Cauld Rhymes
Grey
Ah got up this mornin
As the sun went doon
The skies turnt an angry grey
Dae ye hink thit it wull snaw attaw?
Ah'm afraid ah cuid'ny say
Wan hings fur sure it isnae plus
As some forecasts wid huv ye hink
Cause the watters no gaun doon the drain
Is feezin in the sink !
Ah've lagged the ootside 2 inch pipe
But this metters not wan jot
Wir pipes ur frozen unnergrun
Dig thaim up en? ..Naw, ah wull not!
How dis the wind chill factor manage tae freeze pipes thit ur unnergrun onywey?
Freezin
Ah took soup oot ae the freezer
An ah left it oan the sink
But ah wull leave that tae rammora noo
It might huv defrostit en? No hink?
Ah did the same wey burgers
An ah left thaim oan a plate
But ah'll jist pit thaim back inra fridge
They also need unfreezin afore ther ate
The heatins oan the sun is oot
But it's nearin hauf past three
It gits cauld noo when the sun goes doon
Whit wull we huv fur tea?
Cauld meat salad?
Lightbulb idea! Cheese an onion quiche wey hame made oven chips or a cauld meat salad ?
Why?
This big spiders in ma watterin jug
Wher a wee spider yased tae live
Dae ye hink the big wans ate it?
Ah hink it musta huv
But ah need the jug fur watter
So ah banged it aff the flair
That's when the beastie bolted
An made a dash taewards the ster
Wher dae you hink yer gaun?
Ye canny go oot ther
The big bad cat wull eat ye
En cough ye back up wey it's hayr
Yer better aff in aside the cheese plant wee beastie, you jist come wey me afore the cat judges ye!
Snaw
The burdies flee
an squawk below
This isnae rain
it's feckin snaw
The deer noo broon
So stick right oot
Shout 'We know wee burds'
'Whit's this aboot?'
En thers masel
Gaun doon the street
Sayin 'This isnae snaw'
'It's mair like sleet'
But ma big question
Tae this snaw
Is wull ye lie?
Ur wull ye no?
Mibbes ay's
An mibbes naws
Wir snaw theday
Jist comes an goes
Tae a Heid Cold
Ah feel asleep the back eh five
An at six next day woke up alive
This fillt masel wey joy an glee
But ah hud tae git up furra pee
Ah've either gaun senile an blin
Or caught a cauld ma nose lit in
But as ah staggered oor the floor
Ah stoated aff the bedroom door!
Aha..The case is sol-ved..Ye fell asleep wey yer readin glesses oan eejit.
The big question though is: How did they stay oan aw night, mair tae the point,why ur they still intact an no jist lensless twisted metal?
The Early Midgie
Thers a midgie oan ma tab screen
He's fur defo a wee male
Cause he hus'ny tried tae bite me
Or she did, but the bite did fail
So a blew it oan a hooseplant
An the windae ah huv shut
Cause ah'm no wantin it's wee sisters
Fleein in an daein ma nut
Is it no a wee bitty early fur yer Culcoides impunctatus? It's still cauld oot ther, en again, mibbes that wan jist woke up early.
It disnae metter noo onywey cause it jist flew up ma nose, so hus fun itsel covert in mucus an encased in bog roll!
The question is : Will this require cremation or burial?
Answers oan a postcard tae www.deidmidgies.com
Friday Doonpour
Right noo it is fer stoatin doon
Ah hink ah wull stay in
But whit aboot the messages
Like breid fur the breid bin?
See ah never even noticed
Ther wis nae yeast tae make the breid
It luiks like wance again the day
Raindrops ur fallin oan ma heid
But wull the store huv ony yeast
Tae make this daily breid?
Well if they huv'ny ony
Ye cuid git a loaf insteed
Ay awrite, ah've convinced masel, ah'm gaun tae the shoap, whers ma big coat an whit else dae we need?
Dinnae ask me, jist play it by ear!
Rainy Saturday
Ah fell asleep at hauf past five
An woke up at hauf past four
That wis indeed a long wee doze
Ah wonner if ah snore
See long grey days an long grey nights
Luik very much the same
Ma Circadian's must huv gone tae feck
An buggered up ma brain
Ah'm pittin oan the kettle noo
Quite early in the day
This voice is askin whits gaun oan
Ah'm makin tea, ah say
Meow..Guid mornin Mrs The Cat
Bark..Guid mornin Mr The Dug
Will Youfuckinshutup says the Higher Authority.
