Fog

January 24th

I opened the curtains only to be greeted with a view of grey nothing ,barely visible were the trunks of the trees not twenty yards away ,this was indeed a foggy day.

“I wonder if you can measure fog density wae a tape measure ? ” said I tae me 

And that wis just the start of the ridiculous , ma singel celled internal hard drive had kicked in and started asking itsel stupit questions that it already knew it could not answer ,questions such as

How thick is fog ?

How is fog thickness measured ?

What are you supposed to be doing today?

I will tell you this, ma Inquisition knows no bounds .So jist tae keep the auld grey matter happy and tae let it know that it is genuinely appreciated for the part it plays in ma daily existence , I informed ma heid that a wid personally use ma fingers tae ask the meteorological department at the Googlies exactly what today’s visual impairment wis all aboot .

I turned on the data harvesting devise and typed in .. type ,type, type ,well I think that is how you spell fog ,then I focused oan the screen and enquired of the illumination ..”OK Googlies what huv you got ?

First up wae the informatics wis Wikipedia who state :-

Fog is a visible aerosol consisting of tiny water droplets or ice crystals suspended in the air at or near the Earth’s surface. Fog can be considered a type of low-lying cloud usually resembling stratus.

” Is that a fact ? ” .. I informed the illuminating binary code .. “Aye well my incredible intellect already knew that bit Wikipedic dudes ,but how do you measure the density of fog ,was my question today Googlies me auld bots ,I take it that you require more specific input ?”

Talking tae the machine ,as you do ,still meant that I hud tae severely vex my fingers while I spoke and typed today’s question ‘How do you know how thick fog is ?’

You see ,ther is  another contentious point jist proven by ma personal experimentations ,it is in fact actually possible for a male of the species tae dae mair than wan hing at a time ,if like masel ,said male jist happens tae be ambidextrous and intuitive that is !

Well ,I know when the Postie hus been because ther ur letters lying oan the flair ,so I wid presume this wid fit the requirements fur intuitionism and in addition tae that, I can move baith ma hauns aboot at the same time when required ,if that’s whit bein ambiguous means then I can for defo wave baith ma hauns in the air at the same time , and fur tae prove this ,a jist did it. Haw wait a minute here this must mean that baith ma arms ur dextrose annaw , jingszo I even surprise masel wae ma capabilities at times ,is ther nae limit tae ma bodily functions ?

I digress ,anyway the Googles then take me tae The University of Meteorologist where I cast my eyes doon the haverin gibberrish and think ,OK ,we shall just forgoe that bit and move on .

That will be the research part of the process completed then ,now it is time for me tae write up ma research paper wae the method , the results ,a discussion and formulate a conclusion ,in layman’s terms , So efter ma papers Peer review and publication , unlike masel ,you’se should then be able tae unnerstaun fur yersels how fog density is measured ,but then again I am not promising any significant breakthrough in the field droplet quantification ,as a matter of fact ,I am no even gonny state that you will unnerstaun whit I am sleverin aboot ,cause lets face facts here , if a huv’ny got a dinky whit I am oan aboot , then whit fuckin chance dae you’se huv ? .. Aye

Right ,oan tae the formulated crux in laymen’s terms 

Ma paper entitled : How do you Know How Thick Fog Is ?

1: Research method .. We searched Google using the words fog ,thick as fuck fog and how to measure fog with a stick or any other sampling devise you might find in the average household kitchen, this resulted in 101 papers filled with total gibberish ,bullshit or a combination of both which met the criteria of thick as fuck fog . These were then cross referenced and totally ignored.

2: Results .. Out of the 101 identified papers ,I read the abstract of one ,started to read another then said fuck this shit 

3: Discussion .. Fog is a low lying cloud ,there is not much more to discuss apart from there not being a ,one word, simpletons answer to the question of how do you measure the thickness of fog .

In addition ,with myself not owning or having access to a nephelometer and not wanting to get too technical ,which would only further compound my confusion ,I decided to formulate my own foggy thickness scale ,this may just sound like even more illegible technical jargon to the unenlightened meteoric  ,but I can quite assure you ,it is not a patch on the incomprehensible haverin shite that’s written in The University of Meteorological’ s page ,trust me on that wan .

