Lucky

 24th August

Today must be a special day methinks tae ma’sel, emails are pouring in this morning ,ma we email notification tune is going nuts ,lucky me.

So a hud a wee swatch at ma emails just tae see how lucky I wis gonny be today ,you never know I might have won the lottery .

Do you feel lucky punk ? As a matter of fact ,a dae feel lucky the day ,punk

I thought if my first email says ‘ You me auld china huv jist won the Euromillions Jackpot ‘ personally, speakin fur ma’sel ,a would consider that tae be very lucky indeed ,seein as a don’t dae the fuckin lottery . But you never know yer luck

Aye well, the first two emails ur’ny very lucky and I never won the lottery which I found a bit traumatising cause a hud convinced ma’sel I hud won it ,a never even got an email fae the lottery, cunts ,they could have at least emailed me tae let me know a hud’ny won it . I will tell you something ,a will no be botherin ma’sel daein that lottery that a don’t dae anyway ,ever again ,that’s fur sure .

Emails

The first wan’s fae Spybook :- Razor Wire Fencing and Hot Tubs Ltd. would like tae be your friend on social media ,do you know Razor Wire Fencing and Hot Tubs Ltd.? simply click on this link tae add them to your friends list.

Nope I am not tae ma knowledge ,personally acquainted with a Mr or Mrs Razor Wire Ltd. , I can dink that wan

Next is jist ma usual daily correspondence fae the builders merchants letting me know that today ,for one day only ,I can buy selected drywall screws , lavvy U bends and a bottle of liquid plasticiser for the special today only price of what they cost everyday . OK a will dink that wan annaw

Next email please

eeeeeeeeecks !! fuck !! a forgot about that ..Naaaaaw

Shite it’s Confused dotcunts day ,today is the day that yer schizophrenic opera singing plump boy who talks tae himself oan the telly then screams ‘Be Prepared – Be Prepared ‘ phones me up .

Yip today is the day that every cunt and their granny’s budgie wa’ants tae sell me hoose insurance so I better unplug the hoose phone pronto.

So I hud a sketch at Be Preared site

Fuck you ya schizoid opera singin fuck .The cheapest policy fae the deranged round boy costs shitloads of shekels fur next tae fuck all cover and it also says ‘Please enter your details and fill in our online request to continue ‘

No thank you Mr Multiple Personalitydisorder . I shall jist renew the policy I already huv by conversing tae a real human robot over the talking wire ,well telephonic communication is mostly carried out by yer voice sound being converted intae electrical signals ,then to a strings of numbers which are then transmitted over radio waves to the nearest network base station antenna these days I suppose ,but you know whit a mean ,renewal by telephony means ther will be no problemo ‘s , in other words renewal by phone call will be a piece of pish “

So a clicked doon ma shiny new last years online policy ,finds the phone number ?..Ring Ring … Insurance answer machine answers.

‘For this press wan ,fur that press two ,fur them press three ,fur those press four ,for all other options fill in our online form ..or hold ‘ .. It’s a hold from me

zzzzzzz efter hauf an hour of Vivaldi’s four seasons being rudely interrupted every two minutes by ‘Did you know you can renew your policy by completing our online form’ ..it’s Ring Ring time again ,Please speak or type your policy number intae yer phones keypad.

You are kidding me oan ,fuck it is aboot two pages long , Nae point in saying it cause machines don’t unnerston ma lingo , I will try the typing method.

