Foraging


Consumer Spraff

Foraging is searching for and collecting edible plants, fruits, nuts, seeds and fungi from the outdoors. This year-round activity can be a great way to spend time in nature. However, you need to take care to make sure that foods are gathered sustainably and are safe to eat. Before starting to forage, it is important to know that some plants growing wild are poisonous, and some are even deadly.

So ah got up this mornin an asked masel the age auld riddle : When is a door not a door ?
Well it seems the answer tae this conundrum is : When you walk intae a hauf open wan ,that's when. Because at this point these obstructive swinging panels jist become an exclamation of.. 'Ya fuckin bastard !'

An at this embryonic stage eh ma journal entry ah hear youse enquire "What the fuck has your proficiency in the use of invectives and vituperation got to do with foraging ?"  
An believe me, ah hear yer cries eh dissent dear peruser of the Wonda Web, ma troubled mentality an grasp oan reality even worries masel at times ,but it wis this particular question ah hud tae ask masel furst hing this morning in conjuction wey ma first responders comment of " What the fuck is the matter wey you ya radge ?" thit prompted ma first response.
So cin ah humbly an lime cordially request thit ye desist wey yer odium fur noo while ah relate a mair concise an accurate account of this morning's events, which hopefully might explain why ah listed this point furst in ma diary entry the day .

See readin glesses ur handy fur readin ,but they cin be spectacularly hazardous when worn while wanderin aboot an unilluminated or dimly lit hoose !
Fortunately ah huv a sper per,cause the wans ah wis werin when ah stoated ma coupon aff the door this mornin ur what you might call 'totally fucked noo ' This also raised the question of whers the feckin antiseptic cream when ye need it ? Alang wey ma yelps eh ,nae wonner ah fuckin swer ! 
But cin ye see wher ah'm comin fae noo ? 
Wey oot ma readin glesses ah cuid'ny continue wey this total dribble thit ah scribble doon in ma journal of daily events,so ah wis jist letting youse know why this pish is takin so long tae write the day.
 
Plus this wis also ma Top Tip fur ma diary entry theday, which is : Dinnae stoat aboot dark places wey vision distorting lenses coverin yer optical receptors ! Jist gaunny no..

An fear not , the door is fine . Ma collision resulted in nae mair thin a mere blemish oan the ootside arris,alang wey a couple eh blood splats which wir easily wiped aff . 
An cin ah also jist reassure youse thit ah'm no away digressin in a feverish tea induced delerium again an only havering utter tripe simply fur the sake eh gibberin pure pish !

Right so anyway ,back tae ma diary :-
 
It is pitch dark ,pishin doon an blowin a feckin hooley as usual oor here again the day.
But see this is the problem wey Scotland's weather ,last week ah wis forced tae don ma all inclusive ,which usually wance zipped up ,stays oan ma back 24/7 until the urgency fur a shower takes precedence oor aw orrer matters, hygienic or stenchable.
But the day we huv hit the El Scorchio temperature eh 12 degrees fuckin Kelvin here oan the West Coast, in late November ! Agreed it is as usual damp ,dreich an pishin doon, but how the fuck ur you meant tae git tae sleep at night clad in a thermal ootdoor coverall durin this freak spell eh Mediterranean summertime temperatures ?

This problematic clothing issue wis of some concern until a hud a deek in the fridge in search eh the nutritionals fur the nights tea, an know whit ? Ay, it turns oot thit ah huv mair thin ma battery heated suit tae worry aboot ,an it looks like ah will huv tae disrobe fae ma comfort anywey cause moi here will huv tae venture oot in this inclement tae forage fur edible produce doon the street at wir local superstore .
 
Fortunately ,we oor here live in wan eh Scotland's habitable zones an huv such consumer luxuries as shops ,mobile reception ,a sporadic electricity supply an gas street lighting, wheras if ye wir tae find yersel traveling along the bleak and perpetually wet moorlands oot ther in  Bandit Country ,which tae yer untrained eye wid seem devoid eh wildlife and human habitation ,it is guaranteed you will come across a damp an windswept cammo clad individual strolling through this wilderness who will no doubt have secreted around his personage 5 rabbits,3 pheasants ,2 fresh salmon alang wey various other carefully concealed dismembered animal organs , these natural foragers will also usually huv a live ferret residing in ther underwear .
 
But as ah mentioned previously ,masel happens tae reside in the habitable zone wher ther jist happens tae be a shop , ay well ther might only be wan shop oor here ,but it is a bonifide shop ,an sometimes it dis actually huv some edible produce oan the shelves thits fur sale . So as ye cin see ,thers no a great urgency fur masel tae wrap ma extremities up in a shrubbery an ram a ferret doon ma kecks in order tae provide the daily sustenance .It is fur this reason ah will jist fire oan a per eh jeans an a watterproof jaiket , cause lets face it a giant Cheese Plant wey African Violets sproutin oot it's pockets ,jist luiks a wee bit conspicuous stoatin aboot the High Street, whether it's pishin doon or no !
 