Conlusion

On completion of this not very extensive and totally pointless research the royal ‘we’ can now inform you that due to some slight evaporation ,today’s visibility has now reached  ‘A Bit ‘ meaning that you can now see all of the trees at the bottom of the garden, rather than just their trunks, but visibility is still limited . Whereas an hour or two earlier ,whilst I was electronically researching water droplet density ,if you were to use my Bampot’s international definition of fog thickness scale, this mornings visibility would have been classified as ‘ Foggy As Fuck ‘

Therefore with this recent improvent in the external visibility it is time to move on to today’s next question which is ..What are you supposed to be doing today ? 

Well ,what exactly are you supposed to be doing today ? 

mmm? I only huv wan option open tae me noo which is to look at the sticky note board and read the ‘And So It Is Written ‘ stuff. You know like the biblical commandments ,except there are 28 fuckin commandments pasted a’ over this memo board ,and they are a’ maistly aimed at masel such as commandment wan ‘Thou shalt not liquidise soup , or no tae pit too fine a point oan it , Thoust Bampot shalt not touch the fuckin blender under any circumstance ,not ever ,upon pain of receiving my cosmic boot ,right up yer crevice , signed The Higher Up Wan.

I don’t know where the blender is planked these days anyway and I am not making soup so jist tae avoid confusion I shall simply ignore that note today ,that wan only really applies oan ma adventurous days when a get the big electric pot oot.

So I had a deek at the board and low and befuck, right there in front of my nose, in big black felt tipped pen letters filling a full A4 sheet of paper ,todays commandment reads..Do the washing before the outwardly mobile wan returns .

” Is that it ? Ha not a problemo ” ..Says I tae me ..” Wa’shin is easy ,you just fill the machine ,push the button then drink tea until the cycle has finished . Oakally Doakally lets get this machine filled and burlin then we can get back tae daein nothing “
Note * The aforementioned ‘we’ wis the royal ‘we’, as in masel ,that I was talking tae masel aboot ther, just in case yoose thought there wir two of us home alone today .*

Back to the wa’shin.
Right so I opens up the machine ,bunged in a pile of the rankness straight fae the mank bag ,put the kettle oan for a nice refreshing pint of tea then thought to myself ,you really must pay attention to what you are doing and put the washing liquid into the washing machine dispenser and not the teapot ,ya feckin eejit.
I huv tae admit , a really hate it when I dae that ,it takes aboot ten washes tae get the residue and highly floral scent oot of the teapot again. And anyway why are kettles and teapots always placed on the worktop above the wa’shin machine dispenser ,that is just asking for trouble if you ask me ,who thought to put them there eh ? Fuckin idiot .Oh it was me who decided tae station the tea tray and kettle there was it ,well you wa’nt tae huv a serious fuckin word wae yersel boy , eejit
I shall remedy this problem later but first I huv tae rinse the soap oot of the teapot, get the wa’shin machine oan and make the tea .

Aye ,so anyway I filled the machine ,turned it oan at gas mark 2 ,made the tea , went tae sit doon wae ma refreshing pint of piping hot sustenance when I tripped over this big fuck off wicker basket thing that some haufwit hud left lying aboot in the middle of the kitchen flair . Jings feckin oh, I could huv scalded ma wee toes aff !

“I hud better move that hing afore somebody like masel gets hurt here” Thought me tae I

So a lifted the lid  fur a squint inside, jist tae see whit I would be shifting and  eeeeeecks !! Whit the fuu lip flops is this?

Inside this big fuck off basket wis dirty wa’shin ,thousands of it !

Where does all this dirty washing come from ?

I will tell you this , now that I am in charge of scrubbery there is going to be a radical rethink of what falls into the category of manky washing in this house. Presently ther seems to be two categories of soiled garment

1: Their category of dirty wa’shin  : Somethin they hud oan ther back fur an hour yesterday.
2: My requirements for removing garb fur the winter wa’sh : The vest you put oan last year has now burst at the seam and needs to be restitched , the knee of your thermals requires darning ,anything else can remain wrapped aroon yer personage until the days of wa’rmer weather when the noo degreased cleanly rags can be hung ootside tae air dry, lets face up tae the facts here ,you can only hing so much wa’shin up oan the pulley.
It’s either that or we ur gonny need a bigger wa’shin machine and passports fur a wa’rm dry climate because wae oor winter weather here oan the West coast of Scotland maistly being dreich , pishin doon ,blowin a hooley and fuckin Baltic ,we do not huv the ideal climate fur hangin the wa’shin ootside tae dry , saying that some days it isnae pishin doon ,blowin a hooley and fuckin Baltic a’ at the same time ,some days it jist pishes doon .

