Fraudulent Poetry


Poetic Spraff

Poetry (a term derived from the Greek word poiesis, “making”), also called verse, is a form of literature that uses aesthetic and often rhythmic qualities of language − such as phonaesthetics, sound symbolism, and metre − to evoke meanings in addition to, or in place of, a prosaic ostensible meaning. A poem is a literary composition, written by a poet, using this principle.

Ay,fer doos, whitever ,but the big flair shampooin hing thit hus been kickin aboot in the big cupboard since Hadrian built his wall wis intriguing me, so a dragged it oot fur a swatch, then ah did a hauf hour instructional course at The University of You Tube ,wher ah gained a qualification in paper plane folding , learned the meaning of utter confusion ,an came away with absolutely nae idea how tae work this contraption ,en finally ah finally located the long lost cleaning fluid, which hud been carefully concealed ahint a pile eh orrer obscure cleaning fluids, which in turn hud been carefully concealed ahint several gallons eh highly toxic hazardous chemicals ,an wherelse but unner the sink .

“That will be ma the days amusement sorted then. ”  Thought I tae me , an wis jist setting up fur ma first attempt at steam cleaning the living room wallpaper ,the boiling of various sized rugs and the anticipated but he necessary side effect of the flooding of the flair ,for which ah hud readied aw the clean bathroom towels ah cid muster tae assist wey the mopping up process, when in stoats the higher up wan an sais “What are you doing ?”

Moi replies “A wis jist gaunny..” Only tae huv ma mooth abruptly stalled by ..” Naw you’ll just not bother, put it back !”
“Ay fine”..Sais I tae they ..”  An reluctantly pit ma new found toy back in the big cupboard .

Ah wid jist huv tae fun somehin thit didnae involve fluid dynamics tae break, noo thit the higher authority wis hame tae supervise ma boredom.
It wis at this low point eh ma day, fae oot eh the blue ah wis struck by a revelation ,either that or it wis the size ten steely toecapped work boot thit some feckin eejit hud left balancing oan the tap shelf eh the big cupboard thit bounced aff ma dome while ah wis pittin the easily operable cleaning device back in it's preferred livin space .
But anyway ,this blinding revelation basically begged the question : Why vandalise perfectly guid general household appliances when you could destroy the language with greater ease an much less effort ? 
Ther wid be no repair costs involved or sper parts required ,so a widnae need tae spend hours surfin the interweb tae locate a type C fagend sprokit or caramelised accelerator wick fur an oot eh production, fluid retaining, multi point syphoning ,floor and carpet sucking device.
This wis fur defo a money saving experts Eureka moment.
I shall write some poetry ,simple as that.
 
The problem is a canny write poetry ..Bugger ,think again head,think again.

An that’s when, like the flash of a size ten steely toecapped boot bouncing aff yer brow fae some considerable height hit me .
This lightbulby type hingy, in aw probability fae anorrer dimension ,conceptualised itsel inside the enclosed cranial region thit ah usually prefer tae keep positioned oan tap eh ma shooders ,en illuminated the tiny spot eh grey matter that resides somwher in the vacuumous void atween ma ears . 
Ye cuid describe it cin eh like the big bang thit stertert the universe ,but jist no quite sae big, in reality it wis mair like the piezoelectric spark ye git by rubbin two balloons thegether .

"This plan cuid work " .. Announced maseI tae I ,following these same principles an ma obscure line eh thought ,jist like ma failed art forgery projects, ah could forge some poetry in the style eh famous writers , an this could well result in a wad eh cash or the title eh Poetic Layabout or whitever yer literary Nobbly prizewinners git ca’ed these days.

Right then that’s a plan ,sorted .
But first ah wid huv tae research poetry , cause you canny forge somehin if you huvn’y got a dinky doo whit it’s aw aboot, cin ye ? Naw

So ah shall write a list eh poetical hings tae research 

1: Whit the fuck is poetry ?

2: What the fuck is poetry all aboot anyway ?

3: What is the fuckin point eh poetry ?

4: Whit the fuck dae poets write aboot ?

5: Why the fuck dae poets write aw this shite ?

As you cin see ther is a definite theme running through ma chosen line eh enquiry ,but whit it is, ah’m fuctifano.

