Early

July an August hus bin a busy couple ae months oor here in the Wild Jist West Ae Glesga, as weel as bein a mixed bag werrer wise. 

No jist huv we hud the usual daily stoatin doon, we huv also hud periods ae El Scorchio!

Ay, in Scotland, durin August?

So due tae masel bein busy, wet an hoat, ah huv wance again condensed this diary entry intae wee lines thit sometimes rhyme.

Well whits the point in scribblin doon ten paragraphs ae utter dribble when a couple ae lines ae the same dribble written in poetic licence describes the same sequence ae events?

Too Early

Ah goat up early in the mornin

An nohin seemed tae rhyme

The clock wis gaun oan 5.00 o'clock

It must huv bin the time

So ah jist made soup in the big pot

An aw fell intae sync

Ma wurld wis stertin tae rhyme again

Which is no as easy as ye hink

See a world thit disnae rhyme tae me

Seems confused an aw messed up

But en ah saw the problem

Ther wis nae tea in ma teacup

It's forecast tae be hot theday

An ah huv jist made soup

Fae a recipe ah didnae git

Oot ae ony auld cook book

Well if this soup disnae git eaten

In the freezer ah wull stick

Cause ramorra here it probably

Wull be wet an pure Baltic

So ah'm away tae pit the kettle oan

Fur a nice wee pint ae tea

En figure oot whits gaun oan

Ur if thers somehin wrang wie me?

The Coo Show

It wis the day efter wir Coo Show

An thers fencin roon the park

Ye dinnae want tae venture

Intae ther when it is dark

Thers coo shit oan the shinty field

Thers sheep shit oan the gress

An whit the llamas huv pooped oot

Is anybodies guess

The plan noo is fur it tae rain

An wash away this shite

But wull it rain in torrents?

Mibbes naws, but it mibbes might

See next up is oor heilan gemms

Oan this very same bit gress

So if the poo's no washed away

Competitors wull end up in a mess

Ther kilts will be clan colours

Some tartans ur quite bright

Orrers ur quite dark an dull

But aw end up coo shite

The Phantom

Sumbdy jist came intae ma hoose

Ah heard the click ae the front door

But whae ever jist came in the hoose

Isnae in here anymore

It must huv bin somebody known

Cause bark the dug he didnae dae

Ah wonner wher thiv goat tae noo

They cin not be far away

So ah daunered through the front room

An aw the clues wir ther

A coat an tatty schuil bag

Tells me whae wis jist in ther

*The Phantom! A completly silent entity tae they open ther mooth.

Pressies

Ah planked some birthday pressies

Away fae pryin eyes

See the hing wie birthday pressies

Is ther apposed tae be surprise

Well ma plankin spot wis jist nae guid

An they huv fun these parcels

Cause plankin in yer bottom drawer

Is jist fur feckin arseholes

As luck wid huv it ther aw wrapped up

In nice shiny wrappin paper

So they dinnae know whits in hings

They'll no fun this oot tae later

*Thers nohin secret in this hoose, this is the problem, they pressies cuid weel be fur ther Xmas even although the wrappin paper hus Happy Birthday printed oan it! 

Dis this metter?

Bomb

The craws ur crawin mental

The gulls ur squawkin up the road

But this wee burds gaun beep-beep-beep

Like it's gaunny jist explode

Ah dunno whit cinna burd it is

Cause it's hidin in the trees

But if it goes bang in hauf an hour

En ther wull be nane ae these

It wid be guid tae huv thaim as yer freens

Ye cuid invite thaim tae yer meetins

The cher wid scream evacuate

Afore the minutes ur the greetins

*The burdies huv aw calmed doon noo, ah wonner wher that wans away tae?

The August Heat Wave

We huv full internet theday

Thers a green light oan the router

But it's far too hoat tae sit inside

So ah'm off tae perts mair outer

It far too hoat ootside annaw

Ah mibbes come back inner

An make somehin thit is nice an cool

We cin aw huv fur wir dinner

It far too hot inside here noo

So ah'm gaun back oot again

It's August an no Baltic here

Noo tell me that's no jist insane

*Ay ah know, thers nae pleasin some people, mony wid be happy wie baith internet an El Scorchio at the same time.

Dry

The sun is oot

The sky is hazy

Mr Dug hud a sniff

At a nice wee daisy

It's nae guid tae me

He groand wie dislike

This flooers no covert

In nice fresh coo shite

So doon at the loch

Wher the watter is cauld

He hud a wee sniff

At somehin real auld

This is mair like it

He barked oot wie glee

Ah wull jist roll in this

As it smells guid tae me

Git yersel oot ae ther

Ya manky canine

Shout I at the dug

But he thought this wis fine

So jist cause the coo shit

Hus dried up oot ther

Thers ay somhin else

Nice tae roll in, beware!

