Mattress
6th February
Mattress definition : A mattress is a large, usually rectangular pad for supporting a lying person. It is designed to be used as a bed, or on a bed frame as part of a bed. A fabric case filled with soft, firm, or springy material, used for sleeping on.
Well that disnae describe the hing I was sleeping oan
Ma reclining requirements are not ostentatious ,but I do prefer the kind of mattress wan might actually choose tae lie doon oan of an evening rether than the type of hygroscopic composite sponge that until recently occupied the depression in ma bed frame which wis described in the manufacturers advertisement as ‘The only mattress capable of allowing the subconscious tae achieve sleep wellness ‘. Whereas in factuality , in order tae catch some shut eye ,I hud tae wait until I wis in a state of semi unconsciousness before venturing anywhere near ma zed bed
Aye well anyway ,whit wae me bein exceptionally good last year Santa agreed tae bring me a new comfy mattress oan the condition that I picked it masel.
“This I shall do wae oot hesitation Santa me auld altruist” ..Sais I tae the Big Red ..So wae oot further provocation I escorted ma personage doon tae oor wan and only local retailer of bedding and hud a wurd wae Mr Comfy Snooze himsel.
I entered the shop and was greeted by Mr Rather Dozy the head assistant sleep agent who says tae I ” Good morning sir ,what can I do for you ?”
This got me worried, fur a start as it was two o’clock in the afternoon ,so a sais tae the assisted checkout “Firstly you know ma name is not sir ,secondly you huv done me oan mair than wan previous occasion and thirdly, moi here wid prefer tae discuss his personal insomnia during public consultation wae the proprietor of this slumbering establishment ,in person.
Near instantaneously oot fae under a Silent Night pops yer man Mr Snooze himsel and sais ” Good morning Mr Bampot , nice to see you again ,what can I do you for ?”
I must be in some kinda space time continuum or a parallel universe here ,either that or ma watch is fucked and I got up in the middle of the night ,hud ma breakfast at dinner time and got here tomorrow , jings !
Aye so a says tae the Slumber fella ..”I would like a mattresses ,a comfy mattress ,wan that I might choose tae sleep oan rether than wan I am forced tae wriggle aboot oan a’ night ,I am lookin fur a deep luxurious comfortable ,orthopedic or otherwise , you know the type I mean , exactly the same kind of mattress you guaranteed the last wan you selt me wis ”
And wae oot hesitation off we went tae inspect the limited choice.
” Step this way “..sais the sleepologist tae me.. ” This is our top seller ,the extra thick Memory Sponge Antiperspirant Mark 5 “
I hud tae stop the sellers manship patter ther and then and remind Mr Slumbersome of oor previous encounter.. “Jist you stall right ther wae yer remarkable memory sponge ,you selt me wan of them at an extortionate knock doon overdraught rupturing price last year if you remember ,on the falsified pretext that I would know slumber like never before, yer exact words were.. ‘The Antiperspirant Mark 5 remembers every bodily contour and allows a comfortable ,undisturbed full nights sleep without the aid of Benzodiazepines or alcohol induced inebriation .’
Well let me tell you this ,yer advertisemal claims about the products memorial delineation wir wan hunner percent correct ,the Antiperspirant Mark 5’s recollection of ma bodily contours wir so fuckin precise, the hing formed itsel intae a permanent mould of ma fetal position ,a depression, a hole, call these memory capabilities whitever you like ,but out of the six luxurious inches of remarkable mesmerising luxury sponge, I actually only ever got tae sleep oan the bottom hauf inch.
As fur the anti perspiring bit , it wis like sleepin in a fuckin plastic bag ,I hud tae wring the recollecting memory oot every morning even when the in between sheet humidity was less than the average daily recorded around the Valley of the Moon in the fuckin Atacama Desert. The foam does have quite remarkable water extraction and retaining capabilities ,I am quite sure it could be configured for purposeful use in parched arid climates tae extract wa’ter directly fae the atmosphere .
Plus tae top a’ this aff ,in the morning when I did eventually manage tae scale the sheer vertical sides and mountaineer ma way out of the mesmerising mould ,then threw two quilts oan tap of the mattress in an attempt to conceal hing ,ma bed always looked like it wis a partially collapsed sink hole surrounded by the chalk body outline fae a murder scene.
Anyway I cut the remarkable memory up fur the dug tae pish oan and even he disn’ae find it luxurious or comforting ,the smart fella usually hus a wee paw at the hing ,does a couple of circles oan the tap of it, then plonks himsel doon oan the flair.
No memory foam ,a wa’nt an auld fashioned proper mattress wae springs.”
Next up Mr Silent Night introduces me tae the Juvenile Bouncy , a deep and sumptuous series of chain linked latex concealed within a polyurethane bag with a memory foam topper ,described as a satisfying sleep for the more active orthopaedic
Wance again a hud tae rebuff this promotion of miraculous foam by enquiring of yer man whit bit of the nae fuckin foam in the mattress he didn’y unnerstaun.
This went oan right roon the shop until eventually we chanced upon the Axel Spring Shock Absorber Comatose Delux ,a 2ft deep luxurious ,stuffed wae fire resistant coconut husks and various other weight distributing non combustibles ,this mattress was so springy that it could be repurposed for use as an indoor trampoline oan those rainy days .
