Mince,Tatties and Soup

December 18th

In the language of the Scot the weather has turned Pure Baltic which on the mercury scale means that it is minus – minus both outside and in . With weather like this ,wholesome nutritional traditional fare is required , thermally dynamic sustenance that will warm the furthermost extremities of our peely-wally mammalian condition.

The skills of the Aquascaper are not required during the frigid months ,therefore life for the cold water aquarist can become somewhat tedious during the long hibernationary months , this is the time of year when less perilous pastimes are required to fill the empty void in yer ordinary ,average thrill seekers quest fur a dead interesting and excitement filled life .

I was considering self trepanation ,but the problem wae this is that wance you huv achieved the initial gratification of an influx of fresh air tae the brain, the resulting exhilaration quickly transforms intae agonising discomfort ,anyway ,these days I jist leave major surgery tae the professionals ,as I never seem tae huv the appropriate surgical implements tae hand .

And before you ask .Naw , a battery screwdriver fitted wae a holesaw bit, is not considered tae be a traditional form of trepanation, the ancient skill of trepanning ,which wis passed doon fae father tae whoever survived the skull tap over the generations, is in yer choice of chisel , because traditionally ,in ancient times, trepanation required the initiate tae tap the heidcase oot . Aye .

.Top Tip There :- Gonny no try this at hame !! ..I am only yasing Trepanation as a descriptive term fur ma total disinclination when it comes tae incinerating digestible produce .

But as it turned oot ,combusting a variety of ingredients within a liquid base over an open flame, seemed oan a cold day ,tae fit the bill for a ‘ this could turn oot tae be quite a dangerous project ‘ , so it wis wae reluctance a concluded that the carbonisation of once thriving biological organisms was ma ticket tae gluttonous fulfilment ,but what tae cook wis the big question oan my still enclosed mind .

It was at the minus six degree mark oan the internal thermometer ,that ma acute recollection, retained somewhere within ma unresponsive frozen brain ,somehow managed tae recall a traditional dish which wis related tae masel ,wae some difficulty I might add , many years ago .

I present tae you ,the infamous and controversial Mince and Tattie Soup recipe .

Note : When a say this recipe wis related tae masel ,I do not mean that I huv a second cousin or other close family member , who wis minced and boiled wae carrots until tender . Whit a mean is that this recipe wis verbally recited tae masel by somebody I do not even know oan a social basis . I hope this clears up any cannibalistic confusion .

And it is at this point I hear your verbal taste buds scream ..”Mince and Tattie soup ? Ther’s nae such culinary ”

And masel shall retort wae ..” Withhold yer aversion, there is no need tae adjust yer spectacles ,your eyes do not deceive, the soup I am suggesting , is in fact made fae, mince and tatties ,and a few other in greedy ants . ” 

Aye, well, anyway ,tae cut tae the chase ,a gleaned this traditional Scottish recipe during an unsuccessful attempt at confabulation wae an aged thespian ,who during the rationed days of war, tread the boards of the number 15 tram reciting the works of the great bard William Topaz McGonagal while demanding tickets, then finished her act by screaming ‘Come oan get aff’ ..

She gradually released the ingredients of this delicacy tae masel over an extended period of time ,whether I wa’nted tae hear it or no, and all this wis taking place while a wis replacing her doorsteps as they hud been tread wance too often.

From what I could gather by reading between the lines of this somewhat elongated conversation, it seems that rationing during the war meant that clippies along wae everybody else hud tae improvise, as a result the Mince and Tattie Soup wis invented so that yer weekly hauf pun of shredded animal carcass ,bag of spuds and allotment variables ,might sustain the average wartime family of twenty six.

The conversation kind of went as follows :

” Will you be wanting a wee cup of tea Mr Bampot son ? I am making some mince and tattie soup anyway, so I can put the kettle oan “

So fur jist tae be polite a says ” Naw ,no thank you Mrs Ancient Thesp ,I huv a flask in ma piece bag , mince and tattie soup that sounds interesting ,you will need to give me the recipe for that “

Then the aged Mrs T continued ” I wid be delighted to give you the recipe son ,remind me to give you it before you go , we used to make it during the war you know because of the rationing “

“Rationed soup “..Says I in reply ..” Sounds authentic stuff Mrs T ,I shall give it a bash , but remember you will have to use the other door today as we are just about to replace your steps ,so I will lock this door for now ”

Then thinking the coast wis clear ,I picked up ma hammer tae take a swing when fae out of the blue an ancient voice announced ..”I fought in the war you know son “.

