A
rhyme is a repetition of similar sounds (usually the exact same phonemes) in the final stressed syllables and any following syllables of two or more words. Most often, this kind of rhyming (perfect rhyming) is consciously used for a musical or aesthetic effect in the final position of lines within poems or songs. More broadly, a rhyme may also variously refer to other types of similar sounds near the ends of two or more words. Furthermore, the word rhyme has come to be sometimes used as a shorthand term for any brief poem, such as a nursery rhyme or Balliol rhyme.
The word derives from Old French: rime or ryme, which might be derived from Old Frankish: rīm, a Germanic term meaning "series", or "sequence" attested in Old English (Old English: rīm meaning "enumeration", series", or "numeral") and Old High German: rīm, ultimately cognate to Old Irish: rím, Ancient Greek: ἀριθμός (arithmos "number"). Alternatively, the Old French words may derive from Latin: rhythmus, from Ancient Greek: ῥυθμός (rhythmos, rhythm).
Well see, ah wis cinna fed up wie writin ma diary doon in plain auld ordinary sentences an paragraphs, so ah thought thit ah wid try somehin different, an no jist cause ah'm an indifferent cinna guy.
So in wan ae ma Eureka moments ah thought "Why no make yer daily routine rhyme, en ye cuid sing this shit while ye wir writin it doon"
"Guid idea".. Thought I tae I .."But gaunny dispense wie the singin bit cause it upsets the dug, an the cat's no that chuffed wie yer chantin either!"
So a deal wis struck wie ma heid thit states ah cin sing whitever ah want tae masel, jist as long as it's no belted ootloud.
Onywey, below ah huv compiled some ae ma daily nonsense thit ye cin sing tae yersel if ye want, although ye dinnae huv tae sing it as this isnae a requirement.
Note: Ye cin also chant these lyrics tae ony tune thit fits, cause a huv'ny written ony music yit!
An here a wee
Scottish Words Glossary fae Stoory Duster , fur youse tae check, jist in case ah'm no spellin ma wurds right .
No Sae White Net CurtainsAh luiked up at the net curtains
Thit ur really dazzlin white
At least ah yased tae hink they wir
Tae ah seen thaim in daylight
So ah took thaim doon an washed thaim
That's when a got a fright
The watter in the washin bowl
Wis broon an mair like shite
This warnin fur mesh curtains
Ah gie tae thaim thit might
Hink screen curtains oan ther windaes
Only filter oot the solar light
Ay ,ah hoosehusbands work is never done !
Whit noo ? Make the tea a suppose , en write a sticky note thit reads : Ye really need tae git yersel a new per ae Marigold gloves!
This is the nestin season fur the big burds so thers wan ur two wee frustrations included aboot they feckers in this diary entry!
Shitehawks
Ah cleaned aw eh ma windaes
They wir luikin rether nice
Then along flew a big seagull
Whaes aim wis quite precise
So a cleaned aw eh ma windaes
No jist wance an no jist twice
Ah've noo cleaned aw ma windaes
Three times noo ,that makes thrice
Dae ye hink these fuckers watch an wait ?
Tins
Ah got fur us some processed meat
Thit comes in a big tin
But the tin opener jist buggered up
So the gash remains within
Ah've poked it an ah've stabbed it
Ah've hit it wey a hammer
So wir salad tea planned fur the night
Is only gittin warmer
Whits wrang wey mayo coleslaw ,cheese ,biled egg, an mince anywey ?
Ah suppose .
Well that will be me away doon the street tae source a new tin opener en.
Note tae sel.. Git new Marigold gloves annaw
Vegetables
Oh deary oh deary oh me
Ah forgot tae defrost the nights tea
So wey a cauld watter rinse
Moi melted some mince
Ther is fresh frozen peas
But whit orrer veg huv we's ?
An this might sound insane
But thers none,that means nane
Luiks like burgers again ,yip yippee!
Oh the benefits eh the healthy Brexit diet eh?
Wir fruit shoap like many wee local businesses hus noo shut an we huv wan store thit hauds the monopoly oor here, an since Brexit aw they stock is plenty eh absolutely Fuck All
Halloween
Wee whisps ae haar hing in the air
The sun hus disappeart somewher
This eve rememmer you're the host
Tae witches faeries an thee odd ghost
Light the fire, dinnae despair
As spooky hings float through the air
An set wan extra plate at least
So the deid cin jine ye in yer feast
Wee púcas eat much less thin most
They much prefer a slice ae toast
But feed thaim ootside an leave thaim be
Sittin unnerneath ther favourite tree
Never ever feed yer resident púcas inside the hoose, trust me oan this wan, jist gaunny no!
