Ginger

November 26th

It is that time of year again ,now is time to manufacture Scotland’s favourite diabetes inducing, alcohol free festive good cheer .

Aye the gear is better if it’s left tae fester fur a week or two in bottles .

So you thought that a jist typed utter pish in the haverin lingo fur the annoyance of ma offspring did yoose ?
Ha ,no siree ,a type shite recipes in haverin gibberish annaw, and no simply jist tae annoy ma loinfruits either .

And aye, a dae deliberately include hunners eh typos and made up wurds, much tae the frustration of ma literal generation gap .

The senior junior of the weans, weans is currently studying Latin in Inglis , simply cause she,unlike masel, hus hud the advantage of 24/7 electronic tuition oan a wireless device. This illuminary hus noo quite literally, through this adjective education, tunrt intae ma fuckin Granny.

“And what school did you go to ?.” ..She will say tae me

“A fuckin Weegie wan ,how ?”.. Is ma usual reply tae she

“Oh and by the way whit the fuck is a typo anyway smart erse ,is that even a real wurd?” .. Will be ma next retort tae the literary sair heid, which will then normally be followed by a rant that will go somethin like :-

Away ,and don’t you talk tae me aboot fuckin typos ,when a wis at the schuil , we a’ worked doon the pit in oor bare socks til dinner time . They never hud fuckin pens when a wis at the schuil ,never mind type writers or computers ,we yased tae write oan wan ton granite blocks wae Southern Fried Chicken wings, or we wid jist write oan the desks if we never hud wir granite block in oor schoolbag ,mind you ,we got belted fur writing oan the desks ,but a good hiding wae the leather strap wis character building ,or so ma teachers yased tae tell me , and the punishment didnae stop ther either, naw did it fuck ,if you forgot yer granite block mair than wance in a generation or hud accidentally eaten yer chicken wings ,you wid be deported tae Motherwell fur rehabilitation.

Aye see ,that will be me away digressing again .

Whit a wis sayin afore the yoof of today rudely interrupted ma consciousness tae correct ma grammar and spellin ,wis that, I huv delved intae The Bampots Recipe book fur tae bring yoose this tale of festive good cheer and the flavour of Yule, while informing yer good sels oan the how’s and requirements with which tae make the Alcohol Free Ginger Wine yer Granny yased tae poison ye wae .

So wae oot further ado ,here is a blast fae the past which will no doubt, seriously rip the weans grammatical knittin
 

His Grannies Ginger Wine

I was given this recipe by a one eared ginger addicted research chemist. The tale he told me was one of obsessive behavior, madness and ginger excess.

It all started when The Research was six months old,his mother having to work 24/7 , left The Child Research in the care of his granny, but being poor and having no cow to milk ,all the ancient relative could supply for sustenance was ginger wine, she had a vast cellar full of the stuff, The Child Research was bottle fed this crap until the age of eleven ,when one fateful day ,his granny ran away with the Provy man.

She left him only thirteen precious bottles of the ginger nectar The Research desperately craved . He buried the bottles in a secret location, known only to himself ,and from this unknown location he would dig up one bottle annually to drink on the festive day.

The Child Research began his quest for the ginger elixir in his teenage years ,during this time he consumed vast quantities of various ginger beers. He began with Irn Bru then Canadian Club Ginger Ale progressing on to Old Jamaica’s Fiery Ginger Beer, Idris Cloudy was next

This did nothing for his metabolics ,not one of these artificial sweetners pushed the right buttons.

After leaving school Research went on to study chemistry ,while at university he chanced upon Crabbies Alcoholic Ginger Beer, this he consumed by the gallon ,it did something but still did not manage to hit the mark.

By now The Academic Research was on the slippery slope to chronic gingerism ,he soon discovered Crabbies Ginger Wine, but even this could not satisfy his rapaciousness ,things went down hill for Research from there on in, soon he was reduced to Tesco,s Own Brand Green Ginger !

As money became tight due to his alcoholic ginger indulgence, The Research would work on into the wee small hours at the laboratory , with what little savings he had not drunk , The Academic Research purchased ginger by the root , in powdered form by the sack, he would boil it, he fermented it, he added various compounds and laboratory animals to his chemical concoctions. He wasn’t even close to Grannies Ginger Elixir.

