21st August

Aquascaping is ma today’s diary subject , I have become a fervent aquascaper and today just happens tae be the aquascapers ( aquascaper being moi ) aquascape cleaning day , so jist tae make sure that a wis up oan ma subject and knew what a wis daein ,a did a wee bit of research oan the subject.

“What does an Aquascaper do ?” says you

Well aquascaping is dead exiting and interesting ,I only dae interesting things that is why a huv a dead interestin life .

Fear not for my safety though, aquascaping is not as adventurous and dangerous as it sounds !

I huv nae need tae tear doon the harbour wae ma wa’ater ski’s, scuba gear and spear gun ,jump oan ma high powered James Bond speedboat ,skite aboot the wa’ater like yer mad mental malkyin SPECTRE supervillain that hus a definite wa’ant aboot them, diving aboot underwa’ater like an eejit smiting , smoteing and chibbin awe the other divers fur miles around wae spear guns and futuristic weaponry fur tae get ma cheapies you know ,which is quite fortunate really, cause I don’t own any wa’ater skis, scuba diving equipment , high powered rubber dinghies or futuristic weaponry .

Whit a dae is keep plants in a fish tank which hus other stuff in it as well ,other stuff like shells and wee bits of stane and snails and wee water fleas and water widlice .

The reason a keep under wa’water woodlice in the tank is cause the wee fuckers jist arrived and no simply due tae the fact ordinary slaters would droon under the wa’ater in the tank . Aye anyway I don’t know the right name fur underwater slaters ,so henceforth and fae this moment onwards, for the purpose of this diary entry only ,the wee beasties will be referred tae as ‘under wa’ater widlice’ .

Underwa’ater Widlice

Their resemblance to woodlice is not a coincidence as they are both types of isopod, a group of crustaceans. This means they are more closely related to crabs and lobsters than insects

Water slaters get around from pond to pond by being moved on plants

The common water slater (Asellus aquaticus)

Originally awe I intended tae be keep in ma wee fish tank wis wee fish ,but the wee fishes wirn’ny that keen oan livin in ma wee fish tank so efter about twenty years they jist decided tae float aboot the surface daein nothin much very exciting , it wis at this point a decided tae keep something less experienced ,a hobby where no input and very little intellectual maintenance wis required ,plants seemed tae be the way tae go as they are not generally known fur ther intellectual capacity and that is how I got started in under wa’ater gardening.

The aquascaping hus gone so well that noo, I mostly keep snails in ma wee fish tank, aye ,a keep snails as pets you know ,these ur’ny yer ordinary common or garden ,boring auld garden snails and slugs ,naw cause jist like yer ordinary slaters , yer common or garden snail wid jist droon underwa’ater ,it wid jist be a stupid idea tae even think aboot keeping garden snails underwa’ater in an underwa’ater garden ,the kind of idea that only a fuckin bampot wid come up wae.

“Who thought that idea up ? ” .. “Oh you did ,I might huv known ,feckin idiot ”

Keeping snails as pets wis’nae ma original intention ,these wee dead interestin hings were no actually part of ma grand aquascaping plan, whit happened wis I bought ma underwa’ater plants online fae ‘Posh Pond Plants ‘ a reputable underwa’ater plant dealer .Pish Pond Plants is mair like it plus they also must be reputable underwa’ater snail dealers cause for every species of plant I bought a different species of snail came along wae the plant .

Aboot a week efter I hud first aquascaped the tank ( that’s the technical term yased by us asquascapers which simply means a hud fired some plants intae the gless box fur awe yoose non aquascapers oot there ) I says tae the Memsaab ” Oh look there’s a wee tiny toaty wee snail in there ,isnt that nice ? ” And Mrs M replied “Aye, awe look so it is ,isn’t that cute ? “

Within a couple of weeks of planting the hing up I says tae Mademoiselle Alien ” Where did awe they fuckin snails come fae ?” Mrs A hus a deek and replies “Fuck !!!”

Water Fleas, Daphnia

Water fleas are usually used as fish food. They are tiny crustaceans and are easily recognized of their jerky vertical “swimming”. They are completely harmless and really interesting creatures.

Anyway , a continued wae ma research and sure as fuck ,snails tend tae come along wae the plants ,and sure as fuck snails just like yer common or garden ,garden snails , like a wee breed tae themsells ,not only that they can podger themsells asexually cause they are hermaphrodites .That is awe yoose need tae know aboot that bit ,I shall not be drawn intae the deviancy and sordidness which is the lifecycle of yer underwa’ater snail ,and naw , a huv no idea if these wee aquatic pulmonate gastropod mollusks in the family Planorbidae can stick their ain tentacles up ther ain crevice ,whit kind of saddo question is that anyway and who asked that wan ? fuckin sicko .

Whit you did ? Away you and sit at the back haufwit , I shall continue

But what kind of snails were these snails cause they were quite varied in colour and type ,there were pinky red and bluey reddy coloured big shelled stuntsnails that float aboot then divebomb tae the bottom of the tank and there were darker shelled fuckers wae big ears ,then there were lighter coloured snails wae very similar shells tae the big eared fuckers but they did’nae huv big ears ..

