Cupboard

Cupboard, type of furniture that originated in the Middle Ages as a board or table for cups. The word also may have been used for a stepped sideboard and later for open shelves, both to display plate. Since the 16th century the name has referred to a case fitted with doors.

 

Ay well ,this might be the literal definition eh a cupboard , but this isnae the type eh cupboard ah'm oan aboot ,whit we are talkin here is the mini room in the hall wher aw wir crap gits bundled intae .But mair worryin is thit masel here seems tae be developin some cin eh fascination fur big cupboards , which might no be worryin tae yer ordinary average everyday cat or dug in the street ,but it is seriously begining tae disturb masel as this infatuation is becomin mair eh a mental compulsion thin a neccessary requirement ! 

 

See masel is home alone the day ! Ay jist like that wee Sculkin Macaulay in the franchise ,except this isnae the festive season yit ,so a thought a hud better dae somehin destructive .So ma the days journal entry is nae mair thin the recording eh the monotonous tedium yer ordinary, average ,everyday cupboard fetishist hus tae go through in order tae justify ther title eh Hoose Husband .

Anyway ,this mornin ah opens the door eh the big hall cupboard only tae be greeted wae ma astonished gasp of  'Away tae fuck !' 

The storage capacity eh the walk in midden hus been fully capacitised.

"Ther you go " ..Sais I tae me.. "A project fur life !

And wey a wee bit eh luck you might even huv it cleared oot an reinstated tae a walk -inable condition ,containing only coats an essential crap afore the higher up wan gits hame."

So a sterted by jist pullin aw the shite oot an sortin it intae three piles which a carefully labeled :-

 

Pile wan: Goes back in

Pile two : Goes somewher else 

and lastly 

Pile three : Goes tae fuck

But that didnae work as ah ended up wae several undefined an uncategorised piles which ah deemed inappropriate tae either go back in, go somewher else or get flung tae fuck .

Eight hours later 

Jingszo ! That will be the big hall cupboard cleaned oot then ,a redoubtable task indeed.

But by emptying the cavernous abyss mair questions than answers huv been raised such as why dae a huv 2 black Crombie coats ,2 black suits and 4 black ties ,wis I an undertaker in a previous life ?

And why dae a huv 2 grey coats and 2 grey suits ,huv I ever worn them ? Ever ?

 

Ah also discovered thit a still huv two kilts hangin up in this big cupboard ,a heavyweight real *McCoy ,Ancient Campbell of Argyll ,which is wan feckin ugly tartan by the way .

 

* The phrase "The real McCoy" may be a corruption of the Scots "The real MacKay", first recorded in 1856 as: "A drappie o' the real MacKay" ("a drop of the real MacKay"). This appeared in a poem Deil's Hallowe'en published in Glasgow and is widely accepted as the phrase's origin.

If ma memory serves me correctly the only time ah ever wore this hing tae conceal the tap eh ma legs wis tae a weddin away back in the late 1980's but the thing still bends the hanging rail in the cupboard simply because it is wis inherited fae some ancient relative , whit wan ah huv nae idea ,but a wid presume they might huv been a Black Campbell fae Argyll ,but ah'm only hypothesisin here .

An an fae whit ah cin recall the only hing available oan the market tae stop this weighty garment fae plummeting earthwards tae doon roon aboot yer ankles wis a couple eh stainless steel ,cantilever bridge suspension cables. 

But ma problem is ,wey this bein a hereditary item thit hus bin pased doo fae wan generation tae the next wan thit didnae really want it , the ugly tartan will continue tae bend the coat rail in the cupboard until the day somebody in the clan, wey access tae stainless steel cables ,grows intae it . 

 

Ah also discovert thit ah hud a lightweight Dress Gordon kilt which ah hud completley forgotten aboot lurkin oan the rails ,this wan ,wey the proper attachment eh belts buckles an braces, hus the ability tae remain in the vacinity eh yer midriff , an it is also quite bright .

This beauty hus been worn oan two eh the occasions masel attended Murrayfield tae support the nearly best rugger team in the world while kitted oot in the then full traditional rig eh the day of , current team tap ,nubuck boots,long white fisherman's boot socks and a wee sporran .

See the trick wey sportswer kilts is tae wear shorts wey pockets unnerneath thit ye cin keep yer cash and return train tickets in ,because nae matter whether the event results in a glorious victory or gracious defeat ,efter the 12 or 15 compulsory swallies ,yer wee sporran ay ends up hangin roon aboot yer neck.

 

See the problem wey kilts is thit unlike the original and multipurpose Great Kilt ,yer modern shortbreid tin dress kilt is no ideal casual wear as yer ay in fear eh predation fae wa'sps an other bitin insects. 

So fur this reason ma Dress Gordon cin git fired intae the charity shoap pile cause ma bare legs ur gittin a wee bitty to auld tae be exposed tae sub zero temperatures an insect invasion.

 

Right so that will be the cupboard emptied an maist eh ma gear sorted en , but the real big ask is :

' Where the fuck did aw the floory chiffon gear come fae ? '

 

 

Anyway , tae cut tae the crap an git tae the jist ,noo thit a huv cleared an entrance way in tae this chasm, I huv noo discovered thit ah really need tae fix the overladen shelves at the back of this storage void, but the problem here is the shelves ur currently occupied by 2 big fuck off keyboards ,a banjo in a case ,a semi acoustic ,a custom Dobro,a Gibson acoustic an a Fender guitar ,three big fuck off amps ,fit pedals an hunners eh cables!

So ah got oan tae ma telephonic communication device tae enquire eh ther owner ,namely the melodic wean ,aboot these surplus tae musicals, an they replies "I don't really play them anymore."

Says moi tae they "Wid it no be a guid idea then , if you took them away tae fuck oor the road and didnae play thaim in yer ain hoose en ?"

 

But this didnae seem tae be a mutually beneficial proposal fae ther point eh view , so fur noo ah will jist huv tae pile aw the shite fae this big cupboard intae the orrer big cupboard thit ah cleared oot last week until ah cin find a responsible adult thit will adjudicate oan the relocation eh no only the orchestra ,but aw the century auld disgarded toys like Bogglins an Cabbage Patch dolls thit everybody wants tae keep, but they jist don't want tae keep thaim in ther ain hooses .

 

Well enough eh this cupboard infatuation it's time tae make the tea an ah hink it shall be mince fur a wee chainge ,whit else ,  it will be a a wee treat , seein us we huv'ny hud mince since yesterday !

Anywey , that's ma the days journal ,which fur a wee chainge, hus quite a lot of actual factuality content in it .

Ah hope thit aw youse will be huvin somehin substantial , nutritious an fillin fur yer tea's annaw .

Huv a maist excellent scran wherrer that be minced or orrerwise ...Heeeeeeeeucht!

 

Links :

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_real_McCoy