Trees
November 29th
Is it time to erect adorn and illuminate the festive tree or is it still to early in the year for such frivolous jocundity ? A serious question and one I have no intentions of answering in my journal today . I shall leave that decision to personal preference .
But first ,some festive coniferous facts.
The use of evergreen trees, wreaths, and garlands to symbolize eternal life was a custom of the ancient Egyptians, Chinese, and Hebrews.
Tree worship was common among the pagan Europeans and survived their conversion to Christianity in the Scandinavian customs of decorating the house and barn with evergreens at the New Year to scare away the devil and of setting up a tree for the birds during Christmas time.
During the Roman mid-winter festival of Saturnalia, houses were decorated with wreaths of evergreen plants, along with other antecedent customs now associated with Christmas.
Contemporary celebration of the Christmas tree is frequently traced to the symbolism of trees in pre-Christian winter rites, wherein Viking and Saxon worshiped trees.
Modern Christmas trees originated during the Renaissance in early modern Germany.
The earliest known firmly dated representation of a Christmas tree is on the keystone sculpture of a private home in Turckheim, Alsace (then part of Germany, today France), with the date 1576
Right then ,noo that yer enlightened wae the facts ,I shall haver oan wae ma today’s journal entry which is aboot, as you might well huv surmised :
Deid Trees ,Tinsel ,Broken Gless and Fairy Lights
So the day a stoats in tae find the hall cupboard ,aye the spare room you canny get intae fur crap ,spread a’ over the hoose !
“Sanctimonious Seasonal Fucks Batman !”.. Exclaimed me tae masel but outloud .. ” We huv been burglarized”
But no such luck .It wis only the Alien Presence digging oot the the festive season that she keeps buried in the darkest catacombs of the storage crypt .
Then a saw it ,the nine fit tall ,eight feet wide plastic monstrosity covering maist of the flair in the living room!
” Naaaaaaw”…Screamed ma brain tae it’sel ,while staring at the vacant starry eyed expression oan the smiley face of the Alien Presence.
“No that fuckin hing ,it blots oot any visible light we get fae the cosmos at this time of year ,dae ye no wa’nt tae jist forgo the plastic rain forest this year and simply draw the curtains when it gets dark ,at least that way you wid know when the sun rises or sets ,rether than being plunged intae perpetual darkness fae noo until January.”
But then I thought it wis probably best if a kept those outrageous thoughts tae masel fur the noo ,and jist persist wae the ‘Live Long and Prosper’ methodology of logical reasoning….Again
So aye trees ! Don’t you talk tae me aboot fuckin festive trees ,in ma book they do not go up tae efter the solstice .. END OFF ..But festive décor isnae ma book ,is it, realising that logic dictates ,wan wrang word fae ma gub at this precarious moment in time could well result in a 9 foot tall Polyvinyl chloride shrubbery being swiftly erected in an unexpected orifice .
As well you know, I huv tried Freudian reasoning previously over the generations ,but always get met wae the same reply fae the vacant Yuletide expression : Why does the tree not go up until after the solstice ?
“I will fuckin tell you why ,because Odin said so ,that’s why” …Is ma usual annual riposte .
Yule was a pagan festival that followed the midwinter solstice (usually around 21st December) and celebrated the return of the sun as the days slowly started to get longer again. The festivities, which involved lots of drinking and consuming of slaughtered animals, lasted up to 12 days, hence the 12 days of Christmas.
The winter solstice was a particularly inauspicious night .The night Odin was said to ride through the skies with the Wild Hunt collecting the souls of the dead. So everyone stayed indoors feasting, afraid to go outside lest they be caught out alone and abducted by the Wild Hunt.
So ther you go ,bang up yer Noel Bush too early and Santa Clause Odin will fire you intae his Duff Sack, wae a’ the rest of the stiffs and dodgy toys that wir manufactured in some obscure region of the midnight permafrost by unlicensed elves .
See the problem wae weans these days is none of them believe in Odin any mair ,wance yer computerised wean passes the age of 15 they a’ miraculously manage tae suss that Santa is ther Da or Maw or whoever hus tae feed clothe and supply them wae daily finance.
Daa’aad can I get £20.00 to buy a new thyroid ,everyone in my class has the latest genetically modified gland except me . Aye ..