That wull be the hale hoose up en!
Summer Troosers
Ah opened up ma trooser drawer
An grabbed a per aw creased
They wir really nice an comfy
An fully lined wey fleece
Ah know wir summers oor here
Ur no exactly warm
But these fully fleece lined trackies
Wir designed fur winter storms
So as ah'm sippin oan ma tea
Ah hud a passin thought
Git anorrer per ae troosers san
These wans ur jist too hot
Well we huv + 16 degrees C theday which is no exactly Nanook ae the North werrer.
Ma big question is: How did this winter garb git tae the tap ae ma drawer?
Wee Spiders
Spiders spiders everywher
Ther is wan in the sink
Ye better climb this towel ma freen
Ur ye'll end up in the drink
The wee beasties haunt the cupboards
They live oot in the hall
Ah cert thaim oot the bedrooms
Afore ther splattered oan the wall
The cat she yased tae eat thaim
But this fad hus worn thin
Why dae so mony spiders
Choose tae live, no oot, but in?
The wee beasties dinnae borrer us, but the weans huv bin known tae contract a form ae arachnophobia known as 'Skelp the fecker wey a hammer' an this isnae guid fur yer plester!
Dry Lightening
The forecast says we huv high winds
En says thit we'll git lightnin
It disnae mention rain attaw
Dry lightnin seems mair frightenin
It is much cooler thin ae late
An this is nohin strange
But wull ah need a lightnin rod
Fur strollin up the range
When ah deek oot ae the windae
Ah see clouds movin awfy fast
So if it isnae rainin noo
Then ony rain must jist huv passed
So whit jaicket wull it be theday en, the shower proof ur the deluge proof?
The Fried Sunday Dinner
Ah'm makin chips tae huv fur tea
An thers sausages oot annaw
They dinnae want the sausages
Dae they hink ah care ataw?
They say thit they want egg an chips
But ah'm frying it in the air fryer
An ye canny poach an egg in that
Well ye cuid, but it wid be dire
So they tell me ye cin air fry eggs
But ah've tried that wan afore
The hings jist turn oot solid lumps
An ye cin bounce thaim aff the floor
Sausage, eggs, beans an chips is noo oan the menu...Onyhin else?
Aw the toast, sorry..
Jings! Cin ye dae toast in the air fryer annaw?
Sleepin Glesses
Ah goat up aw oot ae focus
En ah bumped intae the door
It wisnae a real dull wan
But ma glesses hit the floor
It wis en the problem hut me
Ah hud ma readin glesses oan
Well dinnae wer the hings tae sleep
That's the answer ther ma san
If life wis jist that simple
But ah canny read a book
Weyoot ma glesses oan ma face
Afar is wher ah luik
September The Furst
Ah wrote doon nice saft cream cheese
They came hame wie saft ice cream
En said it wis the same hing
Cin you see noo whit ah mean?
If ah wrote doon mair squeezy
They wid git a bag ae peas
En say the unrequired stuff
Wis fur defo doon tae me's
So fur harmony an happy
Ah go doon the store masel
An when they huvny goat a hing
Ah jist scream oot, feckinell
Ay, feckinell aw right, aw the Halloween stuffs in, whit wid ah want wie a witches hat an plastic pumpkin?
mmmmm? Naw!
September the 12th
Happy Birthday tae ma Smasher
Happy Birthday ma big son
Happy Birthday you ther Mrs Cat
Ah hope youse aw huv a guid wan
An guid luck tae youse the Uni weans
Thit ur movin oot ae hame
Yer Ma wull huv a quiet hoose
It jist wullny be the same
It's a big day tae rememer
This Septemer day the twelfth
Ye'll need tae take some photies
Mind an take some ae yer self
Silent Silent Sunday
It's really awfy quiet
Ther is nae sound attaw
No wan wee squawkin burdie
Ur weans playin wie a baw
Wir tourists must huv aw gaun hame
Fur noo wir oan oor ain
But they'll be back in a week ur so
Fur a weekend in the rain
Hing is it's gittin cooler
An the rain jist disnae stoap
This metters not a jot tae me
Ah'm gaun doon the shoap
Well thers nae milk, an swerin at yersel wullny resolve the metter.
