Cold
Scotland's Weather
One of the most surprising things about Scotland's climate is how much it varies from one place to another.
It's often the case that you can drive for 20 minutes and find the conditions are different.
The unpredictable nature means it's not uncommon to experience all four seasons in one day!
DID YOU KNOW?
In Scotland, we have an old proverb: 'Today's rain is tomorrow's whisky.'
The eastern part of the country, from Inverness across to Aberdeenshire and down to Angus, Fife and the Lothians, enjoys an annual rainfall that is actually similar to (or less than) New York, Barcelona, Rome or even Rabat in Morocco.
Dundee is Scotland's sunniest city, with an average of 1,523 hours of sunshine per year.
The long daylight hours means that you could play a round of golf in the middle of the night on Orkney and Shetland.
Long dark winter nights are the best time to see amazing constellations of stars at Scotland's designated Dark Sky areas.
The Gulf Stream brings warm winds to Scotland's west coast. You can find palm trees in the Highland coastal town of Plockton.
Strong winds driving in from the Atlantic and North Sea make the Outer Hebrides and Sutherland a paradise for windsurfers.
Wednesday - Really Early
Ah got up at the crack eh dark this mornin .
'Are you feckin mental ?' I hear any doubters enquire.
Well this is debatable ,but the state of ma neural circuitry wisnae the reason ah hud tae arise, ma bladders storage capacity hud passed red oan the full guage,so it wis either briefly warm the bed then suffer future discomfort an possible electrocution or expell ma accumulated waste fluids in the appropriate discharge unit.
Noo ah'm drinkin ma tea tae replenish this voluminous loss hinkin ,it's feckin Baltic the day is it no ?
So ah'm oan ma third pot eh tea but somehins still no quite right the day .
Better check yer apparel ,hinks I tae me
So ah gets oot the Baltic wear roster an dis an inventory eh whit ah actually huv oan.
boxer shorts √
cotton socks √
long johns √
lightweight huggable hoodie fleece √
fleecy hooded onesie √
fleecy hoody snood √
faux fur lined cardy √
long wooley sea boot socks ..No!
double lined tracky bottoms ..No!
Ther ye go ,problem solved, ma bottom hauf wis practically naked !
Well ah wisnae feelin incredibly enthusiastic this morning fur the simple reason ah wis jist preparing masel tae venture oot in this cauld, far intae suburbia's winter wilderness in order tae procure essential provisions .
But by the time ah wis fully enclothed ah thought tae masel ,here ther is a serious temperature rise noo is there no ? It must be at least plus five or six somehins .
An here's moi jist kitted himsel oot in the above mentioned , an that's afore ah've even stuck ma big coat oan !
At this point ah concluded thit perhaps a shuid remove an item ,no jist fur ma thermal comforts sake but also tae relieve the tensional stress this multitudinous garb wid place oan the seams of ma big coat.
After some deep thought the item chosen tae be discarded wis the onesie.
Ten minutes later efter removing the tap layer, climbing oot the onesie then recladding ma personage, ah set ma compass in a shoppingly direction and opened the front door. eeeeecks and tae fuurrk !
Know whit?
Ah've chainged ma mind ,the internal microclimate might huv seemed temperate but oot ther in suburbia's wind-chill factor (somehin a hudn'y factored intae ma thermal calculations) it wis a different bucket of Arctic icicles,so wey some haste ah pit the hing back oan afore hypothermia set in then squeezed intae ma big coat an away a thermally insulated masel doon the street tae the shops !
Anywey doon the street ah bumps intae ma mucker who runs a wee Bed and Breakfast .
He wis tellin me thit they jist hud a mob eh tourin gastronomic masonic haunshakes oor fae across the pond in search eh yer traditional bards night supper .
So while the haggis quest ur doon fur their Traditional Full Scottish breakfast ,wan eh the culinary aprons enquiries " What exactly would your Traditional medieval Scattish High-Lander Peasant actually have had for their breakfast ? "
So the mucker pours oot a gless eh watter, places it oan the table an sais " Ther ye go ,but traditionally they wid huv yased ther hauns " While gesturing how to drink from his now cupped hands.
This satirical intent seemed tae go doon well wey the internationals who found it rether amusing as the only factual historical information they have aboot the country was gleaned fae the Mel Gibson film Braveheart or whits written oan the bottom eh shortbried tins.
