Festival
This rhymin entry sterts at the end ae July, the weans huv ther music festival in a tent, an we huv thaim when ther no in ther tents, which is nice, plus ther an endless source ae information.
The Rhymin Wizard
The computer weans inform masel
Aboot the rhymin wizard
This gies ye wurds thit cinna rhyme
Like gizzard ur a blizzard
This wurks well fur rhymin Inglis
But in Weegie ah'm no sure
Weegie wurds ur no pronounced the wey
They ur in Inglis literature
So insteed ma rhymin diary
Will consist ae Glesga prose
If these wurds ryhme an fit in fine
Ah suppose no mony knows
See mony Weegie wurds huv mair thin wan meanin as this auld weel publicised Glesga coort case describes:
The witness explains tae the judge thit he went roon tae his brorrers furra tap.
The judge enquired if he hud a watter leak?
"Naw" Wis ther answer
Tae enlighten the judge the prosecutor asked the witness if he went roon tae his brorres tae borrow money?
Wance again "Naw" Wis ther answer
So the judge en asks the boy whit cinna tap he went roon tae his brorrers fur?
An the witness replied "A fitba tap"
Butefest Camping week
Wir campers stoat in wringin
Ye luik fer damp say I
Jist gie me aw yer washin
An ah'll hing it oot tae dry
Ther tents ur also drookit
An it only is day two
Noo ah've goat a pile ae washin
An ah canny git in the loo
Ah telt thaim it wid be better
Tae sleep in nice warm beds
Cause the Festies no tae Friday
But ther aff ther feckin heads
Ther gaunny git a cuppa tea
En go back oot again
A wonner whit the forecast is?
Jings! It isnae gaunny rain
Well no tae the weekend when the Festy sterts!
Butefest
We huv hunners nae thoosans ae people
Oor tae see aw the bands an the shows
But wher ur these people this mornin
It's a mystery, naebody knows
The toons gaun quite eerily silent
Thers no even a dug ur a bark
Thers only they big basart shitehawks
Ther gaun mental as faark
Ah'm gaun doon tae the shoaps really early
Cause we're gaunny need milk an bread
Ah huv tae go noo fur wir shoppin
Afore aw the tourists git up oot ae bed
Wull the store huv taken this influx intae account?
Wull they fuck!
Yet Anorrer Kettle
Ah need anorrer kettle
We only hud the two
Wan ae thaim wis leaky
An the orrer wan jist blew
A wid pit this doon tae overuse
But it's mair likely overfill
Cause the weans fill up the kettle
So when it biles it overspills
Ah hink ah'll git a plastic wan
They dinnae cost a lot
So if the feckin hing blows up
It metters not a jot
They huv'ny broke the lavvy seat yit which is a furst, that usually gits paggered oan day wan.
Fear not, ah huv a sper bog seat in the cupboard, in anticipation!
Festival Visitor Woes
Nae internet, nae internet
The people aw cry oot
Nae internet, nae internet
Whit is that aw aboot?
They go tae git directions
An en ye hear thaim shout
No internet, No internet
What is this all about?
Ye cin sometimes git the 4G
If yer right doon oan the shore
But dinnae wander far away
Ur the internets no more
Whits wrang wie only 2G
It gies ye peace an quiet
But if ye see some gear online
Tough, ye canny feckin buy it
Huvin nae internet must be bit ae a culture shock fur mony ah suppose!
The End
The festival hus feenished
Damp folk stroll doon the street
Thers tales ae real guid times bin hud
Fae everywan ye meet
The convoy is noo leavin
An aw ther horns peep
The tents ur gaun, guid freens wir made
An maist loast loads ae sleep
Farewell, adieu an adios
It wis nice tae huv youse here
Who knows, we mibbes see youse aw
Back oor again next year
Next up the Coo Show, this is when the park gits covered in shite ten days afore the Heilan Gemms
This is whit wir Heilan Gemms competitors noo sing
(It cinna goes wie The Campbells ur Comin ..Cinna)
Jings, ma caber's aw covert in shite, aw haw
Ma caber's aw covert in shite, aw haw
That cuid be a shot put
But ah wull'ny touch it
Ma caber's aw covert in shite, aw haw
Thers no mony coo's doon in this wee glen
Jist big herry muscly heifers ae men
Aw chuckin big logs en exclamin 'luik lads'
Ma caber's aw covert in shite, aw haw
Silent Sunday
It wis three thirty wan in the mornin
Ah looked oan at the darkness oot ther
Whit awoke me fae oot ae ma nice warm sleep
Wis the sound ae the shitehawks gaun sper
It wull'ny be long tae ther aff noo
Ther offski tae much warmer climes
But it's hard fur tae fun a nice usable wurd
Thit's no swerry an actually rhymes
Ah'm no gaunny stick oan the kettle
Ah'll go fur a quick pee insteed
En jump back in ma kip, pull up the sheets
An pit pillaes oan tap ae ma heid
Open Windae!