Whers ma bag ae Om's an big coat?
Om Om Om..Of to the shoaps we go!
Monday Mornin Tracky Blues
Ah ayweys hing ma tracky troosers
Oor the back ae the swivel cher
But when ah reached oot this mornin
Ma tracky troosers wirny ther
Ah grabbed insteed a fleecy snood
Then stuck in ma left leg
Ma heid said sumhins wrang here
If yer pardon ah cuid beg
So en ah payed attention
An luiked doon oan the flair
Surprise surprise, lo an behaud
Ma troosers wir doon ther!
This is the trouble wie oversized hooded nightwer, ye canny see whit yer daein wie the hood up, cause it comes right oor yer heid an covers yer eyes!
Pulley
Thers washin hingin oan the pulley
An the soap smell makes me sneeze
Ah want tae open aw the windaes
But ootside ther is a breeze
It isnae very warm annaw
So the windaes wull stay shut
Ah will git a bit ae fresh air
When ah go oot wie Mr Mutt
It is that time ae year again
When ye dinnae need a washin line
Cause some days it's mibbes rainin
An orrer days jist urny fine
It disnae rain here every day
Some days it blows a hoolie
So it matters not a singel jot
Wet claithes ur safer oan the pulley
The Yappy Wee Dug
It wis jist aboot five in the mornin
Ootside it wis cauld an still dark
Yap Yap said a wee dug fae far far away
Mr The Dug in reply said bark bark
That's us up noo en, ah wull take it?
Lets go oot ther far intae the night
Ah cin swer at that yappy wee dug
An you cin git oan wie a shite
Well the yappy wee dug wisnae oot ther
Mr Dug didnae go tae the loo
The batteries flat oan ma heid torch
Whit the fuck ur we gaunny dae noo?
Luiks like the route hame is a blin scrammel through the brambles en!
October Sunday
It's dark, real dark, an ah mean dark
Even darker thin midnight
It is so dark thit here inside
We huv oan the big light
The sun jist husny slept in
It isnae here attaw
It's mibbes gaun oan holiday
Sumwher the werrers nice an braw
We huv the rain as usual though
This goes wie oot much sayin
The rains designed tae keep ye in
An no go ootside playin
But ah huv ma big wellies
An ah huv ma big coat
The only hing a dinnae huv
Is a kayak ur a boat
October Monday In The Dark
It wis 6.25 in the mornin
An far far away through the dark
Ah hear the sound ae a big breker drill
Fae the orrer side ae the park
Ah know thit this day is a Monday
But 6.25 is still night
How cin they see whit ther daein?
Mibbes they huv a spot light?
It sounds like ther daein a slappin
Tae knock a big hole in a waw
An it seems thit they like tae stert early
Well noo the hale toons up annaw
The craws an the seagulls dinnae sound too chuffed aboot this rumblin racket in the dark either.
Fall Back
Ah got masel up at hauf seven
It hud noo in fact turnt hauf eight
If ah hud got up noo oan Friday
Ah wid huv bin wan hour late
Oan Sunday ah like a wee lie in
But thedays wee lie in jist wis not
Cause ah woke up at six but noo it is five
Ma heid time hus aw gone tae pot
The clock oan the wa' tells me later
Ma phone sais it's early instead
The dug knows exactly whit time tae go oot
An the cat is away back tae bed
Guid mornin, ur efternin ur whitever the fuck time it is!
Halloween
Thers witches flyin oan ther broomsticks
The deid git up fae oot ther grave
Thers an extra place set at the table
So ye better sit ther an behave
Youse cin go ootside guisin
Ye cin dook fur apples if ye like
But dinnae piss the faeries aff
Jist dinnae, no the night!
See thers different cinna Sith oot ther
Some chainge shape an like some fun
Thers orrer wans thit drink yer blood
Ur cert ye aff far unnergrun!
Dinnae fuck wie the Sith mon, an dinnae feed yer Puca's thenight either !
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