“That’s the job fur me ” ..Sais I tae the hibernation
“You can empty ma bank card right now this very minute on the condition you deliver the item later in whatever time zone you happen to be occupying, as long as the hing reaches ma hoose before tomorrow “
The deal was struck and the luxury comfort arrived at ma door before I had even strolled the 500 yards up the road .Now fur a wee change bed time was starting to have some appeal.
Aye well the cauld dark festive nights came and went in relative comfort , it wisnae until around the January 15th I started noticing some unmentioned anomalies .
Ther wis me lying ther listening tae ma audibles of an evening when I leant over tae press the Android operating system wae wireless transmitting capabilities, fur nae other purpose than tae illuminate ma perception of reality ,as masel hud become inquisitive of whit time of the dark it actually wis, when fae oot of nowhere ther was this deep and vibrating ..Boing ! Whit the frolics wis that thought I ?
The next night ther wis me wance again at the horizontal in relative comfort wae the sounds oan, when an hour intae ma relaxation ..Boing.. the same thing happened , this sudden unwarranted echoing boingy vibration compelled me tae inadvertently move ma leg ,an action which once again resulted in wan tumultuous ..Boing ..but this time followed by two lesser more restrained double ..Boing..Boings !
Right time tae look up the manufacturers warranty fur this coconut stuffed coil thought I ,something I should huv done before I had first reclined oan the comfort .
And know whit ? Ther wis the answer staring me straight in the face ,pages 7 tae 9 in the instructions fur sleep , specification and components section of the manufacturers, not fur human elucidation manual .
It turns oot that I am not slumbering oan any auld springs ,I am lying oan state of the art memory springs made from top secret alloys designed by NASA using reverse engineered alien technology for use in the propulsion systems of Saturn 5 rockets and B-2 Health Bombers . These alloys are only produced at one secret location situated somewhere beneath Los Alamos National Laboratory and are forged using still highly classified methods in the worlds first solar powered, nuclear fusion plasmatronic blast furnace.
The manual states that the outer springs are a Tungsten alloy and the central weight bearing coils are Titanium ,these springs are specifically designed to remember how long they have been under sustained compression .
And according tae page 8 of the manual section B subparagraph (ii) Presets,Timers and Avoiding Electrocution When Using Electric Blankets or Any Direct Attachment to Alternating Current :-
It seems that because I generally lie motionless while listening tae gash fur an hour in ma pit afore deciding it is lights oot, then stupidly lean sideways tae reach fur the bedside light switch ,I have by this impulsive maneuver created a quantifiable weight distribution which has either released the tension or exerted further compression in one or more of the springs.
This defining movement has now alerted the recollecting coils to the specific time period between sustained compression and movement which is then recorded within the compressive memory of these smart springs .
The result of this advancement in technology means that wae oot fail, every night wan or more springs will automatically restore it’s equilibrium with a ..BOING.. Jist tae remind me when I should be turning aff the light tae go tae sleep , it is jist like huvin yer very ain personal Zebedee fae the Magic Roundabout .
But this mattresses capabilities go even further than that .
According to the manufactures literature ,the central core super robust Titanium alloy memory springs are designed to recall exactly tae the minute, how long they remain under compression every night ,so fur example ,if yer alarm clock failed tae go aff wan morning there would be absolutely no chance of yer sleeping in ,because if you were to remain comatose 5 minutes longer than the springs memorised compression time ,these super memory coils would automatically release the previous nights pent up tension in unison propelling the occupant vertically at some velocity ,a force of several G’s tae be precise , a force powerful enough tae catapult the unconscious straight through the bedroom ceiling without forewarning .
Wae ma newfound knowledge of this advanced technology I am reassured that never again shall I sleep in or be late for an appointment .
But whit if you wa’nt a lie in ? ,I hear you’se ask
Fear not ,this problem hus a’ready been resolved by the Intergalactic blacksmiths working in Area 51 .
Tae wipe the memory fae the coils and restore the springs tae ther normal uncompressed tension, all you huv tae dae is turn the mattress over, jump up and doon oan it fur hauf an hour then gie the hing a jolly decent kicking.
So fur those of you who wonner why I am jumpin aboot like a maddy oan ma bed of a Saturday evening or notice masel tae be seemingly batterin fuck oot ma mattress wae a baseball bat fur no apparent reason , ther is yer answer , I am restoring the equilibrium in the memory coils so that a don’t end up splattered a’ over ma bedroom ceiling at hauf seven oan a Sunday morning .
I hope this hus cleared up yer wonderings as tae why a huv discourse wae Zebedee every night jist afore a turn the light oot ,ther is nae mystery here, all I am actually doing is conversing wae the modern technology incorporated within ma coils, obviously tae reassure the memories that ma alarm clock is set .
Ther ye go ,that wis ma today’s diary ,I can only hope that this journal entry hus highlighted tae the world the very serious problem of over processed mattresses.
And as fur those whit hink that a um no quite a full packet of digestive biscuits or the sausage short of a savoury pastry . Ma only defence is that unlike the Tories , ther is in fact ,a wee glimmer of truth in maist of ma haverin gibberish ,maybe no an awfy lot , but ther is some . Aye !
So wae oot further ado here is a wee outta this world song wae ‘BOINGS ‘ in it ,jist tae cheer you'se up
I hope that you all have a most excellent day and a happy dream filled night.
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