Valentine's

February 14th
Valentine’s Day, also called Saint Valentine’s Day or the Feast of Saint Valentine, is celebrated annually on February 14

According to an early tradition, Saint Valentine restored sight to the blind daughter of his jailer. Numerous later additions to the legend have better related it to the theme of love: an 18th-century embellishment to the legend claims he wrote the jailer’s daughter a letter signed “Your Valentine” as a farewell before his execution.
The day became associated with romantic love in the 14th and 15th centuries when notions of courtly love flourished, apparently by association with the “lovebirds” of early spring.

Today it is Valantines Day, and know whit ? Aye exactly ,a forgot..

A hasty trip doon the street thought I tae me 
Or you will be gettin fuck all fur yer tea 
(A wee bit poetry thrown in ther seeing as it's Valentine's Day) 

So off I toddled in a shoppingly direction ,which is a heading of Easterly tae grid reference A then veer North tae grid reference Shops when leaving via the front of ma hoose if you happen tae be using a compass ,but moi here requires not such directional aids, I use the sun and the stars for navigational guidance ,anyway a huv been tae the shops wance before ,so I know fur a fact they are doon at the end of the street ,unless somebody has moved them, so by using this logic and ma powers of deduction, I wid presume that they wid still be situated in roughly the same place .

I wis well prepared wae my previously written shoppin list which read ‘Get Sweeties’ ,but while a wis donnerin doon the street I thought for the convenience of speed ,a wid jist get the higher up wan an Easter Egg oan this particular Valentine’s Day as there is usually an over abundance of such produce in the shops fae Boxin Day onwards , anyway they will probably be sold oot of selection boxes by noo  .

In a stoats tae the store and hus a deek 

A hud a wee deek here 
Then a hud a wee deek ther 
And then a hud another deek 
Away over there .
(Mair poetry ther ) 

Whit in the name of the Rolling Stones ! Nae giant stacks of chocolate eggs ,not even wan as in singular ,shoorlies surely this can not be the case ?

I grabs yer man ther, who wis diligently and with much artistry unboxing then carefully layering individual packets of assorted crisps over extended areas of the empty shelves , I suppose jist tae make it look like they actually had produce fur sale , so a says tae he…”What is the script wae ther bein nae Easter Eggs oan display fur tae purchase, hauf way through February ?”

And Mr Stock Take replies ” I am very sorry Mr Bampot Customer Sir ,but this is due to a series of unfortunate events ,a cumulative combination of factors, firstly the Chocolate Chickens which lay the eggs have all come down with Avian Flu ,so they have not been laying for months .The Easter Bunny ,who contrary to popular belief does not lay eggs and only delivers them, is currently out on strike and finally thanks to Brexit red tape leading to considerable extra financial cost we no longer import chocolate eggs ,and just before you further enquire, we also huv nae real eggs either .

“Thank you stout Keeper of the Shelf fur yer honest apraisal and comprehensive informity of the situation ,I sincerely hope that you find sufficiently numerous in number ,individual packets of savoury snacks that might keep yersel in gainful employment throughout the forthcoming weeks and months , fortunately automated checkoots can not stack shelves ,but now good sir I must bid you farewell ,as on this day I am in pursuit of sweeties of the luxurious kind afore it becomes this night ” ..Says I tae the Shelfbroker before continuing oan ma quest fur some kind of enticing confectionary product which could then be used in the negotiations that might generate ma special Valentine’s Day tea ,a slap up feast which wid mair than likely not be forthcoming if I returned empty handed on this global day of distressing emotional affection.

Aye well tae be honest ma search wis far fae fruitful ,simply because the shops were fruitless annaw, but oan the brighter side, I did manage tae purchase two packets of digestive biscuits ,a packet of custard creams and a big fuck off bar of cooking chocolate ,this wid certainly endure the Outwardly Mobile wan tae ma presence at hame the night ,so ma slap up Valentine’s Day dinner is practically oan the table.

For my ultimate thoughtful gift though a managed through a combination of dogged foraging and mass corporate promotion , namely a leaflet that came through the door , tae procure a massive  helium filled red heart shaped balloon wae a pink ribbon ,from within the prestigious establishment known throughout the civilised world as Bargain Buys, the shop wher the cost of everything is roon aboot a bit mair than a pound . 

Unfortunately ,and you will simply not believe this bit ,as a matter of fact I had a hard job believing it masel , but oan ma wae back up the road wae this giant gaseous blimp ,fae oot of nowhere an American F-16 fighter jet flew doon fae approximately 40,000 feet up in the sky, then fur nae apparent reason ,blew the balloon tae fuckin bits wae rockets and shit ,I will tell you this ,I am lucky tae be alive. I hud initially presumed that the managerial of the selling agent where the ballon purchase was concluded, had reported a defect in the dirigible tae the Chinese manufacturer of the product and that this communication had been misinterpreted by the authorities , who had then sent this ordnance heading my way in an attempt to ‘Blow Up’ the balloon ,as in ‘inflate’ rether than ‘Tae Fuck’

Well that is not exactly factually true although these things have been known to happen ,but that is the story I will be imparting when a get hame , and as confirmatory evidence I still huv the string and bits of balloon tae prove it . Jist maybe no in a court of law or tae a psychiatrist, but hey this is a mere triviality .

