Reflection
August 12th
Today I heard this knocking sound and thought that’s strange ,I wonder if my kettle is gonny blow up ? Cause I had ma kettle oan you see ,tae make a wee cuppa tea ,ma kettle is gettin on a bit and it is loud .
My kettle is so loud in fact that when it is reaching the boil ,it even drowns oot the noise of the air ambulance when it lands oot the back tae pick up the auld or sick or infirm or stupid cunt emergency jobs fur tae wheech over tae the mainland ,and you know what kind of racket a helicopter makes when it lands no 500 yards away fae yer kitchen windae ..
What you don’t know what a helicopter landing sounds like ? Well I can assure you oan the scale of loudness scale, a helicopter landing in the park jist doon the road ,is fuckin loud.
Anyway whit wis a oan aboot ,aye the knocking sound .Ther it wis again ‘Knock Knock…Knock ‘ I thought, electric kettles don’t really make a knocking sound when they reach their expiry date ,they usually just stop working ,unless you’ve done something really stupid like covered the blown fuse wae tin foil then spillt wa’ater over the plug ,they jist go bang then ,but ma kettle wis daein nane of this and anyway it had finished boiling ,but that knocking sound was still going on..
Then the penny dropped ,I knew I had heard that sound afore ,ther wis some cunt knockin oan ma door .
Noo that’s something you don’t hear every day ,well no in ma house ,nae cunt chaps ma door ,they just fuckin walk in. Unless it’s the postie wae a parcel ,but he just knocks and shouts ‘ther’s yer parcel ,a’ve left a’hint the door ‘. ( that means ‘I have left your parcel behind the front door’ fur those of yooze whit don’t speak Postie )
Then a shout back ‘Thank you postie ,wan day I am gonny lock that door ,then you’ll be fucked ha’.
Enough of this quantumplating ,I suppose a better go and see what whoever is chappin oan the door will be wa’anting .
So a opens the door and jeely pieces – eeecks and tae ! – Whit the fuck huv these cunts come as ?
The latest last millennium fashion catalogue had just arrived at ma door
And the burd he wis wae looked like she hud just escaped fae the set of the Stepford Wives disguised as a bad acid trip
Then a noticed the briefcase ,so a says
“Ur yooze fae the Inland Revenue ? Not that I have anything whatsoever to hide fae the taxman you understand ,lovely people that they are, some of ma best friends ur’ny taxmen ,it’s just that I suffer from a condition called taxmanaphobia ,the cunts make me nervous and I don’t like tae be in the same room as wan of them ,I huv the same problem wae wasps .
And they per stared back and said wae much weirdness ” No ,we have come to tell you the truth “
“So yer no candidadising fur the forthcoming COP 26 summint in Glasgow then? ” Says I tae they
” I might as well tell you pilgrims that ma super human powers of deduction have concluded that yooze ur no from around these parts . Dae yoose come fae up the scheme by any chance ? And I do not suppose you are here tae confess that the pair of you went oot oan the razzle the other night, got totally spangled, moseyed oan doon this way ,nipped oot ma back door and dug up ma geraniums ?
Naw a didnae think so cause yer appearance jist isnae screamin oot at me ‘Native common or garden Bucky swallying horticulturist geranium digging bevvied up total bams’
Anyway I hud already logically deduced that it wis the dug whit it hud done the geranium diggin cause it wisnae me that shit oan the fuchsia’s .
So Mrs Bad Acidtrip spouts ” We are here to tell you the world is going to end “
“Oh dear ,that’s unfortunate, how sad “replied I ” Will a huv time tae drink ma cup of tea ,cause I just made a fresh wan.
I don’t suppose I should bother opening the biscuits either then ,an ther custard creams as well “
Next Mademoiselle Bad Trip gets a’ Leeds United and tells me that I am going to die and that she and the living sports jacket ur here tae save me ,all I have to do is read this pamphlet .
