Hoovers






The vacuum vacuum cleaner evolved from the carpet sweeper via manual vacuum cleaners. The first manual models, using bellows, were developed in the 1860s, and the first motorized designs appeared at the turn of the 20th century, with the first decade being the boom decade.

The end of the 19th century saw the introduction of powered cleaners, although early types used some variation of blowing air to clean instead of suction.

One appeared in 1898 when John S. Thurman of St. Louis, Missouri, submitted a patent (U.S. No. 634,042) for a "pneumatic carpet renovator" which blew dust into a receptacle.

Thurman's system, powered by an internal combustion engine, traveled to the customer's residence on a horse-drawn wagon as part of a door-to-door cleaning service.

In 1901 powered vacuum cleaners using suction were invented independently by British engineer Hubert Cecil Booth and American inventor David T. Kenney


Thursday night, really really late

The skies wir clear an the night wis still,so while the dug wis at his ablutions ah thought thit ah wid spend a wee ten minutes or five huvin a deek up at the stars, jist tae see if ther wir any visible an possibly hazardous asteroids headin in this direction, meteorite showers ,space debris ,Space X launched Telsa Roadsters or UFO's illuminating the tenebrous vacuum or emblazingly combusting through the atmos.

Anyway ther wis not a lot happenin skyward as it clouded over as soon as the dug had a pish ,the only hing noticeably untaeward oot ther in the blackness wis this eerie an disconsolate acoustic reverberation waftin through the orrewise silence of the night, but this seemed tae be emanating fae an Easterly and very earthly location of rether close proximity ,a source thit ah managed tae locate quite easily, weyoot huvin tae procure any sophisticated technologically enhanced astronomically expensive professional cosmological equipment.

You see ma next door neighbor ,who is a multi instrumentalist eh some renown ah might add, only bein 83 year auld ,still likes tae huv a wee rehearsal tae himsel fae 11.00 o'clock onwards of an evening or morning ,depending oan yer personal circadian rhythms point eh view.
Anywey by the sound eh hings ,it wid seem thit yer man hus acquired a new instrument fur this evenings melodical,an Aztec Death Whistle, Polynesian Nose Flute or somehin alang those lines.
And do you know whit ? He's fer pickin it up !

See that's the trouble wey auld stane hooses like these, the solid walls ur only aboot two fit thick, so sound tends tae travel ,especially in the silence of the night an extraspecially Bach's Little Fuge in Animal Screech Major ! 

But anyway it's guid tae hear thit the auld yin cin still produce these loud demonic an seriously disconsolate euphonious tones which huv been known tae reverberate fur miles around the locality,and sometimes even fur maist eh the night, an cin ah jist say thit moi personally wis really saddened tae hear thit his auld bagpipes wir noo beyond repair ,fortunately his trumpet,trombone an bellow organ are still in full workin order .

Ay well yer man is really awfy nice an wan eh ma favorite people ,it's jist unfortunate fur the dug an everywan else resident in the surrounding area thit he disnae exactly huv a total grasp oan reality these days ,or a fully functioning clock.





Which leads me oan tae Friday

An afore youse stert screamin ' Right you ya bampot, that will be two days eh yer total pish an drivel yer imposing oan us here ,wan day eh yer utter shite is hard enough tae git through in a singel perusing ,noo yer expecting us tae decipher two days worth eh this complete illiteracy'

An believe you me muckers,ah hear whit yer sayin here,an cin quite unnerstaun yer aversion tae continue further ,fur the simple reason it's moi here thit's writing this gash ,so ah know whit's comin next .

But if youse cid withhold yer grief fur five an permit wan tae state in he's defence ,today's diary entry only luiks like it is coverin a two day period because, fur the reasons explained above it hus tae stert really really late oan Thursday night tae gie youse the completely  irrelevant background information required tae set the completely irrelevant scene .
And in actual factuality the entry is only based oor wan 24 hour period seein as ah didnae stert recordin this particular journal addition until 1.00 a.m. oan Friday mornin, simply cause ah cuidn'y git tae fuckin sleep fur the (now relevant scene setting background information reasons ) mentioned above  .

Right, noo thit we huv cleared up ma confusion ,cin ah git oan wey Friday or ah will never finish this entry the day and before we know it, we will be intae Saturday and if ah finish ma screivin at wan minute efter midnight we wid be intae anorrer day ,so ah wid therefore be required by the strict terms of The Diarists Law ,tae turn the page oor tae the next days entry !

And we all know what happens when this happens ,don't we ?

Exactly ,only confusion occurs 
Just as wey yer Inglis Main Stream Media an the States Broadcasting Bullshit Continuously
We wid normalise the reporting of Yesterday's News Tomorrow .

Right en, this is us oan tae Friday durin the day time noo :-

Ah um jist emphasising this point once again incase like masel an ma auld neeghbor ,ther might happen tae be some eh youse oot ther who unfortunately huvn'y got a dinky doo whit time eh the day or month eh the week it is .
Or even if like masel, you huv completely lost the plot an noo find yersel wey nae idea whatsoever at whit point in this gibberish we huv reached, that's if ther even is a point ,which ah very much doubt, but otherwise jist might still be intrigued enough wey this ongoing confusion tae continue further in the off chance it might end.

But panic not ,we are actually gittin ther because as ah mentioned previously ,ther hus tae be a fur definite conclusion or final summary tae this days diary entry afore midnight or the page turns.