I suppose it is hard to explain tae yer International tourist ,especially when you are catering for them and serving up what is called these days 'The Traditional Full Scottish Breakfast ' now widely portrayed in Scottish Tourist brochures as traditional eighteenth century fare, that traditionally in those bygone days of highland peasantry,there was no such feckin thing ,an maist eh yer heilan peasants fae roon aboot the 1770's were mair thin probably yer genealogical tourists starvin immigrant ancestors .
See back in those days ,cooking wis usually done oan the open fire in the hooseholds wan an only mingin manky multi purpose pot, breakfast wis dinner an supermarkets hudn'y been invented .
Anywey where the fuck wid yer four hunner an odd years tae the previous, medieval highland peasant of auld, livin miles fae naewher oan a wild an windswept moor or in the deepest depths of the dark forest huv actually procured a full breakfast pack or tattie scones fur that matter or Inglis pan breid or a few aff the vine tomatoes alang wey a tin or three eh Co-Op beans ?
Admittedly they might huv hud the odd egg, that is if by some chance either thaimsels,the wolves or some orrer ravenous weaselly predator hudn'y awready eaten ther chickens.
But as fur the links ,squer slicin ,black puddin an sliced haggis ,it wid probably huv been easier fur yer peasant of auld tae git ther hauns oan Deep Fried Guava's in Pickled Capybara Droppings in the 12th or 13th century thin a full feckin breakfast pack .
But right at that precise moment though, the thought of a full Scottish breakfast seemed tae stir ma wee impulsive an noo salivating neurons ,these ingredients wid also be jist the job tae warm ma wee cock-a-leekies oan this cauld winters day .
So fur this impulsive reason, purchase a full breakfast pack was exactly whit ah did.
Fast forward hauf an hour :-
Ah got back hame ,took aff ma big coat ,nothing more, nothing less, an wis jist layin the preparations fur an early death when in stoats the Higher Up Wan who immediately ,an wey some fanfare I might add, produces this big packet eh digestive biscuits fae within ther bag fur life ,sticks the hings oan the bunker ,then they an ther noo closed tote bag sit doon at the kitchen table tae announce " I've got some Ginger Nut biscuits as well..Do you want some ?"
Well efter forty odd year eh harmonious bliss ,whit ah want tae know is :
Firstly : What is some ?
Secondly : How come the Ginger Nuts wirn'y openly declared an ur still concealed within the tote bag ?
And thirdly : Whit else undeclared is planked away in that bag ?
Ther maist obscure answer though wis in reply tae ma furst question of 'What is some ?'
This answer wis, in ther ain wurds: " Well it was buy two packets and get the third half price "
" Jist wait a minute until ah git ma Polis notebook an pencil oot here ".. Sais I.. " You huv a few questions tae answer dae ye no "
So following standard investigative procedure ,afore ah sterted the interrogation as per the Geneva Convention :Article 3 ,paragraph 1: Which requires humane treatment for all persons under suspicion of biscuit concealment, withoot any adverse distinction ,specifically prohibiting murder, mutilation, torture, cruel, humiliating and degrading treatment, scratching, biting, hair pulling or unfair trial.
Ah forewarned the Higher authority thit they hud the right tae remain silent while helpin me wey ma enquiries and thit at present no charges wir being preferred as at this early stage in the investigation we were merely checkin the facts.
And also no tae worry because ther wis nae immediate necessity fur masel tae erect a tent in the front gairden unless they wir desirous thit ah should do so.
Then as per the Universal Declaration of Ah'll Dae Whit Ah Likes ,I read back tae thaim in person ma interpretation of ther statement of facts in order that they could sign oan ma forehead tae confirm ther admition .
At this stage in the investigation the facts as recorded by That fuckin Bampot ur as follows.
Fact 1 : Oan entering the premises you removed fae yer bag ,wan number packet eh crap biscuits which you then placed oan the bunker .You then declared that this product was to be shared equally between oorsels .
Fact 2 : Yourself along with the rest of the undeclared contents enclosed within your environmentally friendly shopping bag then retreated to the vicinity of the kitchen table, from here you announced that you had also procured a second packet of biscuits,these biscuits though were of a superior quality to that of the gash laid oot oan the kitchen worktop fur equal share. Next,and to your credit,you openly admitted that if the occasion arose ,you may have been prepared to part with the number 'Some ' of your cookie stash.
