, byee, It wis nice talkin tae you annaw.
Whit the fucks carbonara?
February23rd: A Wee Chainge
The sky is blue
The sun is oot
It's pishin doon
Whits that aboot?
This werrer is jist huvin a feckin giraffe noo, at least the big lights no required theday..Yit!
Ther it's rainin furra wee chainge, fabulous.
So whit cinna rain is that wir gittin noo?
See, we git aw different cinna rain oor here, awready this mornin wiv hud stoatin doon torrential, howlin squalls an plain auld pishin doon.
Ah widnae hink thers much chance wull git the forecasters drizzle the day though, cause thers a chilly wee 40 mph breeze.
But hey, ye canny huv everyhin.
February 25th: Mud
Thers two types ae wellies in this wurld ma freen.
Thers the totally watterproof steely toe capped industrial wellies thit ye only yase fur diggin the gairden, cause ther too heavy tae walk very far in.
En thers yer lightweight shitty rubbery plastic coated material wellies, thit split an leak efter a hunner yerds.
Guess whit wans ah've goat oan theday?
Whit, is it rainin?
Whit here? Whit gied ye that idea?
See, wan ae wir forecasters sais thit thers a hunner percent chance ae heavy rain oor here theday.
But the orrer wan sais thit thers only a ninety five percent chance ae heavy rain.
Ah wonner whit wan ae thaims right?
But the guid news is, wir meant tae git a sunny spell wie showers oan Seturday, ah'm fer luikin furrit tae Seturday noo!
February 26th: Cauliflooer an Cheese
Ah fancied cauliflooer an cheese theday, so a wonnered if the University ae YouTube hud ony varients oan ma simple recipe fur a wee chainge.
Cue BBC chef wie ther Budget Cauliflooer Cheese:
Take wan cauliflooer thit costs approx £1.50
Wrap it in a roll ae bakin paper : Cost £5.00
En wrap it in two rolls ae foil : Cost £10.00
Stick it in the oven fur an hour: Cost £20.00
En it's ther money savin economy cheese sauce:
Jist grate aw they leftoor bits ae cheese yiv goat lyin aboot in the fridge?
Ye know, aw they bits ae Stilton, Parmesan, Brie etc thit ur jist lyin aboot.
Haw, jist you stall right ther gadga..Ah'll make ma ain
February March The Furst?
Ah'm makin samosas, everyhin in the kitchen is smellin guid, but this nag in the back ae ma heid telt me sumhin wis missin.
Jist as weel ma powers ae observation wir oan form...'Thers nae peas in ther boy'
So here ma top tip fur theday: Dinnae take a plastic bag full ae frozen peas oot the freezer an sit it oan a hoat ring oan the cooker, hings stoap smellin sae guid when ye dae this, plus it's a bugger gittin the melted plastic back aff the ring.
See, ah dae it fur youse so you dinnae huv tae
Ah shuid know this by noo, but jist in case youse dinnae here ma second top tip fur the day:
Dinnae go choppin a variety ae hoat chillies en rub yer eyes en go fur a pish, no even if ye huv dished yer hauns wae cookin oil, jist gaunny trust me oan this wan.
Honestly, dinnae!
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