Pizzas

November 28th

The Alien absquatulated in the mother ship early this morning on a quest for the procurement of the festive feast and other Santa memorabilia ,so with a certain amount of trepidation I ventured intae the dangerous realms of the Astral kitchen ,hud a quick shifty in the freezer and thought , I will make pizzas fur the tea ,cause they are easy and everybody likes hot breed wae tomato sauce.

Immediately oan entering the Astral kitchen and withoot thought or fear fur ma ain personal safety, I sprang intae ma Swedish chef mode, firstly I fired some flour and yeast intae a bowl and let that suppurate for an hour or three while I made the topping …Sorted

Next oan tae the topping prep ,I chopped an onion ,some tomatoes ,a pepper and a couple of hot spicy Pepperami’s cause they are fab oan a pizza, then cut ma cheeses ready fur grating. Sound

Noo fur ma special tomato sauce wae the secret ingredient.

Please note that being Scottish ,I defy all odious Tories including ther deviant reversion tae Imperial mints, therefore a’ ma weights and measures ur in Scottish Fuck Off’s

I thought a hud better explain this, jist in case yoose ur no Scottish or don’t cook in Fuck Off’s

Right back tae the jist.

I grabbed another bowl ,squirts in a big fuck off squirt of tomato puree added a wee fuck off dash of sugar ,a fuckin splash off soya sauce and Worcestershire sauce ,and a fuckin sprinkle of mint and garlic salt .
Now for the secret ingredient which is a big fuck off squirt of tomato ketchup .

A looks in the fridge ,eeeecks nae tomato ketchup ,bummer I will huv tae rummage through the Aliens emergency supply cupboard that she hus stocked up wae deadly tins of processed inedibles like Ye Olde Oak Roadkill Hot Dogs ,Goblin Intestinal Hemorrhaging Hamburgers and 100% Pure Chicken Feet Mince ,all safely stockpiled in the event of a nuclear haemorrhoid attack. .
So a rumage rumage later and I come oot wae this big fuck off bottle of extra value with 50% free added extra value ,pure tomato ketchup made with real vinegar ,I take off the seal ,click the lid back oan ,shake vigorously as instructed by the instructions and Holy Astringent Plum-Like Fruit Batman ,I huv just first coated the kitchen in extra value pure 100% red dye with added flavour and colourings .

OK ,think fast, thinks I

You urgently require ,hot water ,squeezy and other cleaning stuff ,sponge and cloth .

Firstly save the units before this shit melts the paint aff them then tackle the walls.

Two hours and a bottle of ‘Flash Multi Purpose Cleans Fuck All ‘ later and the walls are now a kind off recent murder, blurred splattered effect …Sorted!

Think think but don’t panic ,the Alien will no be hame fur hours yet ,brain whirs ,lightbulb clicks ,ha ,I will paint the fuckin walls and nae cunt will ever notice …Sound!

So I return tae the nuclear bunker /fall oot shelter where the toxic tinned meat is kept cause that is also where the near empty paint tins ur stored annaw .

I suppose the Aliens reasoning behind this is ,if the balloon does goes up and we huv tae redecorate efter the thermonuclear blast ,there will always be a spot of paint tucked away safe and sound jist fur that kind of occasion..

Right what huv we got here ,light grey chalk bathroom emulsion ,but there is no much left ,light but slightly darker grey satinwood mid sheen gloss ,but there is no much left in that tin either ,not a problem ,I will mix the fuckers together and by incorporating the gloss tae the mix ,this should, hopefully render the paint with washable properties …Sound

Mix mix ,stir stir ,add to paint tray ,roll on the walls ..mmmmmm that looks blue tae me
,I will let it dry ,so a did

It Dried !

Holy chittering chilblains Batman,

That is freezing cold ice blue ,the Alien won’t like that at all..
Think ,think ,thought I, tick ,tick ,brain whirs ,light bulb clicks oan ,brain says check the other paint tins and mix the fuckers together .

“What a totally fuckin stupendous idea ” ,thought me tae masell ” Plan, sorted and sound me auld china ,plus the alien will be delighted with the new kitchen makeover..