I am good at this describing bit eh ? Through ma expository writing you should now be capable of identifying every single aquatic snail species oan the planet.

Aye anyway I am gettin aff the subject again ,haverin oan aboot descriptions an other completly irrelevant nonsense ,back tae the snail research .

So I researched ma new wee pets , just tae make sure that I wis keeping them happy tae be alive and well . The keeping them alive and happy business is not exactly rocket science or terribly time consuming ,as long as you don’t boil or freeze the wee cunts you can literally keep them in a jar of pish . The problem is stopping them from breeding.

This is an aquascaped tank you understand ,designed fur aquatic plants ,aquatic plants need a certain amount of light to happily grow , algae also likes light tae grow ,the snails like tae eat algae , the only way tae slow down their breeding is to limit their food supply ,that means cutting off the light tae cut doon the algae which in turn will hopefully cut doon the snails, but this will also stunt the plant growth tae a certain extent ,defeating the point of an aquascape tank ultimately leading tae me being stripped of ma title of Aquascaper and being labelled with the handle of Snail Keeper ,which let’s be honest here ,does’ny really sound as very exiting or dead interestin as Aqauascaper dis it ? .. Naw no really

Think aboot it ,a random person stops you in the street and says “Whit dae you dae ? ” ..Then you reply “I good random person um an Underwa’ater Snail Keeper ” ..Mr or Mrs Random noo jist walk away shakin their heid sayin .”Aye ? Very good “

Right ,what kind of snails do you have Bampot I asked ma’sel , so I once more researched the research ,

Well according tae ma research, sliding aboot over the gless in there I huv two types of pond snail a big eared wan and a wee eared type, these ur jist like yer common or garden ,garden snails exept ther no cause they live underwa’ater.

But then there ur ma very favourite wee snails ,these reddy bluey ,pinky coloured stunt snails are called Ramshorn snails ,they ur dead exiting cause they dae other stuff as well as jist slide aboot the gless and shite. They tend tae float aboot a lot then dive bomb tae the bottom as well as jist slide aboot the gless , quite thrilling tae watch .Well if yer daein fuck all else like no washin the dishes or no cleaning oot the cat litter tray that is .

Here is a wee link that will tell you awe aboot snails if you ur that way reclined

GASTROPOD ANATOMY

Deadly Snails

Then while a wis looking up the snail types a discovered this beastie Cone Snails

Conus geographus

Popularly called the geography cone or the geographer cone, is a species of predatory cone snail. It lives in reefs of the tropical Indo-Pacific, and hunts small fish. Although all cone snails hunt and kill prey using venom, the venom of this species is potent enough to kill humans. Specimens should be handled with extreme caution.

Fuck I hope I don’t huv these cunts jingso nae wonder the medieval knights of auld used tae fear battle wae snails ,this wis considered a duel tae the death .There wis nothing a knight feared mair than a snail and quite rightly tae ,snails are dangerous fuckin creatures you know ,fierce is an understatement.

Say you tae me ..”Whit the fuck are you haverin oan aboot noo ya ragin bampot ,medieval knights fighting snails ? Away and no talk utter pish ”

I would’ny be so sure aboot that compadres , Medieval Knights dreaded the snail . Yer average Sir Chivalrous tin can considered snails tae be superbly indestructibly mythically fuckin ferocious and incredibly dangerous creatures and quite rightly ,snails are as a matter of fact , one of the deadliest creatures on Earth .

Dangerous Snails In History

Knight v snail – in pictures

Knights are often pictured fighting snails in medieval manuscripts – but their significance has been lost in the slime of time. British Library experts have been tracking down the mighty molluscs and pondering their significance

Why Were Medieval Knights Always Fighting Snails?

It’s a great unsolved mystery of medieval manuscripts. As Got Medieval writes, “You get these all the time in the margins of gothic manuscripts.”

And I do mean all the time. They’re everywhere! Sometimes the knight is mounted, sometimes not. Sometimes the snail is monstrous, sometimes tiny. Sometimes the snail is all the way across the page, sometimes right under the knight’s foot. Usually, the knight is drawn so that he looks worried, stunned, or shocked by his tiny foe.

Epic snail-on-knight combat showed up as often in medieval manuscripts as Kilroy across Europe. “But the ubiquity of these depictions doesn’t make them any less strange,” says the British Library, rounding up a number of examples of the slimy battles.

The valiant snails could be a commentary on social oppression, or it could just be medieval humor, says Got Medieval: “We’re supposed to laugh at the idea of a knight being afraid of attacking such a “heavily armoured” opponent. Silly knight, it’s just a snail! “

The armoured snail fighting the armoured knight is a reminder of the inevitability of death

“Like a snail that melteth away into slime, they shall be taken away; like a dead-born child, they shall not see the sun.”

WHY WERE MEDIEVAL KNIGHTS ALWAYS FIGHTING SNAILS?

Why snails are one of the world’s deadliest creatures

Another creature belonging to the “small but deadly” category is the freshwater snail, which is responsible for more than 200,000 deaths a year — more deaths than sharks, lions and wolves combined.

Freshwater snails carry a parasitic disease called schistosomiasis, which infects nearly 250 million people, mostly in Asia, Africa and South America.

DEADLY SNAILS