” You did ! “.. Exclaimed I ,while recoiling in shock at the aged apparitions reappearance ,and no jist because a wis in mid swing wae the six pounder ,but for the simple reason I hud jist personally locked the back door prior tae the removal of the tap two stair treads ,and my initial vision was that of the aged recital being wheeched away wae the blue lights flashing efter a rapid decent doon the noo cavernous void that mere minutes tae the previous hud been a staircase .

” That must huv been a terrible experience fur you Mrs Aged “..I panted efter the minor heart attack.. ” Who did you fight with?”

And she replied ..”When ?”

Obviously ma next exclamation wis ..” During the war “

And she says ” Aye a remember the war son we hud rationing you know “

By this point ma brain wis desperately trying tae configure the intelligence it hud received thus far ,so a sais tae the excessive of years  ” Was there also rationing oan the front line ,where you wir fighting , during the war Mrs Thespian ? “

And the reply from the numerous annual advancement wis .. ” Me ? Fighting , during the war ? Yer right son ,so I was, how did you know that ? I wis fightin wae that big Isa fae roon the corner over a packet of corn plasters ,it was the last packet you know son ,and ma feet wir killin me because we were on oor feet all day oan the trams . We had rationing during the war you know son and you jist could not get corn plasters for love nor money ,unless you went oan the black market that is . Then wee Margaret fae up the street butted in and said why don’t you share them ,so that was what we did and we got four each .”

Aye ,thought I ‘ This fuckin soup recipe is gonny be good ‘ 

Anyway I persevered and finally got there ,I had nae fuckin choice noo that the aged hyperactive had discovered the spare door key . So here is the recipe I received under duress ,which I shall now relate tae yersels ,so that should you desire ,you tae can replicate this authenticity and gee yersel’s the realistic flavouring of wartime rationing .

A wid jist like tae thank the most wonderful wan time clippie and noo retired amateur dramatist, Mrs Ancient Thespian fur her informative persistence ,without which this recipe wid be lost tae the modern consumable .

Mince and Tattie Soup ,The Recipe

The ingredients ur adjusted tae suit yer pot size , you can add mair stuff tae a bigger pot than you can tae a wee pot ,therefore I will no get involved wae quantities ,no that I ever bother measuring quantities anyway .

Right ..Tae a pot ,such as yer soup pot , but no a wee milk pot ,that wid jist be fuckin silly , you wid be lucky tae fit wan decent sized tattie intae a wee milk pot .The pot hus tae be bigger than a wee pot.

So tae the pot of yer choice other than a wee milk pan, add the following washed and peeled ingredients ,you don’t huv tae wa’sh and peel the mince, you can jist add that as it is ,but again, who am I ,if you prefer yer mince wa’shed ,wa’sh away say I .

The required ingredients listed below can be varied annaw tae include whitever you huv, as long as you also huv a wee bit mince and some tatties , otherwise it widn’ae be called Mince and Tattie Soup ,wid it .

The ingredients :- Mince ,carrots, onion ,leek ,roughly cubed tatties of various sizes, beef stock cubes, water to cover and the secret ingredient , a level desertpoon or two of Marmite or similar yeast extract ,dark soya sauce wid dae annaw.
Another secret is tae drap the raw mince intae the boiling water ,this gives it a different texture but I don’t bother, cause I dae ma soup in a the electric pot .
Then simply boil the stuff until it is ready which takes about 30 minutes in ma wee electric pressure cooker . 

Boabs yer Granny ,Mince and Tattie soup 

“Haud oan a minute here ” .. Says you tae me .. “Is that no jist wa’tery mince and tatties except the tatties ur cooked in wae the mince ?”
And I ,in reply tae you ,say .. ” Aye it is ,but they hud rationing during the war “

Here’s a wee poem that a fun aboot Glasgow clippies written by John Reilly fae Maryhill which wis published in The Glasgow Evening Times.

Glasgow Clippies

‘Come oan, get aff.’” they used to cry
Those great old Glasgow clippies
When tramcars ran in Glasgow’s streets
Streets full of pubs and chippies

‘Fares please,’ you’d hear her cry
‘Huv yir money ready.
I’ve plenty of change so I’ll take pound notes
This cash bag’s helluva heavy.’
Wee drunk men on a Friday night
Would always try tae chat her,
But the clippie would send them on their way,
With ‘shut up, don’t gies yir patter.’

When wee boys tried tae skip their fare
She’d grab them, trying not tae laugh
And march them up tae the end of the tram
And told them ‘Come oan, get aff.’

Glasgow Cross and Gallowgate
Polmadie and the Gorbals
Glasgow Green and in between
Maryhill and Cardonald
We’ll never see their likes again
They were just a different breed
‘Auchenshoogle, here we come –
Away and bile yir heid.’

GLASGOW CLIPPIES