Stovies
12 November
Stovies (also stovy tatties, stoved potatoes, stovers or stovocks) is a Scottish dish based on potatoes.
“Recipes and ingredients vary widely but the dish contains potatoes, fat, usually onions and often pieces of meat.”
Seeing as we ur huvin Stovies fur oor tea the night I thought ah wid scribble aff a few lines in ma journal aboot the boiled tattie delicacy ,then jist tae spice hings up a wee bit, a decided tae haud a wee question and answer session oan the subject .
This wis when I hit ma first hurdle ,ther is only me and the dug in the hoose this morning and I am makin the dinner ,so I canny nip oot tae interview the general populace doon the street like a usually dae .
Saying that ,ma opinion polls never get much response anyway cause aw the locals usually bolt when they see me coming , aw you hear ur massed voices screamin in unison ‘Quick ,bolt roon the corner ,here comes that fuckin Bampot ‘
But you know me ,I am versatile and improvise ,so ah wrote some questions doon oan a bit paper ,stuck it tae a clip board , attached a pen wae a bit string and got the dug tae staun at the back gate wae the board in his mooth ,clever eh ?
And I will tell you what ,I got mair response than a wid huv done if a hud of gone oot masell ,let’s face it who wants tae talk tae a Hi-Viz vest wey a clip board ? Exactly ,a clip board is like a Danger sign ,time tae cross the road .
But if you think aboot it ,maist folk will stop tae clap the dug if it’s staunin at the gate waggin it’s wee tale ,then if you think smart and ram a clipboard in the dugs mooth, everybody passin stops and says ‘ Oh aren’t you a clever boy ,what is that you have there ? Do you want me to read it ?’ So the dug hus at least an 80% chance of the initial contact which will ultimately lead tae a successful response,where as yersel and yer Hi-Viz bib wavin a clipboard aboot ,only hus aboot a wan percent chance of meeting a family member or close relative doon the street and are wan hunner percent guaranteed tae be totally fuckin ostracised by the rest of the community .
Afore wee go oan any further ,I better confirm how this is gaunny work .
Fur the purposes of today’s question and answer diary session ,the dug will be askin the questions oan behalf of the general populace ,no me .Well ,efter aw ,it wis the dug who carried oot the survey . So fur this reason and jist tae make hings a wee bitty easier fur Mr the Dug ,he will write his questions doon in a different colour of type . I huv tae admit the poor dug is finding this part a we bitty difficult ,simply because he disnae usually ask stupit fuckin questions as he is no as thick as maist members of the general populace .
Right that will be the survey problem solved ,so oan wae today’s journalistic entry :Ma Intro
The first hing you need tae know aboot stovies is it is a Danger Will Robinson ! Danger recipe as the method used tae boil tatties in Scotland can become somewhat contentious, violence hus been known tae erupt over the subject of stovies .
Right then Doggy Boy , You raised yer paw ,I see you huv oor furst question ready ,fire away.
The first question is fae Mrs Opinionated Wan ” Violence over yer dinner ! Yer kiddin ?”
This is me answerin the furst question noo
OK ,in reply tae yersel Mrs Opinionated Wan “I kid you not Mrs W ,the topic of stovies can be an inflammatory subject here in Scotland , ther ur hunners of recipes fur stovies and every single individuals recipe is always the right ,proper and traditional wan, usually a secret family recipe which hus mair likely than not ,been passed doon fae ther aunties inbred cousins friend who moved intae a high rise block in 1974 and doesn’y yase a coal fired cooker any mair ,so with the advent of ther newly acquired cooking appliances ,most folk these days huv nae need tae start cookin tomorrow’s dinner yesterday wey the resulting dish ending up resembling a grey primordial slime .
Therefore as you can imagine Mrs Wan, in our modern world, the process and ingredients used can become an area of conflict for the non conformist or an individual wey taste buds.
Next Question please Doggy Boy
Now we have a question from a Mrs Opinionated Two ” My Granny swears that her recipe is the only true traditional Scottish Stovies recipe and she should know as she wis a fish wife doon the pits ,so her recipe must be the only correct way tae boil tatties because that’s the way she always made it “
Thank you Mr Dog ..And in reply to Mrs Opinionated Two for that opinion rather than a genuine question, I say to you .
The usual reply to any novel concept or recipe other than yer ain is in fact yer ain answer of “But that’s the way ma Granny always made her stovies”
And ma reply tae that reply Mrs Opinionated Two ,is
“Ay well ,know whit, ma Granny didn’y ,ma Granny made her traditional stovies fae a recipe she learnt during the war ,the Napoleonic War .
She made her stovies by boiling her ain homegrown ,naturally wholesome shite reekin, manure covered tatties, unwa’shed straight oot the grun ,in a block of artery cloggin wan hunner percent pure beef drippin fur two days oan an open fire ,because they never hud fridges in those days ,and I can quite assure you that ma Grannies traditional stovies wir fuckin rank , so don’t talk tae me aboot traditional recipes “
Enough questions for now lets move on as the Tories wid say .
The Recipe
I am making todays version of the delicacy ,so the chances are ,I will ether get malkied wae a rollin pin ,skelped wae a clatty damp flair cloth or scalded wae boilin mince .
“Why are you at risk of assault while preparing food ?” Is the next question fae Mr Opinionated Three
Doggy Boy a thought we hud agreed tae stall wey the questions fur the noo ? A huv no even startet oan the recipe yit ,Jingszo !
My apologies fur the interruption ther folks, that wis me jist enquiring of the dug ther, why he had decided tae enquire at that particular moment in time oan behalf of Mr Opinionated Three
I will huv tae answer that question noo
“Well Mr Oap Three ,I hope you don’t mind me calling you Mr Oap ? It is just that I am fuckin sick of typing Opinionated already ,and in answer tae yer unwarranted interruption.
