January

It's January ae the New Year 2026 , so ah thought thit ah wid try sumhin different.

Different as in write doon my diary as ye wid dae if ye wir writin stuff doon in a diary wie days,dates an shit.

So here's ma diary fur January 2026 in mair ae a diary cinna format.

January 3rd, Pure Baltic

It wis jist far too nice, warm an comfy in ma bed this mornin, so ah said tae masel.. 'Ah wull bet you canny git oot this bed in the dark, trip oor yer tablets chargin cable, knock the bedside light oor an stove yer heid in aff the chest ae drawers.'

Well, ah'm ayweys up fur a challenge.

An know whit? That wan wis a doddle!

January 4th, An It's Still Pure Baltic

Ther wir werrer psychic Mrs Auld whae lives wie her sister Mrs Veryaulds cat, hingin a washin ootside in the sub zero!

So they either know sumhin thit ah dinnae ur ther loosin ther touch.

Well it turns oot thit it's neither, her visitors ur away noo an she's nae room left tae hing the sheets up oan the pulley.

Ah dunno, whit next?  The wurlds jist gaun radge the day!

Well see, ah knew thit Mrs Auld whae lives wie her sister Mrs Veryaulds cat, knew sumhin thit ah didnae.

It's gaunny be pure Baltic here aw week, therfur it's a decent idea tae git aw yer washin done afore the drains freeze up.

Bugger! Ah never thought ae that wan..Again! 

January 9th: Furst Visit Ae The Year Tae The Doctor

Ther a new doctor whae sais thit he's quite concerned cause he hus deeked ma blood results an due tae the concentration ae multiplex bubblegum duplicities an expotential luminosities he hinks thit ah huv supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Well ah sais tae he thit if it wis awrite wie himsel ah wid rether no huv that wan.

So efter a long conflab oan the phone wie the specialist the per ae thaim decidet thit ah cuid jist keep aw the conditions ah've awready goat, which ah thought wis awfy nice ae thaim.

January 10th The Omen

Ther four magpies up that tree, how dis the auld rhyme go?

Wan fur sorrow

Two fur joy

Three furra girl

An four furra boy

Whitever the fuck that's meant tae mean?

Onywey, two minutes later in stoats General Insult luikin fur a sper 2 meter long type C chargin cable.

See, they wee burdies wir a warnin ae the impendin!

Ah wonner whit else is oan ther list ae ah must huv thit they urgently require?

January 12th..Hoosewurk

Right, whers ther list?

Jingszo! Ah've goat hunners ae hings tae dae theday, ther seems tae be an awfy lot oan this list.

Appose ah cuid dae the washin cause the machine dis the washin, so ah cin tick that wan aff.

Next:

Make the tea: Well ah'll be daein that onywey, so whits the point in writin that doon?

Sweep an mop the flairs: Oooft, jings naw! Ah'll jist totally dingie that wan.

Move big wardrobe in the back bedroom: Whit? Move it tae wher? That sounds ominous, ah'll jist dingie that wan tae.

Well thers anorrer hauf dozen items oan ther thedays list thit aw concern movin shit in the back bedroom.

Plus thers five rolls ae hideous wallpaper thit wid go weel in Boris Johnson's Downing Street bordello bog lyin in ther tae.

Know whit ah hink?

Ah hink thit Mrs Senior Partner is plannin a wee project.

An know whit else?

Thers no feckin way thit ah wull be hingin ther latest choice ae wallpaper onywher in this hoose.

An ah mean it, thers nae chance ae that gaun up!

See, ma wurd is final.

So the paste bucket an paperin table is oot noo, well, ah suppose, ther choice ae hideous will only be gaun up oan wan waw.

But hing is, it's a big waw!

January 15th

Thers moi singin away tae masel in the kitchen:

Ah'm furever washin dishes

Dirty dishes in the sink

Ah don't know why, they pile sae high

Thers mair dishes thin peope ah hink

Oh- ah'm furever washin dishes

Dirty dishes in the sink

En ah hud a question an answer sesh wie masel:

Where did aw they dishes come fae?

 You ate yer soup straight oot the pot yesterday en ye washed that.

Ay, but ye never washed onyhin else efter ye made the tea, did ye?

Naw, right enough, neither ah did.

So they must be your dirty dishes en?

Correct √ ..Gie yersel a gold star san.

January 16th

Ther the senior partner jist surfaced, thiv no bin very weel wie the flu.

So ah asked thaim if ther wis onyhin they fancied fur ther tea, an ther answer wis stovies.

eeecks, no Stovies! Yer oan dangerous grun wie stovies.

Whit cinna stovies? 

Thers that mony different recipes fur stovies an they never said whit cinna stovies they wanted.

Well ther fae Embra, so wid presume thit ther efter sausages biled wie tatties cinna stovies, an no Glesga Stovies which is everyhin an onyhin biled in wan pot!