Fridges
We goat wirsels a knew fridge
But it hus a squeaky door
We've never hud anorrer fridge
Wey such a squeaky door afore
So a phoned up customer services
Who wie confident insight
Telt us thit wir squeakin door
Wis an issue wey the light
Well ah carried oan conversin
But ma tongue ah hud tae bite
Cause ah wis jist aboot tae tell thaim
Thit they wir spraffin utter shite
So ah popped the wee hinge covers
En ah swapped the washers round
Noo wir fridges squeakin door
Disnae make a sound
Internet
Ah returns wey milk tae an empty hoose
Nae weans, nae dugs, no even a moose
So ah wonner why this cuid possibly be
Jings! Ther internets back oan fae whit ah see
Through messages here an messages ther
An astonished moi cin noo declare
Thank Tim Berners-Lee fur he's furst web site
Peace an harmony is noo a stable green light!
Ah went an bought mair buiscuits tae.
Oh dear, how sad, goody goody, ah wull'ny need tae plank the hings noo!
Heeeeeucht!
Guy Fawkes
The dug disnae like they fireworks
Neither dis the cat
The night they'll mair thin likely
Shit oan wir new door mat
Guy Fawkes himsel wis Inglis
An accordin tae he's claims
Wis gaunny blow Scotch beggars
Back tae ther heilan hames
But wey a bit ae prodin
John Johnson chainged his tune
As it turns oot noo the big plan wis
Tae blast the Royals tae the moon
So when ye light yer fires
Jist rememmer oan this night
At least some aulder Inglis
Hud a wee bit smert foresight
Autumn
The leaves ur affy aw wir trees
Ah noo see shoapers doon the street
They stoap an huv a blether
Wey the orrer people thit they meet
So ah watch the bus come up the hill
An wonner whaes oan that
It's ma Mrs wey the messages
Amazin..Fancy that !
So ah goes tae meet ma Mrs
Fur a wee haun wey her bag
When up the hill far far away
Ah see this big bomb warnin fleg!
Whit the actual fuck ? The boy in that hoose obviously disnae quite git the fleg hingin bit, maist folk roon aboot here jist hing up Saltires ur fitba flegs!
This is an auld wan fae the furst Lager in the Park days!
We wir headin up the Lang Whang
When it sterted gittin dark
So we stoaped tae ask a poacher
If we wir gaun tae Stathclyde Park
He says continue up the road
An turn aff fur Carluke
But dinnae take the back road
Or ye'll end up in Craigneuk
These roads ah yased tae know by heart
Ever fae ah wis a wean
But since they built they motorways
Back roads jist tax ma brain
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/A70_road
But ma best directions ever wir written doon as:
Turn right when you come to the pub at the crossroads.
About five miles along that road you will come to a puddle, half a mile past the puddle there is a big wheelie bin ,take a right at the wheelie bin and the place is about three miles down the dirt track.
P.S. If you have passed the wheelie bin then you have gone too far and need to turn round because ther is absolutely nothing for 20 miles past the bin.
Know whit? .. Ay, these directions wir spot on!
Beowulf
This stories wrote in Inglis
It's ae the aulder type
Youse wullny unnerstaun it
An hink it's haverin tripe
But in here ther be monsters
Ana dragon pops up tae
Thers drink an gold an wondrous hings
Tae fight fur oan the day
Well young Beowulf gubs the beasties
En goes hame tae see his friends
But en a dragon bites him
That's wher his story ends
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CH-_GwoO4xI
Summer Cold
Ah dragged masel fae oot ma bed
The lights ur oan but the batteries dead
The day ah'm feelin knacked an auld
Luiks like ah've caught a summer cald
Ah'm snifflin oor ma cup ae tea
Ah've done the dishes an they've done me
So ah huv a cough an en a splutter
But nae wurds ae comfort dis onywan utter
See ah might huv jist contracted a bout ae Man Flu but this pales in comparison when yer informed thit they huv a dose ae the Hay Fever..Ay!
Rawlplugs
Thers rawlplugs in ma toolbox
Thers rawlplugs in the shed
Thers rawlplugs in the kitchen drawer
Ther even unnerneath ma bed
Thers broon wans an thers blue wans
Thers rid wans ther annaw
But hink ther is wan rawlplug
Thit fits the wee holes in the wa' ?
