Just What And Just Why

Fog

A luik across the misty fields

An aw a see is fog

Thers nae wey ah'd be oot here

If it wisnae fur the dog

Ah'm gaun hame but he is no

Ah tell him ah want tea

He tells me thit he disnae

An it's ayweys me me me

Ah cuid take tea oot wey me

But it never wurks oot attaw

Yiv goat wan haun oan yer travel mug

The orrers haudin a slevery baw

We git back hame intae dryness

The hoose is as dark as the night

The dug sais he's wantin his dinner

Ah wull need tae turn oan the big light

Rain

Is it 9.25 in the mornin?

Ur is it 9.25 here at night?

It wid be nice tae huv wan day ae sunshine

Even wan dry day wie a wee bitty bright

Never in aw my ootside days

Cinna rememmer as much feckin rain

Thers no much ye cin dae aboot that though

Ah'm away oot tae git wet wance again

Some say thit the rains only watter

Orrers say thit ye might need a boat

But thers only two hings thit ah really need

That's ma wellies an watterproof coat

Mair Rain

Thers a rainbow coloured sky

Wie an eerie yella glow

Whit the sky is sayin this mornin

Ah really do not know

The clouds ur different colours

Maistly black an darker grey

Ah wonner whit the chances ur

Thit it wull rain oor here the day?

Fur the answer tae ma question

Ah did not huv long tae wait

Much watter fell doon fae the sky

Afore ah goat oot the gate

Ah dunno if that is drizzle noo

Ur jist a band ae fog

It disnae metter either wey

Ah'm gaun ootside, wie the dog

Ready Meals

Thers wis masel a ponderin

Oan whit tae make fur tea

But ah didnae need tae worry

They hud made stuff jist fur me

Thiv stuffed a few tortillas

Thers mince an tatties tae

So as the sayin goes oor here

Yer tea's oot byraway

Well, this phrase hus different meanins

It aw depends oan how it's said

Wan meanin is yer dinners oot

The orrer is 'Yer dead!'

So if ye come across a heidcase

Thits rantin oan aboot yer tea

Jist turn aroon an walk away

Ye'll be better aff, trust me

Mair Tea

Ah've loast a teabag in the teapot

It isnae up the spout

Ah've emptied it an rinsed it oot

But nohins in ther, nohin, nowt

Ah've loast a teabag in the teapot

Ah've nae idea wher it hus gaun

It isnae roon the haunel

An it isnae in ma haun

Ah've loast a teabag in the teapot

It probably hus burst

An loose tea leaves in yer cuppa tea

Jist dinnae quench yer thurst

Well, the teabag wisnae in the pot

It wis stuck inside the lid

So ah cin make a fresh pot noo

This auld teabag isnae hid

Internet

Ther Openreach oot at oor phone pole

Cause wir internets a laugh

Yer man sais he hus fixed it

But wir internets still aff

He then goes up the ladder

An he's scratchin at his heid

He sais tae me thers sumhin wrang

Yer internet is deid

So he went an goat this new wee boax

An he screwed back in the line

He sais that is you wurkin noo

Yer internet is fine

Ay? See ye next week!

Ah wonner how much they wee boaxes cost? They pit a new wan in every time they come oot!

Nail

Ah backed intae a rusty nail

But ah didnae huv concern

Until this scratch turnt nasty

An inflamed ma epiderm

So ah went tae see the doctor

An wie oot even a discuss

Stuck this big needle in ma erse

In case ae tetanus

So noo ah huv a sair erse

An huv tae take these pills

A bandage thits oor hauf ma back

Aw tae prevent further ills

Ther ye go, an Westminster wants tae flog wir NHS aff tae the corporates..They cin feckin bolt.

Oor Puddle

Ther is a great big muddy puddle

Thit lives oot in oor back lane

It rarely ever goes away

As it fills wie constant rain

Ah went oot that wey this mornin

The sun wis oot an it wis nice

But oor great big muddy puddle

Wisnae liquid, it wis ice

See cause this muddy puddle

Is nearly ayweys ther

Ah shuid huv bin aware ae it

Insteed baith feet went in the air

Well ah landed oan the slippy bit

An ma erse went through the ice

Cauld wet troosers in the mornin

Ah cin assure ye, isnae nice!