Research had now reached the age of 24 ,his seceret location known only to himself was down to it’s last bottle of Grannies Special Ginger Brew ,it was on this eventful festive day The Research entered his laboratory , poured himself a glass of Grannies ,then poured the remainder into beakers for analyses.

But Research made the fatal mistake of adding ethyl alcohol to an experimentational flagon of putrefying rabbit and ginger formaldehyde he had simmering over a naked Bunsen burner, within seconds there was a massive explosion ,the resulting fulmination totally destroyed his laboratory ,removed his left ear ,an eyebrow and several tassels from the sacred football scarf his Auntie Senga had knitted for him to use as a nappy when he was only months old .

What had he just done ?

The Research had not only destroyed his place of work ,the cataclysmic fireball had roasted five billion trillion million pounds worth of cloned sheep, which were, only seconds prior , quite happily ruminantly masticating away to themselves in the adjoining barn .

Research was now a fugitive,he had no option but to run, he hastily grabbed a needle and thread,which he would later use to stitch up what was left of his ear and sew the tassels back on his beloved scarf ,swallowed two bottles of Crabbies ,made several corn beef sandwiches for the road,watched the weekly omnibus of Take The High Road , then swiftly made a bolt for it.

Where to go he thought ?

He would go on the spice trail,surely he must discover his grannies secrets there ,so The Academic Research headed for Birmingham ,the spice capital of the world. 

After spending a year searching every ethnic eating and drinking hole in the city to no avail ,The Academic Research was at his wits end ,exhausted hungry and thirsty he collapsed in snugg of  The Munch Manuts (a notoriously exotic Asian restaurant and beer parlour)  ,the smell of exotic curry powder filled the air, the exhausted Research was just about to pass out when a sultry waiter rudely interrupted his psychedelic delirium .

“What are you fucking doing lying over my freshly cleaned seats in your dog shit covered boots you filthy pillock ?”
Screamed the waiter in an Anglo Mexican accent.

“I am on a quest for my Grannies secret ginger recipe” replied The Research ” I can not stop until I find it, I only came in here for food,water and research purposes ,hoping that you might help me in my ginger quest”

“What the fuck would I know about ginger you fucking loony tune” ..Replied the waiter ..” Our ginger comes in fuckin bags from South East Asia you foul smelling fucker,now get off my fucking seats so that I can clean them and rid this place from the stench of you and the dog shit ,get out you demented wacko…Fuck off ,and take your disgusting essence with you .We do not open for another four hours”

Research was then assaulted by two burly chefs and thrown into the street ,but the wise waiters words were still ringing in his remaining ear…Ginger..Fuck ..Essence..Off.. South East Asia ..

EUREKA ! Exclaimed The Research
This is where I must go he thought ,the waiter’s advise was wise..Fuck off to South East Asia where ginger comes from,there you will find your essence.

So off he went

Research took a tramp steamer to France then caught a fishing boat to Morroco where he was given directions to South Africa ,from there he would catch a ship to Japan, from Japan he reached Columbia where he stowed away on a ship heading for Cuba,from Cuba he caught an EasyJet flight to Russia , he travelled on foot across Siberia ,then boarded a horse and cart that took him a mile to a train station where he caught a cold ,next he braved the Hindu Kush, travelled on to Kashmir where he boarded the number 5 bus to Singapore then on to Jakarta finally reaching Kuala Lumpur .
From here he was guided by the locals to an Imam with an iPhone who spoke 27 languages.

” I am on a quest for the essence of ginger” said Research ” Can you help me ?”
The iPhone Imam stared long and vacant ,but did not answer.

Research grew frantic and began shouting at the top of his voice..
“It was 20 years ago last week to the very day next month that I was forced to flee Scotland due to the devastating tumult I accidentally caused through my overly obsessive research purposes , I destroyed the world renowned animal research laboratory where I worked ,ever since that day I have travelled the world twice over in search off the secret ginger essence my Granny used to make her Secret Ginger Wine,I have wasted my whole life in vain ,no one can help me I am a broken man,and all because of my addiction to ginger”

Research crumpled into a heap, as he lay panting on the ground, an ignorant ,beady eyed ,turban clad, hooka smoking mystic radge peering out from a shack door ,caught his eye

The beady eyed mystic radge approached ,he stared straight into The Researches eyes using his own beady eyes before roaring