“An that’s it ” Says me tae they ” Jist read that wee pamphlet and that will be me no blown up tae infinity and beyond ,crikey ,I thank yooze kindly pilgrims and am most grateful fur yer concern, I will heed yer advise and stock up my nuclear bunker /coal cellar wae beans in preparation fur this imminent apocalypse , I would normally have invited yez in for a cup of tea and a custard cream, but I can see that wae a’ this forthcoming impending doom ,time is of the essence for you, having people to save and all that, but more importantly ma tea is getting cold so you might want to fuck off now and save some other cunt before the almighty balloon goes up ,But before yoose leave fur tae further yer epic quest pilgrims ,two things :-
Firstly Where dae you buy yer clothes ? Are they bespoke or original ,genuine 1960’s barn finds.
Secondly ,If I am to take wan of your brainwashing pamphlets , you pardner pardners before you off in a fuckingly manner ,must take one of mine, which is entitled Dudeism fur beginners ,I always keep a few copies lying around behind the front door just in case some of you unfortunates manage tae get past the dug and through the perimeter defences ,
So the 1960’s fashion catalogue fucked off tae save next door ,and do you know whit the final outcome of this dialogue wis ? Aye ,ma fuckin tea wis cold, so a hud tae put that noisy fucker of a kettle back on :-
On Reflection
If the weather hud been better and ther wisnae a hooley blowin up the stair ,I could have gone on tae explain to these fashion statements ,my Chewing Gum Theory ,a hypothesis I formulated wan night while I was sittin in a bus shelter meditating an alcohol induced coma and waitin fur the last bus that a hud missed ,this is a theory that proves the earth is flat because just efter the Big Bang while still in a semi molten ‘chewing gum ‘ like state ,the blob we call the Earth was thrown across the cosmos an splattered aff the wall at the end of the universe making it flat, then it skited like a frisbee back intae the solar system, hence my Chewing Gum Theory which is highly disregarded within scientific circles .
I could also have kept masell amused fur like totally hours relating to the weirdness duo details of how I know for defo of the existence of extra- torrential beings ,after closely encountering a meeting of The Intergalactic Space Federation ,a coalition of aliens from around the Universe who are presently living in temporary accommodation in a campsite down on the dark underside of the earth . These ISF, ET’s are as I type, negotiating a trade deal wae the Tories fur the provision of PPE in exchange for the exclusive rights to their formula for an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator and that these meetings take place every second Thursday in the cleaning cupboard next tae the upstairs toilets in the Roxburgh Hotel . But as I said the weather wis pish, ma Dudeism had kicked in and It’s nice tae be nice ,so I did’nae
Just fur yer perusal ,here is some ethical Dudeism , personally though ,I don’t bowl
Dudeism is a religion, philosophy, or lifestyle inspired by “The Dude”, the protagonist of the Coen Brothers’ 1998 film The Big Lebowski.
Dudeism’s stated primary objective is to promote a modern form of Chinese Taoism, outlined in Tao Te Ching by Laozi (6th century BC), blended with concepts from the Ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus (341–270 BC), and presented in a style as personified by the character of Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski, a fictional character portrayed by Jeff Bridges in the film.
The Dudeist belief system is essentially a modernized form of Taoism stripped of all of its metaphysical and medical doctrines.
Dudeism advocates and encourages the practice of “going with the flow”, “being cool headed”, and “taking it easy” in the face of life’s difficulties, believing that this is the only way to live in harmony with our inner nature and the challenges of interacting with other people.
It also aims to assuage feelings of inadequacy that arise in societies which place a heavy emphasis on achievement and personal fortune.
Consequently, simple everyday pleasures like bathing, bowling, and hanging out with friends are seen as far preferable to the accumulation of wealth and the spending of money as a means to achieve happiness and spiritual fulfillment.
March 6 is the annual sacred high holy day of Dudeism: The Day of the Dude
The Church of the Latter-Day Dude launched its official publication, The Dudespaper, in the fall of 2008. A Dudeist holy book,
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