Reindeer

Pre Festive Spraff

The reindeer or caribou (Rangifer tarandus) is a species of deer with circumpolar distribution, native to Arctic, subarctic, tundra, boreal, and mountainous regions of Northern Europe, Siberia, and North America.This includes both sedentary and migratory populations. 

Note : This is tae confirm thit in keeping wey the European Convention oan Human Rights : Nae weans wir actually sworn at during the writing eh the days journal entry . An a huv a fuckin certificate thit is viewable at the bottom eh this page tae  prove it .

Ay ah know it's bit early fur swerin at the weans or the manipulation eh tiny minds but a got hame an says tae the electronic device attachments . 

Well that will be me back fae the shops en , ah huv jist tied the sleigh an reindeer up four doors doon fur the simple reason they dinnae belong tae me ,they wir jist loiterin aboot ootside the shoap , so ah hitched a wee ride hame fae Mr Reindeer cause ma messages wir heavy .
Nae doubt Donner will jist find his ain way back hame by himsel ,he usually does.

And might ah say ,whit a totally bollocks method eh transport sleds ur anyway ,thers nae suspension oan a sledges,they might work quite well in the snaw but they ur practically fuckin useless oan tarmacadamed roads.
Somebody wants tae mention tae the reindeers owner thit the wheel wis invented recently,an while ther at it, they might want tae pit some fuckin suspension oan ther sledge.
.
An know whit ? Exactly no wan eh thaim even luiked up fae ther connected devices!  So wey masel bein nae mair thin a shit stirrin backward an jist tae further this discourse ,ah says tae the unresponsive -

I luik upon yer vacant expressions an hear youse doubtin ma above statement ,while no being quite sure if this is nae mair thin wan eh ma complete an utter fabrications , an in reality ah actually jist got a taxi up the road wey the shoppin.
But oan the orrer haun ,yer inquisitive but no really that bothered electrified neurons ur mair thin probably niggling away at the back eh yer heids askin ,did that feckin bampot jist say the reindeer wis called Donner ?

An afore youse stert questionin ma grasp oan reality, which by the way ,is anorrer question fur anorrer day ,I am quite willing an prepared tae answer any further questions oan this subject tae the best eh ma dubious knowledge an limited mental capabilities ,but jist tae be quite specific an clear this matter up ,the answer is.. Ay

Now then,first question please .

So I shall take my first question fae you ma wee pugnacious combatant, which is -  "What kind of answer is 'ay ' ..Ay what ya total fuckin radge ?"

An as usual fae yersel it's a guid question .

Well in answer tae yer question an tae be mair specific wey ma answer , whit a said wis  .. 'Ay that's right ' or 'Ay ah did' or whitever wey ye want tae phrase ma statement of  'That indeed is exactly what I said.'

The reindeers full name is in fact Donner Deliveries Ltd.
The wan an very only ,or the actual as in the very same, thee Donner ,as no in Kebab, cause that Doner only hus wan N in its spellin
And ay, he is wan eh Big Reds volunteer reindeer.

But see that's whit reindeer dae fur the rest eh the year tae earn ther daily hay ,an ther especially busy daein practice deliveries at this time eh year cause they ur aw in training fur the big drop .

Next question,ay you at the back who's no quite keepin up wey this -

" So what you are saying is that Santa's reindeer train for the big night by loiterin about outside shops? "

An the simple answer tae that question is - 'Naw ,don't be fuckin silly ,they deliver pizzas an orrer takeaway foods tae the needy,that's why ther ay tae be found loiterin ootside shops ,cause ther waiting tae pick up ther carry oot delivery orders.

They aw dae the same ,Dasher an Dancer maistly deliver roon Glasgow, Prancer hus a route in Dundee, Vixen an Comet dae Edinburgh an Tranent, Cupid loiters aboot up Aberdeen way an Blitzen maistly delivers fur the brewery cause he is partial tae a wee pint eh Export .

Whit dae ye hink they dae aw year ,jist lounge aboot in some all inclusive holiday resort ?

And I shall take the next question fae you wey the snotty nose thit's scratchin ther erse - "How dae these reindeer know wher tae deliver ?"