I head back intae the bunker wae the one watt light bulb ,what have we got here,a wee drop ivory white ,some stone ,some magnolia , I will just bang in what’s left of the light grey or blue as it turned out .

Mix mix, and in the dim light I thought “That looks pretty crap ,it just needs something to give it a bit warmth “
Rummage rummage ,what have we here ,and a nearly a full tin as well ,eeeecks and tae . It is that pillar box red the Alien painted the front door wae ,then immediately painted over it wae four coats of the light grey ,but hey ,that would add the required warmth to ma peely wally kinda off white slime coloured eco friendly mixture.
So I add a wee splash ,not a fuck off splash ,just a wee splash, gave it another mix mix, and in the dim light I thought ” Now we are getting somewhere that looks quite a cosy colour ,I will just add some more red “

Right ,back tae the kitchen thinking tae masell “You huv not only saved the planet wae yer eco friendly nice warm looking hame mixed paint ,you have saved some cash while giving the kitchen a now desperately required makeover ( cause the kitchen hus’ny been painted since the Alien painted it two months ago ) ,aren’t you just glad that you decided tae make pizzas this morning “

I huv tae get ma finger oot here noo before the acid dribbler gets hame ,so it is paint in the paint tray ,roll roll ,paint is oan the walls ,wa’ash oot the rollers and paint tray and stick the pizzas in the oven cause it is startin tae get dark .. Sorted ?

It is dark by now so I put the light oan, sit doon wae ma wee cuppa tea and think tae masell ,Holy reverse polarity Batman, now that’s a colour mmmmmmm

Ten minutes later in stoats the Alien and just before I could say, hello,how was your day ,I have made your favorite pizzas for tea and given the kitchen a wee much unneeded makeover while I was at it ,what do you think ?

The acid spitting heid rears itself

” Jeezo !! What have you done and what the fuck is that you have splattered all over the walls ya colour blind eejit ? You just canny be left alone for ten minutes “

Undaunted I replied “Did you have a procuringly nice day ? And sorry tae burst yer opinion bubble, but I am not in fact colour blind ,I merely suffer from a slight red/green deficiency “

The Alien screams back “Well what fucking colour does yer deficiency think it has slapped all over the walls then ya bampot ?”

My answer was ” It is a warm light eco friendly red of my own design and manufacture ,why pay for expensive tinted paints when you can mix warm and vibrant colours yourself using leftover paint dregs that wid mair than likely end up ,dried up and in the bucket,anyway if you do not like it ,I can always paint over it ,ther are mair hauf fill paint tins in the cupboard  “

“You fuckin better believe you can paint over it ” Screamed the acid dribbling skull while putting her coat back oan
“That particular colour your deficiency has managed tae concoct was our daughters favourite colour when she was eight or nine ,if you recall ,she demanded we paint her room in that colour, your eco friendly deficiency has manufactured what is known in the not colour deficient trade as Shocking Pink “

I replied “It’s no quite dry yet ,it might mellow “

The acid spit ,spat ” I will be back from the paint shop by the time ‘That ‘has dried and you can fuckin mellow it by painting over the top of it ,and I had better buy a big fuck off tub of paint because ‘That ‘ will take at least three coats to cover “

And do you know what ,it did take three coats tae cover
But that wis maistly because ,thanks tae the Tory fuckup of Brexit ,all the paint shop hud in big fuck off tubs wis boring auld magnolia

I did say tae the alien that I could add a wee bit something tae it,a wee dash of red perhaps,jis fur tae gee it that wee bit pizazz ,if she wished.

It was at that moment everything went dark, when I woke up ,I was inside an air locker staring intae the vastness of space…doo roo roo roo ,doo roo roo roo
You have just entered the zone of twilight.

The next day efter I had slapped the three coats of magnolia oan the walls ,I thought tae masell ” Magnolia is quite a versatile colour which is neither cold nor garish ,so see fae noo oan ,when I splatter the walls wae inappropriately or deficiently packaged produce ,I shall jist yase pure unadulterated magnolia tae hide the carnage fae ma special Alien person which will subsequently greatly reduce ma chances of being ejected from an air locker intae the empty vastness of deep space.

Dae you wa’nt a bit pizza afore they get cold ?