Today

 August 6th

I woke up this morning and thought ‘That was lucky’
Then a did my usual morning Crocodile Dundee bit and said ‘What day’s today Wall ?’ but as usual the wall did not answer, in fact none of the four of them answered ,ignorant bastards
So I thought tae masell ,a will jist fun oot what day today is by looking up my diary because you never know some days can be quite interesting days.

A grabbed my diary and went ‘swipe swipe’ through the pages.
What do you mean ,that surely I must mean ..’flick flick’ through the pages ?
Naw ,away an no haver mince ,yooze ur just being silly noo ,this is the year 2021 for goodness sake ,who the fuck keeps a paper diary in 2021 ?
A huv an electronic diary these days , well I dae have a real paper diary as well but that is for the year 1993 so it is a bit out of date ,it was already out of date when a bought it in 1994 .

Anyway the first obstacle a hit was not knowing whit day it wis ,it is easier finding out what day it is if you have a rough idea of the year and month .I know this fae experience.

I do know for defo that today is sometime after January 2021 cause that wis when my last electricity red reminder letter came .
So by seductive reasoning I can calculate that if I paid that bill in February my next bisexual red letter bill will arrive in July ,therefore it must be sometime in August.
Clever stuff eh

Ma grandweans tell me tae jist ask Alexa ,I suppose a could have asked Alexa, whoever the fuck Alexa is ,but I don’t know Alexa’s,so a never bothered asking her .

Call me auld fashioned but a jist canny see the logic in that masell ,the way a look at it is.
Wid you no be just as well stopping and asking the first person you saw in the street what day it wis ?
Rether than goin  doon the route of stoppin every cunt in the street and sayin ‘Is your name Alexa ?’

Person number 256 ..’ Is your name Alexa ? ‘
Person in street number 256 says ..’Aye how ?’
Then you say.. ‘Alexa , whit day is today ?’
And Alexa replies.. ‘Am fucked if a know ,a huv been oan the batter since last Friday ‘

Plus a wis still in ma boxers anyway ,the polis wid huv lifted me fur undecent imposter if they caught me wandering aboot the streets asking every cunt if ther name wis Alexa at seven in the morning, hauf dressed and no knowing whit fuckin day of the week it wis.

Aye well a just looked at ma phone cause it hus the date unnerneath the clock.

So noo a know that this is the 6th of August, but whit day is it ?

This is wher yer diary comes in handy..6th of August ..swipe swipe
Fuck it’s no ‘International Talk like a Pirate Day’ anway ,an that is wan of ma favourite days tae .. ‘ahaar and avast behind land lubbers ‘ but that’s no tae September 19th so a will jist huv tae wait til then afore a can say..
Why are pirates called pirates ? They just aaarrrrrrr

Aye the Alien wan gets quite intae the swing eh September 19th annaw ,she cau’s me ‘Will Ewe ‘oan International Talk like a Pirate Day ,well it dis’ny actually need tae be International Talk like a Pirate day she cau’s me ‘Will Ewe’ oan maist days ,especially if there’s a Midsomer Slaughter or an Agatha Christine’s ,Murder By The Second oan the telly ,and a stoat in wearing ma eye patch and stripy T-shirt wae the big brush under ma oaxter yellin ‘Ahoy matey ,ahaaarrrrr ,shiver me blisterin barnacled Typhooned timbers aaarrrr ,it be rust in the brain , then burst intae a sea shanty or three.
That’s usually when she gees me wan eh they acid drippin Alien stares and says ‘Will Ewe .. fuckin shut up.
So a dae ,a usually just fuck off intae the kitchen and make some mince cause that’s comfort food .

So whit day is August 6th ?
It is definitely ringin bells in ma napper, an I am practically perfectly positive that today is wan of ma favorite days annaw ,so a am

Click click ,swipe swipe ,(the sound effects ur good eh ) here we go ,August the 6th !!!!!
Ya cunt ! Naw it canny be .So a looked again eeeeeck
August 6th is ma very favouritest day of the year.

‘Jist go back tae yer bed till the morra ‘ says me tae I ,and completely forget aboot August the 6th cause you canny celebrate it .

No noo that fuckin arshole of a dentist hus gone an ripped yer tap molar oot ,then it’s got infected, then he’s prescribed you they fucked up pissed off antibiotics, which ur also yased as antibuse fur fuck sake and you are in the middle of the course on August the 6th ,which just happens to be International Beer Day.

Normally I would hold an International Beer Festival on August 6th

‘Cunt’ I exclaimed tae masell Why did a huv tae wake up awe antibiotic-ed oan International Beer Day ? Fate can be cruel at times .
See wae me being an International Diarist a like tae try and celebrate every International day ,just tae be polite you understand.
Saying that, I am no overly keen oan International Herpes Day, a don’t usually over enthuse to much oan that day.

Never mind ,if a wake up oan August 7th a can always celebrate that day, whatever it is ,a could swipe over the page and huv a swatch at whit day it is ,but where’s the fun in that ,it wid just take the excitement oot of waking up.
So a will just go and make some mince fur the tea and ponder what day August the 7th will be ,who knows, August 7th could well be International Day of Mince then a could celebrate twice ,talk it and make it , I can huv dual ,double duo days of mince .Fabulous