Fact 3 : When further questioned about the numerical quantity of the number 'some' ,you replied
" Well it was buy two packets and get the third one half price "
So by the use of logical deduction my dear Watson, it would seem that in all probability, you still have concealed somewhere within your notorious tote bag ,a third and even more desirable packet of undeclared munchies ,biscuits so agreeable that you are severely reluctant to divulge even a hint of their physical existence to a single living sole .
This Enquiry has ended -
Noo it's over tae the legal system :- I rest my case M'lud ..Has the jury reached a decision..Guilty
And the answer tae yer question of some is "No Thank You "
Anywey at that particular moment in time I was not exactly salivating over the thought of a Ginger Nut or even what the probabilities were of the third undeclared packet of sweetness contained within the bottomless bag being Hobnobs, because at that very moment ,I was jist aboot tae combust a Full Scottish Brunch, so ah says the the concealer of biscuits : "Ah'm daein a fry up ,dae you wa'nt some?"
An the expert in nutritional cornflakes replies "Naw "
Which wis fine by me.
Anywey ten minutes later ah've jist cremated ma preferential cause eh death in the big fryin pan an ah'm jist aboot tae tuck intae ma fatality when the voice in the background sais :
"Are you not going to put that on a plate ?"
So moi simply responded in kind wey "Naw "
You see this is the difference, ah don't tell thaim not tae eat ther undeclared biscuits straight oot the fuckin packet ,dae ah ? 'NAW'
But ah huv tae admit thit ma attachment of many years non declaration of ther favourite biscuits wisnae actually the source eh ma congenial inquisition nor the cause eh ma disharmonious reciprocity ,whit wis bothering me mair right at this precise moment was the discovery jist before brunch, thit oor toilet sink an shower waste pipe hud frozen ..Solid.
Well obviously the first hing ah did wis tae react the auld caustic soda an boilin watter doon the hing ,this hubbled an bubbled like Macbeths witches caldron an made much smoke, but it wis tae no avail,frozen the pipe remained.
So the Higher Up Biscuit Stasher sais "What am I going to do fur a shower ?"
Sais I tae they "Well the toilets working ,you could staun in that wey the watering can.
Option two is tae wait fur the thaw ,alternatively ,you could jist nip oor tae the weans "
Problem solved ,nip oor tae the weans wis ther preferred option.
Or so it seemed ,hauf an hour later the wean phones up an sais "Daa'ad,help! My toilet sink and shower are overflowing"
Ay ...It's cauld
Todays cauld inflicted minor frustrations wir noo actually stertin tae disrupt ma normally relaxed an harmonious tranquillity .
It hus oft been said ,thit if moi here wis any mair laid back he wid be in a coma and usually it takes a cattle prod or a jolt fae a defibrillator tae git a response .
But the final straw thit burst ma chilled bubble, even efter spendin the last few months in Scotland's deep freeze wis actually the point when a turned the computer oan , hopefully tae receive the latest weather news , but only tae huv yer artificially intelligent Googlies ram Westminster's propaganda published by yer Inglis Main Stream Media right doon ma throat .
Ther wisnae wan single headline thit mentioned Scotland's big freeze, only headlines such as the wans below .
'Snow, ice and travel disruption to hit northern UK as Arctic chill continues'
'Cold spell to continue in the North of the UK'
Although such anti Scottish tabloid gash is continuous ,relentless an par fur the course these days, today's propagandist weather announcements jist seemed tae turn the inside eh ma heid intae whit could only be described as somewhit tetchy !
And it's oan days like today ma heid bursts intae Westminster like Rambo ,rescues the SNP hostages then blows the place tae fuck wey the rest eh these parliamentarian cunts in it .
Well let me tell you this,the fuckin Northern UK ,ay that part oor the orrer side eh the Inglis border thits better know tae maist aroon the planet as The Country of Scotland ,will hopefully later oan this year,if aw goes accordin tae plan, huv 'Independent' in front of it's name .
See ah like the sound eh that ,ma sereneness is returnin awready jist at the thought eh it.
But fur now though the electric blanket is gaun oan ,so it's off tae bed and warmth I now head where I shall spend this evening defrosting my chill.
And ah leave youse aw hopefully warm ,cosy ,happy an icicle free tae snuggle up wey a cheery wee song aboot a Heilan Man
Stay warm but chilled muckers
Heeeeeucht !
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