See that is me away aff-piste again ,and afore yoose start , when a say aff- piste ,I am referring tae the skiers version of gon aff track and no the ‘hauf pished ,aff-piste’ meaning tae be bevvied up and aff track, or the literary version of ‘aff -piste’ ..if that even makes sense .
Ma apologies ,I wis just clarifying a few details ther , see whit you huv tae unerstaun is that if I do not know whit I am gibberin oan aboot , whit fuckin chance dae you huv ? ..Right back tae the trees
The superstition that it is bad luck tae pit the Yuletide shrubbery up afore the solstice is actually based oan fact .
Back in the day, yer festive greenery was simply locally gathered naturally combustible materials, illuminated by candles .This festive allotment wid dehydrate within a week or so ,ultimately leading tae yer average hovel gon up like a light .Woosh ! This is still a problem in oor modern electrified era wae electric fairy lights illuminating a noo naturally deid and dehydrating, chopped doon tree.
Therefore :- Caution is advised if yer yasin deid twigs ,and wan instance wher plastic is no jist mair environmentally sustainable but safer than an incendiary former conifer
This is no why a object tae oor tree gon up right noo though ,the reason a remonstrate oan the early erection of the Yuletide fir is doon tae oor permanent resident ,the Pooka Fae Hell ,the Dark Destroyer better know as The Fuckin Cat .
Fed ,watered tired or otherwise ,that wee fucker will terminate a Xmas tree in miliseconds .Then jist tae further amuse itsel the furry wee bastard will brek a’ the wee gless baubles and decorations ye wir stupit enough tae hing up again this year, in various hidden fae view places around the gaff wher yer guaranteed tae staun oan the fractured razor like shards ,which mair oft than no ,results in a wee trip tae Accident and Emergency fur a stich or three in yer fit or baith fits .
Top Tip ther :- Always wer industrial footwear around the hoose if you huv the pleasure of a cat that chooses tae reside wae you.
Therefore the logical mind wid deduce that the less time oor tree is actually up mair than doon, the less time there is fur pain ,suffering ,grief carnage ,anxiety and the screamin of ,get aff that fuckin tree ya wee bastard ( jist as yer festivities plummet tae ther inevitable earth shattering doom)
A tinsel free treeless home ,is a much happier hoose when the cat is not lying in wait for the opportune moment, which from the cats point of view, is any time of the day but preferably around 3.30 in the morning .
Saying that ,the dug is no blameless either and hus been a previous offender .Mr Canine Barkious will usually totally dinghy the sparkling plastic edifice, unless (And this is the decorators fault tae be honest ) they hing some tasty dug treats fae the glimmering branches , the scent fae these dangly bits becomes overwhelmingly irresistible tae Mr Woofety Woof ,so when nobody is aboot he is guaranteed tae huv a wee tug at the dug delicacies openly oan display , and who could blame the intelligent creature , he hus nae idea that these treats are only tae be hud ,efter Fatty and his sack full of crap huv alighted fae the lum.
But we are talking festive trees here , so in ma hoose even a consensual agreement or an agreed written legal document will not change the glittering erection date ,when the Alien Presence hus made the decision tae blast off ,said decision is final wae nae right of appeal . So the tree is gon up right noo , as I type ,therefore in the lack of pure logic, I can only rely oan experience and instinct that historically alludes tae the fact ,ma harmoniums will be seriously fuckin vexed afore this day is over .
Aye the tree dis and always hus gon up every year ,no that we ur big believers in the Anunnaki ,the Ancient Post-Akkadian period Sumerian creator deities ,who came fae Zeta’s Recticulum ,a binary star system in the southern constellation of Livingstone , tae teach the ignorant how tae mine fur gold through genetic manipulation and cuneiform writing ,and whose pressed clay tablet scrawls wir later transcribed intae yer Teabrew’s biblical epics by Cecil B. DeMille.
But never the less the Alien Presence still likes tae batter up the tree and dangle the prehistoric oversized mouldy festive socks over the mantlepiece fur ra weans, who left hame thirty year ago . And why not say I , as long as the fuckin cat is happy and joyful merriment abounds throughout the Galactic Universe , but jist gonny gee the boak inducing tinsel melodies a rest until nearer the feasting event ..
Ho Ho Ho ..Not long now scallywags
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hdnaPAJgAQI
Links:-
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_tree
Comments
Post a Comment