Aye well anyway , while I was sitting oan tap of the washin machine ,drinkin ma tea and philosophising wae ma cerebral fluids aboot the best way tae prevent further tumultuous vibration , ma wee lonely neuron said tae itsel . 
“Did you know that wan trillion ,wan pence coins wid weigh roon aboot 3 650 000 000 000 grams which works oot at 574776612.1248593 stone which is 3592353.825780371204 Imperial tons?

And I answered masel wae “Well naw , actually a didnae , why dis yer neurological self enquire ?”

But this preventative interruption by masel wis tae no avail ,the challenge tae prove this one penny calculation wae hard science hud been set in ma ain heid , fortunately I huv a tin of dross kicking aboot that is presently bein yased as a door stop.

So tae prove the point I emptied the tin of scrap intae the pan oan the kitchen scales and did a weigh in , fortunately these scales wir tae haun ,whit wae me already being in the kitchen .A hud considered using the bathroom scales as the measurement devise, but unfortunately they don’t measure trivial amounts , plus they wirny in the kitchen at the time in question as we usually keep them in the bog ,just in case somebody who is inquisitive of ther girth wa’nts tae staun oan the hings .

Tae be quite honest wae you this present bathroom device designed for measuring weight hus always been a wee bitty too complicated fur ma ain personal limitedness, I am never sure if the measurements oan display are in Grammatical Pounds or Kilostones.

When a wis a juvenile things were much simpler ,if I had taken tae be inclined that I should enquire of ma volume,a jist nipped doon tae the train station ,stuck a coin in the machine which would print oot yer weight in pounds shillings and pence oan a wee paper ticket that you could then save as proof of identity ,or wis that fur tae get oan tae the platform ? I canny remember , but I wis always 5d bang on anyway ,until that fateful day ma weight doubled tae 10d overnight !

See that is me away aff the subject again ,a huv lost the plot noo and huv’ny got a Scooby whit a wis dribblin aboot ,therefore masel shall be required tae dae a reading recap afore we continue ..Recap Recap ..That wis me jist reading back this pish tae masel ther in an effort tae discover whit pointless point in the days diary we huv reached .. Oh aye the results of the 1p weigh in.

The results : It seems that a huv 10 ounces, give or take an inch ,of the copper wanners ,a hink ma calculators calculation makes it that a must huv aboot 78 of the scrap value, it sure beats counting the hings .

Counting the wee 1p’s individually can be somewhat time consuming and a tad boring .I once got to 42 pence in singular 1p’s late wan night and became so bored during the numerical process that I fell straight back aff the bus and the hing jist drove away !

Right you ,will you get oan wae it ,nae mair digressing and git tae the fruition of this mince, if ther actually is a point you will be reaching at some point , this is what happens when you gee yer neurologicals free reign .

(That wis jist me huvin a wee word wae ma brain cell ther ,purely fur ma ain benefit ,you’se can jist skip that last bit if you wa’nt ,it hus nothing whatsoever tae dae wae the plot of which ther isnae wan.)

(This is me back tae the plot of which ther isnae wan noo) :- If I wis gonny be scientifically professional, I wid have tae prove ma calculations ,therefore a manual and dexterous physical count yasin the appendages attached tae ma hauns wis in order . I counted and counted ,and do you know what ? In the end up I hud aboot 68 in number of the hings ,I say aboot ,as in roughly, because ma numerical strategy wis tae pile the wee 1p’s up in columns of ten but the wee fuckers kept falling over at the height of eight, give or take a 1p or two , so not all the piles contained exactly ten peas, the final tally wis therefore a guesstimate .

But this is not even the point ,the point is that if I had another couple of hundred thousand tons of the wee copper 1p’s ,ma calculations ,whether measured by weight or manual dexterity ,wid huv been totally oot by totally billions if not hunners of gram’s ,whitever that works oot tae be in hard cash I huv nae idea ,but efter today’s research a wid hazard a guess at roon aboot under a fiver ,or somewhere in the region of £3.67.

So the moral of the days diary is

Do not calculate the weight of your wealth in trillions whilst laundering yer personal finances and you’se are aware that accumulated wealth only looks guid oan paper or a computer screen because jist like time, money disnae fuckin exist ,and the real point of the matter is ,ye canny eat either ,full stop . Well I suppose you could eat the paper that the amount of cash was written oan ,but I huv nae idea whit the nutritional value of paper is ,neither in calories or 1p’s.

And oan that note ,I am away tae watch some fog in the snaw over in The Grand Budapest Hotel

You’se a’ huv a maist excellent day whitever yer up tae