A drippin sound awakened me
In the middle ae the night
Thers watter oan the bedroom flair
Ah'll need a mop awright
It battered aff the windaes
I'ts runnin doon the gless
Ah'm gaunny need ma wellies oan
If wir gaun oot across the gress
Ye'd hink ah wid know better
Thin leave open a windae pane
Cause oor here, near every night
It pishes doon wie rain
It's gie dark an dreich this mornin
An ah huv oan the kitchen light
Ah'm no sure if this is daytime
Ur still the middle ae the night!
Nasal Hair
Ah've goat this herr growin up ma nose
An it's growin the wrang wey
It makes ma beak aw itchy
An it wull'ny go away
Ah've hacked at it wie scissors
Noo ah'm oan the prunin shears
Dae ye hink thit ah cin git it oot
Nae danger, naw nae fears
Ah thought aboot a blow lamp
This mibbes burn it oot
But it's too far up inside ma nose
Ah wid jist burn aff ma snoot
Wher dis this wire come fae
Thit grows in yer later life
If this grew oot a youthful nose
En it widnae git a wife
Washin
A fer wee breeze is pickin up
An it's no sae warm oot ther
Ah hink ah'll git the washin in
Afore it buggers aff elsewher
Ah dinnae hink it's gaunny rain
But the washin noo luiks dry
Cause wet washin tends tae hing an drip
Wheras dry fabrics tend tae fly
Thers tension oan the washin line
The pegs ur unner stress
So if ah dinnae grab the washin noo
Whit comes back in wull be much less
See thers nohin esoteric aboot this washin business ataw, it's aw aboot timin an werrer prediction.
Alarm Clocks
Ah didnae git up oot ae choice
Ah goat up furra pee
This evacuation cheered me up
So ah jumped aboot wie glee
En ah stuck oan the kettle
Fur a nice wee pint ae tea
An jist sat doon tae drink it
As the clock chimed hauf past three
Ah thought ah wid nip back tae bed
It wis comfy, felt like heaven
But en ma bladder shouted oot
Pish time, it's ten past seven
Whits the point ae alarm clocks, eh?
An whits the point in gittin up afore the hings go aff if yer jist gaunny sleep in onywey?
Screws
Ther is a rack in the big cupboard
It's neither huge nor is it small
Ah wis jist aboot tae move the hing
But it's screwed oan tae the wall
So ah took the screws oot wan by wan
Up tae noo they nummer nine
Ye wid huv thought a single screw
Wid huv held it ther jist fine
Ah pulled it an a yanked it
It wisnae until then
A noticed ther wis anorrer screw
In total that makes ten!
WTF is that aw aboot, ah wonner who fixed it tae the waw?
Dinnae luik at me.
Ah'm away tae pit a padlock oan the screw gun!
Sunday Dinner
Ah woke up wie it in ma heid
Thit oan this day ah wid make breid
Noo thit ah'm up an it's no that nice
Ah'm hinkin mair mince, beans an rice
The hing wie chili done con carne
Is ye make enough tae feed an army
Aw that hoat mince ye dinnae need
So insteed ah'm hinkin jist make breid
But ye canny live oan breid alone
Ah cuid luik up recipes oan ma phone
Cause the mince is oot an it's defrosted
Ah wull huv tae hink, jings ah'm near exhausted
So ah made some breid an rolls annaw
En manufactured wee mince patties
But ah dinnae know jist whit tae dae
Wie aw these big peeled tatties
Ah dunno why a peeled the hings
The plan wis tae make rice
Ah suppose ah cuid make loads ae chips
Wie burgers these go nice
See they wid say tae write a list
En ye wid know whit yer daein
But ah prefer tae play by ear
Ur ye stupid, this goes weyoot sayin
That wull be the tea made en, whit cin ah dae noo thits excitin?