So efter five minutes searchin ma Googlies fur advice oan how tae commit poetical fraud, an wey not a lot of enlightenment forthcoming, ah thought tae masel :-
Why no write aboot yer this mornins experience in the style eh Clement Clarke Moore who back in 1837 wis credited wey penning the noo famous an previously anonymously published festive rhyme of 1823  ‘A Visit Fae St Pancreas ‘ which kind of goes like :

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

"Guid shout " Thought masel tae masel ,wis this the evidence eh how tae commit poetic fraud a hud been searchin fur ?
Who cares ,but a will gie ma this morning’s occurances a wee Clement Clarke Moore makeover an literally see how they turn oot .

Here goes ,a huv entitled this effort Enlightenment 

Enlightenment
 
It wis three in the mornin an a’ through the hoose
The inhabitants wir sleepin ,includin the moose
So a dragged masel doon tae the bog in despair 
Jist tae find thit the light wisnae working in ther
Noo wae vision impaired a expelled fluids wae glee
Jist tae recoil in anguish as ma crocs filled wae pee !

Top Tip : Dinnae git yer lightbulbs fae Poundies !


So that wis ma furst attempt at a wee bit eh fraudulent poetry wey an advisory top tip thrown in ther jist tae add some credence tae it's legitimacy.
Ay well, no quite ! An ah don’t hink somehow thit ah could pass that work eh genius aff as a work eh genius tae an avid collector of rhyming reminiscences .
But fear not, I see the problem .
See masel canny rhyme in the Inglis cause ah talk in the leid eh the Scots ,so why no dae a diddy in the lingo eh the National Bard ,Rabbi Burns , scrieve somehin deep meaningful an intense ..mmmmm ? 

An efter a few seconds eh deep an meaningful thought ,an as yer man hus a’ready kicked the erse oot eh mice an haggis ,I shall produce a litery work aboot the beasties appearance at yer shirtlifters January Suppers.

But see ,the problem wey fraudulently scrievin in the leid eh the Scots though, is thit yer choice eh wurds an ther spellin is even mair variable an confusing thin in the Inglis  .Jist take the wurd seek, as in tae boak type seik fur example ,no tae be confused wey 'sic' which means 'such' in yer Inglis leid.
An sike only hus aboot eight spellin variations,orrer words cin be spelt in *hunners eh different weys. 
* Hunners in Scots, is any nummer or quantity thit ther ur mair thin wan eh ,but usually mair thin three ,unless it is a quantity such as the two massive feckin dough baws thit yer granny wid fire oan tap eh yer mince when ye wir wee ,an you wid say ,jings Granny, that's hunners !

SEECK , Scots. adj., n. Also seek, seik, sike.
Eng. Sick
Examples :
Come dork, she wis richt weak
Wi’ the gowpin’ o’ her sair heid and seeck
At the thocht o’ touchin’ a singel bite.

The spectators cheered thaim on like they wir glaudiators about tae dee. A pucklie wir fell seik ,seik lookin oniewey

Righty ho here we go .
This is ma bash at Burns wher ah huv deliberately avoided the wurd seek ,an huv entitled this deep an meaningful emaculate conception : The Freemasons Haggis Supper

The Freemasons Haggis Supper 

Wance a year at haun shake meetins 
When kilts ur worn and pipes ur bleatin
Yer beasties served up wa’rm and reekin
The main course O' the wealthie's feastin 

It’s served up oan a silver platter
Addressed in haverin auld Scots patter
Whit these wurds mean jist disnae matter
Tae them thit’s gained above ther stature 

But tae Jock Tamson's oan the street
This plucky puddin's quite a treat
Baldy entrails stuffed wae oats n’ meat 
But wher’s the beasties wee hairy feet ?

Aye well ,again, no quite . Ah don’t  hink ah huv quite grasped the concept eh deep an meaningful ,but hey,whit dae ye expect , the only hing ah ever got aff ma Inglis teacher at the schuil wis a skelp roon the lug .

I shall forgo yer Burns fur noo ,see thers nae point in tryin tae run afore ye can walk, as ah dicovert only too well wey ma art forgeries .
See ah aimed too high wey ma first attempt at art forgery, ah stertert in the style eh Rembrandt but it turned oot mer like a five year auld weans Jackson Pillock ,only worse .