And in retort ah say tae yersel - " Wipe yer fuckin nose and that's quite a simple question tae answer wey a question .How dae you hink they know wher tae deliver oan Xmas day ? " 

You see these volunteer reindeer wir haun picked no jist fur ther endurance skills but mainly fur ther psychic abilities ,they sense wher tae go an whit you desire .
Fur instance ,jist lits say you git hunger pangs an hink tae yersel ,ah cid fer go a pie supper .So you phone up The Greasy Haggis fur a delivery .

This is wher these special deers psychic abilities come intae play,you hink ther jist staunin aboot luikin stupid ootside the chippy ,whereas in actual factuality they ur tuning in tae the psychosis thits floatin aboot in the airwaves tae pick up yer phone call, ther brains ur cin eh like a Bluetooth headset.
An in this modern day an age they also huv acquired advanced Satellite Navigation Systems ,so if yer no sending oot the right vibes, they jist type in yer address .

An afore you start eejit  - 'Off course reindeer canny type cause they huv hooves fur hauns ,ther Sat Navs are psychically powered '

Jings that wis lucky ,ah jist managed ta avert anorrer stupid question ther, phew !

Right you wey the missin front tooth ,you want tae know why you desperately desired an iPad wey yer chippy but only got a single haggis delivered ?

The answer tae that is very simple annaw

Firstly :At present these reindeer ur only daein ther day job ,an although they might be in training noo, they still canny make the decision oan who gits whit ,that choice is made by Big Red himsel an is dependent oan your behaviour .

Secondly: Xmas comes but wance a year ,ye canny jist git a free iPad or Xbox wey every pizza or Chinese Takeaway, jist cause ye don't really need ,but hink ye really want somethin , that's jist blatant fuckin consumerism.

Sayin that, ah cin remmemer the day when ye did actually git free plastic crap wey yer cornflakes ,an ah suppose you still dae ,but noo insteed eh a single wee plastic toy ye jist git the hing shredded tae nanoparticle size an liberally distributed throughoot the packet !

Thirdly : Ye only huv the mental capacity eh a five year auld ,whit the fuck dae you want wey an iPad ?

So the Younger Dryas sais tae I  "Come on ageing relative ,much as we love you and sympathies with your juvenile cognitive problems,we are all teenagers now and understand that being good for Santa was only one of the many psychological methods generally used by adults in their mostly futile attempts to manipulate the behaviour of their children .

"Is that ah fact " Says I tae they  " How come it never fuckin worked wey youse en ? "

Then ,completely unexpectedly an fae oot the blue, Junior Bampot lifts ther face aff the mobile device an says .." When will you be putting your Xmas tree up ? We can put ours up next weeks "

So ma answer tae that wan wis, thit moi follows the Yule rules set doon by yer original Santa, Odin the Wise ,a man thit poked he's ain eye oot in a quest fur the wisdom oan when it is appropriate tae pit yer tree up.

Therfur as you might huv imagined by noo ,he wisnae quite playin wey a full deck eh cerds.

Anywey yer man's rules state thit if ye pit yer tree up too early he will dive doon yer lum in the middle eh the night an ram the hing right up yer fuckin crevice ,bauble's tinsel,faery lights annaw !

The End

Well that wis ma the days dribbling journal entry, an the outcome eh ma deep an meaningful spraff wey the juvenile offsprings ,offspring is thit noo it luiks like the figment eh ma childish imagination will be drappin two tablet computers an a games consul aff at ma hoose oan Xmas mornin ,eh children ?

Burrring Burrring ..Burrring Burrring .. Well that's whit the dial ring sounds like oan ma phone ..Burrring Burrring ..Burrring Burrring 

Hello ,can ah huv a pie supper an a kebab please ,ay Donner, wey everyhin oan it  . 

Noo aw ah huv tae dae is sit back an listen fur the sleigh bells ! Ah wonner if Donner will bring the big boatle eh cola ah wis hinkin aboot ,but forgot tae mention when a phoned in ma order ?

Ho Ho Ho ! An naw , ye canny pit the fuckin tree up yit

Links :

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reindeer