The Pilates Ball
Ah hear a shout, whits that about
Thers a beastie in the cellar
Ah wonner whit size this wan is
A monstrous hauf inch feller
Whit ur ye daein away doon ther
Wher aw the beasties crawl
Yer luikin fur a mega sized
Big rubber pilates ball
Thers two ae thaim an ther no doo ther
Ther in the cupboard in the hall
But ah huv'ny goat a pump fur ye
Tae inflate this type ae ball
Ye'll take it tae the garage
An blow it up wie compressed air
Ah dinnae feckin hink sae
Ye'd blow yersel up while yer ther!
Gremlins
The washin machine is gaun radge
Ah'm telt it's how ye pit hings innit
See ah jist fire in aw the claithes
Is ther anorrer wey tae fill it?
Ye huv tae sort the washin oot
An build up yer full drum load
Wheras ah jist squeeze the washin in
An hope it's no gaunny explode
Ah've tried the washin nicley layered
But the hing still goes spinnin sper
Ther must be a wee Gremlin beast
Hidin somewher inside ther
Wet Gremlins, ooooft! The wee basarts wull be in the cooker next.
Storm Floris
Ah wandered in tae the back bedroom
Luikin fur a plant tray ur big plate
But thers stoor aroon the fireplace
An two hauf Niddries in the grate
It widnae take a genius
Tae suss oot whit ah hud found
The feathers must huv come loose
An due tae gravity hit the ground
Ah huv'ny goat a ladder
Long enough tae reach that lum
So ah hink ah'll phone the roofer
But he's busy so might no come
An he wull be busy theday cause a dinnae suppose ah'll be the only wan roon here wie a loose chimney can!
The Rawlplug
Thers a rawlplug stickin oot the waw
Ah says Naw dinnae pull it!
Ah'll drill the hing oot ae it's hole
Jist afore ah fill it
But naebdy ever listens tae me
So noo wull need mair plester
It's jist as weel ah daunered in
An avertet pure disaster
Ther isnae wan thers mair thin two
An they urny aw jist dooks
The big wans ur expandin bolts
Thit cling tae wa's like fishin hooks
Whit dae ye mean ye cin still see wher they wir? Ah've no painted oor the filler yit, the stuffs goat tae dry furst..Jings!
Parcel
Ther is a parcel oan the wey
Ah'm telt no tae go oot
Ah signature is whit they need
Whit is that aw aboot?
Thanks tae the oanline safety bill
Ah need tae gie ma date ae burth
En sign a phone wie squiggly lines
Fur two jerseys ana purse
They say ther is a crackdoon
Nae metter whit ye buy
Ah'd like tae meet whae thought this up
An poke thaim in the eye
Well, ah wid rether gie thaim a guid hard kick in the baws, but that didnae rhyme
The wee sma hours
Ah woke at hauf four in the mornin
An no cause ae they shitehawks
Ah woke at hauf four in the mornin
Thanks tae ma alarm clocks
Well ah widnae caw thaim clocks per se
Ther oan ma tab an phone
But when ah set these hings tae ring
Is a definite unknown
Furst ther wis joyous singin
An no the usual ping, ping, ping
Next played the auld band Focus
Wie ther classic House Of The King
Guid Mornin
August..Beware! This is the stert ae snotty nose season an guess whit?
Man Flu
Ma eyes ur rid an streamin
Ma nose is runnin like a tap
An no jist that,ah also feel
Like utter feckin crap
It's no a chainge in the werrer
Cause it rains here every day
So ah've mibbes caught an autumn cauld
Thits blew oor here fae far away
Ah wull jist pit oan the kettle
An huv a nice wee pint ae tea
Cause the chances ur fer slim indeed
Sumdy will take pity oan infected me
Some caw this only man flu
Thits merley in yer head
Well the snotters urny in ma hair
Ther maistly drippin oan ma bed
When ah dae git up ramorra
Ah hope this cauld is gone
Cause they want tae go oot sumwher
They cuid be gaun oot oan ther own
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