Whit actually happened wis that I felt like a right eejit wandering up the road hauding a big fuck off helium filled heart shaped balloon oan the end of a pink ribbon ,so I tried tae ram the hing up ma jersey so nobody wid see it and know whit ? Aye ,exactly the fuckin hing burst a hunner yards fae ma hoose . So rether than relying oan the two packets of digestives , packet of custard creams and the big fuck off bar of cooking chocolate guaranteeing ma special dinner ,a jist decided tae fabricate a story ,which wis a risky strategy ,but I hud already formulated another plan anyway ,a plan that wis actually a stroke of pure genius oan ma behalf .

I thought whit a wid dae wis that a wid get ma guitar oot and dae a bit of serenading ,this would withoot fail go doon well wae a plate of biscuits .

As soon as a got hame a got ma guitar oot and intae near enough tune in preparation fur a night of musical bliss ,I hud become quite adept a tuning ma guitar over the years ,I had actually become so proficient at twanging the strings that under normal circumstances I could get the instrument sounding like somebody hud just stood oan the cat in under three hours and today wis no exception ,efter just two hours and forty five minutes, eerie tones wir emanating fae the sound box .

All is good tae go wae the tunes ,thought I tae me ,this is most excellent and I still hud over an hour before the return of the Outwardly Mobile tae manufacturer a romantic card which wid be hand drawn oan a crisp sheet of A4 Inkjet paper using ma ain personal crayons and then lovingly inscribed wae messages straight fae ma ain heid .This wid surely be a night tae remember fur the rest of the day.

All the prep work wis done ,the card wis made, the intricate jumbo wax crayon artwork was quite astonishing fur an adult even although I say so myself ,the kettle wis oan ,the biscuits wir carefully situated roon the edge of a plate ,the cooking chocolate wis wrapped up in a leftover piece of Xmas paper and the evidence for the wilful destruction of the big fuck off balloon by an American F- 16 fighter jet lay oan the kitchen table ..

The higher up wan arrived , I poured the tea and proceed tae explain the series of sinister events that had taken place that day and withoot sayin a word the chief executive of the household grabbed her tea and moved on intae the living room ,sat doon wae her tablet ,pit the earphones in then searched fur a Midsomer Slaughter ,Miss Poirot or some other entertainingly high body count fur tae view.

Right time fur the surprise serenading thought I ,this will for defo raise a smile and induce mellow vibes, but whit tae play first ? Efter a wee think ,I grabbed the guitar and strolled in batterin oot Mellow Yellow while chanting the only words I could remember which wir

I'm fuckin madder than Saffron
Saffron's no madder than me
They call me Electrical banana's

Electrical banana's ur gonna be a sudden craze
Electrical banana 
Is no quite the same as three phase 
Mellooow Yeeellooow ..meeeeow 
They call me Mellow Yellow meeow meow.. meeow ..meow

These glaring staring penetrating eyes just looked up fae the tableted earphone ,this was not the desired affect ,think again head ,think again, play somethin else. Right thought ma intuitive brain tae itself ,I shall do The house of the rising sun ,a popularity of much renown and universal favourite which always goes down well .

Off I went finger pickin away while chantin ‘There is a house in New Orleans they call the rising su.u .u ‘Wait a minute here which chord comes next ,it is G then F or is it C , is G even fuckin in this wan?  I huv no played this fur so long I huv forgotten ,so I sat doon and started again ‘ There  is a house in n.e.ww’ Nope thats no right ,try it again fingers ‘ There is a house ,there is a’ 

This wis when the senior partner looked up fae her embedded ear pods and sais tae me.. “Will ” 

She calls me Will quite often even although that’s no ma name , she usually calls me  Will Youfuckinshutup 

But not tonight ,tonight she said ..”Will Yougieitafuckinrest “

And a replies ,But I am practicing 

Then rather harshly she says to me..  ” You have been practicing for 35 years and you have still not learned that chord “

Which although being the case was quite savage ,well fae ma point of view anyway ,especially efter all ma effort tae get the guitar nearly intae some kind of tune ,but hey who needs chords anyway ,I have been unsuccessfully improvising for 35 years wae oot them ,as long as you know the words .

But that’s the other problem ,I don’t know the words tae the chords a canny play either ,so when I dae play somethin it is mair like ‘Name That Tune ‘ rether than a faithful rendition.

I wis hinkin aboot takin up the bellow organ anyway ,I saw wan fur sale in the charity shop this morning while a wis doon the street ,the only hing wrang wae it is that the bellows are fucked ,but hey that could be most advantageous ..Aye

So fur a’ you’se Valentino’s oot ther today here is a wee love song fae a bygone era which should get each and every wan of you’se a’ smoochie , feel free tae sing along and I hope you’se a’ huv a spectacularly lovingly day ..

Funny thing what love can do
Take a little look at me
Yesterday was so blue
Bluer than the deep blue sea
Now I’m singing
Whistlinng a tune
All the live long day
If you want to know just why
I can truthfully say;

I’ve got a feeling i’ve found her
It was something she said
She’s got me walkin on
The tip of my toes and my hat
On the side of my head.

All my troubles are mended
Cause she’s my needle and thread
She’s got me walkin on the
Tip of my toes and my hat
On the side of my head.