That Roastin Hoat Sunday in August

Ah thought ah wid nip doon the store

Fur somehin cool tae drink

But thers nae buses runnin up theday

An this hills steeper thin ye hink 

It's easy gittin doon ther

Cause yer headin doon the wey

But wance ye've reached the bottom

Ye luik back up, an feck ye say!

So ah grabbed some tins ae nice cauld beer

It's no often ah imbibe

But this isnae normal werrer here

It's 24 degrees ootside!

*Ah cuidny gie a monkeys aboot the nights tea , ah'm jist gaunny sit in a bucket ae cauld watter til bedtime!

Oot

Ah huv bin oot an noo ah'm in

But ah'm noo gaun right back oot

So jist afore ma jaickets oan

Ah thought ah'd post this toot

Ye git confused gaun oot an in 

En gaun back oot again

Sometimes ah really dinnae know

Exactly whit ah'm daein

So ah've got ma jaicket oan again

As thers sumhin thit needs daein

But whit this daein sumhin is

Naebdy in ma heid is sayin

*Whits the point in the note board if ther jist gaunny communicate verbally, eh?

Think heid, think, ye wir telt this hing at teatime yesterday.

Friday

Whit hus yersel bein daein 

Say thaim luikin at me

Well ah took the dug oot furra walk

An ah didnae make the tea

We daunered up the coo parks

We strolled oor the auld gouff rink

An the dug never shit in wan wee hole

Cause it's no as easy as ye hink

So ah jist phoned up the chippy

An telt thaim you wid prefer fish

Ah ordered a pie supper

Cause fish swim in ther ain pish

*Well, ah dusted the livin room, but naebdy notices these hings, ah dinnae even hink thit a stuffed fish wid notice that?

The Sunday Milk

The milk ah goat oan Friday

Wis left oot oor night

It's went aw cinna lumpy

And disnae taste quite right

So ah'm away doon tae the shoap

An see if they huv ony coo

Git mulk oan a busy Sunday?

Yer huvin a giraffe noo

But as the fates wid huv it

They huv milk in the store

So ah wullny need tae drink ma tea

Black wie lemon ony more

*Ay, whae left the milk oot eh?.. Erse

It's too feckin thick tae pour doon the sink noo, ah cuid mibbes make cheese wie it. Whit dae ye hink?

 Next up fur Sunday

Ah've went an loast ma glesses

Ay ah huv anorrer per

But they wans dinnae fit me

Like the wans thit urny ther

Ah wonner wher ah left the hings?

Wher did ye huv thaim oan?

When ah wis payin fur the messages

Ther doon the store en san

Ah'm no gaun way back doon ther

Ah wull jist gie thaim a phone

Dae you huv a per ae glesses ther?

Cause ah dinnae huv mine oan

*Ay, that's wher they ur, lyin doon the store exactly wher ah took thaim aff ma nose.

Note tae sel : Ye really need tae git yersel wan ae they chord hingies thit the granny  generation yase tae tie ther readin glesses roon ther necks.

Bin

Thers cracklin comin fae the bucket

An it isnae Mrs Cat

Whit is the bucket sayin tae me

An whit cinna noise is that?

It wid be doon the bottom

Ae the nearly full up bin

It's a taped up bit ae plastic stuff

Thits cracklin deep whithin

See the tape jist didnae haud it

Noo this plastics thrice the size

It's much mair thin wis rammed in ther

Well that's nae big surprise

*Gaunny stoap writin pish an jist empty the feckin bucket en, ya haufwit.

Ay, awrite.

Wellies

The sun hus jist come oot noo

It poored doon aw last night

Ootside is a manky quagmire

An ma wellies urny right

Ther is that dreaded squelchin

When ye know ye huv a leak

But this holes only in wan wellie

So ah've no goat two wet feet

That wull be masel back hame again

Wher ah pull baith ma feet oot

An fun ah huv wan dry sock

The orrers soakin in the boot

*Ah dinnae want tae talk aboot wellies, see modern day wellies, ther pure shite so they ur!

Towels

Ah rounded up some towels

An pit thaim intae the machine

The idea gaun through ma heid

Wis tae git thaim nice an clean

But thers different cinna towels

Ther purpose isnae aw the same

Thers some fur dryin dishes

Some fur the dug when he gits hame

Dis it even really metter

If ther aw in the same wash?

Ur will we git herry dishes?

Tough, ah cuidny gie a toss

*Wir dishes wull git herry onywey at this time ae year, cause Baith Mr The Dug an Mrs The Cat huv decidet tae ditch ther summer coats.

So ther ye huv it, ma condensed interpretation ae events through July an August 2025, which even wie ma use ae rudimentary poetic licence, dinnae ay quite rhyme aw the time.