Swearing
September 1st
I was forced tae go shelf surfing today seeing as ma shelves are nearly as empty as the wans in the shops ,I said nearly as empty ,not quite, I have something oan ma shelves the shop doesn’y huv namely six tins of baked beans, eight tins of processed peas and two tins of spam .
A veritable feast you might say ,and I wholly concur ,but the problem we have is that Ted dog does not like processed peas and Sooty cat does not like baked beans, plus I am always on the lookout for a bargain such as the putrefying fruit and veg that can be found on most shelves these days ,fortunately the stores fresh produce has not deteriorated to the same extent as the freshly rotting fruit and veg in the farmers fields . Surfing the shelves also increases wans chances of procuring the odd pun of mince which might provide all with their daily sustenance .
So me and ma shopping list enter the shelf shop and the first thing I noticed was they had plenty of shelves , I nipped doon the first aisle ,it was at the end of this aisle I decided tae completly disregard ma message list , in fact ,I jist threw it away tae fuck ,tae use the correct terminology .
Seven loose tatties ,a hand fae of onions and a bag of decomposing carrots later I gets tae the pedigree dug and a’ la carte cat food shelves ,low and behold just like a’ the rest of the shelves in the shelf shop they wir full of emptiness .
“Bugger ” Thought I tae masel ” Ted Dog and Sooty Cat will not be very overly chuffed aboot the lack of feline and canine nutrition on offer on these shelves.
Aye anyway ma wee trip tae the shop wae shelves wis no completly futile ,wae nae mince in haun, some ‘eat them noo before they turn tae mush ‘ veggies and two boxes of value cat and dug biscuits I headed fur the check oot ,this is where they keep the news papers. Just ahead of me in the queue was me auld mucker Mad Mental MacMad the maddest Mac ever tae walk oan the face of the planet .
Says I tae he ” How’s it goan McMad ?”
And he says tae me ” It’s yersell “
So I says tae him ” Aye so it is ,how did you know that? “
He replies ” Whit you sayin tae it the day Then ?”
So then ,Then being moi ,informs the MacMad about ma special cheer me up word for the day
” All I have to say today is CUNTS“ Says I in reply tae ‘ it ‘ oan the question of ‘then’
“Conservative and Unionist Nasty Tory Scumbags
I think that’s me finished .
Well I could have said CUNLTS
Conservative and Unionists are Nasty Lying Tory Scumbags, but CUNLTS is not really a word is it ?
Now that I think about it, I could just have said LCUNTS
Lying Conservative and Unionist Nasty Tory Scumbags ,that’s not really a word either though, unless you hyphenate it makingL-CUNTS which then just sounds Spanish ..El Cunto’s ..
Therefore, for today and today only I have decided just to stick with saying CUNTS .
Now that I have said that I wonder what I will say tomorrow ? “
But fear not tomorrows word wis forthcoming forthwith ,straight fae the mooth of the MacMad ,a word I have not encountered in polite conversation since my schooldays ,however a more descriptive word you will not find in our ancient language and a most excellent addition to any Scots vocabularians dictionary ,and a wurd which can be thrown intae any intellectual conversation on practically limitless subjects .
As the MacMad pointed out, some totally enraged had taken a wee hairy turn tae themsel and hud wance again completely trashed The Daily Lies fae the Toryland Press newspaper shelves ,strewn all over the floor at the checkout area were well trodden upon pictures of the cause of all our grief , aye ,The Gammonshire Tories of Angerland .
MacMad intimated tae several issues of the Angerlanders Tory News which were mostly comprised of headlining front page images of gormless grinning members of the Tolly cabinet in various uncompromised positions ,and loudly exclaims “Check oot they stauners ,look at the state of they papers, filled wae lies, bogus news and wall tae wall stauners ” Before alluding tae a headline which contained a photie of the head linesman for the Pure Fannies Department in Scotland and yelled “Look at the nick of that cunt ,another total ragin stauner “
Says I tae the MacMad fella ” Mad yer a fuckin genius, I am impressed wae yer linguistics sir ,you have jist imparted tae me the perfect word ,the wurd which will be from this very second, my cheer me up word for tomorrow “
Looking very pleased wae himsell the MacMad replied ” Huv I noo ,that wis very nice of me ,and whit wurd might that be ?”
” The word good sir is STAUNERS or STAWNERS ” said I in reply ” It is the perfect wurd Mad can’t you see ? Plus I am spoiled for acronymic choice dependant oan ma spelling .