Morning Walk

When ah git masel up in the mornin

Ma clock disnae gie dark as the time

It jist sais thit noo is quite early

An Mr Dug reaffirms wie a whine

When the dugs needin oot in the mornin

He disnae tell me thit it's dark

He sais noo is the time ye need tae git up

If ye dinnae ah'm jist gaunny bark

Noo thit wir oot in the dark in the mornin

Ah need a torch fur tae see

Mr Dug must huv perfect night vision

Ur he follies his nose furra pee

WTF is that ah've jist stood in noo? 

Stranded

Ther isnae ony internet

Yer kiddin! Whit again?

How dae we book oor tickets

Furra seat upon the train?

Well it's jist like the guid auld days

When ye git oor tae the station

Ye go tae the ticket office

An tell thaim yer destination

They then gie you a ticket

Furra seat upon that train

An when ye git back intae Glesga

Ye huv tae dae the same again

Why? 

Cause yer travel cerd only takes ye tae Glesga, that's why.

Whit wid we dae wie oot the internet eh?

Still Aff

Wir internets still aff here

But the dug hus goat a baw

The cat hus goat a fluffy hing

They care not much attaw

Ah huv some hings ah need tae dae

Thit noo ur done oanline

But they cin wait anorrer day

Tae when the internet is fine

The sun is oot an shinin

An it isnae cauld the noo

So ah'm away oot furra dauner

Luiks like the dug is comin too

Mon en you, ur ye no bringin yer baw? 

Awrite, ye want me tae git that dae ye, the slevery wan ah take it?

The Tea

Ah'm hinkin whit tae make fur tea

But canny hink ae sumhin nice

Ah've taken oot some nice ingredients

En ah bile a pot ae rice

See it is a bit too early

Tae hink aboot the tea

So ah hink ah'll take the dug oot

He mair thin likely needs a pee

Yer daein too much hinkin

Hinks ma hinkin heid tae me

It wull aw be clear when you git hame

Whit nice tae make fur tea

But whitever nice ah make wull huv rice tae go wie it noo cause ah've awready made that, an ah've went aff the idea ae rice!

Stars

Ah woke up theday quite early

It wis still really dark

Ah went through intae the kitchen

An the dug he didnae bark

When ah luiked oot ae the windae

Ther wis stars oot shinin bright

Not a singel cloud up in the sky

Ah hink the day shuid be quite bright

Ther is a wee sprinklin ae frost

Ther is a wee nip in the air

But the sun husny come oot yit

Cause thers clouds noo, everywher

Wher did they come fae? They wirny ther ten minutes ago!

Oh, ther away noo..Heeeeucht!

November 30th St Andrews Day

Happy Birthday tae ma auld Da whae wid huv said:

Ah'll take a sip fur Andrew

The second wans fur me

The third wans fur that wee fat cant

Whae left us in France tae dee

December

Ah've goat a pile ae planked stuff

Tae wrap away fae pryin eyes

Ah canny wrap hings in the kitchen

Jings! Ah cuid end up wrappin pies

An ah need tae pay attention

Tae whit ah'm wrappin an fur who

Last year ma Grandson wisnae chuffed

Wey a brush tae clean the loo

Well it's time tae swer at sellotape

Swer at the scissors ah wull loose

Feck, here anorrer pile ae planked stuff

Ah hate wrappin hings, don't youse?

Haw heid, wull you an yer hauns stoap typin dribble, yer hauns ur needed oor here.

Teabags

Ah'm away tae make a cuppa tea

But thers three teabags in the pot

Ah dunno why thers three bags in ther

Three teabags seems an awfy lot

Ah'm only makin wan wee cup

An that wee cups fur me

Ma tea wull be like treacle

Wie bags wan an two an three

Ah canny take thaim oot noo

Cause these teabags ur wet

Ah'll jist puir in hoat watter

An leave this tea tae set

Concentrate heid, concentrate..Naw! Dinnae pit anorrer feckin teabag in the pot, Jingszo!