Ah dinnae want tae talk aboot rawlplugs, why ur aw the wee wans ay gone?
Ah wull jist make some wee widden dooks mehinks, ye cin ram yer rawlplugs!
Washin
Ah see lenticular clouds up in the sky
Ther the UFO wans tae you or I
So ah did the washin an luiked again
Bugger Cumulonimbus! They mean rain
At least it isnae blowin a hoolie
Still ah'll hing ma washin oan the pulley
The big black clouds cuid ay pass by
But it's better tae git yer washin dry
No hink?
Ah shuid huv furseen this cause Mrs Auld who lives wey her sister Mrs Veryauld's cat disnae huv a washin oot an she's a renowned werrer mystic!
Kettles
Ah huv this leaky kettle
It leaked an en went bang
Ah thought it blew the element
But know whit? Ah wis wrang
So ah chainged the fuse an dried it
An a pit it oan again
It biled up the watter
En exploded! Whit a pain
Ah huv anorrer kettle
An it dis fur a turn
But it hauds mair feckin watter
Thin a big five gallon urn
It's like a kettle graveyerd in this hoose, ah'll git roon tae fixin thaim wan day, jist no theday, the suns oot..Heeeucht!
The Summer Sunshines Ends
Ah took the lead
The dug took his ball
We went up the hill
But ther wis a squall
So we turnt aroon
Tae head back hame
Too late compadre
This is pishin rain
Wher did that come fae?
Noo ah git tae dae somehin thit ah've no hud tae dae attaw this month..Dry Mr The Dug
Whers yer towels Mr TD?
Tea
Ah turnt oan dot scot masty
But hud nohin much tae say
This didnae really metter
Cause it's stuck oan yesterday
So ah jist pit oan the kettle
Fur a nice wee cuppa tea
Tea brings big smiles ae happiness
Tae thaim the dug an me
Mrs The Cat disnae like tea but the dug is partial tae a wee slurp ae cauld brew noo an again.
It's joy aw roon en, an the cat is tellin us thit they huv jist hud a shite in the litter tray.
Guid Mornin
Curry
Ah made a feck off curry
En a pit the lot away
Cause super spicy curries
Taste much better the next day
Ma plans wirnae ony different
Wey this curry we wid huv rice
But when a deeked in aw the cupboards
Ah fun oot thers nae rice in the hise
Ah wisnae plannin oan gaun doon the shoaps the day but Madras curry an big Penne pasta isnae quite the same.
Ah wonner if the store wull huv rice cause thers nae rice in the the cupboards fur a reason.
Ay, the reason bein thit thev nae rice doon the store!
Fresh Air
Furst ah check the AI headlines
Huv some tea en dauner oot
It's better tae git some fresh air
Thin sit in here an toot
The sky luiks gey dark an rainsome
Ah better pit oan a coat
Hing is, it's no jist clammy
It's really feckin hoat
Right,wher excitin ur ye gaun theday.
Up the parks?..Well Mr The Dug likes tae go up ther..Better mind yer midgie net!
Whit aboot the shoaps en? They mibbes huv somehin ye want theday..Ah doubt that!
Ah know..Dark creepy cellar here ah come, ah cuid open the door!
Dirty Dishes
Ah wake up in the mornin
Fur tae huv a cuppa tea
An thers a pile ae dirty dishes
Waitin in the sink fur me
So a wash up aw these dishes
En a make a pot ae soup
But the hing wey dirty dishes
Is ther a never endin loop
Ah hate washin dishes, the only hing a hate mair thin washin dishes is washin pots.
Ye end up wey dishpan hauns man!
Ah dinnae know if this condition is fatal, but it cuid end up pretty feckin serious fur the next erse thit draps a pile ae dishes in the sink.
Saturday
Ah took the glesses aff ma face
An washed thaim in the sink
Ah pit thaim oan an turnt aroon
En hit the door an awfy dink
See readin glesses ur fur readin
Ther no fur constant wer
It's jist a weel thit in ma drawer
Ah huv anorrer per
Ah blame architects masel, they tend tae situate doors in some really hazardous locations, like exits an entrances tae rooms fur instance, these ur the very places yer gaunny stoat intae the hings.
A stiff letter tae RIBA is called fur here, no hink?