“Haw Chief ,ther’s nae point spraffin tae the iPhone cunt ,he disn’y speak in the Inglis ,as a matter of fact the cunt disn’y unerstaun Scots either.
Here ,ur you the fanny whit torched wee Dolly the Sheeps lab jist ootside the toon ,twinty year ago ,which resulted in a’ the wee cloned Dolly Sheeps becoming wee Dolly roasted cloned lambs. By the way they wir actually quite tasty ,but expensive .Then ye went an done a nash ? Well fuck me gadga, a yased tae be the janny in that lab.
And know whit ,a shot the craw twinty year ago annaw, cause as it wid happen ,me masel wis lyin roon the back, as ye dae when yer totally spangled oot yer nut efter tokin oan a giant cloned Skunk spliff ,when the explosion woke me up, fuck a thought it wis me whit hud torched the gaff wae a rogue spark aff ma spliff, so a fuckin bolted oan that very same day annaw man.
I hear yir plea fur your Grannies Green Ginger man, but you will no fun that here sir..
That essence can only be fun in wan place, and in wan place only .”

In plain Dan Souff Inglis the Mystic said to The Research

The Imam with the iPhone does not speak English.
By any chance , might you be the chap who ignited the animal research institute ,where billions of pounds worth of cloned sheep were roasted alive twenty years ago, then disappeared ?
Crikey I worked as the head cleaning attendant in that very same institute ,as a matter of fact ,I actually thought that I had caused the fire myself during my nightly state of drugged confusion, I migrated here to South East Asia on that very same evening.
As for your search ,the essence that you seek can only be found in one place

Research became frantic .”Where can it be found ” he said “I will do anything ,please tell me,please “

“Nae borrer” Replied the Radge”  Stall ,keep the heid gadga, you can get yer gear fae maist branches of the CO-OP in Scotland , it is called ,the Co-Op’s ain brand Ginger Yu-lade , but they only stock the stuff in the run up tae Xmas ya numpty.”

Research evacuated his bowels ,borrowed The Imams iPhone and booked the next flight home to Scotland.

He thanked and said goodbye to the Mystic Radge, who had no intentions of returning home to Scotland ,explaining how he now cultivated his own herbs and led his totally self sufficient life in a permanent state of semi consciousness .

The Radge had never been happier.

Research flew home ,bought thousands of bottles of GINGER YU-LADE directly from the Co-Operative Society , he made hundreds of gallons of his Grannies Alcohol Free Ginger Wine .

The Recipe

Requirements

1 bottle Co-Op Ginger yu-lade

1 large pot

3 1/2 pounds of sugar

6 pints of water

And

Five and one half number of glass wine bottles
 
Well you could use glass refundable ginger bottles but a connoisseur of ginger would prefer their swally poured from a Sauvignon , Pinot Grigio or Shiraz bottle rather than from a Barrs Irn Bru bottle ,wouldn't you ?

Use any fuckin bottles you like,I was only offering a bit tasteful advice there ,that's all.

Next 

Wash the bottles thoroughly and drain them.
Once dry ,gently heat the bottles in a warm oven for five minutes to sterilize them.

Do not bake the things at gas mark 5 for 2 hours ,ya feckin eejit ,jings, jist 5 minutes in a wa'rm oven .

Meanwhile to a big pot add your

6 pints of water

3 1/2 pounds of sugar    

Aye ,that's plain ordinary granulated sugar , are you finding stayin awake really difficult today ? Feck me.
Now are you quite sure you are ready for this next bit ?

Bring to the boil stirring to dissolve the sugar,remove from the heat and leave to cool.

Once cool add the ginger yu-lade stir then bottle .

You will now have made yersel five and a half  bottles of Alcohol Free Ginger Wine

Boabs yer Granny
His Grannies Alcohol Free Ginger Wine
some connoisseurs have been known to add vodka to the half bottle that is spare for mummy’s and daddies,
others use this alcohol free wine as a mixer with whisky or vodka or gin

Warning

This stuff is very good
The Research fellow made gallon upon gallon of his Grannies ginger wine ,he drank it daily and to excess ,within a few years of this excessive overindulgence all his teeth had fallen out ,he became morbidly obese and could not get any clothes to fit him from Primark and all this came before he was diagnosed with diabetes
So let that be a warning to you..Smoking is bad for your health

And aye ,it is too fuckin early tae pit the tree up Ho Ho Ho