Type Type …We do not recognise that policy number ..Please try again ‘Did you know you can register your details using our online form ?’ Aye I do now fuck off , I will be trying the typing again cunto machine “

Type Type again …. Different sound this time ..click click ..Welcome to Bogus Home Insurance ,our records show that you policy will expire in .. Then the machine changes voice .. Ten Days ..Then the machine changes voice back jist tae tell me ..You can renew your policy online simply by completing our online registration form.. aaaaaaaargh

So I screams doon the phone in ma posh voice that machines still don’t unnerston ‘ Naw I just wa’ant tae speak tae some cunt human ,or just something alive even ,the office cat wid dae , please try and understand ya binary brained monotone fuck, I am jist wa’anting tae renew ma hoose insurance policy ,listen tae me ya cuntobrained answer machine fuck ,a dae huv a policy already ,the very same policy that will require renewal in ..Ten Days ..according tae yer other mechanised voice ya fuckin fanny.. Listen tae me

The answer from the machine is still ‘Naw am no listening tae you ,whit dae you no unnerston aboot filling in our online form , jist press click and fill in our online form dumbo ‘

Aye all right then I will fill in yer simple easy step by step guided online form ,again, jist like a dae every fuckin year ..

So a clicks oan the form ,the first thing that comes up on screen in big red letters ‘Your policy will expire in ..Ten Days.. To simply renew your policy simply confirm your details by completing our simple online registration form and your policy will simply be automatically renewed.

Aye right where’s the fuckin form .. click click

The usual pish form Name.. Address.. Postcode ..Policy Number ..

Next..

How auld is your hoose ? – ‘Very’ is not the correct answer

Lets move oan tae doors and entrances ,

How many doors does your property have ? – ‘Is two OK for you’ Yip that seems tae be an acceptable answer.

Are these doors used for entry and exit purposes ? – ‘Naw wee usually jist climb in the windaes as we find using the doors somewhat toilsome ‘

What kind of doors dae you huv ? Do they huv Locks ? Do the locks huv keys ? – Naw off course the locks don’t have keys ,we much prefer jist tae boot the door fuckin door aff the chib every time we nip oot fur a pint of milk and forget tae pit the snib up … jingszo

Same thing windaes

What kind of windaes dae you huv ? – Jist plain auld see through gless windaes like every other cunt oan the planet ,how ? would you like me tae brick them up for insurance purposes ?

Do all your windows have locks, do all the locks on your windows huv keys ?

How many windows are escape windows ?

Depends how fuckin desperate you are to escape a suppose, there’s a sixty fit drop oot the back wans so unless you were escaping wae a parachute strapped tae yer back a would’ny count those wans .

What are you actually getting at here automated form ?

Do you mean, dae awe ma windaes open ? And , is this a trick question tae fun oot if a huv perchance , lost any of the keys fur the windae locks , and if I huv managed tae loose a windae key ma insurance quote will inevitably be much, much, much. much higher cause if a skydiving cat burglar was ever tae get wind of the fact I hud lost a windae key ,they would for defo 100% guaranteed target that specific windae as a point of entry for burglarising purposes.

Next ..Bring oan the questions ,I um oan a roll here noo

Do you have gas ? Not at the moment but beans and cola can sometimes interfere with ma natural rhythm .

Who is your electricity supplier ? – Why dae they huv the missing key fur the windae lock ,yer rippin the pish wae these questions noo ,whit hus ma fuckin electricity provider got tae day wae building insurance .Dae some electricity providers employ an excessive number of ex burglars as meter readers perhaps ?

Nearly finished ,the simple online form only took all morning ..

Please review then click send.. So a does that ,review review, click send

Error please check and resubmit ..Whit !!! fuck off ya computerised cuntoform ,whit the fuckin whit’s wrang noo ?

A quick check ,review ,check and click later

Click .. Please review or change your postcode

Whit ? How the fuck dae a change the hooses postcode ,tie a rope roon it and drag it up the fuckin street tae greener pastures or can I change the hooses place of residence by Deed Poll ?

Another check ,review and click later ‘Error ‘ again ..Method of Payment …Please update your bank details

Right a will give that a bash ..Type Type bank details ….

Bingo ..You have successfully renewed your home insurance .

So all they really wa’anted wis the cash

Fuck that was lucky

No more Be Prepared Be Prepared Confusion fur a whole year