* ( Note tae wans sel :  Fuckin git oan wey it )

Point taken masel : So wey oot further ado I shall continue wey oot further interruption right noo :- 

OK this is us finally oan tae : Friday durin the day time noo 

Friday Morning 

Ah wis home alone the day unsupervised,so decided tae be destructive fur a chainge an freshen the hoose up a wee bitty by daein some light hoosework.
So wey the decision thit some labour wis required aroon the gaff made ,away ah mirthfully toils ,joyfully swinging the fluffy hing oan a stick oor this an flickin a tea towel at that ( which is a really guid way tae move dust aboot I might add, it saves you movin the ornaments or any orrer obstruction thits preventing yer hoosehold dust fae becoming airborne).

Finally ,efter nearly an hour ,ah managed tae git the place lookin jist as if ah hud never touched it ,well nearly ,apert fae they two or three broken ornaments ,an mibbes the slight evidence eh the dirt that fell oot the plant pot thit ah knocked oor due tae ma final overzealous thrust wey ma fluffy sword oan a stick .

You see ah find the best wey tae remove dust fae an obstacle such as a large plant residing oan an occasional table ,is tae treat the object as a fencing opponent ,so by transforming an innocuous fluffy hing oan a stick intae a deadly dust busting rapier ,it usually only requires a couple of flicks the odd parry an a riposte afore the dust is swiftly an easily dispatched fae baith the opposing plant and offensive item eh furniture.

Unfortunately today this wisnae the tables usual resident Aspidistra ah wis up against , today ah wis up against a very large rather tangled an very experienced vine ,if you know anything at all about these plants you will know that they make truly formidable dust fencing opponents.

All was going well,the dust was nearly defeated ,the honours seemed to be mine until my final lunge,it was at this point the fuckin cheating bastard eh hing caught ma fluffy stick in a hauf nelson then wrestled itsel oan tae the flair spillin it's manky black compost aw oor the shop .

But ah never panicked an jist kicked the muck unnerneath the big rug an will ignore that fur a day or three until it dries oot a wee bitty an becomes mair manageable ,then at a future date ,if ah actually remember tae sweep it up ,this muck shuid leave fewer black streaks oan the flair.

* That's anorrer very handy Top Tip by the way : If you do happen tae knock a big pot plant oor which is filled wey that really black manky wet compost ,and you are fortunate enough tae huv laminate or linoleum flairin and a big rug ,then jist lift the rug an kick the shit unner the hing ,leave it fur two tae five days tae dry oot ,then simply hoover it up .
That is if you rememmer thit you've kicked the shit unner the rug five days later ,but even in a case of forgetfulness ,all is not lost .
No Siree ,I have in the past come across a completly forgotten crunching sound unner the rug up to a month later and found that by this time, the composted debris had formed intae a solid mass which wis then easily picked up by hand and thrown back into the previously disturbed internal shrubberies pot.

I digress and urgency dictates thit ah shuid git back tae the feckin gist pronto ,cause the seconds ur ticking away towards the page turn !

Well anywey, ah hud jist finished the daily chore an wis sittin doon tae a nice pot eh Scottish Blend tea when in stoats the Higher Up Wan ,and dae ye know whit the furst hing they sais tae I wis efter aw ma sweat an fencing toil ? 
Yip you guessed it,the very furst wurds Hawkeye ther verbally communicates tae ma teacup, wey oot even a how the fuck ur you or the hoose is luikin relatively intact,aimed in masels direction ,wis "What are all those marks on the quilt covers ?"

Unfased by ther superhuman observational capabilities, moi here calmy an collectedly replied tae they  "Well seein us ye huv'ny noticed ,ah huv jist finished dustin everyhin.
And wid ye please sit doon ,huv a nice wee cuppa tea until ah a git yersel prepared fur this next statement ."

So efter ther sat doon ,comfy an loaded wey an nice cuppa tea an a buiscuit , ah thought this wid be the opportune moment tae release ma prewritten statement :

"I would just like to say that I am perfectly aware thit ah'm no permitted tae touch the hing wey oot written authorisation or adult supervision ,but a got your hoover oot the big cupboard an hoovered everyhin as well !

An thers nae point in sterin it me like that, ah hud nae choice in the matter, as soon as ah hud dusted everyhin ,the dust jist resettled itsel everywher.


Admittedly ,and oan hindsight ah shuid mibbes huv hoovered the quilts afore the couch an the flairs ,especially that dirty bit eh the flair thit the compost landed oan.

So in answer tae yer question, the marks oan the quilt covers ur nae mair thin wee streaks aff the hoover wheels.
An mibbes the cylinder brush annaw ! "



At first ther wis only sterin like the final shoot oot scene in the movie The Good  The Bad and The Ugly, then only silence befell this now unhappy household.

 

 

 

If you huv nae idea why the Higher Up Wan becomes vexed or even frantic at the slightest mention thit masel might jist perhaps huv accidentally yased ther hoover fur an emergency ,cin a jist say thit moi here hus no exactly got a wan hunner percent proficiency record when it comes tae hoovers, or any orrer household electrical appliances fur that matter .But personally, ah huv only broken four or five eh ther personal hoovers oor the years ,an personally ah managed tae actually fix wan eh these masel !

So it is fur this reason, the operation of hoovers, liquidiser's or blenders alang wey several orrer labour saving electrical devices, hus either been severely limited or completely restricted  by the appliance owner, even although it wis mair thin probably masel thit purchased many of these labour saving devices.

And ah dae actually tend tae agree wey the Competent Person ,thit unless supervised by a fully conscious adult, these complicated devices ur best left alane by masel !


Well seein as it hus gone aw quiet here fur noo , this a wee  taster eh whit an Aztec Death whistle sounds like , an ah wid presume thit moi here will probably be hearin the real McCoy very shortly ,cause it luiks like the Higher Authority hus jist nipped next door tae borrow ma neighbors .

 






Links :

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vacuum_cleaner


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NlzT4zKFew

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