It fooled the higher up wan though ,they actually thought thit a five year auld wean hud painted it !




Admittedly ah never got the Scottish bards poetical style quite wan hunner percent  bang on ther , so fur ma next attempt ah thought thit a wid plagiarise an paraphrase the Inglis bard ,who wis actually better known fur haverin plays thit even yer literal academics canny agree oan whit they wir aw aboot .

So this should be quite easy, cause ye huv tae admit ,yer man wrote some fuckin pish.

I huv entitled this proposed fraudulent attempt at a long lost manuscript, thit is supposedly guanny be recently rediscovered : Tae Wash or No Tae Wash ? Oan A Cauld And Frosty Morning 
 
 Tae Wash or No Tae Wash ? Oan A Cauld And Frosty Morning

Tae shower, or no tae shower, that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind tae suffer
The whiffs an stench of outrageous underwear,
Or tae take up soap against a sea of microbes
And by opposing scrub thaim aff or die — eh fuckin frostbite

Whit dae ye hink ,wid this illiteracy pass as a lost work eh genius, or even jist as a load eh pish like the original writers work ? 

Well ,ah agree thit  you wid mair thin probably be right tae suggest thit that nonsense widnae pass a feckin O level exam at the schuil . An dinnae haud back cause ah'm yased tae criticism ,the higher up wan will oft say tae me oan a regular basis “Whit the fuck ur you daein noo ya radge ? “

But en again , the higher up wan hus an inquisitive prying mind an tends tae be a wee tad overprotective eh the furniture and general household electrical appliances , especially when masel is left at home alone or orrerwise unattended .

It is fur this reason and while I await professional feedback oan ma Tudor prose, ah shall attempt tae recline wey oot fawin aff this chair an try somehin less taxing ,somehin simpler, like rhymes ,nursery rhymes even  ,whit about a nursery rhyme aboot wir pets ?
Right en , here we go ,so ah titled this effort efter wir lodgers, the Fuckin Hairy Bastards
 
Fuckin Hairy Bastards

When a lay doon tae take ma ease
Or position eh recline
Fower feet appear upoan ma bed
Fower feet thit ur’ny mine !

Twa feet belang a manky dug
Twa feet ur mair feline 
So ah dae anorrer tally up
An fae whit a cin define 

Aw eight feet belang oor residents 
Who’s ain cribs they baith decline
They'd much prefer a nice warm bed 
So the’ve dived straight intae in mine

Ay Right ! No fur fuckin long ya flea ridden varmints ..Bolt

Ay ah know , that’s still no quite ther yit either ,an a canny be bothered researching any mair poeticals ,wan sketch at the hunners eh gash Wullie McGonagall churnred oot ,made me realise whit cin eh talent ah wis up against. Therefur ah hud wan last bash in the fraudulent style eh the bold Wullie which a cawed : A Wee Fly
 
A Wee Fly
 
A wee fly flew in ma widnae
Furst it buzzed aboot ma eyes 
It buzzed aboot ma teacup
Hoat tea wis it's demise
So a took the hale mug oor 
Anna poored it doon the sink
En a thought, be thankful 
Thank fuck that wisnae drink !


So efter tryin an failin mair thin wance ah huv gied up the idea eh poetic forgery an fur the rest eh the day ah’m jist gaunny hone ma art forgery skills ,cause the kitchen door cuid be daein wey a lick eh paint ..

Here’s some proper weans rhymes 
 

 
 



Or as Murder Polis it goes

Murder, murder polis

three sterrs up,

the wuman in the middle close

hut me wae a cup

ma heid’s aw broken, ma face is aw cut

murder polis murder polis three sterrs up


So ther ye go , that wis ma the days attempt at fraudulent poetry, an it disnae take a genius tae admit thit mibbes wey a wee bit eh education an a bit help fae Rab The Bruces spider ,a cin only git better ?
En again ,mibbes naws
 
Youse aw huv a maist excellent an poetical day , whitever yer attemptin an wherever yer abode happens tae be yer abide aroon this wee planet ..Heeeeucht !
 
 
Links :
 
 

















Comments

Popular Posts