January 17th: Craws

Ah've bin watchin the craws oot the windae, an ah've jist goat so mony questions noo.

Why dae they only roost in the trees oan the left haun side? 

Ther the same trees aw roon aboot.

Why dae they no roost oan the roofs onymair?

Is it warmer higher up?

Wher dae they aw go tae in the mornin?

How dae they aw know when it's time tae come hame, dis wan ae thaim huv a watch?

Why cin they no sit at peace tae a coont thaim?

An dae ye no hink thit you shuid git oot mair san?

January 20th: Shoppin

Ther a shoapin list hingin fae the note board this mornin.

Nohin like drappin a hint, eh?

So ah nipped doon the store, an as maistly aw these necessities wir tins ae cat food an dug food ah jist goat the store tae deliver it atween 10 an12.

En ah git hame an inform the senior partner thit ther shoapin wid be delivered this mornin.

"Yes I know" Reply they "I ordered it online last night, it will be here between 10 and 12"

Know whit wiv goat here?

Whit wiv goat here is a failure to communicate

10:15

Ther wir double shoapin jist arrived.

Well, the tins willny go wrang, an ah know Burns night is comin up, but wull we manage tae eat wir wey through three tumshies?

Ther big wans tae!

Dinnae luik at me, ah only bought wan.

Right, whers ma recipe book: A Hunner Hings Tae Dae Wie Tumshies

12:30

WTF! Here a text fae the store 'Yer delivery hus bin delayed an wull be ther ASAP' 

En the senior partner gits the same text.

En ten minutes later the mucker thit dis the deliveries returns laden.

"Ye delivered oors this mornin" Say I tae he

"Ay, ah know ah did" Replies yer man "But the computer sais ah didnae, ah hink yer double order  hus confused oor machine"

"Ye'll need tae take that back sir" Reply I "We canny possibly eat six tumshies!"

Computers eh? 

Ah doubt it wid make that mistake wie drink.

1:30

So ther Mrs Auld whae lives wie her sister Mrs Veryaulds cat tellin me thit she's jist back fae the store an it's pure chaos doon ther the noo, cause ther computers taken a benny turn.

"No shit Mrs Auld" Say I tae she "Dae ye want a tumshie?"

See, ah knew ah shuid huv goat a big feck off cerry oot!

This day wull go doon in wir islands history as the beginnin ae the end ae artificially intelligent shoapin

January 21st: Huv A Wurd Wie Yersel

Ah went doon the street fur caustic soda an goat a new duvet.

En ah came hame an said tae masel :

Did ye need a new quilt?

Well naw, no really.

So whit did ye git a new quilt fur en?

Cause the quilts wir oan the same aisle as the caustic soda.. Ah hope this clears hings up an answers ony mair stoopid questions yer heid might huv.

Aw, so it's like that is it, did ye git the caustic soda?

Well, naw, cause ah goat distracted by they hotel quality quilts!

Whits hotel quality?

Ah dunno!

January 22nd/23rd : The Wee Sma hours

So ah wis lyin in ma bed last night listenin tae Euro Trance oan the radio, cause unlike Euro Rock the trance stuff usually sends ma big heidphones aff intae the land ae nod nae borrer.

But obviously last nights repetitive beat music didnae trance-mute masel intae dreamland quick enough, cause ah wis awakened this mornin by an email fae the Chinese site, jist tae lit masel know thit ma order ae various items ae crap hud bin confirmed.

Whit huv a bought noo? 

Well, ah'm fuctifano!

January 27/28th : Food

Whit wie the werrer no bin fabulous recently, last night ah thought thit ah wid git a shoapin delivered fae wir wan an only store, but  when ah goat tae ther website aw ah see is aisles full ae - oot ae stock!

So ah didnae borrer, cause ah wisnae really needin ony oot ae stock.

Why dae they stock sae much oot ae stock?

Onywey, ah git up this mornin an it's no rainin plus thers a wee glimmer ae brightness oot ther. 

So ah'm away doon the street tae see if wir store hus ony - in stock oot ae stock, in store.

Haw, ye never know.

January 29th 

"mmmm?" Thought I tae I "Yiv thought aboot that afore"

"So ah huv" Thought I tae I "Ye better hink aboot sumhin else"

So ah did.

Well that wull be this mornin sorted en, whit ur ye gaunny dae this efternin?

"Ah dunno" Thought I tae I "Ah wull huv tae hink aboot that"

January 30th: Cauld

"You look like shit today" Say they tae I

"Thank you very much" Say I tae they "Ah hink thit ah've caught yer cauld"

"Do you not think you should go to your bed?" Wis ther next question

"How, wid a luik ony better in bed?" Enquire I

"You always look much better when you are out of earshot" Reply they

Huh!

Whit happened tae this ' In sickness an in health bit?'

It's guid tae see thit they huv managed tae resurrect thaimsel though, ah wis fer missin the abuse.