 
So thers moi foragin away doon the store roon aboot the tinned bean shelf when ah bumps intae ma auld mucker who wey oot even an 'awright ya cunt' which is a traditional Scottish greeting , promptly procedes tae tell me aboot this totally amazing utter gash that he is watchin oan Neckflix.
Ay ,that's whit he calls it ,Neckflix
Anyway ,it sounds jist like aw the orrer pure shite he hus been watchin oan Netflix,and no quite the kinda stuff you wid expect tae be oan an orthopedic surgeons viewin list, but ther ye go , everywan tae ther ain !





So he sais tae me "Huv you got Neckflix?"
And ah replied  "Naw a huv Cervical spondylitis ,same hing a suppose ! "
 
Anywey ,wey the assiastance eh yer mans vast surgical knowledge an clinical guidance ah wis able tae skoosh roon aboot the store an forage ,a bag eh decomposin carrots , some onions thit seemed tae be in an edible condition when viewed through the plastic bag, a wee bunch eh badly wiltin minature leeks ,thit the shop hud labeled as Spring Onions an a bag eh frozen peas , an bein aware thit ah hud some proper butchers ground beef in the freezer ,this seemed like the opertune moment tae say cheerio tae the surgical television an wander up the road tae culinary some wholesome an nourishing nutritional mince fur a chainge ,cause we huv'ny hud mince since yeasterday !
 
Hey ,I do not care whit anybody sais , ah'm mair thin proficient in the production eh the much favoured Scottish delicacy better known as mince ,an might ah add, ye cin never huv enough mince, well unless ye happen tae huv somehin else other thin mince that is !
 
Right so wey the nights tea sorted ah thought thit ah wid celebrate wey huvin a wee chant tae masel aboot the manufacturing of thedays mince , simply because while ah wis makin the nights tea , ah decidet tae huv a wee cuppa tea , an it wis at this specific point in time today, thit ah discovert, during a Jings Crivens Help Ma Boab moment ah might add ,thit ther wis a UFO at the bottom eh ma teacup !

So yasin the three chords thit a pretend ah cin actually play oan the guitar ,a flung thegether this wee instrumentalist aboot the UFO at the bottom of ma tea cup, in a bluesy riff . 
Why ? Cause that's aboot the only cin eh riff ye cin actually play when yer no even proficient in three chords . Masel , ah find the wey tae conceal yer less than melodic talent is tae strum yer instument quietly an sing loudly .

Whit ye wa'nt the chords ?
Feck ,these chords ur major hard wans ,an no fur youse amateur or beginner instrumentalists oot ther ,but if ye practice, en mibbes unlike masel , efter twinty year or so ,ye might jist become incompetent enough tae strum - E G G G A 
Fear not ,if ye canny play these chords ,ye cin ay jist sing thaim as follows :
Do Do - Da Do - Do ..or .. Ba Ba - Beh Ba - Bah 
See yer choice eh Do Do's  or Ba Bah's is aw dependent oan whitever wey ye choose tae either play or chant these chords .
Ay well anywey , back tae ma song , ah dae huv mair words ,but ah will'ny bore ye wae the full lyrics tae this wan ,cause ah huv bin known go oan a bit sometimes ,or so ah'm telt. 
Ah wance wrote a song aboot a night oot in Glasgow in unner 28,000 wurds, but wey the help a psychological linguist , we managed tae abridge this voluminous title tae ' Ah Got Absolutely Maracked Up The Toon '
Anywey ,feel free tae join in wey the chanting ,an it disnae matter wherrer yer a Ba- Baher or a Do- Doer  , see the guid hing aboot ma songs is thit they huv nae written , standardised or preset lyrics, an they aw sound exactly the same oneywey   :-

Ah've got mince in ma teacup 
This is troubling me you know
Ah've got mince in my teacup
How it got ther I dunno 
Two slurps of ma cuppa 
And a thought a wis gaunny throw

We've aw hud wir dinner 
It wis fer guid you know
We've aw hud wir dinner 
Mince is fer guid you know 
But thers mince in ma tea cup 
And how it got ther ..I just dunno
 
Chorus:
Thers mince in ma teacup ! 
Ba -Ba Ba- Ba Baa - Dah Ba  -Da Bah -Barra Bow 
Da... Da -Da Rah -Dih Duh
 
Here's the real McCoy 
 


Ay well, mibbes naw :-
Here's somehin a wee bitty gentler fae Maxine Sullivan singin Loch Lomond in the1939 film  ,fortunately ah canny play this wan cause ther ur chords involved orrer thin the three major wans thit a canny play anywey , such as the minor chords thit ah thought wir only fur weans !
 
Ah hope thit youse aw huv a mellow an tuneful day me auld muckers ..Heeeeucht !
 


Maxine Sullivan, Loch Lomond, 1939 Film




    

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