Scottish Tory And Unionist Nasty Elitist Repugnant ScumbagsOr
Scottish Tories And Wanker Unionist Elitist Rancid Scumbags
So tomorrow my good Mr Mad I will mostly be saying STAUNERS and the next day I can mostly say STAWNERS therefore I get two days of cheer masel up usage from the same word .
Thank you Mad Mental McMad ,I will be forever in yer mind, you sir are a linguistic genius .
For those of you who are not familiar with the word stauner Jim McIntosh, BSc from Glasgow Caledonian University gives this description
It’s actually a very old word relating to visitors to an establishment and a reply to hospitality expected. Visitors to Scottish pubs should, if observing traditional rites, loudly announce ‘’I’ve got a stauner’’when entering such establishments as this is the courteous way to explain that you are respectful and friendly.
Pronunciation is important too. Phonetically it’s ‘’Av goat ah stawner’’ and remember it should be declared loudly and proudly for full effect, and is often combined with some vigorous pointing towards the groin or legs region to signify that you’ve travelled a fair distance.
This roughly translates to ‘’greetings good fellow, might I commend you on this fine establishment, I come in peace and look forward to partaking in your fine cultural delights.’’ By tradition, this should result in you getting a free drink in return.
The Urban Dictionary gives the definition as :- Stauner (Stawner )
Scottish (Glaswegian) term literally meaning “Stander”.
A penile erection / a hardon :-
‘Look at that bawbag oan the danceflair, he’s makin’ ae right stauner ae himsel ‘
So ther you huv ma new wurd furra morra , I will translate that for the hard of hearing ( so there you have my new word for tomorrow ) .
Nothing gets yer day aff tae a better start than by waking up (which is always a good idea ),leaping out of bed ,opening your windows and bawlin up and down the street ‘STAUNERS , STAUNERS ,pure ragin fuckin STAUNERS’ .
As long as your neighbours are aware of the fact you are merely greeting the dawn by calling Tory party members pure hardon’s in Glaswegian ,and are not in fact the local deviant sex pest you should be fine with this dawn howling .On the other hand if your fellow parishioners are not quite as enlightened as my own ,things for yer ordinary average everyday Scottish Bampot living with unenlightened neighbours might have a totally different outcome ,cause if yer fellow residentials were tae consider that you could possibly be the local perverted pig podgerer, they may well phone the polis which would then leave you having tae explain yer morning outbursts tae a judge while handcuffed tae the docks .
“I rest my case me lawd ,My client has proved today beyond any reasonable doubt that all ‘ members ‘ of the Tory Party are pure raging STAUNERS.“
Fortunately we no longer live in the 18th/19th century because if we did my happy word for the day would have tae be the foulest wurd known in the history of language ,yip you guessed it that utterly disgusting ,stomach churning ,cringeworthy wurd‘Trousers ‘
Aye thats right ” Get it up yer Tory Trousers “
Siobhan O’Shea :-
One word was regarded in the late-18th and 19th centuries as so shocking that it spawned many euphemisms :
unmentionables, inexpressibles, ineffables, inexplicables, indescribables, etceteras, indispensables, unimaginables, innominables, unwhisperables, unutterables, unprintables and never-mention-’ems
That word? “Trousers.”
I wonder which letters can be corrupted tae form a happy word for next week ?
BIT perhaps NUDGE or UNIT even ,what about NESTA ,pardon my ignorance a wid be up in front of the judge for plagiarism if I were to consider any of those words because those ragin STAUNER CUNTS already use them !! .. Aye
In 2020, the British government of Boris Johnson decided to rely on nudge theory to fight the coronavirus pandemic, with Chief Scientific Adviser Patrick Vallance seeking to encourage “herd immunity” with this strategy.
The Behavioural Insights Team (BIT), also known unofficially as the “Nudge Unit”, is a global social purpose organisation that generates and applies behavioural insights to inform policy and improve public services, following nudge theory
Using social engineering, as well as techniques in psychology and marketing, the purpose of the organisation is to influence public thinking and decision making in order to improve compliance withgovernment policy and thereby decrease social and government costs related to inaction and poor compliance with policy and regulation.
Originally set up within the UK Cabinet Office to apply nudge theory within British government, BIT expanded into a limited company in 2014, and is now partly owned by the Cabinet Office, BIT employees, and Nesta
Benefit Sanctions for Disabled People
Tasked by the Department of Work and Pensions to investigate the effectiveness of “sanctioning” recipients of disability benefits (punishing them with fines of up to three years ineligibility to benefits for supposed bad attitudes or non-compliance), the nudge unit noted that these methods were ineffective, but rather than recommending they be withdrawn, proposed changes which might make sanctions and benefit conditionality more effective.
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