I am in danger of physical molestation because Mrs Bampot is a Dunediner or a produce of Edinburgh and they don’t yase mince in the sausages fae which they make ther stovies over in that part of the continent ,I hope that whimsical retort fully covers yer expostulation ?” Now I shall continue wae the recipe if you do not mind .
An interrupt the interruption question ” I think you will find that yer wrang aboot the Edinbergundians ”
In the name o’ the wee man ! Who says Edinburgers are no called Dunedians ? That Mr Oap Three again ? Fuck sake impetuous canine, tell the rocket tae gie it a rest fur a minute, I huv a recipe tae dae.
” Right ,in elucidation tae that provocation Mr Oap Three “I hink you will find that a Dunediner is the appropriate title fur an Edinburger ,and a base this exposition oan factual fact, the name a’ stems fae a point in prehistory when Dunedinberg wisnae called Eidyburger it wis called Dunedin ,amongst other hings ,so the correct term fur an Edinburgian is a Dunediner ,Och here’s a fuckin link tae Wikipedia look it up fur yersel and gie us a break ,I am supposed tae be cookin here .
The name Edinburgh is used in both English and Scots for the capital of Scotland; in Scottish Gaelic, the city is known as Dùn Èideann. Both names are derived from an older name for the surrounding region, Eidyn. It is generally accepted that this name in turn derives ultimately from the Celtic Common Brittonic language.
Edinburgh has also been known as Dunedin, deriving from the Scottish Gaelic, Dùn Èideann.
Whit ur you laughin at dug ? Smartarse.
Right back tae ma traditional mince stovies ,so nae mair questions dug …Wuf woof Woofety wuff ,understaun ? And I don’t care who wants tae know whit ,why ,where or fuckin when .Got it ? Good
But this is a relevant question ” Mince ? You canny make Stovies wae mince ,that is jist mince and tatties ? “
Who said that ? You are fuckin at it dug ,I never saw that question oan ma questionnaire sheet .Oh it’s fae that Opinionated Three haufwit again is it , and he just told you tae ask that question withoot botherin tae write it doon ?
Right ,in reply tae yer aggravated persistence Mr Oap Three “You can make Stovies wey whitever you fuckin wish , and seein as I am a promoter of mince ,plus there is four pun of the stuff in the freezer , mince it shall be ,and if ye follow the recipe as directed ,it is no mince and tatties ,it is tatties wey mince.
I am no forcin you tae fuckin eat the stuff .By the way ,who ur you anyway , mince hater , if ye wid jist gie yer gums a rest fur 30 seconds, a will tell you how tae make stovies wey mince “
Is that it wae the questions noo dug ? As a matter of fact jist gie me that sheet of paper and a will rip the fuckin hing up, and can I ask you wan question Doggy Boy “When did you learn tae fuckin read?”
Ay yev gone aw quiet noo
Wan mair fuckin question oot eh you oan behalf of any cunt, and it’s no Pedigree Chunky Chopped Pork Snout in Intestinal Gavy wey added vitamins ,and no artificial colours or flavourings fur you the night boy. Comprende ?
Right finally ,oan tae the recipe
Tae make stovies wey mince you follow exactly the same steps as you wid when makin stovies wae sausage .
Melt a shovel full of low-density lipoprotiens or any available heart stoppin grease of yer choice in the big soup pot ,bang in yer ten pun of randomly cubed tatties, chopped onion and chicken stock cubes ,cover wey watter ,then, and this is the clever bit ,instead of firing chopped sausages intae the broth ,wait until the watter hus reached the boil then break about hauf a pun eh mince intae the gash and boil fur two or three days ,stirring regularly ,until some of the tatties huv turnt tae mush and some huv’ny.
Sorted !
Ther you go ,Boabs yer Granny ..Stovies wey mince ..
And afore you go howlin at the moon and screamin ‘That’s no stovies ‘ Mr Opinionated Three
Traditionally Stovies wir jist stoved tatties wae anything that wis tae haun ,lamb wis mair traditional, lamb bones got fired in ,any bones got fired intae the pot ,you might yase the festering leftovers fae last weeks Sunday roast or any leftover meat that’s been purifying in the fridge .
You can make stovies wey anything as long as it is maistly tatties.
And noo ..Wan question fae me tae youse, The Generally Surveyed
Dae ye still get Sunday roasts these days ,remember them ?
Those wir the days eh ,a bit brisket or silverside ,a leg of lamb ,a mutton joint ,rolled pork ,a ham .
I huv no hud a Sunday roast fur years ,no because a huv turnt totally vegetarian or anythin ,I jist huvny hud a Sunday roast since the Tories got intae power .
Well we dae huv a kind of Sunday roast ,we usually huv roast mince oan a Sunday wae the works ,stuffin ,yorkshire pudding ,roast tatties ,carrots and tumshie ,well if ther is any fresh vegetables in the shop that is .
And why not ,you only live wance and if yer gauny bankrupt yersell by turnin the oven oan wance a week ,you might as well fire everything in at the wan time ,it makes financial sense ,no hink ?
Well so that 30 pence fanny that got flung oot of the Labour Party fur bein a cunt then joined the Cunts ,keeps tellin the country
So ther you go how tae make whitever you huv wae Scottish Tatties wey oot getting spangled by yer spouse
OK Woofety dug ,good show you clever boy ,didn’t you do well, looks like time for your favourite Pedigree Chunky Chopped Pork Snouts in Intestinal Gravy ..Yummy it smells quite delicious ,I wonder if it wid make good stovies ?
Here are some tips oan proper culinary aggression fae Rick and Ade
Links :-
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Etymology_of_Edinburgh
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