Shite!

14th December :-

Today started aff dark and cumulated in a crepuscule of darkly sinister events ,but at least the bread was ready.
It wis fur this reason I decided tae research all things shite today, simply because that’s how things panned oot ,if you will pardon the pun.

I shall relate tae yoose fur yer perusal ,todays series of unfortunate events which led tae me researching shite .

As usual the day started aff dark ,this is normal for this time of year cause we are in the Scottish dark season jist afore the Xmas holidays .

Saying that ,if you were tae lie in yer bed until aboot 9.00 o’clock, then it might no be dark when you got up, that is the chance you huv tae take , but natural midwinter illumination in Scotland is weather dependent ,cause if it’s pishin doon the chances are it will be dark no matter whit time you get up, and as luck wid have it ,today it wis pishin doon fur a wee change .
Dreich unilluminated pishin rain might seem shite tae some folk ,but it hus been known tae rain fur forty wan days and fifty three nights in these parts ,so the combination of festive daytime darkness and freezin sleety rain hus nothing whitsoever tae dae wae todays series of keich events.

I digress, back tae the shite .

As I mentioned previously, I got up in the dark ,but it wisnae dark where I wis cause without fear or loathing fur ma ain personal safety, I hud wance again ventured intae the other worldly realms of the Astral Kitchen , plus I hud put the big light oan ,which greatly enhanced ma visual perception and ability to interpret the surrounding environment ..

I hud a wee cuppa tea then gleefully indulged masel in meaningless purpose ,I fired a combination of flour ,porridge ,yeast and various other ingredients intae the big bowl ,mixed the crap together then left this slime tae maturate fur a couple of hours so that the yeast could metabolize the starches and sugars in the flour, turning them into alcohol and carbon dioxide gas. which creates air bubbles that inflates the dough . No that any cunt is really that interested in the process of fermentation but this wis what I wis aiming fur ,a shit load of metabolized gas .

Sound .That wis the breed dough sorted .

Next I scrubbed the tatties ,scraped the carrots ,chopped some cabbage and peeled an onion simply because , personally , I am no that keen oan onion skin ,but hey, every wan tae there ain, there are many televisual chefs oot there who promote the eating of vegetarian skin , but their no personally eating the shit ,ur they .

Super .That wis the veg prepped .,ma meaningless purpose was going according tae the grand chaos theory .

So tae compress totally fuckin ages intae as few words as psychotically possible , a wee while later I banged the breed dough intae the breed tins and a wee hour or two efter that when the dough hud metabolised itsell fur the second time , I fired the raw breed, which wis noo in it’s tins, intae a hot oven fur 40 mins .

Wonderful , everything was goan jist chaotically fabidozy . Sound Super ,Sorted

And naw ,before you ask , the smell of ma freshly baking wan hunner percent handmade wae ma ain recently cleaned shite free hauns ,breed ,wisnae reekin the hoose oot wae the stench of shite ,so don’t jump tae concussions and participate where ma todays shite is comin fae ,restrain yer constipation ,a’m jist getting tae the shite bit..

40 minutes later and the oven pings , so I take the breed oot the oven and shut the door .The oven door I am talking aboot here , I didnae huv tae shut any other doors cause they were already shut , shutting doors is ma innovative way of reducing ma carbon shoe size ,plus it keeps the heat in cause it is fuckin Baltic outside , Ted Dog and Sooty cat on the other hand ,or paw ,are not of the same opinion as masel ,they prefer that a’ the doors be kept wide open ,but they cunts huv fur coats and nae need fur carbon shoes .

Yer away fornicating again here ,aren’t you ? Naw todays shite hus nothin at a’ tae dae wae cats and dugs skitterin a’ over the flair ,up the walls and out with the litter tray , .although this hus been known tae happen in the past , especially if that manky bastard of a dug hus been away overindulging itsel oan other dugs shite or decaying but yummy and crispy way too long expired ,maggot infested road kill ,resulting in internal combustion . But not today

I huv tae say my breed looked and smelled absolutely magnificent ,I tipped it oot oan tae the trivet and thought ,this calls fur a wee cuppa tea ,so I made masel a wee drop in the soup pot then sat doon at the table .

Anyway ,as a wis slurping away at ma bucketful of most excellent Scottish Blend tea , I heard this rustling sound ,which kind of sounded like : rustle rustle …rustle………rustle rustle

“I know that sound ” says I tae masel ” Ma wee pal Mr Fuckin Mouse must have moved back in fur the winter ,where is the wee cunt and what is that gnawing wee bastard rustling at ?

There were nae bags oan the flair fur him tae rustle aboot in , and he canny climb up the plastic bucket ,so whit wis the vandalising wee fucker all about ?
I ventured towards the rustling sound which wis coming fae the vicinity of the oven , grabbed the torch and looked under the dresser ,cause I wis’nae fur attempting tae move that fully laden five ton fuckin monstrosity in the hope of finding a moose ..
Nope nae moose under there, but the rustling was getting louder ,then I looked aroon the oven area ,underneath the butchers block ,but still nae Mr Moose ,I jist heard that rustling sound ..

Fur some reason the oven door caught ma eye ,jingszo and heavens tae Murgatroyd ,even !