Mair Shitehawks
The summer brings the shitehawks
They like tae squawk aw day
But noo the days ur longer
The jist squawk aw night long tae
It's guid tae hear thaim screechin
At three o'clock at night
Ah'd like tae grab the basarts
An stuff ther beaks wey ther ain shite
Wher dae they aw come fae, an when dae they actually sleep?
Wir resident shitehawks dinnae make aw that racket.
Even yer inebriated chanters thit pour oot the boozers of an evenin eventually gie up an go tae ther beds, know whit ah mean?
Padlock
Ah wis yasin ma auld gairden shears
En somebody came in
But wher wid ah huv pit thaim doon
Cause they urny in the bin
Ah hud a wee quick shifty
En a tipped the bucket oot
Thiv defo no bin flung in ther
Cause the bags aw leaves an root
Ah wull jist stoap whit ah'm daein
An dauner ootside tae the hut
In ther cuid be anorrer per
Feck sake, the hut is shut!
Whae buys a padlock wey wan key?
An wher is this singular key?.. Wher else but in a place so safe thit even they dinnae know it's location!
El Scorchio
Ah opened up ma trooser drawer
An grabbed a per aw creased
They wir really nice an comfy
An fully lined wey fleece
Ah know wir summers oor here
Ur no exactly warm
But these fully fleece lined trackies
Wir designed fur winter storms
So as ah'm sippin oan ma tea
Ah hud a passin thought
Git anorrer per ae troosers san
These wans ur jist too hot
Well we huv + 16 degrees C theday which is no exactly Nanook ae the North werrer.
Ma big question is: How did these git tae the tap ae ma drawer?
Even Mair July Seagulls
It's luikin ominous oot ther this mornin cause thers Noah..
Thers no ah cloud in the sky!
But ther is thaim:
Whit breaks the mornins silence
Is the sound ae shitehawks gaun sper
Ther crappin aw aboot the toon
While fleein through the air
Ah wonner whit hus pissed thaim aff
It must be somehin bad indeed
But en again it's mibbes naws
Cause ther aff ther squawkin heids
Ther is nae fishin boats in
Thers nae fires up the wids
Thers only the odd tourist
Oot campin wey ther kids
Ah suppose that wid be enough tae set the feckers aff.
Wait tae the festy sterts ya noisy basarts, en ye'll huv somehin tae squawk aboot
Sleep
Ah fell asleep at hauf past five
An woke up at hauf past four
That wis indeed a long wee doze
Ah wonner if ah snore
See long grey days an long grey nights
Luik very much the same
Ma Circadian's must huv gone tae feck
An buggered up ma brain
Ah'm pittin oan the kettle noo
Quite early in the day
This voice is askin whits gaun oan
Ah'm makin tea, ah say
Meow..Guid mornin Mrs The Cat
Bark..Guid mornin Mr The Dug
Will Youfuckinshutup says the Higher Authority.
That wull be the hale hoose up en!
Saturday Night During The Glasgow Fair
The sky wis dark an overcast
Sounds echoed aw aroon
An ther wis tunes an merriment
Comin fae away doon in the toon
The chanters ae an evenin
Went oan tae two o'clock
An efter they aw went tae bed
Oot came the bold shitehawk
Ah thought this din unusual
En ah opened the blind
Aw the windaes wir wide open
Shuttin these, ah didnae mind
So if ye want some quiet
When you lay doon tae sleep
Jist mind an shut yer windaes
En you'll no hear a peep
Spiders
Ah walked intae a spiders web
The silk goat in ma eye
It made me luik jist if ah wis
Really gaun tae cry
So a grabbed a brush an swept it
As it dangled fae oan high
Ther wis nae spiders in ther
So nane ae thaim wir gaunny die
Jingszo! Ther is anorrer wan
Ah must git rid ae thaim
The weans ur comin oor soon
An they've nae spiders back at hame
Wher aw these spiders come fae
Ah huv really nae idea
But tae ma grown up Grandweans
Ther the cause ae mortal fear
They wu'llny go tae sleep at night
Ur lie doon oan a bed
Incase a tiny spider
Dreeps doon upon ther head
Ah wid need tae phone the Doctor
Tae come oot tae the hoose
Fur a spider induced heart attack
Jings,they huv'ny seen the moose
Ther ye go , ma diary ae utter drivel thit sometimes rhymes, but as ah said, this disnae metter cause ye cin sing it annaw, aw ye huv tae dae is fun the right tune! Heeeeeeucht!
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