The glass oven door was turning intae a kaleidoscope before ma very wee eyes ,WTF ! ( which is Scots fur :- Well That’s Fantastic)

Ma first thought wis ,you have been exposed tae a hallucinogen fae mouldy flour boy and yer trippin oot yer nut ., but no such luck.
So a gathered ma wits the gether ,which is easier said than done fur me cause hauf of them were in the living room watching the telly and maist of ma other wits were as usual ,lying aboot the bedroom flair next tae ma socks where I always leave them so that I know where they ur in case of such an emergency ,anyway eventually I managed tae compose ma wits and open the acid trip of an oven door ,which then proceeded tae kaleidoscope it’sell a’ over the kitchen flair

Ya Cun-Cun-Cun- conundrum ! I exclaimed and no jist because I hud a mince pie ready tae slam in there fur tonights tea .,it wis mainly due tae the fact a wis wearin ma crocs when a million wee cubes of rether warm ,shatterproof, heat resistant crystals sprinkled the flair and filled ma footwear.. Ya Cu- Cu-

I swept up the thirty billion wee bits of glass , emptied ma crocs , bandaged ma feet and thought ,nae mince pie fur tonights tea then ..

Noo that’s shite

And it wisnae even March 13th which is National Shite Day .

“But what could be even mair shite than nae mince pie fur yer tea and a fucked oven ?” I says tae masell

This wis when I decided tae compile some shite stuff instead of making the tea ,which was now no longer feasible due to an unforeseen compound fracture and the eventual crystallisation of ma oven door

Ma List of Really Shite Stuff

Number wan oan ma shite list is no something that usually occurs in ma hoose as we are a’ ,as a whole ,well absorbed and un-flatulent ,well apart from the dug that is .

Floating -Stools

Stools that float are most often due to poor absorption of nutrients (malabsorption) or too much gas (flatulence).

Most causes of floating stools are harmless. In most cases, floating stools will go away without treatment.

Aye whitever you say ,but how many times will you have tae flush ?

Aye ,OK ,agreed, floating stools are not usually terribly terribly ,shite , so whit could be mair shite than a floating jobby then ? How about this record holder

Yorkshire Is Home To The Largest And Most Expensive Fossilised Poo In The World

Yorkshire has a proud trophy in the form of a huge crap, and by huge, we mean record-breaking huge. Found under the York branch of Lloyds and might be the largest example of fossilised human faeces ever found!

A tolly so big it had to be restrained

The huge poo measures in at a massive 20cm (8 inches) long and 5cm (2 inches) wide and was discovered by archaeologists from York Archaeological Trust whilst excavating the Viking settlement of Jorvik (York)!

You may think that you’ve had a few large ones in your time, but none can compare to this massive stool. According to the analysis of the stool, whoever produced this mammoth shite lived on a diet of meat and bread, and there was also a presence of hundreds of parasite eggs, which suggests they had intestinal worms – poor guy.

The poo fossil is believed to have been deposited by a Viking around 1,300 years ago.

LARGEST FOSSILISED HUMAN FAECES

Aye well that wis a whopper but what could possibly be mair shite than a huge hard keich ?

How aboot wiping a royal arse

The Groom of the Stool

The Groom of the Stool was a male servant in the household of the English monarch who was responsible for assisting the king in his toileting needs. It is a matter of some debate as to whether the duties involved cleaning the king’s bottom, but the groom is known to have been responsible for supplying a bowl, water and towels and also for monitoring the king’s diet and bowel movements[6] and liaising with the Royal Doctor about the king’s health.

The office was exclusively one serving male monarchs, so on the accession of Elizabeth I of England in 1558, it was replaced by the First Lady of the Bedchamber

GROOM OF THE STOOL

A pretty gross and undignified job you might say ,wan fur the broon nose’rs but how aboot this hysterical event

Erfurt latrine disaster

In July 1184, Henry VI, King of Germany (later Holy Roman Emperor), held court at a Hoftag in the Petersberg Citadel in Erfurt. On the morning of 26 July, the combined weight of the assembled nobles caused the wooden second story floor of the Peterskirche to collapse and most of them fell through into the latrine cesspit below the ground floor, where about 60 of them drowned in liquid excrement.

ERFURT LATRINE DISASTER

Plane Poo

The Shite So Toxic It Grounded a Plane

Anus Horribilis: Someone Did a Shite So Bad it Grounded a Plane

This is a fact. This happened. The plane was going from Heathrow to Dubai, but 30 minutes in, it had to turn around and come back.

You have to assume that the shit-doer was having a subnormal digestion day. Somebody with a long-standing poo disease—the kind that can render an airplane bathroom medically inadvisable in ten minutes flat

TOILET CRIME GROUNDS AIRCRAFT.

POOP SO TOXIC IT GROUNDED A PLANE

Shite From The Sky

A man was enjoying the sun in his backyard in Windsor, southeast England when a passing plane dropped toilet waste over him and his garden furniture, The “whole garden, garden umbrellas, and him” were “covered” in shite
In southern England, locals were left “terrified” after “frozen poo” fell from the sky.
But raw sewage landing in someone’s backyard is much rarer.

The Shite Bomb

2009, RUSSIA, CANNON

Aleksandr Georgievich Semenov, a Russian inventor with approximately 200 patents to his name, filed a patent in 2009 that was titled “Method of Biowaste Removal From Isolated Dwelling Compartment.”

Which, in non-patent-title-terms, is a device that would allow tanks to fire human shit.

The idea is that, when a soldier in a tank needs to shit, they would do it into a special type of shell casing which contains enough room for their poo, as well as an explosive charge. They would then place the shell into the tank’s gun and fire it at the enemy, coating them in said poo.

This is handy for two reasons: Firstly, it would get rid of human waste from the tank, which is an enclosed space that soldiers are often forced to be in for long periods of time. Secondly, it would coat the enemy and their surrounding environment in poop, something the inventor described to the Guardian as “additional military-psychological and military-political effects.”

There you go jist a few shite things and some shite stuff ,so before you go thinking that you have had a shite day just because yer oven door has disintegrated and you canny huv yer mince pie and roastables fur tea ,think about all the other poor folk throughout history who have not had the best of days